The Journey Continues ...

treats and indulgences

2009-10-13T00:56:00.000-07:00

>spraying sung, linda's fragrance, on the pillow
>at costco, buying a new camera and then eating an entire chocolate dipped toasted almond covered ice cream bar all by myself (the traditional meal was two hotdogs and sodas, followed by the ice cream, but i skipped the hotdog as i was going out to dinner.

not sure if it the humidity or the barometric pressure, but the cat is definitely affected by something. the forecast is for big storms tomorrow. amazing. last night he was doing crazy circles on the bed. on tonight's walk he saw something and got fluffy tailed. i picked him up and he bit me. out comes the antibiotic ointment and then i can pack it. his claws need clipping. i guess that's tomorrow.

the auxiliary suitcase of things to be donated in africa weighs only 38 pounds. lots of space for more. not sure if i'll reach weight or volume limitation first. bunches of shoes, sox, underwear, pillowcases and more. i think there are paper goods coming too cuz i have room.

and yet....
there is still much to do.
fortunately the cat has settle down so maybe i will get some sleep.
according to blogger's faithful counter, this is post #299. wow. time flies.

when is lavender a neutral color?

2009-10-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

well, if it's in my wardrobe, i guess. just ask my sister.

the biggest news is that my father, well, elinor's father, also, died peacefully on Tuesday night, October 6, 2009. while it was not totally unexpected, and he had been failing rather dramatically of late, the finality of it all is a tad overwhelming. this makes 4 in a row since march 2007 when my mother died.

it was pretty interesting how he choreographed it, in a sense. he told the cleaning lady that he had a dream in which my mother appeared and told him it was time. he got to see daniel and elinor and tom last weekend. he saw his doctor, his yoga teacher. and he waited until elinor and i got down to LA. (but only about 3 hours). amazing story.

the funeral was friday, 10/9 at noon. here is the obituary from the LA Times:

Jack Levine

Born in Lithuania, son of Freda and Rabbi Lipman Levine, he was raised in Brownsville, Brooklyn.
A long-time Santa Monica resident, Jack died peacefully at home. Jack and Ann came to California in the '40s where he first worked as a longshoreman. A graduate of UCLA law school and labor lawyer, he represented many unions and was the attorney for the committee that worked to save the Watts Towers in the '60s.
Jack loved classical music, especially symphonies and string quartets, and had a great appreciation for art. He will be remembered for his strong sense of ethics and social justice, and great kindness.
Predeceased by his wife, Ann, survived by daughters Deborah and Elinor, and grandsons Jeremy and Daniel. Services will be held at Hillside Memorial Park, 6001 W. Centinela, on Friday, October 9 at noon.
A celebration of Jack's life will be held at a later date.

or with the photo here:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/latimes/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=134140408

we are all doing pretty well ok. i came home to sj in time for simchat torah service and a lot of hugs. this morning's service was pretty amazing also. there is a yizkor (memorial) service as part of this week's shabbat morning service and it was so quiet when the words of the mourner's kaddish were recited. everyone there was thinking of particular individuals and could hardly get the words out.

then replaced the car battery (original equipment) which had drained as i had the cell phone in to charge while i was on a long distance call. ah well. i was close to the mechanics and it was really easy.

ah yes. so what's that about the neutral color?
elinor's flight was sooner than mine and she had not a lot of time at home to pack so she called requesting that i bring sox, thin ones. i grabbed several pairs. two of which were kind of lavender ... elinor is like linda in that there are palettes, grey, brown, black, blue. fortunately there was a pair of blue sox that went with the shirt, inside the black shoes of mine that elinor was able to wear. so yeah, lavender can be neutral, in my closet.

probably only need to do one load of laundry. took the packing list in. clothing is almost done. easy squeezy. so far. leaving on wednesday. that's the plan.

Yom Kippur is past, gardening, packing and more...

2009-10-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

facebook takes a lot of time. i am neglecting the blog. apologies to the loyal readers out there, esp. those not on facebook.

yom kippur went well. lots of good reviews of the entire series. glad that part is over. for this year. there was a sense of calm that was so nice, thanks to the interim exec director. team effort, and all.

i'm working with the therapist who was the facilitator for the monday night partner loss grief support group. she calls it transition coaching. working to figure out where i am and where i want to go. not a lot of dwelling on the past. it seems to be going well. i really like her a lot.

today was very accomplishful, which is an indication of how well things are going. up early, bkfst with the boys, drive daniel to airport for his visit to santa monica. at home i cleaned out the car, took it for a vacuum and wash in the open bays of self-service, stopping at the farmers market on the way for a last foray into summer stone fruit (white nectarines, plums) for the next 10 days before i leave for africa. yes africa. there are people who do not know this. now you do. questions invited. kenya, 2 wks, with walking buddy who is africa specialist (this is her 23rd trip). great clip on 60 minutes tonite on the wildebeest migration. getting me ready.

started packing (actually putting stuff in suitcase, may have to adjust up one size) from the stuff i had set aside after washing laundry from israel trip. also taking some clothing to leave in africa. underwear. pants from thrift stores for me that don't fit. and leave the suitcase there.

then i went outside to check on the cat and my neighbors were out working in the front, replacing some plants by the sidewalk. i took this opportunity to work with company to deadhead the agapanthus (last year for this boring job) and take out a dead bush at the corner of the lot.

i really felt like i had earned my dinner, and also the shower that will be later.

reconnecting with linda's friend from law school, who has as her FB profile photo a picture with linda. very sweet. thank you. it is really lovely.

ketzl is playing with a piece of carrot stem on the kitchen floor. it is pretty funny. and probably better than plastic coffee stirrers, which he tends to chew on and most likely ingest. :( i need to remember this.

wicked was great

2009-09-29T00:59:00.000-07:00

of COURSE it was.
with Patty Duke playing Miss Morrible. she was fantastic too.
understudy for Elphaba was terrific. it is a great show. costumes, music, story. linda was a huge fan of Stephen Schwartz. it was so much fun to share it with Audrey. and then a lovely dinner with Fran at her house on the way home. perfect timing. then back to the house to pick up Aud's bags and then to the airport. she had the trifecta returning home: no a/c in the building, no hot water, and a rodent of some kind in her apartment. yikes.

and Cheech and Chong were seriously on my flight home from LA. one of the gate agents took a photo with them but otherwise pretty unassuming. they did not sit together. Cheech was in the row ahead of me on the aisle.

i now let people bring down my suitcase from the overhead bin. always.

woo hoo, 4 of 4 over and it wasn't too hot!

2009-09-29T00:50:00.000-07:00

things went very well. smoothly. calm. etc. wonderful.

on my way home from break-the-fast, with a torah in the back of my car, i drove on capitol expwy and was reminded of an early conversation with Linda. she had taken her car to the dealership and i was to come pick her up. she didn't have the exact address so i said, how will i know where you are? and she looked out the window and said, "it's the one with the big american flag." the joke here is that EVERY dealership on capital expwy has a huge american flag. what was then Bob Lewis hyundai took good care of her car. and we had some nice meals at a handmade noodle shop nearby, including mango chicken i recall.

adam broke his fast with wonton soup, spareribs and general tsao's chicken with brocolli. yum. a meal linda would have enjoyed.

so the high holy days are almost behind us. rabbi points out that there are still sukkot and simchat torah to come. but the large piece, involving LOTS of bodies, is pretty much over except for the debriefing. phew.

now can i start getting excited about going to Africa? not quite sure yet, tho i have begun setting aside things to pack. which is good.

ketzl is such a good fellow. he is up by my side instead of the usual toward the bottom of the bed. just licked my hand around the corner of the computer. silly guy. there are asparagus on his breakfast menu.

on the schedule in the time before i go: mammogram and bone density test. i am taking care of myself.

high holidays and hosting Audrey

2009-09-23T00:09:00.000-07:00

yes it has been another long gap. no quite so long. no other writing yet. busy. someone tonight said i had the busiest social schedule of anyone he knows. really?

so we are now 2 of 4. rosh hashanah was last week. yom kippur coming up on sunday night. things are smoothly moving along. it's all good.

balancing activities, different people, well most of the usual suspects. and of course the food. it revolves around foodings. after services, before services. (not during) so far: sonoma chicken coop, outback, aqui, and the two major dinners, tonight at merit vegetarian and sunday at mandarin gourmet. plus movies: julie and julia (excellent) and the informant! (fun, fluffy, nice cameos with the smothers brothers; matt damon in an ill=fitting toupee, etc.). and manicures. some of this was done as seeking air conditioning even tho it didn't get nearly as hot as it was supposed to, which was great and totally fine by me.

but tomorrow: matinee of WICKED. great tickets purchased today. grateful to my work for allowing me to take an extra half day off in this slightly crazed time. i am really excited!

a vacation stuck in amongst the busy time.
not quite doing all the official work that is supposed to be accomplished in this 10 day period. but making progress. that's important.

from a slide show someone sent recently where there were some nice quotes (i should go back and check for accuracy, but the gist is here):
try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
each morning figure out what your purpose is for that day.
iife is too short to waste energy hating someone.
life isn't fair but it is good.
ok here's the link to the full set
http://www.lshs64.com/enjoytheride.html

having to get up early in the morning
this is all i have brains for tonight.

how do i pick up after so long a break?

2009-09-13T22:30:00.001-07:00

someone noticed and commented offline that there have not been any updates for a while now. i also saw someone else who expressed concern about how difficult it is to decide what to include after such a hiatus. while the break was nice, i realize that i really need to be doing more writing ... whether here or in a handwritten journal or in another electronic format.

part of the reason for not posting is the approach of the high holy days and the return of the rabbi from sabbatical. things have been "crazy-busy" at work. it will all come together and we will be fine, but there are another 5 days to go. yoiks.

so what's been going on, besides the work?

it is related to the coming time of introspection. i'm trying to do it pretty rigorously this year. more than ever before. it is supposed to be a time of examining oneself, one's actions over the past year. making serious plans to change and do things differently in the coming year. to return to the proper path. there's lots about forgiveness. between rosh hashanah and yom kippur, we are supposed to go to each person we think we have harmed in some way, consciously or unconsciously, with our words or actions, by acts of commission or omission... so i'll be in touch with a lot of people in the next 10 days.

we are all works in progress. and there is the possibility for change and redemption. cf the life of Senator Edward Kennedy. but one needs to be actively aware of the need to make adjustments when things are not working. there was a nice study session with a couple of interesting checklists to work on as we approach the coming "days of awe." today was kever avot, visiting our ancestors, a small service at the cemetery, starting in the chapel and then moving down to Home of Peace, owned by Temple Emanu-El and a clear piece of Jewish land. i have lots of friends who are there, along with the founders of the synagogue. it is always comforting to me to be there, walking around, cleaning up a bit, finding people i was looking for, and others i didn't know i would find. i said hello for people who might not have been able to come visit today. it feels important to do this annually, at least at kever avot.

i have started seeing privately the facilitator of the monday night group. she bills herself as a transition coach, with a limited time frame (interrupted by the holidays and the trip to africa 2nd half of october, but it felt more important to start sooner than waiting until november).

my sister-in-law arrives on wednesday evening for a week. that will be fun, to have someone here. i enjoy my time here and am not uncomfortable being alone in the house, but it is quiet and i will welcome the company.

my wonderful cat let me clip most of his front claws today. good kitty.

so not sure if this qualifies as a good catch-up. the best i can do at the moment.

baseball update -- go Giants

2009-08-25T22:42:00.000-07:00

so yes there was polenta at siena
then last night 18 of us gathered at SJ Municipal Stadium to watch (mostly) the giants defeat Visalia Rawhide. the giants are way out in front. dinners were yummy, i brought unsalted peanuts that got demolished nicely. highlight of the evening (besides the cake i brought from the ballpark, required) was when four of us competed in the "musical chairs" event down on the field. rochelle was the winner!! it was a great evening. good choice to buy the cake. they have a big knife. but no candles. i had matches. we improvised (last year was the french fry menorah) with one toothpick in paper wrapper. worked pretty well. that was the only really difficult part, singing happy birthday to linda. but we did it. new faces. mostly old faces. good to be together.

today was cpr training at the office. first time for me. ok now. not sure i want ever to use it.

i'm tired. need to shower before getting into clean sheets. it was good being home this weekend. but then i won't be here this weekend. it's a pretty amazing cycle. if i'm here, then i won't be next weekend. very simple. santa monica is still beautiful but the visits are getting a tad more difficult for both me and elinor.

Ted Kennedy has died. what a loss. a true liberal champion.

290 posts, but who's counting?

2009-08-20T22:49:00.000-07:00

well, blogger is. counting.

so monday is the 3rd annual Linda B. Klein Birthday Baseball Bash. I've decided to order a cake. the garlic fries were less than satisfactory last year. some of the regulars won't be with us physically. we may need to resort to cell phones for connection. it will have some new elements in the group as well as the same old reliable faces. weekday night is not so great.

tomorrow night i'm going out to dinner to a place that Linda and I used to frequent. that will be nice. hoping for polenta. yum. or mushroom soup. double yum. not wanting to be alone on Linda's actual birthday, i solicited a dinner invitation, and it worked. woo hoo.

had a long phone conversation this morning with a very old friend (well he is older than i am) whose wife is now pretty actively dying after being sick for more than 10 years. it was an interesting and pretty far-reaching conversation.

i am looking forward to a lot of things, and that feels good:
dinner tomorrow; writing in silence workshop saturday; dinner in bkly sunday; monday baseball game ... keeping busy.

on the to-do list beside the regular maintenance things: find a drumming class; do more writing; maybe find a tai chi class (or xi gong as some call it). a personal recommendations would be nice. i think i need to put those out there more and see if anyone has had good experiences.

smoothly. i like when things go mostly smoothly.
there is an unruffledness that feels good even as the panic begins to rise briefly. elements of the high holy days are coming together nicely and that is excellent.

garbage is more than taking the barrels out of the garage. cleaning the litter box is on the agenda tonight as well. there are critters back in the garage and overhead. not good. not liking that part. maybe i'll find someone to do a variety of small tasks around here: new shower head, critter traps (and retrieval?), deadheading the agapanthus in front. a list. no time.

fresh tofu is so delicious. maybe that's the after garbage snack tonight!

i am getting way behind here

2009-08-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

so the home weekend was very productive. i miss that already. i need more.

so this weekend was another short visit to santa monica. things are declining a lot lately, which is difficult. both physically and mentally, my father is getting weaker. we are so fortunate to have the caregivers we do. they are so sweet and gentle with him.

saturday before i flew down was my first ever visit to Filoli Gardens in Woodside, with our tour guide being an old (literally) friend who has been a docent there for more than 20 years. he is 5 days younger than my father. that is sometimes difficult because he has all his marbles, charles does. the comparison is tough.

talking last night with someone about last year's high holy days and then this year's coming up and i realized (well i knew already) that it starts in less than a month. o dear o dear o dear. panic may set in now in full bloom.

last night on the walk with ketzl after i got home from the airport, the lawn sprinklers were on next door. ketzl alternately batted at and tried to drink from them. it was pretty hysterical.

this coming saturday, i'm taking a post-grief writing workshop with the woman who was the facilitator for the partner loss support group. that should be very interesting. i need to get back to writing.

and tomorrow is a significant date: it was my parents' wedding anniversary, from 1940. wow. and it is the day that Linda arrived in California for her first visit, ten years ago: August 18, 1999. also wow.

more on the blog

2009-08-07T21:58:00.000-07:00

so there was a reminder in LBK821's yahoo inbox that may have been prompted by Aud's poking around. but i think i also successfully downloaded the entire blog in compressed form. that's the hope. i know Aud got it also. nice to know. i spent about an hour cleaning out some irrelevant stuff in the inbox. i need to figure out a way to get linda's calendar reminders to come to me. not sure that will be possible but i've missed a LOT of birthdays in july. for those of you i missed, i do apologize.

so this is my first weekend home in 5 weeks. amazing. so much needs to be done. it will be nice to have concentrated chunks of time. laundry, vacuuming, letting ketzl in and out at will and other mundanities. he will like that a lot. laid in some nice foodstuffs from trader joes. ketzl likes honeydew melon as well as cantaloupe. woo hoo.

linda's blog

2009-08-07T06:51:00.000-07:00

thx to my sister for alerting me to the fact that yahoo360 where linda's blog was hosted is no longer functioning. but thanks to Jeff for pulling all the data off beforehand. i have until aug 19 to move it myself to a different location. i'll see if i can make that work.

how powerful is the sense of smell...

