how do i choose what to give away?

some things are going to NY for Trish. a variety of turtlenecks and sweaters.
my sister's union is having a clothing exchange. we had talked about my giving some of Linda's clothing, and when linda f and i were on the phone tonight, i started selecting some things. keeping some that are still too evocative ... the lavender shirt linda wore on her first visit (and its subterfuge) to California, august 1999. the wonderful series of overshirts, some that came with her from ohio, some we bought here. sweaters from italy. banded collar shirts. the tight wrangler jeans. pants that belonged to her father. stacked heels from the 70's i bet. converse one star black sneakers. white adidas.

i need a bit more room in the closet. so i will be getting rid of some of my stuff as well. i think the rule is, if you haven't worn something in a year, it's time to get rid of it.

so i will let go things that have no meaning. and i will keep floral hawaiian shirts also....things that still evoke Linda to me.

and it's ok. there's no rush. and it's OK to start.

free ticket to Tina Turner!! i got one!

wow. i had to sacrifice. while really anticipating going to erev simchat torah services tonight (and seeing a whole torah unrolled in the sanctuary), when presented with a free ticket to see Tina at the HP Pavilion.....wow...unfortunately no contest. i partially rationalized that i will be going to services this morning, and i had helped with the dinner tonight. so i felt better. (it is unfortunate that i got the ticket because the original owner actually just came home from the hospital. the thought of a ticket being unused was also a strong incentive.)

nath had actually come to services. we had not touched base and so she was surprised that i wasn't there but she called Jackie and found out that i was seeing Tina....so i found two messages from her at home.

exciting show. lots of technical wizardry. pyrotechnics. hydraulics at the end where Tina walks out onto an apparatus that levers up and swings out over the audience...like a cherry picker. video montages (my favorite was the one with Mick Jagger while singing Jumping Jack Flash). costume changes. amazing quartet of backup dancers...they do the kind of dancing that Tina used to do but she is now 68 years young. they were incredible. she still has great legs and does some good signature strutting. great duo of back-up singers. musicians were loud (many of them look as though they've been with Tina for a long time...aging white guys on guitars, keyboard and drums and backup vocals). they all seem to have a lot of fun. it's labeled the 50th anniversary tour. wow.

backstory: when i was in Madison WI (in 1968, i think, and linda was actually there at the time) visiting friends, there was a topless dance contest at a local bar, and i danced to Proud Mary. which of course was the main closing number (before the encores) and had everyone out of their seats.

so thank you to my anonymous benefactor. it was a great evening.

more on songs later.

weekend update, no not SNL

back in the condo on ocean avenue on saturday evening. things are pretty quiet tonight. after i ate dinner, we watched some CNN on Palin and Biden. interesting.
after Jack went to bed, Anita (the week day caregiver and every other weekend) came in and i showed her the Europe photos. that was fun.

i gave up trying to do anything on the iMac. way too slow. i'm troubled because i tried to forward the information on the matching grant for opposing Prop 8, which closes at midnight Sunday. for some reason it didn't send from home before i left. grrrrr.

went to the farmers market saturday with christine. 2nd to last weekend. picked up honey sticks for monday night...so that the young children starting their jewish studies will always find them sweet.... (used to put a drop of honey on the torah itself, or so i've heard...). then to costco. rescuing christine who is carless as her sister drives all over until tuesday. home to pack. ketzl out in a box.

scampered to one of many wedding celebrations happening in recent months and weeks, before November 4, this time a lesbian couple. how far we've traveled was told by one woman's daughter: "when i was in kindergarten, my mother told me not to tell anyone she was a lesbian. this year, i wrote a note to my son's kindergarten teacher saying he would not be in class because his grandmothers were getting married on friday." pretty impressive change in 30 years. and i gave away the rest of my "No on Prop 8" lawn signs. good move!

michal and maybe ron and the two kids will be coming for a brief visit tomorrow morning. that will be good. i think having them come over will be a good thing. sometimes weekends are slow because not a lot happens. especially now that walking around the block is considered strenuous