2009-08-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

tonight as i was driving home, i was struck by the sweet smell of kettle corn. there is a man who lives a block away with a kettle in his garage. i think he sells it at farmers markets and similar places. the smell is so distinctive. and it makes me miss Linda a lot. she was the queen of kettle corn (well, the queen of f**king everything, according to the magnet on the fridge, and now according to the mug which was brought to me from england!) but definitely the master of regular popcorn and more recently kettle corn. i would be completely unable to stop eating it. a bag or a bowl would simply sit there in my lap, and my right hand would move, reflexively, back and forth, from bowl to mouth, until it was all gone. many times Linda would make a batch on the stove (after she got used to the differences with an electric burner) and we would contentedly munch the slightly salty, slightly sweet kernels. yum.

tonight on NPR there was a Radio Lab broadcast on choice. and a small snippet with Malcolm Gladwell on his new book "The Outliers," people who are successful. the show on choice was very interesting. i learned that the part of the brain which registers warmth (temperature) is right next to the part which registers trust. this goes back to our infancies, where we need to trust that which keeps us warm, as in survival. psychologists have done studies where someone who holds a warm cup of coffee is more likely to have a positive view of a photograph or description of someone, than a person who holds (even momentarily) a cup of iced coffee. another snippet was about choice: if we have to describe why we chose something, it affects the choice process itself (we choose differently and possibly less sophisticated) than if we can make the choice without explanation. very interesting stuff. researchers ask intriguing questions.

this weekend will be my first at "home" in 5 weeks. wow. that in itself is remarkable. hopefully i will have something to show for that. i have goals.

time flying by revisited

2009-08-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

wow. another week flew. lots going on. at work we are getting ready for things that i will not mention lest i get terrified.

nice meal at Xanh in Mt. View: mostly vietnamese, excellent modern presentations (ahi tartare over dry ice, very steamy). yum. got recommendations from the waiter for the next two meals.

back in santa monica. right now there is someone blaring from a car stereo i think. wonder how long it will take before someone calls the cops. i know it is partly how sound moves up to the 5th floor, but it is LOUD. perhaps it is from the building lower down? i can't tell. but it is loud.

so in the last two weeks i have given away 3 business cards on airplanes. let's look at the similarities of the recipients. on the return flight from Israel to NY, there were two ultra-orthodox young women, returning from their first trip to Israel. they live in Brooklyn, and now, having graduated from high school, they will begin teaching. one loves chemistry and math. they wear long sleeves, high necks. they have no internet access, and they are OK with it. some of the students in their school come from less observant homes and they see how much yucky stuff is "out there." i gave them my card and said i would reply if they wrote to me. they were perfectly fine chatting with me, obviously not observant, wearing pants, short sleeves, etc. they were very nice. next: on the flight down to LA there was a group of muslim women who have been at stanford and now coming to play in SoCalif. some of them are younger and not wearing headscarves. they were bouncing to music on an ipod. but the woman i sit next to is a bit older. she wears a head scarf. she lives in riyadh, saudi arabia. she also does not have internet access, no email. she teaches 7-12 year olds. she has 2 sisters and one brother. and lots of nieces and nephews, but she is not married. women do not vote. she is ok with that for now. hopefully one day it will change, she says. i gave her my card as well. so at the poles, ultra=orthodox jews from brooklyn and a muslim from saudia arabia now have cards from a reform synagogue in california. the experience made me feel bold. whatever happens.

things are slowing down here. and i leave early tomorrow (late morning instead of evening) to return to the sj giants jewish heritage evening. keep your fingers crossed cuz it is going to be madness. hopefully we will all survive and live to tell the story, and i'll blog about it later.

time flying by....

2009-07-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

so i'm mostly back. the week went quickly, almost a day off again. lots of changes in the office, which seem to be going smoothly, thank goodness.

and now i'm back in santa monica, where the morning started out with the continuous grey, no line between ocean and sky, and the waves are really huge and crashing. there is a surfing contest in huntington beach and the waves are ten feet. wow. not like the mediterranean, that's for sure.

random noticings: on the freeway on friday i saw a bright blue tesla car. wow. on the taxi ride from the airport, i saw a bright sign "open 24 hours" except there was a fence at the street, so not open at all. the nectarines from the tree in the front look blotchy again this year, but when peeled taste really yummy. i'm still pretty darn tired and should probably go to sleep now so i can get up early and go to the ocean. as always, it's important to remember the blessings in my life.

very briefly...

2009-07-21T07:24:00.000-07:00

for some unknown reason, i was unable to access the blog while on the trip in Israel. maybe because all the computers i know there speak only in hebrew to blogger? who knows.

anyway, i am physically back though confused as to why i was often one day off on my calculations (not always in the same direction). i thought i was getting back on tuesday, but it was monday (well it started very early) and i made it after the usual drama of short delay in take-off, long wait for bags which needed to be retrieved and gone through customs, released to the airline so they could transfer, airtrain to the other terminal, back through security again, and home. phew.

ketzl is happy to see me, i think, tho a bit frisky this morning. maybe i should take him for a walk. not sure if anyone did while i was gone. i also need to clip his claws.

short version of the trip:
the first two weeks were organized tour with rabbi and his family, a total of 19. good size group. excellent tour guide and driver. the last 5 days were with family and friends, and happily included one more dunk in the mediterranean, making nice bookends from the first day in tel aviv when we arrived. lots of pictures, lots of stories. we did some of the same things as daniel and i had done 12 years ago like Tel Dan and rafting on the Jordan River. visited Tel Aviv, Haifa, Caesarea, kibbutzim up north near the Lebanon and Syrian borders, Jerusalem and the obligatory trips to Masada, the Dead Sea and Ein Gedi spring. pretty busy scheduling but time for meals on our own which we often did in groups, and shopping. there was a running joke that i was trying to rescue the economy of israel single-handedly. well, i did my best, and the proof was that i needed to purchase a new 28" suitcase (at ACE hardware of all places) to bring it all home.

so i'm home, welcoming emails and phone calls for anyone who wants more detail.
it will take a while for me to be really back.

counting down...one more work day...

2009-06-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

and it's still really too hot inside. fans working hard, windows open appropriately (remember i trained with the Queen of Airflow).

things are pretty much packed except for toiletries in the suitcsse. carryon is mostly ready. i'm a bit daunted by the 'one last day' thing that is tomorrow. paperwork in order. cell phone won't be happening ... but i will have some access to email. i have two small books in which to write. a list of things to bring home. i have batteries for the camera all charged up. i need to find the small soft case with a drawstring that holds the camera and stuff. plus the battery charger and adapter plug. and phone cord because i will take it as backup camera and alarm. is that silly?

and then there was the special request from Elyse...kraft macaroni and cheese. not annie's shells with white cheddar. the regular stuff. the cheesiest. perhaps we chalk it up to pregnancy cravings but she says it's just the normal one for her. so there are 5 boxes packed now. happy to help.

house/cat-sitter came by tonite to check on things. things are ok. key still works. it's all good. except for the one last day at work thing. things will be fine, i know. important to get accustomed to me not there, i think. in some ways it's good to be part of the woodwork, and in others a bit of a burden. balance. balance is good.

how am i progressing in this second year? well, i think. ready to start thinking about (is that oblique enough?) maybe looking for someone to be with. it is lonely being alone. i don't mind being alone, just not all the time. by nature i am a very social being (a social butterfly, even). and not having someone to share day to day as well as special times is not my preference...at least not in the long run. i still feel very supported by all my friends "out there" but it is not the same, y'all know that.

well, ketzl has been most patient but i think he's ready for a walk. he must have slept all day because the cantaloupe was not finished when i got home. it was 83 degrees inside when i got home. not an acceptable indoor temperature. but i'm working on fixing that with airflow (see above).

busy week means no blogging

2009-06-20T22:38:00.000-07:00

it is really hitting me that (as of today) i have 7 work days before i leave for israel. that means a lot of head down/hunkering to get stuff done. at work and at home. progress is being made. also working on the physical body (chiropractor and acupuncture) to deal with some misalignments etc. more next week. in the meantime, ice and ibuprofen.

back in santa monica where things are ok. tomorrow is father's day. how lovely that i get to spend it here.

the group that planned the dedication of the mikvah (ritual bath) at the JCC in Los Gatos had a dinner to celebrate and debrief. it was lovely. this week dinner plans include jeremy and daniel on thursday (working around jeremy's soccer commitments). last night was the hysterical show of silicon valley gay men's chorus and kinsey sicks, "america's favorite dragapella beautyshop quartet," of which there is nothing like it/them. ever. fortunately the people i had brought with me did not feel i had oversold KS. omg. wonderful, as always. and we were in the second row, on the right. www.kinseysicks.com or www.svgmc.org if you are interested in more. it was wonderful to see jeff and razmik. we have been out of touch of late and there is too much drama to relate. everyone is ok now, mostly.

hopefully, my 2nd cousin is coming over tomorrow morning with her two adorable girls. even a brief visit will be nice. then maybe the deli for lunch. that seems to be one place where we can reliably go. then perhaps to the co-op health food store where i can get stuff to take with (they have the new blueberry blast luna bar, and hopefully some tofu jerky and energy nuggets).

in the second year now
i have still not gone back to as much jewelry as i used to wear... taking it all off for the mikvah was interesting. i've found some nice new rings (different colors, nice stones) which i have started wearing. it is a much more conscious thing now.

our fearless leader from the monday night group reminded me of her bus analogy. i've related this before but i think it bears re-telling. people we lose who are dear to us are passengers on our bus. at first, soon after the death, they sit beside us. we are aware of their presence at all times. but later, they move around. sometimes in front, across the aisle, or maybe a few rows back. sometimes we see them, other times they are out of sight. but they never get off our bus. they are always there. so maybe it just takes tuning in to find out where they are located at any given point in time.

tuesday is a bocce ball celebration of the one year anniversary of the death of the husband of someone from group. we will be there to support CC, of course accompanied by food, along with bocce. i'm looking forward to it.

the apricot tree is in full harvest mode. i brought maybe 4 pounds down with me, along with the 4 boxes of Aussie bites which apparently are not available at Costco down here. i'm doing my best to keep people happy.

a productive day...

2009-06-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

started out with the SJ Pride Parade... a much much smaller and less significant event than the northern cousin in SF. ah well. we had fun. only took about a half hour (after the walking actually started...). got a cup of coffee while waiting for it to start. on the way back to my car, i found a 10" tall gauze butterfly ornament that someone had lost. i need to figure out a way to attach it somehow inside the car. Linda stopped by to say hello.

i shopped a bit at the japantown farmers market on the way home and got more white nectarines, PLUMS, berries...oh YUM.

then, with a nice stretch of time at home (woo hoo!) i made significant dents in a variety of piles. more sorting, lots of stuff for the giveaway stack (which involved trying some things on first).

the major accomplishments (tissue alert)
a good start on Linda's side of the double sink in the master bathroom.
some things made me laugh as i tossed them: a can of mousse from Marc's (Linda's favorite discount store in Akron, so it was at least 10 years old), marked 3 for $1. ok. some lotions smelled a little off, and i have plenty of others. what do i do with the two lighters that have fluid but no longer work because the mechanism is broken? also what do i do with the bottles of oil in the kitchen that are past their prime ... i'm opting for just tossing the whole bottles in the trash rather than clogging up the sink with old oil. some things just can't re recycled as much as i'd like to.

in the bedroom was able to move the pillows that were on the side table. i remember clearly getting them at Bed Bath & Beyond when her level of discomfort rose and we were trying to fix that. they had been sitting there since a year ago April. also on that table was the water filter and tubing that had been connected to the oxygen concentrator. that was difficult. not tossed. not quite yet.

in the closet i found 3 generations of camp laundry bags, including (get this) a striped one that my mother (of blessed memory) had made, marked "Debbie Levine." wow. that's a keeper too.

in one of the laundry baskets i found Linda's traveling shorts... a pair of lightweight light blue denim...the ones she wore on that amazing 3 day trip from Ohio to California in May 2000. they had since been trimmed to remove some of the more unraveled edges. also a keeper. that was difficult too.

i think this was one of the longest concentrated periods of time i have spent at home in AGES. between going to los angeles and so many activities here when i am in town, i'm always on the run. it was nice for the time to be so productive.

much is yet to be done.
planning to go up to San Francisco for the parade on June 28. we'll see if that works out. depends on how comfortable i am with trip preparations.

a few more items i left out earlier

2009-06-13T22:47:00.000-07:00

so today at the puny pride festival, i did purchase a narrow rainbow cling stripe for the inside of the back window of my car. i'd been looking for a cling rainbow star of david but couldn't find any online. the last time i had one was about 9+ years ago, right around the time when Linda moved in. daniel was still riding in my car and it was offensive to him and he removed it. ah well. times have changed since then. and now i have a rainbow there. i also got the Human Rights Commission yellow equal sign on the navy blue square bumpersticker. i think it is important to have these in view. i remember when i was first coming out how reassuring i found it to see these small tokens of commonality on someone's car. "you are not alone" they said to me. "i'm like you" they indicated. so it's the least i can do, for anyone out there who is looking at my car.

got a nice phone call from elly. she found online the blessing for affixing a mezzuzah and they put up the one i sent them. a lovely metal woven one, an oxidized copper blue=green color. i am honored to have been able to help create a part of their jewish home. hannah and elisheva. a lovely couple.

i'm a little out of order, reading "The Stuff of Thought" by Steven Pinker. it is actually the 3rd in his series on language. very well written. dense and yet playful. been through a discussion on verbs. now onto nouns. language is very important. our use of words was one of the things that brought me and linda together 10 years ago.

it's been quite a week...

2009-06-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

running, dashing, darting, fixing, calling, typing, buying, meeting. and so on.

first of all facebook is a real timesuck. anyone who is on already knows that. so i sometimes forget that some are not connected in that way and i need to create more reflective pieces here on the blog.

today was Pride Shabbat at Temple Emanu-El. things went well. not as large a turnout as i had hoped but that's the way it goes. it's a busy weekend, lots of graduations, etc. lunch after was fun, then i went down to Discovery Meadow (i think that's what it's called) for the Family Festival. they charge admission tomorrow and i don't need to hear the louder music than today. in comparison to SF or Santa Cruz (never been but assume it's good), Boston, Long Beach...ANYWHERE... San Jose is really puny. the jewish contingent will be in the parade tomorrow. the parade is about half an hour. not sure if it is because we are so close to SF and so much more energy goes there... oh well.

what that will do, however, is make it possible for me to return home and continue the work around the house... laundry, floors, etc. i've begun packing for the israel trip, july 1-20. even have my plane ticket. woo hoo. because next weekend, after seeing the silicon valley gay men's chorus perform on friday night with Kinsey Sicks (they do rate first letter capitals!) i head down to santa monica again.

i hope the alignment in my spine is holding. i have an appt with julie the most amazing chiropractor on tuesday. i've had some tingling in the arm. not sure if that is a good thing or not. her suggestion: no heavy lifting, pushing, etc. til she can see what is going on. already most likely one couple is pulling out of the trip because we think he had a disc rupture. ow. major ow with lots of colorful words spraying out.

there is so much to do, here at home and at work, in the next two weeks. it will get done, somehow.

ahah almost forgot. last night i saw Tim Lincecum (also rates capital letters) win his 2nd no-hitter. thanks, Linda F. for inviting me. Lincecum is amazing to watch. only 23. and his hit played a crucial role in the 3-run giant 5th inning. very fast game. he threw only 110 pitches. amazing. lots of fun. except getting lost in hunters point on the way home was less than exciting. i promise never to do that again. i did make it home safely. that's what's important.

there is a new fence in the backyard. almost completely done. ketzl has had a great time climbing the old wood stacked on the driveway. he is part mountain goat, i think. tonight there is a cat outside in the back. ketzl is racing around to different windows trying to see who it is. and it's almost apricot season. i had 3 as appetizers before heading out to pho. yum. yum.

so tomorrow is another early morning. i hope i can avoid the 1 AM bedtimes which have been the norm this week, for some unknown reason. it doesn't really matter whether or not i set the alarm. ketzl wakes me up by 6:30 at the latest. tho of course he usually chooses as the day he will sleep in the one day when i have to be up early. murphy's law holds.

i had no idea it was going to be so difficult this afternoon

2009-06-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

having read aloud my words for the mikvah dedication, with no real trouble, it was surprising to me that it was a tissue moment, all three times when i spoke them for the assembled groups. fortunately i had tissues, enough to share with a few weepy people in each group. (anyone who has not yet seen the poems i wrote, or if anyone would want to see roughly the "speech" send an email, please.) overall the event was very successful and i'm sorry i don't have the email list of the committee, so it will have to wait for tomorrow to write to them all, congratulating us on a wonderful afternoon program. almost in every room, i sort of stunned people into silence. the other presenters were about using mikvah for monthly purity (which some people think of as "the" reason), for leadership, recovery from illness, a milestone birthday, and conversion. there were not really a lot of questions, but there was some discussion in each group. and then everyone took the small ribbons i had cut into 18" lengths, and in each room tied them together and then when we got downstairs, the sections were connected until all of our individual pieces were part of a whole that represented all of our personal experiences into the larger whole. it was lovely. and then we heard the blessing for affixing a mezzuzah, heard the shofar and did a mini-tour of the facility. it was wonderful. and then i went to greek dinner with steve and lois. including chocolate lava cake (the special) for dessert.

so it's full of surprises.

and now the Tony Awards.

the view from the apartment in santa monica etc.

2009-06-06T19:18:00.000-07:00

is always wonderful. the waves are really rolling in. the wind is blowing more now. the beach is almost cleared at 7:00 pm. dinner is almost ready. we went to the movies "The Brothers Bloom" which had some great moments and a few wonderful lines. ("i think what you have is constipation of the soul.") Adrien Brody is wonderful as is Rachel Weisz.

tomorrow i return to SJ early to be part of the dedication of the community mikvah. that will be a lot of fun (i hope). i will be one of the presenters, on using the mikvah to mark the end of a year of mourning.

moving right along is next week's Pride Shabbat (10 AM Saturday the 13th at Temple Emanu-El), followed by the Pride Parade on Sunday, for which i seem to be the organizer of the jewish contingent because no one else was doing it and we need to be there.

and airplane ticket for israel. yes urgently. cat/house-sitter arranged for most of the trip which is wonderful.

and to use one of my father's phrases, "and so it goes."

so it's june now

2009-06-02T08:38:00.000-07:00

and all of the May stuff is behind me, behind us.
now that i have formally committed to going to Israel on the synagogue trip in July, i am starting to really panic about how much i need to get done before then. couple that with the changes in the office and we are a bit freaked. so i am taking good care of myself including chiropractor, acupuncture and chinese herbs, massage and all kinds of good stuff like that.

jeremy is in good spirits, starting his first internship at google in about two weeks. daunted by the size of the task but he has this great small smile that lets me know he is really excited and holding it in. i saw him last night on my way home from group...first time in a month since he had been gone to NCarolina for 3 weeks. daniel will head east in July when school is done.

pieces coming together.
moving on.

this weekend is the opening celebration of the mikvah (community ritual bath) at the JCC. i will be speaking on using the mikvah to mark the end of a period of mourning. it will be good to share.

the mantra is: wait til june ...

2009-05-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

it's still busy at home and at work. being away 3 wkends in a row was important but a tad brutal. it will be nice to be home all the way through next week. things are shaking out a bit at work: rabbi goes on sabbatical; we enter the last few days of the holiday of Shavuot (bring on the blintzes, 8 AM on Friday morning). an all night (well 10 pm - 1 am) study session at Congregation Sinai tomorrow. gotta go to that. i miss text study and intellectual engagement a lot. there is rarely time.

the fence is starting to be rebuilt. need to leave a note for the across the fence neighbors because it will require getting on to their property and i promised i would do the advance work. i can drop it off on the walk tomorrow morning. and i have a salad garden: 4 kinds of tomatoes, red peppers and japanese cucumbers. 70 days from now call to see if things are being harvested. apricots are nuts again this year but the designer confirmed: no peaches or nectarines at all in the back. hmmmmmm.

well plenty late. tomorrow is another busy day and then there are the blintzes on friday.

catch the sliver of the moon. it is really lovely.
i'm a bit concerned about the nighttime walks, having read in the paper about two attacks at the major intersection near here. and then i heard helicopters last night. better to be cautious.

my father's library contains such a wide range of books...

2009-05-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

i can always pick one up and find something very interesting. lately i've been bringing home one book each trip. today i picked up "Full Catasrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. The first page I opened was 161:

"Wholeness and connectedness are what are most fundamental in our nature as living beings. No matter how many scars we carry about from what we have gone through and suffered in the past, our intrinsic wholenss is still here: what else contains the scars? None of us has to be a helpless victim of what was done to us or what was not done for us in the past, nor do we have to be helpless in the face of what we may be suffering now. We are also what was present before the scarring, our original wholeness, what was born whole. And we can reconnect up with our intrinsic wholeness at any time because its very nature is that it is always present. So when we make contact with the domain of being in the meditation practice, we are already beyond the scarring, beyond the isolation and fragmentation and suffering we may be experiencing. This means it will always be possible to trascend fragmentation, fear, vulnerability and insecurity, even despair, if you come to see differently, to see with eyes of wholeness. ...

Feeling whole, even for brief moments (as in meditation) nourishes us on a deep level. It is a source of healing and wisdom when faced with stress and pain. ... You probably won't be too surprised to learn that the very word "health" itself means whole. Whole implies integration, an interconnectedness of all parts of a system or organism, a completeness. The nature of wholeness is that it is always present."

So I thought I would share that excerpt.
Have not yet been to the ocean. Need to leave in 90 minutes to take Daniel back to the airport (he is down for the day). The beach is pretty full (it is Memorial Day weekend, after all, even if it is not really toasty and warm). People are at the water, but not a lot in the water. The sailboats are having a wonderful time in the wind, tho.

back home...it's quiet outside at 12:15 AM

2009-05-21T00:29:00.000-07:00

yeah, walking the cat. he was anxious to go out. ate some grass. smelled some bushes. same old, same old, but he doesn't get tired of it.

uneventful flight home. sat next to a young indian couple who had gotten married in california in september but went to her parents home in upstate new york for the formal family weekend of parties and celebration. almost 300 people. wow. just like in the bollywood movies. her hands were still painted with henna.

back to the ny experience:
monday was the day to romp in manhattan. we drove into the city in adam's truck and stopped at aud's apartment. he parked the car and we took cabs up to jean georges. omg omg omg. the best deal in manhattan. $25 prix fixe lunch. two items plus dessert. i had cod (with spinach and something else) and tenderloin (with potatoes and something else). plus the chocolate/ginger ice cream with a small dollop of lychee frozen yogurt. other fabulous items at the table: snapper cooked with small sprigs of lavender. tuna tartare with shaved radishes and sesame soy ginger vinaigrette. shrimp salad with avocado, tomato, greens, truffle oil. omg omg omg. and as we were leaving, Gordon Ramsey, of "hell's kitchen" walked out of the other dining room, not 15 feet away from us.

after lunch we wandered to the Time Warner Center, browsed around. the museum of art and design bookstore. several watch stores. ending up back at aud's. the boys went down to the village, we rested. aud and i met my cousin nancy and her husband stan for dinner at the Centro Cafe in grand central station, which was good because we needed to take the train back up to white plains because the kids were staying in the city. more food. i had cold pea soup and bastilla (moroccan chicken in phyllo pastry, with raisins and cinnamon. yum. and a chocolate lava cake for the table for dessert. yum. it is all about the food (and the shoes).

strange day at work started with my keyboard not working on the computer. it went ok but there is so much to do.

greetings from white plains, ny

2009-05-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

it's been a busy week, getting ready to fly here on Thursday night (with 45 min delay etc). but i arrived chez Audrey in time on Friday morning, and we went for breakfast and purchased 2 dzn assorted bagels for the weekend. yum. we took a cab to grand central station, bought a sourcream and apple pie and took the train up here. we had several shopping stops like costco to lay in other provisions. food is important.

today was the unveiling of Linda's headstone. Audrey had a wonderful job done. it reads Linda Terry Blauner Klein
aug 21, 1984 - apr 13, 2008
beloved mom
sister, daughter
granddaughter, partner

the order is just right.
we had a minyan (10 people) including Rabbi Gordon Tucker, from the conservative synagogue a half block away from the house. linda's cousin Ellen was there, and also uncle Murray and his wife, along with audrey, elinor, david and julia, adam and me. it was only half an hour. rabbi read from psalms, sang "el malei rachamim," a few people spoke, and then kaddish. it was not easy. but now it too is passed.

i wrote a haiku this morning:

the first year has passed.
you bring us all together.
we are family.

it is wonderful being around the brothers klein. they are in good form.

after the ceremony we ate way too much yummy food, came back to the house, went for a long walk in the amazing neighborhood and are now kinda hanging out. it is drizzly and grey, contrast to Friday when it was sunny and close to 70 degrees, i think.

that's about it for now.
with appreciation to those of you who were able to write letting me know you were thinking of us. :-) lots of love all around.

happy mothers day etc.

2009-05-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

from santa monica where it was another grey day. no clear line between the ocean and the sky. a few sailboats out. lots of people in the water, though.

today was "take care of deborah day," which included yoga, a massage, a swim in the pool and a bit of hot tub. not too bad. kinda made up for not getting to the ocean, which i think i must do in the morning which means setting the alarm. there is nothing quite like being right there, seeing, smelling, tasting and hearing the ocean.

happy mothers day, to everyone who is a mother or has a mother.

stuff and things

2009-05-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

ketzl is such a boy. he likes taking a pish out of doors. we walked tonight and it had gotten cooler.

i'm laffing at the people here who think what we experienced today was humidity. well, it is more than we are used to here, but seriously, folks. try wisconsin in july. or ohio or new york. lots of places have real humidity. and the bugs that go with it.

starting to think about the logistics of flying three weekends in a row. it is beginning to get to me, of course with the emotional overlay of seeing Linda's family and going to the graveside for the unveiling of her headstone. yet another concrete evidence that she has been gone a year. thunk.

and there is so much to do in the way of packing and organizing and getting ready, 3 times. ok. off to start for this weekend. and set up laundry. another never-ending cycle.

measuring progress

2009-05-05T23:53:00.000-07:00

i'm not there yet, but things are changing.
i'm not reading the obituary pages any more. well i did a few days ago, and found that the ex-husband of a high school classmate had died. but for a while there i was reading them almost every day, looking for others who died from pancreatic cancer. being frustrated when sometimes it would say simply "cancer" and not specify. i certainly don't check the grief/mourning sections of bookstores any more, and i'm ready to part with a number of books that i've collected over the past year. i thought when i first got them that i would keep them forever. there are 3 or 4 that i will keep but the rest i'm happy to pass along to the group or the library at Hospice of the Valley.

so sometimes the progress is measurable, and sometimes not.
at least there is a clear direction.

2009-05-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

4/30/09

the turning of the page
...
the month really doesn't exist yet until the calendar page has turned.
the new days early on startle us as things which were "coming up"
are now fully upon us.
surprise, they say.
we are not the future; we are the now.
and the suddenness of the approach knocks us off balance.
plans made eons ago suddenly require implementation.
things which were future are now on today's to do list.
what was "not quite here yet" is now today's details.
the onslaught of time
starts with the turn of the calendar page.

post from April 26, santa monica

2009-05-04T21:22:00.000-07:00

things have been wacka wacka at work. not even time to post this from the previous weekend. nor to write anything new. starting to breathe now, but 3 weekends of travel approach. so here's what i wrote on the 26th of april.

another weekend in santa monica.
things are slowing down. there is a lot of sleeping going on. but we did do two walks today. yesterday was really incredibly windy and when we returned from the farmers market (yum yum) we just stayed in. actually watched some basketball and a fabulous baseball game between the Red Sox and Yankees. 16-12 was, i believe, the final score, in favor of the Sox, which was good cuz they were at home. home runs, going through the full line-up between the 7th and 8th innings. more than 4 hours of baseball, and by the looks of the stands, very few people left.

tonight i had my first mongolian taxi driver. perhaps the first mongolian i had ever met. his first name Dash (well there is another syllable) is actually tibetan, he said, because his family and many mongolians became buddhists and incorporated a lot of tibetan words and names. he has two cousins here, but his mother and brothers are still in mongolia. he would like to be able to return home. we talked a bit about the change in political/economic situations after the fall of communism. problem was, there was no infrastructure. he was a mining engineer i think. that is one of the few areas where things could develop. we talked about the difference in weather. he compared mongolia to the colorado rockies, for a more familiar reference. i think i'd like to go to mongolia one day. on the list of places left to visit.

the shampoo i used today is 9 years old. i know the hotel where we got it. outside the cleveland airport, i think, on one of my 6 trips to ohio during 1999-2000. one of the earlier ones. i think when we stayed in Cleveland for a night too. maybe to see the bob fosse play in a fabulous old theatre. not sure of the specifics. i suppose i could look it up somehow. but it is not important. but i know where the shampoo came from. origins are somehow important.

more beach rocks, this time separated out in a small plastic bag outside any backpack, still caught the eye of the screener, who called his superior, who came over and held up the bag of rocks. and pronounced them to be okay. better than last time when they were inside the suitcase, causing them to take them out and re-screen everything, making me incredibly late for the plane. so this is better, except that the plane is delayed at least an hour tonight. the guy at the podium announced that the plane had not actually left san jose to come here. so it's a good thing i'm not picking daniel up. thank you jeremy.

tim is doing much much better as his nose and throat are healing and general strength is improving. moved friday to a rehab facility (actually the 7th floor of the Duke Univ Hospital) where he should be for the next 2-3 weeks, doing 6 hrs of OT/PT daily. that's a pretty brutal schedule but it will be worth it.
{update from North Carolina: jeremy is there now, making a move to a larger 1st floor apartment. tim is doing very well in rehab, working hard. should be back to the new apartment end of the week.}

more later.

81 degrees is never an appropriate indoor temperature

2009-04-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

ok so this day will be filed among those with too much excitement.

starting with the 2nd day in a row of the 8 allowable days when we who do not have air conditioning deeply wish we did. and the temp in the house was 80 degrees when i got home but it was 84 degrees outside. it is cooler now. and the fan is on, drawing the hot air up to the attic, and cool air from the outside through the house. i trained with the Queen of Airflow. and "they" promise that things are going to cool off by 15 degrees in the next day or two, and even possibly rain. wow. exciting times in California. but in Moscow there was snow on sunday. woo hoo.

then on the walk, i (and ketzl) saw what at first i thought was a cat on the curb across the street. but then it moved and dropped into a sewer drain. that's not cat behavior. needless to say, we went home, even with the critter out of sight.

home. set up laundry. washed sheets and towels. transferred the load to the dryer. reached over to push the "sensor dry" button and OMG ... 5 inches away from my hand was a dead rat.

ok that's enough excitement for the day. done. no more. please. thank you.

the phone deed is done at long last

2009-04-18T18:59:00.000-07:00

this afternoon on the way home i stopped in the t-mobile store and ported my old cell phone number to the g-phone. i'm giving up the entire att account which means that linda's cell number is history. it is what it is. now i am a family member on jeremy's account and am actually using the full variety of features, well maybe not full but more than before. now to set up my voicemail etc. so if you don't have the 425 number, email me offline and i'll send it to you.

maybe i needed to be in the 2nd year. which is where i am now. very big sigh.
put on earrings for the first time today to attend a wonderful b'not mitzvah (two sisters, not twins). other than that i'm still jewelry-free. interesting.

jeremy is on his way back home from 2nd 5-day trip to North Carolina. tim transferred out of ICU last night after 2+ weeks. jeremy is very happy to have been there for this milestone. things are looking MUCH better.

ok ketzl wants to go for his afternoon walk. time to boogie!

i'm really much closer and maybe almost there...

2009-04-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

so for months i've wrestled with the issue of the cell phones. since jeremy gave me the android (google phone, for which thank you so much; i'm not scared of it anymore ...) i have been unwilling to port my "old" phone number over because we could not retrieve linda's voice from the ATT airwaves. we've tried. various people have gotten the two phones to turn on; i got my contacts off one SIM card. but there will be a finality hopefully tomorrow or this weekend when i go back to my old 425 number. maybe i've been obsessing just a bit (moi?) about this. rochelle has a tape recording of linda giving her brisket recipe. now that's going to be a keeper.

so passover is over. jews are eating pizza and pasta and bagels once again. i may still make eggs and matzo because i love it so. i did not attempt the matzo meal pancakes that were Linda's trademark, with cottage cheese, cinnamon/sugar, fresh blueberries, bananas and strawberries on top. there's still time. i have the matzo meal ready.

wow it is mikvah season. two dear friends in Florida, one a classmate of Linda's from white plains high school, are preparing for the mikvah on Sunday, as part of their becoming jews on May 1. this is very exciting. Hannah and Elisheva are the Hebrew names they have chosen. i am so excited, and sorry i cannot be with them as they take this wonderfully important step together. that's even more wonderful!

so since last saturday, when i prepared here at home for my immersion, i have not worn any jewelry. none. not even one small piece. it is interesting. i'm kinda liking it. plain. not fancy. elemental. personal. bare bones, kinda. my sister commented that with my hair longer now, my new skinnier self and no jewelry and smiling, she recognized a Deborah from years ago. that felt really nice.

and to top it off, my reserve pair of orange keen clogs arrived today. happy feet!

i am open to the world in a way i have not experienced before. not sure how it relates to the mikvah and no jewelry, if at all. i'm really ready to go back, but this is not the time yet.

i've been thinking also about the screen names on my AIM buddy list. so the ones who are online are in black, with their relevant available or away messages, sometimes a comment on the music they are listening to...they are present in real time. those who are not signed on are in grey. not quite there, but lurking. with the possibility of being there. there are a lot of names on that list that probably should be pruned but i'm not ready to do that. perhaps they are screen names that people have changed or just don't use any more. there are several who are no longer living, in different categories. i think it goes back to vickie's description of people on our "bus," where you don't see them all the time, but they are there. and so i take comfort in the names in grey, even though they are not directly available to me at any given moment. but they are still there. my mother. Linda. someone in texas. my aunt in florida, a friend of jeremy's now in new jersey. several names that jeremy used to use. i'm not sure why it is comforting, but it is.

so getting closer to resolution on the phone issue. after a full year, it's time to stop paying for the extra line that i don't use. let go of trying to capture an outgoing message. it's ok. it will be ok. i will be ok. really. and i know that. really i do. with or without any messages.

it's been nice the last few days. i've seen two Hyundai Sonatas, similar to Linda's. one was the same dark green but wasn't the GLS V6. the other was black and was the V6, including the same nice tasteful rear spoiler that really improves the look, imho. and butterflies are around and a lot of hummingbirds.

and yes it is still weird. but the first year is over.

the immersion experience

2009-04-12T23:24:00.000-07:00

i've decided to wait for a bit to see how things feel in the next few days. at one level i don't feel any different. it was a step, another step on the journey. rabbi leslie alexander was my guide and she had a few readings from the large binder. there are three "dunks" after each is a different blessing. it was very comforting and i could feel some stress being lifted, but i want to hang out with the experience for just a bit.

today is David's birthday.
happy birthday, David in London.

post 262 a palindromic number

2009-04-12T22:35:00.000-07:00

this post will be in two parts.
first will be two pieces that i wrote last night in the quiet of the empty house. i had been thinking quite a bit about the kinds of things that i wanted to say, and one came out as an adaptation on the Shehechayanu, a blessing said at significant times. the other is a reflection on how my mikvah experience occurs during Passover. more later on the mikvah experience itself.

Sustaining Us

a blessing of thanks
to the unseen forces of the universe
which sustained me, maintained me
and enabled me to reach this very special moment of now.
(because now is really all we ever have).

i give thanks to the unseen forces of the universe
and also to the very real people in my life
who have sustained me over this incredible first year,
the year of firsts.

sustained is very much how i feel.
i made it through.
and i am feeling again,
which in itself is a blessing.

i am sustained by my connections
to people and to the universe.
the dark clouds have lifted.
i can see the light. i can feel the warmth.
and i know with certainty that i will continue
from this "now" to the next.

with gratitude.

Passover Mikvah

it is not lost on me
that my first immersion is during Pesach.
i know what has enslaved me during the past year.
i am ready to leave behind the endless grey of loneliness.
i am ready to exchange the tears of sadness for the cleansing waters of the mikvah.
i am ready to trade the stifling grip of grief for the warm embrace of my future.

i am ready to step into the waters
and into the next year of my life.

this year i was held in bondage by my grief.
next year, may i be truly free.

both written
april 11, 2009

one step at a time

2009-04-11T17:54:00.000-07:00

last night's service (and accompanists) was wonderful.
i truly have the most robust support network ever ever.
i was surrounded by friends old and new from so many areas of my life, ranging from almost 20 years ago to someone from the monday night group. we all stood up as Linda's name was read. wow. i wish i could have been up on the bimah (pulpit) to see it from rabbi's perspective. and then the food. omg. so yes i freaked out and then people baked and rabbi even made matzo bark for me!! woo hoo!! and his wife made mini choc chip macaroons, and then i had hired a caterer whose mother made macaroons that were huge and moist...we called them Big Macs! unbelievable. and his pastry chef made mini sponge cake balls, sliced in half with a dollop of whipped cream and a slice of strawberry. omg omg. unbelievably delicious. really really really wonderful. and i brought arnold palmer (half and half ice tea and lemonade, a linda favorite, and mango passion fruit drink. and cheese and nuts and veggies and and and. we ate. people took home small plates. it was all quite wonderful.

so that is done. and we all made it through in good form, i believe. thank you to everyone who was there, with me and for me, etc. i do so appreciate your presence.

one foot in front of the other. that's the journey.
so tomorrow is really the mikvah. i'm excited about that. only a bit nervous. rabbi leslie alexander is a dear friend as well as rabbi; she is the one that linda considered to be "her rabbi." so it will be all good. i need to think about writing something for the morning. something cusp-ish maybe. if it works, i'll post it here.

very big sigh. yup, that's how it goes. one foot in front of the other.

this is still "the week" and there's more...

2009-04-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

so first seder was last night. i was very happy that my minimalist charoset (apples, nuts and wine ONLY, no cinnamon, sugar, lemon juice, etc.) made an Israeli swoon, so much so that at the end, when of course we were all stuffed, she sat down with a bowl and a spoon and continued to eat. that is true devotion. i used my mother's stainless steel chopping blade. it is very comforting. i wish i had had just a bit more time so that the experience would have been not quite so rushed. but it all worked out. potlucks are wonderful because the food is soooooooo yummy.

so another in the year of firsts. i need to try my hand at what i think of as Linda's matzo meal pancakes, which she attributed to her grandmother, but Aud says no. matzo brei for breakfast (like eggs with matzo softened and crumbled in it. delish!)

i freaked out a bit at costco and trader joe's in getting ready for tomorrow's oneg after services. cheese, fruits, nuts, veggies, now drinks (organic arnold palmer, tea with lemonade, and mango-passionfruit drink. i will pick up a flat of strawberries in the morning from the seller on the corner near the house. i need to find out how to make a decent dip for veggies as the ones that come with the platter have (i think) corn syrup as a sweetener and that's not ok.

the wednesday morning service of blessings for the sun was fun. foiled a bit by the failure of someone from the location to unlock the gate but we managed nicely. i'm getting way better at getting up early. part of the liturgy included the mourner's kaddish, kinduva dry run for tomorrow night. note to self: bring tissues, to share.

my hiking poles came. komperdell from austria, courtesy of sierra trading post! this means i can contemplate going for a real hike on mission peak. hopefully next week on sunday.

this sunday is the mikvah. i'm getting pretty excited about that, except there is so much to get through beforehand (tonight's congregational second night seder, tomorrow night, for starters). and then there is the added distraction that my ex is improving but is in the ICU in north carolina. jeremy was there for 5 days and now his sister is there for not sure how long. scary stuff but seems like he is starting to pull through in better form. jeremy did amazing work in the "git 'er done" frame. lots of logistics and practical things. not surprised, but very happy at what he was able to do.

so, one foot in front of the other. decisions to be made. time to toss all my superbaggy pants because (a) they don't fit (b) that style is no longer in and it overwhelms me (c) i like the feel of snug jeans, etc. i don't think i'm done losing weight (do not recommend this weight-loss method, though) so i'm not investing too much in replacements (thrift stores are wonderful resources). i think i'm almost ready to tackle the bathroom counters and other areas where things are pretty much the same as they were a year go. i am still amazed at how amorphous and non-linear time is as a dimension. how this last year can have gone by both so quickly and so slowly.

time to snack before i head to the dinner. it will be a while before we actually eat. chag sameach. bring on the hillel sandwich! (matzo, charoset and horseradish...the BEST thing ever!)

how do you measure a year?

2009-04-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

from "Rent." also a song in the SVGMC show last night.

this is the last week. this is the last week i will be able to say "it's been almost a year since Linda died." and then the first year will be over. for the most part, i think i'm doing pretty much ok. busy at work (Passover etc.), lots of activities. not a lot of eating, which is good.

so how do you measure a year in my life, this past year?
in tissues? in pictures? in plays attended? in family phone calls? in emails? in blog posts? (259 i think this one is). in new shoes? in friday night services attended? in cards and letters? in cups of coffee?

it's been quite a year.

Pesach approaches...

2009-04-04T22:59:00.000-07:00

it's coming up this week. silly computer just bonked and i lost what i had typed. and i know i had saved it at least once. grrrrr. i'm in santa monica again this weekend. read some Passover stuff to my father, from a book that Linda had ordered and shipped here...one book for each major jewish holiday.

the traffic is abating now and i can hear the sound of the waves. but there is nothing like being right at the shore, seeing the spray after the curls roll down, hearing the crash, repetitive, relentless, rhythmic and soothing. i love the ocean.

i am looking forward to making the charoseth: chopping the apples and walnuts (i got more at the farmers market today) and adding just a bit of wine...my mother was pretty minimalist about these things. i will use her single steel curved chopping blade. it will be a pretty spiritual experience. rotating the wooden bowl 90 degrees. getting the texture right. unless one is chopping 20 pounds of apples, imho a food processor is never allowed.

i am still struck by all the confluence of things...passover celebrating liberation from egyptian slavery (in fact, Mitzrayim, the hebrew word for Egypt, means place of narrowness or constriction. kinda like a birth canal...as the people Israel left egypt for freedom in their own land.) i love matzo and charoseth. mmmmmmm. and horseradish. it's all yummy. and meaningful as i know what has been holding me in bondage this last year. and while i have learned a LOT and grown a LOT, i think i am ready for it to be over. things won't necessarily be different on the other side but it will be over. the missing still goes on. still very difficult to believe that it has been an entire year. or only a year. depending. it was the fastest and the slowest at the same time, and if anyone can explain that to me, i'd welcome the input.

quote from "the gift of grief: finidng peace, transformation and renewed life after great sorrow" by rabbi matthew gewirtz:
faith = belief + doubt + action
more from the book at a later time...

very big sigh...

2009-04-01T22:59:00.000-07:00

it's been quite a day or so. i lose track. yesterday we found out that Tim, father of Jeremy and Daniel, was in ICU in Durham NC. while the basic procedure went well, and the arteries are cleared, there are breathing issues which means a longer stay with the higher level of care. jeremy is heading back for the weekend, and probably Tim's brother will come in from ohio as well. that pretty much derailed me for the day, but it looks like things are doing better than can be expected. he winked in response to a question and squeezes hands and wiggles toes on request.

just heard on the news that one filipina may be deported because her immigration papers are not in order. after 23 year relationship with another woman, and 12 yr old twin boys. prop 8 sucks. if they had been a man and a woman, it would not have been an issue. the rights are not the same without the legal back-up.

this is my weekend to LA. and now i've added the may 16 trip to NY.

adam called this morning and we had a really wonderful brief chat. he is doing some kind of training yesterday and today, is having fun, doing well, etc etc. it will be good to see him and david and julia and audrey in 6 weeks.

woo hoo! they are appropriating Bernie Madoff's property. that is totally the least the feds can do. now the report is how credit cards are cancelling people's accounts and revoking any earned miles or reward points that have accumulated. so much for loyalty. after 23 years even. omg. this is ridiculous. but perhaps we have not seen the last of shenanigans.

i remembered to make photocopies of some pages from the prayerbook binder to take to group on monday. it is our last session before the 2 week break, conveniently located around passover and easter. i have volunteered to bring massive amounts of charoseth to the seder. i love pesach. and this year, more than any before, is steeped in such meaning and significance. i need to start getting out my books so i can do a modicum of preparation.

ok i can't take any more of the news. time for bed. tomorrow is another day.

it's monday already, again

2009-03-30T23:41:00.001-07:00

the crescent moon was very nice this evening when i took ketzl for his night-time walk. there is the soft fragrance in the air, perhaps some freesias that are blooming now. and yesterday, i saw some fritillary butterflies cavorting in the bushes when we walked in the afternoon sunlight. spring is here.

the re-do of the landscaping seems to be stalled. i wrote to the designer today to find out what is up. new trees is not what is up. looking forward to getting two new fruit trees this year ... plums!!

tonight was support group. one more before the two week break. one man is back after hernia surgery. he was surprised at the warm welcome. one other man, in addition to the death of his wife, has had 4 more deaths in the last 3 weeks, two family members, two close friends. that is an amazing hit. otherwise, we are fine and we laugh together most of the time.

the fog continues to lift, most days. sometimes, when i think i'm doing fine, then someone asks "how are you doing?" and that could easily set me off.

still preparing for april 10, when Linda's name will be read for the first time in the synagogue on the approximate anniversary of her death. it will not be easy but i keep hearing from people who will be there, and some of whom will be baking special Passover things for the Oneg Shabbat after services.

getting more organized about making plane reservations. got 3 more to LA and also great deal on jetblue to NY in May. now the planning can start in earnest.

not sure what i think about Obama's calling for the ouster of the General Motors CEO. but gee, it certainly is still wonderful to listen to a president who can speak in complete sentences, with conviction and understanding. and the silly republicans trying to paint Obama as some kind of socialist.

passover is coming. i've volunteered to bring the charoseth (mixture of nuts and apples); and i may branch out to an additional one with dried apricots...more middle eastern style than my traditional eastern european recipe which i learned from my mother. i am convinced that this can only be made by chopping by hand, and i use the old stainless steel chopping blade that i inherited from my mother, along with her recipe. there is something amazingly comforting about chopping walnuts in the wooden bowl, turning every few chops. sort of like kneading dough. (it's ok to use a food processor if you are doing 20 pounds of apples. then it's ok not to hand chop, imho.)

now Liz Smith is saying that Washington DC is the new Hollywood. well, ok.

i need to go change the load from the washer to the dryer. and then think about heading to bed. tomorrow is another busy day.

but wait, there's Facebook

2009-03-25T22:23:00.000-07:00

so i put a link to the blog on my facebook page
and got quick replies from two women i've known for more than 10 years.
so i'm making a connection between this older part of me, the part that is connected to Linda...and the new fb me, which is more contemporary (and still connected because it is still me but not a lot of discussion of Linda)... amazing this new world.

just when you think it can't get any more difficult...

2009-03-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

of course it does.

several days ago i went out and on the front porch was one of Linda's business cards from Silicon Valley Securities. i wondered what that was about. maybe she is just stopping by to say hi. saying she's still there. i guess it must have fallen out of a pocket or purse when i went for my keys. or something.

then today as i was turning the corner to take a bulk mailing to the post office, a business card (this one from the synagogue) flew out of the visor pocket and landed on the floor of the car. saying hi again. we used to take mailings together to the post office, even before Linda moved to California. i told earle, my favorite clerk, about her.

this last month is hitting me much harder than i thought it would. and continues to do so. i'm planning to host the social hour after services on april 10. where i will be surrounded by friends and family. many of my friends are my family. and i value them all. i am truly blessed.

before going out to take the cat for his walk (the ritual when i get home from work) i put on one of Linda's overshirts. of course it is way too large. but warm and comforting. i am feeling in need of that protection. i didn't realize that there are pockets down low on the side. omg i just reached in. this is the shirt Linda wore when we were in San Francisco with Aud, seeing an exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor on March 19, 2008. i have the other tickets in one of my coat pockets. i love finding things in pockets. that was the date when we went to the museum, then ate dinner at Ton Kiang and raced home to meet Angela, the hospice intake nurse. wow. that was a momentous day. Angela is fabulous. i remember the entire sequence so clearly. Angela saw how much discomfort Linda was experiencing and phoned in an order for pain meds before she finished the discussion, so that they could be delivered that night. wow. 3/19/2008.

i remember the year that we spent traveling back and forth (16 visits over 10 months) and linda would bring more clothes to leave here, hanging in the closet. when she was back in ohio, i would go into the closet to smell the shirts. smell is very evocative. at the time Linda wore YSL's champagne. delicious. powerful. later she changed to Sung by alfred sung. so i just got back from a trip to the closet. and i am inconsolable. after almost a year most everything has been washed...or has been so long away from any perfume or touch that there is no smell there. i think i really knew for a while that this was the case. but nothing quite like the stark reality staring me in the face or in the nose, as it were, to make it clear. first year. so many firsts. a variety of finalities that are not yet over. i have not yet finished the toothpaste with the roll-up clip. and speaking of passover, as i was, there is still a box of velveeta from last year, waiting to be spread on matzo.

it's gonna be a long couple of weeks.

Passover really is my favorite Jewish holiday

2009-03-24T06:56:00.000-07:00

and it's not just the food. it's the symbolism. how it celebrates release from bondage. and each year as Passover, we have an opportunity to examine our lives and find out what is keeping us in a place of constriction. in fact Mitzrayim, the Hebrew word for Egypt, means narrowness. so on this holiday (april 8-9 this year) i will acknowledge that this first year of mourning was my constriction. and i am almost ready to be liberated from this bondage. i will also mark this occasion with my first visit to the mikvah, the ritual bath that is used to mark special occasions. i'm doing some reading about the tradition and how i might personalize the experience. interestingly, i am on the committee for the mikvah at the JCC in Los Gatos, and we are planning a fun opening celebration in June.

monday night group continues to be good. just found out (via facebook of course) that one of the new members shares my birthday. that makes 4 of us in my group of 100* friends. amazing. Linda's yahrzeit will be read on friday april 10 which is Good Friday. a lot of the group and other friends are Catholic and so will be otherwise occupied. but they will be with us in spirit.

today i challenge myself to deal with my desk at work. maybe not completely but to make a serious difference. i need to get back to using the mug with the built-in To Do list. that really helped, silly as that might sound.

i think ketzl deserves a morning walk. don't you?

sunday ruminations

2009-03-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

the long four days are now over.
lots of activity, including a one=day flight to LA. not the preferred way, but it does work ok. it was a very productive one day including a trip to the best farmers market and then out after lunch to get pedicures for all of us, and i got a mini-manicure as well. lots of fun but a bit ticklish when they file the callouses on the heels.

dinner tonight at Merit Vegetarian, a wonderful place not too far from J&R's house in sunnyvale. they do "chicken" and "beef" from meat substitutes but it does not taste fake. the spicing is wonderful and they have vegan desserts. wow. we got one each cheesecake and mocha layer cake to share among five and it was fine. totally yummy.

my arm is healed and so i took a nice soak in the tub before dinner. that plus clean sheets. what a wonderful combination. now if the cat will only let me sleep in, it will be a complete deal.

so glad this weekend is over. onward and upward. a busy week ahead. and drawing closer to the one year anniversary. almost everyone i speak with has the same reaction: how can it be a year already? it feels at the same time both a much shorter time and a much longer. time is strange. that's all i can conclude. reminders about friday april 10 service at 7:30 PM, and dinner monday april 13 for thai. have to figure out how to do this thai food during passover. technically. i should not have rice. however, one of the key ingredients in sticky rice with mango is (duh) rice. on the "do not eat" list for most. ah well. some things transcend the normal religious rules. imho.

#250

2009-03-19T23:42:00.000-07:00

this is post #250. in not quite a year. that's pretty amazing all by itself.

tonight is the night that President Obama makes an appearance on Jay Leno. wow. what have we come to in this modern age. well, i guess if i can be on facebook and have a g-phone, anything is possible.

this is a ridiculously busy weekend. i hope i survive until Monday. friday is open house shabbat, always a challenge. down to LA for the day on Saturday. sunday is mitzvah day at the synagogue. just keep putting one foot in front of the other. and remember to breathe. good start.

i have put out the invitation to a host of folks to be with me on April 10 when Linda's name will be read for the first time. we'll see who shows up. and then food on monday the 13th. i know i won't be alone. these are not closed events. even if specific invites were not received, all are welcome.

i'm tired, as usual. at work we have started getting up from behind our desks and doing stretches, a few yoga postures. it is a lot of fun. but more fun is the electronic remote control whoopee cushion. that is really a bucket of laffs. it was really painful when the rabbi commandeered it for Purim. but we are back in business.

facebook continues to amaze me.

i guess i'm not quite there yet

2009-03-17T21:07:00.001-07:00

i guess i'm not quite there yet

i'm looking for the balance point
between remembering and letting go
between keeping the shared experiences, the stories, the life we shared
as a present part of my self
and being able to step into the future
as the new me.

i have been told
more than once
that i will know it when it happens
finding the balance point

when it feels too hard to go on alone
i'm not there yet
when i worry that i will forget
and i don't want to
i'm not there yet
sometimes when i look at photographs
or any of the multitude of things that still connect me to Linda
and feel her love wrapped around me so tenderly
then i don't want to move forward
for fear of losing it altogether

but at least i know that out there
in the future
there is a balance point

i guess i'm not quite there yet

but i will know.

musings on a cold walk with the cat

2009-03-17T20:33:00.000-07:00

so ketzl is deaf, and while i talk to him (fruitlessly) when we are at home (ok, we're going to get some asparagus for you now) when we walk, i tend to be completely silent. and let ketzl set the pace, and sniff and explore at his leisure. tonight when i got home, we set right out. i forgot that when the sun goes down and the wind comes up, that i should have grabbed a jacket to go over my light wool sweater. over a shirt with purple, black and GREEN stripes. so it was cold and even though ketzl found some things of interest that caught his attention, we were back home in 20 minutes.

i've been doing a fair amount of writing recently in a variety of places. poems. letters to Linda. other small pieces.

today i wrote to friends and family, inviting them to services at the synagogue for Linda's yahrzeit. and to thai food on April 13, the actual anniversary of her death.

it is all still quite strange. talking in past tenses. using the words "died," "death," "passing." and yet there are the joyful times, looking at picture albums of trips, remembering doing puzzles together, competing in Jotto, enjoying meals in favorite haunts. a lot of joy.

who am i now? i'm still very much The Deborah (as my children are wont to call me). and yet how changed i am, from before i knew Linda. from before she got sick. from while she was sick. from since she died. (there's that word again). all of these have the underlying sameness of me and yet in each "incarnation," there is such difference.

and i'm getting ready. watching as this last month draws to a close. living it as fully as i can, knowing that "now is all we ever really have." it makes each "now" all the more precious, doesn't it? i'm getting ready. ready to be able to say "YES!" and mean it. i'm not quite there yet, which is the subject of a poem i wrote that i will post here forthwith.

it's still difficult

2009-03-15T11:19:00.001-07:00

as i go to the thumbnail in the right column over there...
"I started this blog on April 21, 2008. On April 13th, my sweet Linda died after battling pancreatic cancer for 4 years. I had been composing her blog since October 2007 when we returned from England. It was time for that to end, and my new journey to begin."

as i enter the final month of this first year, this incredible year of firsts....i can feel so much welling up to the surface. most days i've been doing really "well," whatever that means. but as this anniversary approaches, i'm feeling pretty vulnerable. i will, as always, continue to rely on my friends for love and support. with much gratitude for all the blessings in my life, new and old.

despite dire predictions...

2009-03-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

there seem to be a LOT of apricots setting now. maybe half an inch long. clusters of them. apricots alternate heavy and lighter fruiting years. and 2007 was heavy, so given the best information, last year should have been light. it wasn't. so the prediction was in that this year would be light, and i was worried about the wind and the rain. but timing seems to have been ok. i know, i know, some of them may fall off before they mature. but as of this morning, i am cautiously optimistic.

today seems to be the day of Deborah doing transportation. i have a date with a key volunteer from the synagogue, who arranged tickets to see Carol Channing this afternoon. in the evening i will be taking another friend to a concert of lovely music by Symphony Silicon Valley with chorales (his wife is singing) and his new car is not quite ready yet. so i have a lot to get done before i take off. like folding towels. and cleaning the car.

i am pondering. i have written two poems recently. one is still a bit too new to post here but i'm thinking about it. part of the transition.

got a note yesterday from the grief group facilitator, who commented that she hadn't yet shared the bus analogy with us. we are on a bus. everyone dear to us is on the bus, including those who pre-decease us. but they stay on the bus. particularly with spouses, at first they sit next to us. later they might move to the row ahead. toward the back. across the aisle. but they never leave our bus. sometimes they come back to sit next to us. always there somewhere in the realm. that's a good way of looking at things. not in view but still there. close.

The LindAlphabet

2009-03-14T23:03:00.001-07:00

With thanks to everyone who contributed. Herewith an edited version of all the words.
If anyone has any questions about the references, feel free to inquire. Additional suggestions also welcome.

The LindAlphabet

A argyle, archivist, Akron, Audrey, Adam

B butterfly, brilliant, Bubbles, brisket, Badgers, Blauner, bargain hunter, banded collar shirts

C chocolate, completion, courage, computer, California, camping, camp (Owaissa), Chinese food (New York), carnivore

D dancer, (attention to) detail, driver, Deborah, David, Daniel, (the) Diner

E encyclopedic knowledge, eggs (scrambled well in butter), elegance,

F friends, fighter, foodie, fresh flowers, friend, Florida, fun, funny

G generous, guitar, grin

H historian, handkerchiefs, hats, Halloween costumes and candy, humor, hugs

I independence, Inga, inspirational, I-80

J jotto, Jewish, Julia, joy, Jeremy, jokes, John Sieberling, Juris Doctor

K Ketzl, Klein, kisses, knives

L Learned, lively, Linny-Pinny, laugh, lox, lawyer, love, leather

M motorcycle, meticulous, matzo meal pancakes, Mom, Mommy, masters degree in taxation, master futzer, Marc's, movies, music, musicals

N nectarine, New York, night owl

O Ohio, orange juice, organized, onion bagels

P photographer, passionate, planner, puzzles, piano

Q Queen of F*#@ing Everything, Q-tips

R roses, Rummikub, road trips

S smile, swimmer, self-taught, Scrabble, singing/singer, SoInKleined Enterprises

T tennis, Tamiami Trail, traveler, Tovah Leah

U uncompromising, University of Akron, University of Wisconsin

V vibrant, validating

W wonton soup, White Plains, wit, words, Wisconsin, warrior

X eXacting, xoxoxoxox

Y young at heart

Z zest for life, Zips (Univ of Akron mascot)

today i got a notice from the office

2009-03-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

well, the desk around the corner where the volunteer folds such things...
it was telling me that Linda's name will be read at services on Friday, April 10. Even though i know that today is 11 months, and next month will be a full year, seeing that in print is very difficult.

and yet the sun is shining. there will be great music for Rock Shabbat tonight. my pants fit better (or the bigger ones don't fit anymore). so things are looking up in many ways.

and yet ...
how incredible it is that almost a full year has gone by...months filled with individual counseling and now the grief support group. people in many areas of my life who have been so supportive, helpful, etc.

but so many things have not moved in that almost year. maybe it is time to think about spring cleaning with a vengeance, now that there is daylight later and it will continue to get better in that regard.

but it did hit me hard to see things in black and white. i'm not much of a black and white kinda person. but there is that letter. the name of your dear departed loved one will be read at services on Friday, April 10. services will be at 7:30 pm. there it is.

another first and a second

2009-03-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

this morning i changed the bulbs in the overhead light/fan combo in the bedroom. there are three things hanging from the screws which hold the glass shade in place: two lacquered ornaments...a bee (dvora) and a butterfly (linda), and the threecolor nylon windsock (i know it should be outside) that we got in big sur. so i removed each of them, took the shade off and washed it. replaced the bulbs. have to research to see if you can use CFL's with a dimmer switch. don't think so. but the dimmer works well in here. so then put everything back up. voila. done. not so hard. even i can reach from standing on the end of the bed. no biggie. another first.

seconds: today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of Ann Levine, my dear sweet mother. it's still pretty much a blur.

no walking this morning so i'll take advantage of the time to clean up the kitchen. not eating a lot keeps things pretty manageable.

i'm getting close to posting the LindAlphabet. it won't be the complete version with everyone's full lists...selected. this friday is eleven months. that is also pretty hard to comprehend.

silly cat. he got up on the top of the glass shelves in the bathroom, and then meowed to get down. hadn't been up there in ages. but he figured out how to do it by himself. i think i'll let him be outside for a while as i work in the kitchen.

things are progressing re gardens front and back. choosing new plum trees for the mini-orchard! plums!! and nice stuff for the area in front of the house now that the huge camellia is gone. deck is gone and the ground was rototilled with compost yesterday. keeping fingers crossed that cold and wind and rain do not deplete the apricot crop. weather is an iffy thing. looking forward to a new fence in the back, too. that will be a major improvement.

back from Santa Monica again

2009-03-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

a fairly successful visit, all in all.
yoga, out to lunch at Fromin's, a wonderful deli with corned beef on rye with cole slaw.
i don't remember my father ever eating french fries as i was growing up. (in fact there is a story that we went out to a diner once when my sister was about 6 or 7 years old, and the waitress asked if she wanted french fries and she asked, "what's french fries?" she literally had never had them...we didn't do fast food.) so i gather that he is making up for lost time. and yummy soup and a visit to the counter to pick up other stuff to take home, like rugelach and blintzes. and rye bread. yum.

the cat was not satisfied with the walk, which i did first thing. so he is outside on the tether while i type, unpack, do laundry and get ready for the week. i also remembered to reset all the clocks. i think i'm pretty quick at remembering how each one works. phew. one of the drawbacks to being away on the day/night that daylight savings time begins.

tomorrow is the adult purim evening. i need a costume. i'm drawing a blank. oh i just realized that it conflict with monday night group. so i'll split the difference. no costume then.

so i did make it down to the ocean. i promised adam that if i'm there for two days, i'll go to the shore. audrey suggested that i take down an old pair of sneakers to leave in the closet. great idea!! i'll do that in two weeks then. take the oldest.

things are just slowing down down there. it's hard in some ways. not so hard in others.

this friday is 11 months, for those of us who are counting. that would include me.

balancing act

2009-03-04T22:22:00.000-08:00

balance is not necessarily moderation. on the ride home tonight after a yummy birthday dinner with daniel (happy 23 tomorrow) i listed to Bart Erhman on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. very interesting. his path led from fundamentalist christian to agnostic. he has written a book on the inconsistencies within the New Testament, who wrote which gospels, etc. he realized at one point that he did not need belief in order to be a good person. that we are hard wired to treat others as we would wish to be treated. so once he accepted that he would not turn into a person without ethics or values, he changed his approach. teaches in the dept of religious studies (so these issues still matter to him) at UNC Chapel Hill. that's not an easy place necessarily to be an avowed agnostic.

i forget if i wrote here some of the slightly cute tidbits from Noah Ben Shea's PBS lecture. i flipped past him again tonight, and he was at the point of: don't let the past determine your future. we have only two arms. if we are holding tight onto the past, we can't embrace our future.

so that's the balance. finding out how to remember the past. honor the past. celebrate what was. without being stuck there. it must be doable. others before me have done it. doesn't only apply to spousal loss. relevant really to everyone. balance is also between work and home. i have to be careful not to seek too much refuge in the structure, people and activities of work. not to use it as an escape. but i realize that i need that connection. but it is something of which to be aware.

one other snippet that sticks:
the only mistake you can make is not learning from the last one. i'll have to keep that in mind when i make a mistake next.

trying to work out a date for the unveiling of Linda's headstone at Valhalla Cemetery just outside of White Plains NY. takes some negotiating. we'll get there.

so happy birthday, younger son. my gift to you, as promised, is not to call at 7:30 in the morning to sing happy birthday.

we walked between the raindrops this morning

2009-03-03T23:20:00.001-08:00

but tonite ketzl wasn't so lucky. but he really insisted on going out in the rain. return to the hair dryer, tuna and tomatoes.

tonight was a mikvah committee meeting. mikvah is the ritual bath that everyone can use (not limited to women) and there is one out at the JCC in los gatos. i'm on the committee planning the gala opening scheduled for june 7. fun times. great women. but it's another night out.

more rain and more rain. good for the water table and snow pack.
staff meeting in the morning. better get some sleep.

is it enough rain yet?

2009-03-03T06:29:00.000-08:00

i'm worried about the blossoms on the apricot tree. when i drove daniel home from the airport, there were trees there (not apricots) whose blossoms were all over the ground and the cars.

"I Am My Own Wife," playing at the San Jose Stage Company through Sunday, was wonderful. Very good to see it again, in a much more intimate setting (5 rows deep) than i had in San Francisco with Linda. the story of Charlotte von Mahlsdorf, who survived in Germany, collecting furniture, artifacts, an entire bar was in her basement, despite being born Lothar and living as a transvestite. a one man (one woman) show with the actor doing the voices of every character. amazing. powerful. everyone in San Jose who can, should go see it. good company at the leisurely early dinner that followed at Il Fornaio. polenta. beet and arugula salad. yum. i remember one high holy days, when the synagogue paid for staff to stay overnight at the hotel, Linda had food delivered waiting for me to get back from services. it included the beet salad. my favorite.

lots of laundry done over the weekend. not a lot else. sometimes it still feels like a fog.

we got two (possibly 3) new people in monday group. nice. they both lost their spouses much more recently but i don't think we scared them off. we are good people. they need us.

it was dark outside when i looked. i can't tell if it is raining. yesterday christine and i took advantage of a brief break in the drops to go walking. it always feels so good to be out there. we really have picked up the pace. we are both accustomed to walking with people whose legs are much longer than ours!

as we were preparing to walk yesterday, adam called from dc. he was walking to yoga and it was 22 degrees and snowing. so we in california should just be quiet with our weather mewling. doncha think?

i need to leave treats for the cat today. i have a night meeting starting at 7:30 pm and it's not worth it to come home to feed him so i'll be back closer to 9:30 pm. maybe i can sneak home during the day? or do i need to remember that he is "just a cat" even tho he is so much more, and if i leave food and water available, he will be fine til i get home. really.

yesterday morning ketzl woke me up when he brought a twist-tie on to the bed. that is one of his favorite toys. he drops it, catches it in his mouth. tosses it with a paw. leaps after it. drops it on the floor. retrieves it. brings it back up. quite a sight. i only wish it has been a bit later. last night he was out and got a bit rained on. so i brought him in, toweled him off and then used the hairdryer. it is a very old loud one, but he's deaf so he doesn't run from it like many cats do. for him, it's all about the warmth. good cat.

in addition to the lavender oil i'm using on the burn on my arm (which is almost healed a week later), now i'm using tea tree oil. with one dose (!) it cleared up a canker sore in my mouth, as promised. now i'm trying it on the itchy patches on the other arm. we'll see. the strength of homeopathy. i'm willing to see if it makes a difference.

if it is raining and we're not going to walk, i'm up early enough that i could actually vacuum this morning. that had been on the agenda for the weekend. it is still a struggle sometimes to get things completely done.

did you see the wonderful crescent moon and what i assume was venus?

2009-02-27T20:18:00.000-08:00

incredible night gazing tonight. clear skies.

so last time "it was a day."
so there have now been two more. incredibly busy and overscheduled, with meetings, a funeral, a reception, parking issues, room set-ups, getting the bulletin in the mail, last minute everythings, etc etc etc. amazing that i don't get headaches. it feels like i should have one but i don't. just tired. slightly stiff neck. maybe it's time to break out the lavender neckwarming pillow i got. lovely purple fleece cover. it will smell like the lavender oil i put on the burn on my arm which is healing nicely even tho it still looks a bit yucky.

things are coming nicely for the endowed scholarship in Linda's name at Univ of Akron Law School. there is a class reunion this year (class of 1989, 20 years ago they graduated) and hopefully there will be some interest on the part of her classmates. the monies from the fund will be given each year to a single parent. those were quite some years, if you ask adam and david.

lots to do this weekend. more laundry. floors. packing up boxes (many) for shipping. seeing "I Am My Own Wife" here in San Jose with a great group of people. papers, always dealing with papers. hopefully some sleep. also need to pack things for monday group as we reconvene with everyone, not just those of us who went out to dinners. i have some papers to share. and the gluestick and scissors to return. (side note: my first word was "scissors" ... don't ask me why, but it's a story my mother told.)

every day i see or touch or use something that was linda's. the ancestral Q-tip holder in the bathroom. a scarf. the bed heater! (aka heated mattress pad). not to mention the bed and other furniture. a pen. a mirror, a brush. toothpaste. razor. scissors. every plate and piece of silverware. many of the coffee/tea mugs. this morning i ate my oatmeal with the large spoon stamped U.S. that purportedly came from linda's father. a favorite for cereal and soup. flashlights. umbrella. it's all here.

i need also this weekend to make better friends with the g-phone. make a list. do things on the list. git 'er done.

really, sometimes it's nice not to empty pockets

2009-02-25T20:43:00.000-08:00

ok, so not the time recently when i left the watch in a pants pocket. i really thought that i was pretty good about checking. don't ever put a watch in a pants pocket, is the advice. ok. but i have been known to find a $20 bill in a coat pocket. and i know this means that it's a while between coat cleanings, (this has been mentioned before, i think) but still in my black coat are wonderful tickets: "Pippin" from March 2007 at Foothill College. Stephen Schwartz' first major show. wow. And "Jersey Boys" from December 27, 2006 when Linda got tickets for the whole family. so, it's nice to reach into a pocket and find these things. maybe after i get the coat cleaned, i will replace the tickets because it is comforting.

today was a major trip down memory lane. well, two trips.
i went to visit someone i worked with 30 years ago. someone who has never met my boys. she is a roman catholic nun. i got a bit lost wandering in the hills above los gatos looking for the facility where the older nuns live. but finally i found her, ate lunch (yummy tapioca pudding for dessert), visited in the library where she spends a day a week, driving down from san francisco, and looked at my pictures on the laptop. felt like we hadn't seen each other in a couple of years, but not 30. amazing.

after the meeting at the JCC i drove to Northwood School where both boys spent K-5 and the grade 2-3 teacher is retiring tomorrow (yeah, mid-year, has to do with fully vesting a year and benefits) and the kids were in her class in 1989-90 and 1994-95. she got to see pix from europe and J&D all grown up. i snagged a few of the old photo albums to share. a bunch of the old gang showed up today before i got there. that was nice.

taking advantage of nice weather, ketzl is outside in the front. i'm taking advantage to start doing the first of three loads of laundry. oh boy. the new jeans etc from the presidents day sale, some of which will need hemming. the pair from my sister (in exchange she got 3 pairs woo hoo). and i need dinner.

it's been a day.

so i guess i need to get something to eat.

it's all about the food

2009-02-24T21:50:00.000-08:00

well, if it's not about the shoes or the wool socks.
so the food at Seven is delicious. beet and butter lettuce salad. arnold palmer (half iced tea and pink lemonade); other person had a dry grey goose vodka martini. yum! used my g-phone to research the difference between scotch and bourbon (our host is from Kentucky, home of bourbon, but drinks scotch) entree was another appetizer: wild mushroom and goat cheese strudel. wow. and the finish: chocolate lava cake with small scoop of vanilla gelato. (they called it a chocolate souffle but oh well). omg. i'm so full still 2 hrs later. it was yummy. but the place was empty. the waitress said Tu.Wed.Th are pretty slow unless there is something happening at the HP Pavilion, like Sharks or a concert. maybe tonight because of obama's speech.

all the pieces are in now. i can mail a bunch of packages, probably on Thursday.

i'm really tired. for some reason i'm waking up in the middle of the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. so i'm going to try to get to bed a little earlier tonight. that's the plan. ketzl needs his front claws trimmed. hope i can make that happen soon.

long time, no blog

2009-02-23T23:11:00.000-08:00

typical weekend in santa monica. jeremy came down too and that was fun, the weekend before he started work (today) at google. we had a good time. one piece of excitement was a visit from someone from SPACES, interviewing Jack on his experience as part of the team that successfully rescued the Watts Towers. i then googled Watts Towers and found no mention of my father. poo. i suggested to the SPACES director that it could be updated. anyway, it was nice to see Jack so animated and remembering some of the details of that experience. Simon Rodia's Towers in Watts is a folk-art tribute to America, built over about 30 years in Los Angeles. i was there in 1959 when they did the load test, simulating a 100 MPH wind, that did not damage the towers. the i-beam that was exerting the pressure actually buckled. for those of you in southern california, i hope you've visited.

Trish is home. woo hoo. busy at work. trying to figure out how a bunch of us can go see "I Am My Own Wife," which Linda and I saw in SF several years ago. thanks, goldstar.

4 of us from the monday group had dinner together. one out sick, one home with sick dogs, one working in scruz. but as usual, those who came had a good time.

i reached in front of the electric tea kettle in santa monica and burned my arm. i had forgotten about it until after my shower. i wore a short sleeve shirt today to let it air out. hope that works.

ketzl got a walk in the morning and again at night. it is so funny to hear him crunching down the asparagus. and he likes the new organic treats i got at the health food store in santa monica.

minor tweaks mean bare front yard

2009-02-18T23:49:00.000-08:00

wow clean up well underway. lots of stuff gone. deck dismantled. it looks very empty. but things grow back.

tonight after several different snafus, Nath and i saw "A Picasso" at San Jose Rep. excellent play. 80 minutes with no intermission. the story of Pablo Picasso (formerly Pablito Ruiz) and an investigator for the Germans in Paris, looking to have him identify three pieces of art. great repartee. great lines. "he's an atheist." "but a Catholic athiest." "everyone is a law breaker. you just need to find out which law." "hitler also likes to paint." "yes, but he has a problem with borders." and the best part, House of Siam was still open so we could have sticky rice with mango. really the best. the rice was fresh and warm. fabulous.

i think the change in weather has something to do with it. things were weird all over today i think. frantic. strange energy. busy is good.

a tuesday masquerading as a monday

2009-02-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

even though we love a monday off, it makes things a bit weird. fortunately it was a very productive day at work.

the weekend finished well. very successful forays to the thrift store for the half-price presidents day sale. woo hoo. and elinor and i did major damage on insurance papers to get reimbursed from the long-term health care policy. and the weather cooperated for my drives up and back to oakland.

then the monday night group (well most of us) ate at Elephant Bar. well one man and 4 women. it was nice to be relaxed and out of the same monday night room. and the food wasn't too bad. i remember that linda and i ate there, at the bar, on one of her early visits. i need to get a photo album called "restaurant photos." did i already say that?

i decided that unless there is a party here, i'm going to stop using the dishwasher. i already rinse dishes pretty well, so what's the point of letting them sit in the machine until there are enough to run a cycle, after a week. so i'm going to do what they do in LA...use the dishwasher as a drying rack. and wash the same plate, cup, fork, bowl, pan, over and over again.

this morning it was raining and then it cleared. the host on the KKUP show "Don't Panic it's just us folks" said look outside...there are rainbows. And there was a whole huge rainbow spanning from west to east. it was wonderful. linda loved loved rainbows. the real things in the sky, and rainbow stuff. the other morning the crystal prism hanging on the family room sliding door cast a rainbow on the front doorknob.

starting on minor tweaks to the landscaping. the old hot tub is leaving tomorrow and the deck (muchly rotted away). in front it will be mostly cleaning up and thinning as we concentrate on the backyard. i use "we" advisedly. i'm the commentator/watcher. i am excited and nervous. hope the weather cooperates tomorrow.

on another blog, i learned of the death of Louie Bellson, a famed drummer. the blogger has a pair of his drumsticks, a gift from Bellson's then wife, Pearl Bailey, to her father. his 2nd (?) wife was a classmate at Earlham College of my ex-husband. small world. 3 degrees of separation. or something.

i think i need to add a thermal blanket to the bed. it's pretty cold in the mornings, tho i know that there are families who have much less heat. but i can make a difference by adding a cotton thermal.

still lots to do. a few more things to eat, papers to file. the cat has been really nice about coming back to bed and letting me sleep in the morning. good cat.

well it's officially sunday now in California

2009-02-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

stopping first to post on facebook got me out of Valentine's Day. it is wonderful having friends who take me out for yummy persian food tonight. thanks guys. it was wonderful. including lumps of sugar to drink tea through. my father had a russian word for it: prekuska. it was fun. now that i'm home, ketzl wants to go outside but it is very cold and windy out. tomorrow morning.

got stuff done around the house. never enough. nice to be home this weekend. going up to see Elinor on Monday and then the group will get together at Elephant Bar. don't want a monday evening to go to waste.

carolyn and i had a great time. talked nonstop for 6 hrs, i got to hear a brief piece on the viola de gamba and she left at 8:15 am for stanford. yummy thai food too. got to introduce her to several new dishes which she can now try at the new thai restaurant up by her.

i might even look for some old valentines cards. there was the year when linda bought a pack of kids ones and put them all around at work and at home. it was all good except the one i didn't find that had a lollipop on it. gross.... maybe i'll get some valentines for monday night. good idea.

linda loved to celebrate all events. valentine's day, birthdays, anniversaries. marking dates. the cycle of the year. the change of seasons. the passage of time. celebrating being together.
`
ketzl really wants to go out but it is too late. 12:12 AM. does that count as a padiddle? that's when you show up for a kiss. :~)

friday the 13th, times two

2009-02-12T20:20:00.000-08:00

or more, depending on what you are counting.
so mathematicians, how often do we get a friday the 13th in a february which gets us another friday the 13th in march (except in a leap year). and how does that compare to the rate of fridays the 13th not starting in february? inquiring minds want to know.

february 13th is a birthday day. for at least two of my friends, and my late mother, Ann Levine. and it is a date of death. for the brother of one of those friends it is three months, and it is ten months since Linda died. there is a whole lot of stuff bound up in this one day tomorrow. "it doesn't get any better but it does get different."

and as i was driving home tonight, pondering all those elements, the tears come again. briefly. but they come. sometimes everything is just hard.

Wednesday already, more rain on the way

2009-02-11T22:57:00.001-08:00

fortunately ketzl and i were able to go out for a walk, and then later he went out on his tether. cool. a bit damp. but better than nothing. most of the worms are now gone, thank goodness. the 20 or 30 a few doors down was pretty daunting. ketzl played with a few tonight but i think has given up eating them. hey, it's protein.

good news. my friend from healdsburg up north by santa rosa is coming to a gamba workshop at stanford on saturday. she will come down the night before and we will do dinner and she will stay overnight. i had to explain that ketzl does not recognize shabbat to let me sleep in on Saturday mornings. ah well.

having trouble resolving the ebay hacking that daniel noticed a few days ago. live chats have timed out or something. they say they have notified sellers that they were not genuine offers. but i can't seem to reset the password.

dr. vint cerf spoke last night at the synagogue. he had a delicate balance between speaking to the average consumer and the highly sophisticated techies in the audience. he is considered one of the fathers of the internet (not Al Gore) and he talked about the past, present and future of this amazing thing. like getting a cell phone call from your refrigerator reminding you to bring home marinara sauce but all the other ingredients for a pasta dinner are available. very sweet man, great sense of humor. his official job title: chief internet evangelist at google. pretty nifty.

the monday night group is happy to get together for dinner on monday, when technically we are on week 1 of 2 weeks off. elephant bar on hamilton. one of the first restaurants linda and i went to on her early trips to california. i wrote a small poem and shared it last week. written on Jan 13, 10 months after Linda died.

not a tissue alert (i don't think):

same and different
to my monday night group, with love and appreciation

we are so very different
one from another
different backgrounds
different jobs
different ages
different experiences
individuals who would not under normal circumstances
necessarily be drawn to one another.
and yet the one thing makes us all the same
is so much more important
than our differences

it is our very humanity
our sameness in the face of loss
having to claw our ways back to life
rejoicing at the baby steps
not knowing when the tears will come joins us
laughing together joins us
cheering each other on with each new step on our journeys
as we reassemble the pieces of our shattered existences
and move to a new wholeness.

and so while we are so very different
we are all so much more the same.

sunday evening by the ocean....

2009-02-08T21:15:00.000-08:00

in my "25 things about me" on facebook, i said i cannot imagine living far from water, especially the ocean. that's one of the real treats about coming down for visits. tonight the wind is blowing too hard to leave the window open even a crack, but the traffic has pretty much died down already and i can hear the wind-whipped waves crashing. did not make it all the way down to the water today. next time, i promise myself. we did go on two walks today, not long, but that was all i could do. my father would not leave the house. my sister is far more creative and persistent than i am, i guess. last time she got them out for lunch. i went and did a small bit of shopping for dry cereal and hand lotion and gum for me for the airplane. i had an awful time last night even though i was chewing the whole way so i was not about to be trapped sans gum.

for some unknown reason i cannot reply to emails from here. so i have to start a new thread and remember the email address. grrrr. not sure what's up with that.

new phone seems to work ok. we called my aunt in florida and the daughter of an old friend of my father's here in Santa Monica. invited someone in the bldg over for tea bu she was busy. got a random email from one of the "flower ladies." she was trying to send email to her son on a new laptop and somehow got my email address in there by mistake and clicked "send" too quickly. anyway it was nice to hear from her and send regards back and forth. 3 sisters and a brother came to the Saturday farmers market for many many years and made friends with a lot of people, including my parents. one of them in particular still sends cards and letters, which is so sweet. i write her back every so often expressing my gratitude for her steady connection.

"and so it goes."
after breakfast i'll call the cab and head back.

it was a good day with friends at the SF Intl Gift Show. Found a great source for reusable shopping bags that i will try to "sell" to the Mitzvah Day committee that we should buy a bunch. fair trade, good stuff, made in Korea. the show is really overwhelming. one would need several full days to see it all. but i did find my favorite jewelers from LA, Baraket. and made several purchases. so i'm feeling overall much better. byzantine is a lovely chain. not hollow. yummy. see, i learned a lot of things from Linda, including how to evaluate gold.

so off to pack and get ready for bed. i'm not willing to try writing notes on facebook, but maybe i can do a status. decisions, decisions in the modern age of connectivity.

in the backyard...

2009-02-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

nothing gets Ketzl going like two full size raccoons in the backyard. OMG they are huge. he gets really noisy and crashes into the sliding doors in the family room and the bedroom while hissing and growling. not sure how close they eventually came. i turned on the back porch lights to try to get them to leave. poor cat was very very very upset.

blog vs facebook & metamorphosis

2009-02-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

oh dear
who am i writing for? (well hopefully me) who is reading? who is reading both maybe? do i write different things here and on facebook? it is way too confusing. not to mention time consuming.

how progress is measured:
making plans more than just getting out of bed in the morning.
it is not critical to have a box of tissues nearby.
actually making something to eat for dinner.
not having to force myself to clear the sink, empty the dishwasher.
not leaving the tag reference to the blog and pancan on every email sent.
they seem like small steps.

but think of what metamorphosis is.
the complete disintegration and reintegration of all the parts of the caterpillar into the parts of the butterfly. how does it happen? is it at the atomic level? the molecular level? the cellular level? whatever...the caterpillar actually melts, dissolves and reassembles into the butterfly.
someone in group said last night that we are all finding "the new normal."
isn't that what the butterfly is to the caterpillar? the new normal?
and so we who are grieving actually do that: melt and reassemble ourselves into the new normal, which we don't quite know what it will look like until we get there. ever changing. but moving forward, one step at a time.

oh dear.
David Letterman just had an awaful joke but i have to share it.
the new prime minister of iceland is apparently a lesbian. (the audience and band cheered). apparently, he said, she's the only foreign leader who likes bush.
grooooaaaaannnnn.

weekend reflections

2009-02-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

so the steelers won. if the bills (or patriots .. insert your favorite team here) weren't in it, did it matter? well it was a good game. that's more important.

carrie fisher was on the NPR show "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me." that was nice. go princess leia!

two strands from the bar mitzvah speeches on saturday:
the boy said what he learned from his torah portion was the importance of trust, determination and love. but the most important is love. and the father said that there is no inherent reality; we create it with our words, our actions and our connections.

wow. that's enough for today.

birthday ... continued

2009-01-30T23:17:00.001-08:00

the overriding theme of cards this year was cats
including one that looks a lot like ketzl
followed by butterflies and bees.

today was a lovely breakfast (compromise on bagel and chocolate croissant when i took a batch of towels from sierra trading post down to the jcc for the mikvah). rabbi leslie says i will know when is the right time for me to have my first mikvah experience.
then yummy spicy chile relleno lunch with an old friend (older than me by 3 yrs and a few weeks). accomplishful at work in getting the bulletin in the mail.

got a nice card from hospice of the valley. they send things out periodically. small quotes, reminders to take care of ourselves. that whatever we are feeling is OK.

i love the new ad for service america. wow. a president who does tv ads.
amazing that obama has been in office less than two weeks. it is pretty much a blur.

news of the strange:
this January is the 3rd warmest on record since 1889. wow. average temp: 63 degrees.
ethical question: what kind of doctor does in vitro for an unmarried woman who already has 6 children ranging in age from 2 to 7 (the one who just gave birth to the octuplets in southern california this week).

it's weekend.
for those of you who don't know it yet, off freecycle i got a fabulous mascot head (a cartoon-like head, of a guy named Horace). amazing. great halloween costume. fabulous. i am very happy. freecycle rocks.

Dining with Deborah, Act I

2009-01-28T23:16:00.000-08:00

Tonight was a lovely dinner at House of Siam for me and 15 friends and family. We stretched out over the entire back area where we sat on cushions with our feet hanging down below the table. I order appetizers which arrived pretty quickly including the favorite sweet potato fries. yum. and of course sticky rice with mango for dessert which i ordered and fried bananas with ice cream on the house (with candles). sweet. then i couldn't find my keys which were deep in my coat pocket and a bunch of us spent some time looking until i figured it out.

there will be Act II after some people get back to town, like Christine who with her son Caspar made it to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro!! woo hoo!!!!!

So I feel birthday-ed, with lots of calls and singing of songs, almond coffee cake for breakfast and boston cream pie (?) for snack in the afternoon (more candles) at work. emails and cards (many with cat themes). it's been a good day.

thanks, y'all.

birthday eve for me...

2009-01-27T22:36:00.000-08:00

tonite as daphne and i left the synagogue, i looked over the wall and thru the trees and saw the sliver of a moon. it was really quite striking. a new month. a new year.

a birthday is so many things. the day that someone actually was born and took breaths of air on this earth. a day celebrating that event. the culmination of 365 days since the previous celebration ... a look backward. you made it through "another one." or the beginning of the new year that is starting. a look forward. so the actual birthday is a pivot point. a point of balance. a fulcrum between the past and the future. i guess that's sort of how i feel. working on balance. so here i am, getting ready to turn 63, the next in the list of "firsts" ... things without Linda. no guarantee that the 2nd time around will be any easier, but gotta get thru the firsts. that's why hospice stays connected for 13 months, getting thru the entire year of firsts.

this year "we" will celebrate with thai food and sticky rice with mango (a requirement) at house of siam in downtown san jose. i could not for the life of me remember what we did last year, so i went back to linda's blog (which i was writing) and found that i took the day off from work, linda and i went out to breakfast, then to dr. cohen, and saw "27 dresses." i actually still have no recollection, even after reading the words. it is still a blur. i don't know how i had the strength to go back to the posts on linda's blog that followed my birthday. not all of them, but up to and including april 13. tissue alert. it was nice to see the reading that kaaren read that night: we who mourn the loss of a friend should not dwell on that loss, but rather should be thankful for the gift of her presence in our lives.

we had a nice art activity in the support group: creating a collage using pictures of our partner, quotes, things from magazines. it was a fun experience and a lot of nice quotes. Jack Lemmon: "death is the end of a life, but not a relationship." will share more of them later.

tonight we had a yummy dinner (at jerusalem cafe, 3064 el camino real in santa clara, thank you jay and cindy), and when i got home, allowed myself to eat the LAST persimmon from the backyard for dessert. quite wonderful.

so happy birthday to me. thanks for the cards, the calls, and warm wishes. there are actually two other people sharing my birthday among my 91 friends on facebook. i find that a very interesting statistic. i will drag this out for as long as people want to celebrate (mostly cuz there are a lot of people unavailable on a weds nite or actually out of town).

ketzl` is loving up the laptop. wonder how many key strokes he will get in. zs1`` make it 5 we had a nice walk when i first got home. it was california cold and i did a good job of wrapping a scarf so i could breathe warm air (it was one of linda's scarves) and a black Linda hat. warm.

it's often better without an agenda....

2009-01-22T23:02:00.001-08:00

a walk with ketzl works well
not even on my cell phone
just walking
the cloud cover keeping it fairly warm
garbage cans out in ones, twos and threes.
no cars on the street. the sound of a plane overhead, moving away; another takes its place. ketzl finds a slug and several things that move. this morning he bisected a worm. which, after a pause, started moving again, both pieces. tonight he sniffs the 8th bush for the 15th time. rubbed his head on the ball of a trailer hitch. stopped to bristle at something of interest behind the trailer at the corner.

caroline kennedy withdraws. strange.

too close for comfort:
joel grey (now age 76) as dr. alexander on "private practice" (not a great show; background while i was doing garbage, after "grey's anatomy" which i try to watch)
dying of 4th stage pancreatic cancer. pain management at the end. yikes.
i miss joel grey's acting. i miss linda.

after the play on sunday, i went to my favorite used bookstore in mt. view, book buyers, and found several cd's for 99cents. one is vox femina los angeles, a fabulous women's chorus that sings, among other things, "simply love," by holly near, which was on the tape that linda made for me in 1999, sung by Muse, the women's chorus from Cincinnati. very powerful song, very powerful sound. i just checked out their website and they sing other Muse songs, like sky dancers. wow. not on the cd i have but i may need to get more. great music.

ketzl likes red pepper. crunchy. cute.

first consult with the landscape designer and installer this afternoon.
it's going to be a fun process, i hope.

what a weekend is coming up: rock shabbat services, haircut and diaspora dinner on saturday, sunday is blood drive, leonardo exhibit and chinese dinner. phew. and i need to book my next trip(s) to LA to get some kind of decent prices. vox femina is playing in LA in March. that might be fun. not sure if that's my weekend, but i'm sure it can work.

where's the cat?

history was made on this momentous day

2009-01-20T21:48:00.000-08:00

so i played a couple of hours of hooky this morning.
wow what a wonderful day this was
even rick warren wasn't too terrible.
the poem by Elizabeth Alexander was amazing. "Praise Song for the Day."
the music with Itzak Perlman and Yo Yo Ma was wonderful. the pianist with fingerless gloves. the musicians represented a wonderful diversity.
the microphones on the podium were so sensitive that small snippets of conversation sneak through.
and the energy, the change of feeling evident in the crowd.
that it is all of us (as will.i.am says, you and me, together). "because we, the people, remain true to our forebears."
right now i'm watching a replay of Aretha Franklin singing. what a fabulous hat! and voice. that too.
so much to remember and reflect on.
i have really enjoyed listening to the correspondents and professors talking about the nuances of obama's speech.
"on this day we come together because we have chosen peace over war."
"the time has come to choose our better history."
"greatness is never a gift; it must be earned."
"the question is not whether government is too big or too small but whether it works."
"the tempering qualities of humility and restraint."
"guided by these principles once more..."
to the world "our spirit is stronger and you cannot defeat us."
"a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves.."
those values upon which our success depends, honesty and hard work, ... loyalty and patriotism. these things are old, these things are true." "what is demanded is a return to these truths, a new era of responsibility."
"in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship.
with hope and virtue let us endure what storms may come."
let it be said by our children's children that when faced with....
we did not turn back nor did we falter.... we delivered the gift of freedom to future generations."

wow i liked it way more the second time!!

for some reason there are so many male cats in the yards.
a black and white one and a yellow striped one have been around for several days, giving ketzl fits. this morning while i was watching tv there was a different fluffy cat out there and ketzl had pieces of that cat's fur in his claws. yikes. it took a while for him to calm down enough to come inside.

tomorrow is another day. a new day. a new era.
i agree with Gwen Ifill, that the change is possibly more one of generational shift than overcoming a racial barrier. it was a wonderful day today. glad i was here to enjoy and savor it.

back, dinner, theatre and poetry

2009-01-18T23:37:00.000-08:00

so my regular tix at theatreworks in mt view are sunday at 7 pm. not sure if i've ever gone then. tonite after i got in, i met my coworker for dinner (mongolian bbq on castro st in mt view and it was yummy!!) and we saw "Twentieth Century," which was ok, not great. fun but not sterling. comedy set on a 1930's passenger train. set was fabulous. costume design magnificent.

afterwards, book buyers one of my favorite used bookstores was still open (yay) and i scored 11 cd's at 99cents each (!) including a britney spears. truly.

i know i am moving along when i head to the section on death/dying/grief and i really don't see anything i need to read. i know that we are getting a bunch of stuff from the group facilitator, but there was no book that really spoke to me. it feels good.

then, an amazing thing. i'm walking back to my car and i hear percussion that i know is resonant because it is in an alleyway. it is a guy (joey chang, cellojoe.com) who is making music on an assortment of things: plastic 5 gal drum, a small cymbal, cowbell, electric burner metal wells, etc. and there was a small portable typewriter. turns out he is a grad of Berklee College of Music in Boston, a cello player (duh) and he writes poems on request. here is what he wrote... i gave him the word "hope"

we have been at the end
of our rope for eight tough years but now we
have hope that can assuage our fears
and it's not just a new
president it's a new
mind set that change
is possible and probably
that we can make this
world better for our
sons and daughters
we can organize to expose
the lies of corporate
ties that we can do it
ourselves it's our job
and duty and world citizens
to have hope for
the future of our culture.

on a piece of paper 2x4".
wow. needless to say, i made a donation and he played percussion for me.
he is playing locally in mt view and santa cruz. need to share that info with jeremy. the official googler. wow. i still can't believe that wait is over.

just heard that the sharks beat the redwings last night in a fabulous game.
the best of the regular season say the commentators.
sorry we missed that one.

so the visit was a pretty normal one.
i'll be back in 3 weeks i think.
ketzl is happy to have me home tho he would prefer more time outside.
but it's a trifle too cold.
i hope i get up early enough to take him out in the morning. i have to empty the car to get ready to go to scruz to get the new cat tree.
meow he says.
sorry i say.

i'm back in Santa Monica and it's after Hanukkah

2009-01-17T20:35:00.000-08:00

had to do some kind of rhyme there.

so in talking with friends and relations (that's from Winnie the Pooh, i think) in the Midwest and East Coast, i hear directly that it is ridiculously cold. going outside and feeling your nose hairs freeze, that's cold. wearing a hat and scarf (matching) inside and several layers and still being cold, that's ridiculous. and here in California we are in the midst of a real heat wave. and the building super here forgot to leave the air on in the hallways, so the entire building got overheated until they figured out how to turn it back on, but we had windows open and even had the a/c on today for a bit because without anything, the temp was 80 degrees in the house. ok enough weather. and i'm really sorry for everyone in the cold. it's not fair. but it is part of the reason why i live in california.

so the latest CNN etc is on the preparations for Tuesday. wow. i think they are the ones asking people to take a picture of exactly when the swearing in takes place and send it to them. it will no doubt be the most photographed event of all time. technology is incredible, now that almost everyone has a cell phone with a camera (now including ME!). so if the main event is 11AM - noon Tuesday, that means 8-9 AM in California. i need to watch this on my HDTV. or i have to get to the office by 8 AM, the likelihood of which happening is pretty low.

today was a pretty quiet day. eating, naps, one walk around the block, yoga at 4, a bit of TV, some of the LA Times (sheesh i miss a semi-decent paper). there was one brief paragraph that all local papers are giving up on theater review columns/columnists. not only is that people out of work, but this area depends so heavily on small and large productions. i heard on the radio a few weeks back that there are two reporters left nationally who focus on labor issues. i know that newpapers are having to reinvent themselves, but some of the specialized stuff just can't go away.

this is already a difficult year. more people are dying. Rabbi Michael Signer, who thrived on Jewish-Catholic dialogue and was at Notre Dame (pancreatic cancer, age 63). No matter what you thought of his ideas, Fr. Richard John Neuhaus was another major intellect. Andrew Wyeth. and probably many more of which i am not aware. and we are less than a month in to the new year, which was supposed to be better than last year, remember?

apparently David Letterman had a compendium of "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches" on last night. i'll try to find it on youtube. the only tv here is in my father's bedroom. it seems as though the traffic is very light tonight. that's nice, cuz it will make it earlier that i can hear the ocean.

wacky days, cooler nights

2009-01-14T23:20:00.000-08:00

cooler, but not cold like Cleveland OH (7 degrees) or Wash DC (20 degrees) according to my informants.

tonight as i was checking my email, i flipped over to an oldies channel and saw some of an episode of "The Wild Wild West." What a wonderful show that was. Robert Conrad and Ross Martin. Ross was born Martin Rosenblatt in Poland, and designed many of his own disguises for the show. check out the wikipedia article. tonight also featured the great Michael Dunn as Prof. Miguelito Loveless, and also Richard Kiel (the man who is 7'2" and starred later in several James Bond movies as Jaws). wow. what a thrill.

a new cat scratcher with attachments came to the office today. ketzl was like a kid: he liked the box more than the actual item. but it has a lot of fun and interesting things. more to keep him busy. on monday MLK day, day off from work, i will head back to santa cruz to pick up a new cat tree. they are so sturdy and well-made. maybe get some sushi..and come back so ketzl has some time outside.

today i wore my african print shirt but it didn't do any good helping charlie and christine get launched. after getting to the airport here at 6 am, by 6 pm they were still in LA about to board a plane for london, instead of brussels as originally scheduled and they will be a day late but still in time to make the gorilla trek. this before charlie returns home and christine heads to mt. kilimanjaro with caspar. wow.

i'm tired.
looking forward to tuesday and obama's inauguration.
a day a long very long time coming.

long day, lovely moon, and more

2009-01-12T22:57:00.000-08:00

apparently the moon is so large because it is really closer than it has been (in a long time or ever, I don't know) and tonight it begins to wane.

today started with termite inspection and yes after 26 years, the house has both kinds of termites. need to get the deck demolished before treating things. moving full steam ahead and giving references for the new landscape installer who also does design. apparently my post on facebook got noticed, and it's fine with her, Stephanie Curtis of Curtis Horticulture, www.curtishort.com.

took Ketzl for his nightly walk and saw the "object of interest," a cat sitting on a fence. lots of interesting body language and sounds from Ketzl, but he was willing to come home without too much difficulty this time.

sent to many folks the link to the Suze Orman download featured on Oprah.com. i think we can all use some financial consultation for the coming year. check it out. http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20081119_tows_bookdownload

and then there's the strange friendship of an elephant and dog at an elephant "retirement" range. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFz-FMj-9Ps sorry for the lack of sophistication. i do need to learn how to embed things.

today it was 84 degrees in santa rosa!! this morning after i put on a polarfleece shirt, creature of habit, it was warmer outside at 9 AM than it was in the house! 70's tomorrow. i know we need rain, but i think the wonderful warm sun has had an positive effect on many, not to mention the wonderful moon. tonight at group we were all laughing a lot and noticing good changes. one man is taking lots of photographs, especially beaches and sunsets and having a great time.

yesterday before dinner (but after i wrote the post) i went to pick up my new SIGG bottle at REI (to replace the one i left in Dulles airport on the way home from europe in september). the new one is PURPLE really strong metallic purple with a large butterfly...composed of lots of small details (peace sign, spider, yin yang, flower, lizard, guitar, so much more). i drink much more with a nice bottle at my desk. and more retail therapy: i bought myself an anniversary present for yesterday at the consignment store just down the parking lot from REI on Prospect Road. a very nice ring with 3 horizontal aquamarines. 14k gold. really very sweet. something to celebrate and remember the good times, and the gold jewelry!

happy anniversary

2009-01-11T11:47:00.000-08:00

there were many significant dates over the 8+ years that Linda and I were together.

on January 11, 2001
Linda and I stood before the ark at Temple Emanu-El
and Rabbi Dana Magat blessed us.

tonight i will celebrate with Paula and Harold for Thai food, and hopefully sticky rice with mango for dessert.

walking in the moonlight

2009-01-10T23:57:00.000-08:00

i think it's just past full moon.
what's the song by jim kweskin and the jugband
Ukulele Lady...
"I saw the splendor of the moonlight on Honolulu Bay" what a great sound.
the moonlight is so bright that it shines down the "sun tunnel"...moon tunnel?

tonight i undertook a complete bed re-do. washing the mattress pad, rotating the mattress, refitting the heated mattress pad, replacing the top mattress pad, sheets, and pillow cases and changing the comforter cover. no easy trick by myself, but it can be done.

saw the stairwell sisters tonight. 5 fabulous women musicians at mission city coffee roasting company, presented by fiddling cricket. they are really good. including Evie who does clogging/buck dancing. i think i saw them with my sister last year or the year before at the old time music festival in berkeley. elinor is back from car trip to arizona, jeremy is back from visit to LA today. it's nice to have a weekend at home. ketzl appreciates it. i think i'm the only person who takes a cat for a walk at 11PM when it is cold and all other cats and people are sensibly inside.

forgetting and remembering and tissue alerts

2009-01-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

i forgot to mention that Patrick Swayze is on Barbara Walters tonight. he is also a pancreatic cancer survivor. his tumor was inoperable, mets in the liver. he calls it "living with the beast." but he wanted to continue the TV show. A&E The Beast. his wife is talking about how incredibly tough he is. he "raged his way through the pain" because he couldn't take massive pain meds and still be working on the show. "we're all dying. it's just a question of when." see below. and his wife of 33 years, Lisa is saying, it's just one foot in front of the other. you don't know how you can do it, but you do. barbara is asking him a ridiculous question: do you have any idea of how much more time you have? side effects of new chemo is less, but susceptible to cold. been there. it comes down to quality of life, going to moment to moment. "when do you decide that the fight isn't worth the decline in quality of life?" they have created a forest, 200 year plan in 15 years. he wants to leave a legacy in that way. he wants to last until they find a cure. now dr. fisher from Stanford is on. wow. Barbara and Patrick's first interview was 20 years ago. from Ghost, he remembers that the last line is "the only thing you take with you, is the love inside, you take it with you." oops tissue alert backsies. they made an appointment for a next interview in a couple of years. it's always good to have celebrities bring attention to a disease.

remembered that walking with Ketzl works best when i simply focus on the walk, without other agenda. so tonight i didn't take my cell phone, just walked. the sky was not really clear tonight, but i can still find orion's belt.

tonight i got bluetooth headsets for jeremy and me. moving ahead on the g-phone. it's not quite so scary.

today when i got home there were two packages on the front porch. the cat food was expected. but the other one, from Amazon, was a surprise. i didn't order it. there was no gift notification inside. the box contained a CD: music in the key of hanukkah, by Erran Baron Cohen, brother of Sasha Baron Cohen of Borat etc. i had heard him interviewed on NPR a few weeks ago. i know i spoke about it briefly with someone. not sure who. also in the box: a DVD: triplets of belleville. i love that movie. tim sent me a copy years ago cuz he liked it a lot. i don't know where this came from. any clues out there in blogland?

here is the "below" referenced above.

i've been thinking recently about how we all die. as patrick swayze said, we all die, we just don't know when. it's a weird thing to try to grapple with. i know we are all supposed to "live each day as if it were your last." but do any of us do that? it is so much easier just to push along each day, doing the things that are urgent at the moment. the dishes, the laundry, the bills, getting gas in the car, helping a friend...flying to visit family, painting a picture, organizing photographs....the list goes on and on. i don't have anything really profound to say at this time, just that i am thinking about it.

remembering. tissue alert ahead of time now. it continues. the year passing by. the first year. the year of firsts. holidays, anniversaries, birthdays pass. coming on sunday is the 11th, 1/11/01 was the day that rabbi blessed the two of us in front of the open ark at the synagogue. pushed for by linda (not surprisingly). we never had an "official" wedding. i said that we didn't need one, that i felt as committed and joined to her, just with our commitment to each other. now of course i see that it was something more than i could have done (and here i said i would try to stop beating up on myself). so this sunday i will remember. i have the pictures, thanks to "our assembled loved one."

movies to see: Doubt, Gran Torino, Frost/Nixon.

payback is heavy duty...

2009-01-05T23:21:00.001-08:00

so the other side of the airport issue on friday was sunday
where the security line extended past US airways and to the overpass. never seen it so far. i made my flight. and there was Kaaren on her way back from TX visiting her mom who is dealing well with chemo for pancreatic cancer discovered several months ago.

tonight ketzl and i went for a walk (it was damp but not drizzling actually) and then he ran around the house like a wild beast. now he is in the old small tree. other tree relocated to christine and charlie's where it is being used. maybe i'll get another new sturdy one for this location from the guy in santa cruz.

tonight the support group for partner loss resumed. we got a new man. that makes 3. and 6 women.

thank you jeremy (i think) for the hanukkah/birthday etc present of a g-phone on the new family plan. this requires getting stuff off the old sim cards, and especially Linda's voice on the voicemail on the 7119 number, the only recording i have. yargh. last time i checked with ATT, they wanted me to purchase a propietary flash drive to get the data off the sim cards. i may resort to that. does not solve the problem with voicemail, so i'm not sure when i will switch carriers for sure. it will be a steep learning curve on this new-fangled item. i hope i am up to it.

from Santa Monica again

2009-01-03T19:38:00.000-08:00

there were, count them, 24 people on the flight from San Jose to LAX yesterday. that is unheard of. on an early evening trip? i think many businesses were closed and many people had Friday off as well. astounding. anyway, the flight attendants had nothing to do.

the ocean is fine. i went this morning (thanks, Adam, for the nudge to be sure i went to the ocean...the trick is go early). the climb back up the incline is not so easy on the quadriceps. but i won't complain.

not sure where it was hiding, but apparently the DMV sticker for my father's car is now affixed. two legal cars. wonderful.

it is actually cool down here. we turned the heat on in the apartment and it makes a big difference. though my father is always cold. next on the shopping spree: long sleeve and long pants pj's or maybe thermals. so far i'm 4 for 4.

and we are traumatized not only by what is going on in Gaza, but also the public reaction. i think i cannot watch any more CNN on this topic, though i do credit one anchor Don Lemon for being pretty unrelenting in pursuit of an answer until it became clear he wasn't going to get anything like he was looking for.

i think we will all go to sleep early tonight.

it appears that i didn't do any NYEve write ups. parties were good. people were friendly. food was delicious (including the incredible neverending platter of triple brownies). so happy new year. 2009 has got to be better. the journey continues.

a new years haiku

2008-12-31T16:42:00.000-08:00

grey foggy morning
leaves falling gently from trees
we stalk a squirrel

happy new year one and all

2008-12-30T22:53:00.001-08:00

right now it's the Barbra Streisand retrospective on the Kennedy Center Honors...very nicely done.

today my car is registered for the coming year, late. another piece that got lost. new motto: bill comes in, pay it now. on the way home i drove next to a subaru wrx, electric blue with the ridiculous tall spoiler on the back. nice color. i'd love to have that. barring blue, maybe 2009 is the year that my silver forester gets flames, purple and black.

this is the car that Linda helped choose for me. it fits me perfectly. i had been driving a tan chevy blazer in 1999. it was too big, got lousy mileage and was getting older. so i sat in a subaru. one thing i still like about it are the windows all around, like an old-time station wagon. it feels safer, being able to see without a blind spot. not sure i could transition to a sedan. i still don't have many miles because all of our long-distance trips were in Linda's Hyundai...more comfy and a joy to drive. it handles so well on the freeway. so wherever i go, driving, i'm surrounded by Linda.

tonight more demonstrations in SF. it's always so difficult and yet so clear: if Hamas stops firing rockets, Israel will have no cause to retaliate. two people i know are on their way to Israel, i think. we'll keep them in our thoughts.

moving forward regarding garden revitalization. it will be a long process but worth it. met a new horticulturist this morning. good impression. i think it's going to work out well.

so tomorrow is the last day of 2008. it has been a difficult year for many of us who had Linda in our lives. we have made it through a lot of "firsts" already, and there are more to come between now and April. i bought myself an early birthday present, a print of a purple butterfly from Heron Dance. i know there are no walls on which to put it, but i'll find a place, probably in the bedroom.

tomorrow night will be the traditional party with nursery school parents, and then over to Jeff and Razmik's for their bash, complete with the upside-down Christmas tree full of fabulous ornaments, and delicious desserts.

so, with high hopes for the coming year. it's got to get better. wonder where i can watch Obama's inauguration. planning for the future. one foot in front of the other. that's the journey.

end of chanukah, hats, and more

2008-12-28T21:22:00.000-08:00

tonight was the last night of chanukah. may the lights shine brightly in these dark days, dark in so many ways, and into the coming year. i didn't actually light the chanukiyah. nor did we last night. went to see Kinsey Sicks (appropriately funny and gross) in San Francisco last night. on the way home i waded through a police sobriety/license stop. took probably almost half an hour extra. good thing there was nice music in the cd player.

i was moving a black hat to sit down to type, one of Linda's large collection of newsboy caps (6 panels, small brim), that i had taken to santa monica, hoping to convince my father to try a new one. this one came home. i put it on. hats do keep heads warm. and also cover hair that is looking a bit long and shaggy. i think i may wear this hat tomorrow.

Barack Obama is all over the place. on 60 minutes with a historical look. on a friend's blog, his tribute to neighbor Rabbi Arnold Wolf. it's a bit long but a wonderful reminder that we will have a literate, compassionate president in not much more than 3 weeks. wow.

"Letter from President-Elect Barack Obama
Funeral of Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf
December 26, 2008
Chicago, Illinois

I am deeply saddened to learn of the passing of Rabbi Arnold Jacob Wolf, who was not just our neighbor, but a dear friend to Michelle and me. We are joined in this time of grief by the entire Hyde Park community, the American Jewish Community, and all those who shared Rabbi Wolf's passion for learning and profound commitment to serving others. Today we bid farewell to a titan of moral strength and a champion of social justice.

Rabbi Wolf always remained true to the meaning of being a rabbi: he was a teacher. He took great pleasure in delving into Judaism's ancient texts, drawing out lessons about right and wrong, and inspiring young people to engage the world and strive to improve it. He transformed the historic tradition into a catalyst for Tikkun Olam - the sacred pursuit of repairing a broken world in our own time. He taught us by example that we must pray not just with words, but with deeds - and that we must truly live the meaning of "love thy neighbor as thyself."

In the great Rabbinical tradition, Rabbi Wolf was passionate and provoc ative in this work - and my conversations with him were always lively. You knew that if he disagreed with you, he would let you know in no uncertain terms - especially if he thought you were overlooking the moral dimensions of an issue, or rationalizing your own failure to live up to the highest moral principles. But he did it with kindness, and often with a smile or a laugh to let you know that even though you were just plain wrong, and had no idea what you were talking about, he still loved you.

Rabbi Wolf's commitment to justice started early in life. As a young rabbi serving at a turbulent time for our nation, he was determined to fight discrimination of any kind, and his involvement in the Civil Rights movement alongside Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel helped strengthen the bonds between the Jewish and African-American communities.

Rabbi Wolf embarked on an historic experiment with the founding of Congregation Solel on Chicago's North Shore. Solel, which means "trailblazer," describes him well. He was proud to have Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as an honored guest speaker. He was among the first to introduce to Chicago the writings of Elie Wiesel and Holocaust studies. And he never shied away from controversy or challenge when he saw an opportunity to advance the cause of freedom.

Throughout Chicago and in Jewish homes and classrooms across our country, Rabbi Wolf's name is synonymous with service, social action, and the possibility of change. He will be remembered as a loving husband and father, an engaging teacher, a kindhearted shepherd for the K.A.M. Isaiah community, and a tireless advocate of peace for the United States, Israel and the world.

And I will always be personally grateful for the support he showed me as I embarked on my own journey. In a piece Rabbi Wolf wrote on my behalf months ago, he wrote that he was proud to be my neighbor and that he hoped to someday visit me in the White House. In the end, however, the honor was all mine. And while he may not have lived to pay that visit to the Oval Office, I hope that his spirit of love, his love of learning, and his deep dedication to serving others will live on in the work I do each day. May his memory be a blessing and a comfort to us all and an inspiration for the generations to come."

my friend a retired episcopal priest in maryland sent me the link to this amazing youtube video, from Bjorn Borg's Love for All new site. amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPSfjReeC_k

ok that's enough for today.
short week.
"see you next year!"
remember when you'd say that as a kid? and laugh!!

Chanukah night 4

2008-12-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

today was a short day at work and then up to my co-worker's mom's house for dinner and Chanukah. a nice traditional setting...lots of kids, families all bring their chanukiyot and light together. lots of yummy food. i left before the onslaught of gift opening commenced. it was a unique experience for me.

yesterday was chanukah at the home of neighbors, members of the synagogue. excellent latkes, turkey, matzo ball soup (i got a to-go container which was yummy lunch), snacks, etc. gift last night was homemade olive oil with lemon blush. for dunking and salads only. we are warned. tonight's gifts from Marcy: a box of cherry cordial candies (we had been talking about them in the office) and several cards of the kind of clip you can poke into the walls of an office cubicle and hang things. i had been borrowing some and now can return them. i gave her a bag of yummy fresh brussels sprouts, a bar of goat milk and honey soap, and a handknit poncho in brown and some sparkly yarns. non-traditional gifts. it's what makes the holiday fun.

the weekend is shaping up. tomorrow, j will come help do some work around the house. then movie and chinese dinner. even tho friday is technically a day off, i will be getting ready for the chanukah party after services. keeping perhaps a bit too busy? important and useful. don't forget the 30 dozen jelly filled donut holes, to be picked up at noon.

i took ketzl out when i got home. it was cold and windy. there is a cat out there who looks like a longhaired cousin of his. same grey color, same general markings. but shaggy. i avoid having a direct confrontation. tonight he came running out of the house when erev xmas visitors were leaving. one couple got into a monster truck with the most beautiful flames. it was really lifted, lots of lights and flames. wow. i'm so jealous. every year i think about getting it done. perhaps for my birthday. but get dissuaded. maybe 2009 will be "the year" ...

wonderful evening

2008-12-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

the latkes were wonderful
bbq'd tri-tip was yummy.
salad with dried cranberries etc
fizzy pomegranate to drink
and desserts: cappuccino mousse and mango mousse.
totally wow.
hanukkah candles and birthday candle.
it was wonderful for the 3 of us to be together.
and the food was great.
the new WMF peeler is phenomenal.
and ketzl likes the new treats i got at pet food express (i got 4 different kinds)...wow what great stuff they have. but the harness is too small. i'll need to exchange it.
plans were made for movie and chinese on thursday.
daniel only has monday to work. jeremy has monday/tuesday. i have mon-midday weds. quick week will be just fine.

happy birthday Jeremy, happy hanukkah etc.

2008-12-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

tonight is the first night of Hanukkah and we will celebrate Jeremy's birthday as well (candle in a latke?). i am embarrassed to admit that i didn't call him on Friday, the actual day. it was crazy at work, but that's no excuse. fortunately it wasn't someone in Linda's family (for whom birthdays have much more significance).

latkes have various incarnations. my mother did the minimalist approach: potato, egg and salt. Linda maintained that without onion, it wasn't a true latke. Aud points out that it needs a bit of matzo meal to hold things together. topped with either sour cream or applesauce. yum.

it's been somewhat cold here, and all the leaves have now fallen off the peach and nectarine trees. the shapely ones on the apricot tree have all turned golden and are falling gently. i am nursing the last of the neighbor's persimmons which hang in my backyard (and which i pick with their permission). i got a few more at the farmers market yesterday.

this year's Hanukkah presents consist of donations to organizations that feel important to me: supporting families of prisoners (Friends Outside), food bank, microfinance loans to women (FINCA), mosquito nets and solar cookers for Darfur refugees, PanCAN, Hospice of the Valley. for the most part, my family does not need more "things."

everyone is feeling the pinch. just read that Shakespeare Santa Cruz is having trouble. so is Youth Science Institute. American Musical Theatre of San Jose closed shop. all around organizations are struggling, and then Madoff pulls his tricks. is it possible that he really believes he was doing something good? that he was not stealing? and the IL governor i think believes he did nothing wrong.

i rummaged in the drawers in the dining room and found candles, a hanukkiyah (the official name for the menora used at hanukkah) and even a birthday banner. there are a LOT of candles. the gentle scent that wafted up on opening the drawer was really nice. waxen. (one of Linda's key words used in guessing words in Jotto) since Ketzl, there are fewer candles burned in the house. even the memorial candle is a plug-in.

it's nice to have a day fully at home. first load of laundry in. sorting papers. doing dishes. it will be nice to have even more days next week. looking forward also to a trip to SF next Saturday to eat more latkes (!) with Linda F and her sister and then to see Kinsey Sicks, the world's first dragapella quartet, doing their holiday show, Oy Vey in a Manger (two of the singers are Jewish). they are amazing singers and the blend is fantastic, and it will be good to laugh a lot.

and yet it is hard. here i am, another first. first Chanukah without Linda. just when i thought that things were moving along, and that the holiday season wasn't going to be too difficult. hmmmm. watching the snow falling on the Seahawks/Jets game. going to dinner and a play last night with Nath. as Cindy from the support group said, you just don't know when a wave of sadness will sweep over and bring on tears. one woman invited us to her house on Christmas Day. i think i may take her up on that, and see if anyone wants to go to a movie. and then there is always Chinese food (the traditional way Jews spend the day).

ok...things are mostly packed. i'll stop by Christine's to drop off her veggies, etc., run by Costco to see how long the gas lines are. a few more errands and then it's latke time.

some things work, others don't

2008-12-18T23:43:00.001-08:00

the strange glitch with the bathroom window alarm contact not connecting in the closed position has been spontaneously fixed. i'm glad. now it's so cold i don't want to leave the window open even during the day, especially when it's raining. but now the dishwasher latch is not working well. what is the life expectancy of a dishwasher?

so garbage is out. i waited long enough and missed the rain. i think the pending rain is helping keep the temperature from dropping too low. a bit of relief. it was 38 degrees this morning when christine and i went out for our walk.

ketzl and i went out for a decent walk tonight while i talked with paula and carolyn.

so much strange stuff. obama choosing rick warren for the invocation. madoff being a complete thief and stealing billions.

more snow, more "cold"

2008-12-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

supposedly down to 28 tonight in this area.
last night there were weird things with the computer: caps lock that i couldn't get out of for a while.
ketzl got two walks tonight. once before dinner with Jeff and Razmik, Charlie and Christine (Merit Cafe, excellent vegetarian food with three vegan desserts!!), and once after. the boys gave ketzl a crinkly tunnel. we'll see if he likes it. then we went to their house to see the new upsidedown christmas tree. with lights. very interesting. looks good.

clear crisp starry sky on the 2nd walk. orion's belt clearly visible. scarf around the face really helped.

just saw that Netflix unlimited is now 9 bucks a month. wow. that is pretty tempting.

chanukah is approaching. tonight was the preschool potluck. organized chaos. put a few tix into the raffle bags. we'll see tomorrow if i won anything. sunday is officially first night. jeremy and daniel and i will do something together. our traditional is a meal of just latkes. amazing how many pounds of potatoes one can eat topped with applesauce and sour cream. next weds my coworker marcy has invited me and charles our 91 yr old office volunteer to her mom's house. that will be a real trip. i've heard a lot of stories, but have only met a few of them.

tickets in the coat pocket: Jersey Boys from December 2006. Pippin (by Stephen Schwartz) at Foothill College, 2007 i think. Keep Not Silent, an israeli film about lesbians ...that was very powerful. hey, the date just changed on the calendar. cool.

i went to the "post office" at Leiter's Pharmacy today to mail a microwavable neck wrap to my father, a couple of cards. box to Pat goes tomorrow. almost forgot the swiss chocolate! i have a hard time there. that's the place that handles all of Hospice's prescriptions. and where Jeremy took all the leftover pills that were not narcotics. strange to be there.

almost ready to publish the LindAlphabet.
got from Jackie her words from May 18. a refined version. thx so much.

ok now i'm hearing the temperatures back east and in the midwest.
so we really are wimps.

snow in northern california!! woo hoo!!

2008-12-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

we're not used to it but it sure is pretty on tv.
2100 ft level on skyline blvd. wow. more on mt. hamilton. lots. 26 degrees now. more snow expected in the next day.

tonight i was more prepared when i got home, cuz i knew ketzl would want to go for a real walk. this time i wore my heavy coat and it was good ... temp was about 44 degrees at 8:30 pm. then as i was on the phone with my sister, and we were pretty far down the street toward mabury rd, it started to rain. we RAN home. because he is deaf, ketzl doesn't mind the hairdryer which was the most efficient way to get him dry. and fluffy.

eclectic is the adjective jackie used for my dinner: steamed red chard, with lemon and butter, peanut butter on toast, and now half a persimmon. yum. balanced. vitamins. protein. yum. chard always reminds me of the dinner linda and i shared and chard appeared on the bill. we said no one had chard. sent the bill back for recalculating. came back again. chard. what? turns out it was the chard-onnay i had to drink. ha ha.

tonight was the last night of group before the break. holiday time is varying forms of difficult for different people. we got a list of phone numbers. i think most people will return in january.

new things today: i will now have 3 written vehicles. this blog. "letters to linda." and i think i will add a personal journal. for some interior discussions, homework from group. also i have decided to break things down into really really small manageable chunks so piles etc. are not so overwhelming. off to do the left side of the kitchen counter.

bed heater is on. ketzl will come along i'm sure. good cat.

ur-mazing, i didn't get kicked off!

2008-12-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

writing from Santa Monica on an old iMac with dialup modem. yeah, those things still exist.

and as i promised myself and Adam and Adam made me promise to Daniel etc etc
i went to the OCEAN THIS MORNING!!!! fabulous. wonderful smell. wonderful ozone. wonderful sounds. there was a slight drizzle but i had a hood. then later after the rain stopped, it got SO INCREDIBLY WINDY...phew. cold but more windy. so many palm fronds fell from the trees. all over sidewalks and streets. gonna need a major cleanup on monday, that's for sure.

today was a day like many other days. the year is slipping away.
breakfast, walk, nap, lunch, rest, TV, paper. Bea the yoga teacher came and when one of us is down (elinor or me) we take a class alongside. felt really nice. she is very sweet and really likes jack.

tissue alert maybe...
today is in fact december 13. 8 months have passed. that is two-thirds of a year. and i realize that there are days that pass when i don't cry. today is not one of them, however. how can it be, two-thirds of a year already? so much is still so recent. and so far away. that scares me too. not sure if i recorded here that i found linda's voice on the outgoing message on her cell phone which is now mine. that was really eerie but reassuring. note to everyone: make tapes. made videos. record sounds and sights like we didn't do. silly us. big mistake. get the history down in ways that others can read/hear/see it later. technology is available. use it. at the airport in sj i saw the acer microcomputer. that's probably what linda would have wanted to end up with. add that to the list of things i'm sorry i didn't push for between october and april.

according to the counter at the blog log-in, this is the 200th post. milestone. feels like i should celebrate or something but i'm not feeling very celebratory at the moment. linda f. made it through one year. she's always one step ahead of me. and now instead of linda, linda and deb, it will be linda, deb and deb going out to see Kinsey Sicks later this month. we all need some ridiculous hilarity, not to mention fabulous a cappella, in our lives.

good connections get reinforced. people do get better when they are ill or injured. friends stay by your side when you need them. that's the up-side. so for today, i will try to emphasize the positive and hope for clear skies tomorrow.

off to LA again

2008-12-11T22:35:00.000-08:00

and this time I WILL GET TO THE OCEAN! elinor has not yet returned to enough health to be able to travel. and i already had my tickets.

i really miss red grapefruit. not supposed to have them while on my statin cholesterol drug. i think it only interferes. so i'm gonna have to get a grapefruit. juicy and yummy i hope.

tonight is garbage night and it is cold (yes i know, by california standards) out. fortunately there is not much to take out (as usual). i need to stop buying at the farmers markets. i don't eat enough to warrant keeping veggies in the house.

it was not too cold when i first got home so i took ketzl for a nice long walk. he really likes it out there.

tonight was the first smell of potato latkes being cooked in the temple kitchen for the sisterhood meeting. i could swear the scent lingered on my clothes and i smelled them when i got into my car. wow. sunday when i get home there is an early latke party at Fran's. first night of chanukah is Dec 21.

omg i'm watching private practice which is set in southern california. and there was just a scene with two doctors sitting on a bench on the promenade which is the park across the street (somewhere) from my father's condo on Ocean Avenue!! wow. like the last few seconds in "Knocked Up," which Linda saw immediately. then it was actually his building too.

ok off to finish packing and garbage and then to bed. i am trusting that the computer in LA won't let me post again. more on Sunday night.

doubles and halves

2008-12-10T21:31:00.000-08:00

i guess i could double the time i leave sheets on the bed if i slept first on one side, and then on the other. didn't happen this time. but i did change the sheets tonight. i know i use less than half the food, water, gas, electricity than when linda was alive. some things are doubled: we are on the same mailing lists and i need to get it reduced to one.

this afternoon i had lunch with Rabbi Leslie Alexander at the JCC. then i grabbed a short head, neck and shoulder massage in the lobby. that was really nice. several people said i looked more relaxed afterwards. remember to drink lots of water to flush the toxins out.

tonight i ate with the high school students (thanks, Paula and Suellen, for letting me eat with you). i realize that's why i don't eat real meals except when i go out with other people. it's just easier to grab something. that's why i got some protein powder for either morning or evening snacks. keep the protein up.

ketzl is still enjoying being outside. i'm not up to walking tonight cuz it is too brisk for me and i'm trying to protect my throat. so far i've done OK in fending off illness courtesy of echinacea and zinc and vitamin c. basic stuff.

still bogging down in papers. sometimes it is very discouraging. most times in fact.

for gift giving this year, i've decided to make donations to several important (to me) charities, which are really hurting this year. like the local food bank. FINCA (microfinance in africa and other places). Hospice of the Valley. then tell people what i've done and they can "choose" which was theirs. gas is $1.69 on the street. amazing. things are melting down all around us.

hopefully elinor and jeremy are better. last time we spoke they were not back to full strength, either of them.

flipping thru tv channels, i found "Jews: story of survival" and remember that "Lights!" a musical hanukkah show is on next. nice way to end an evening (and half a persimmon).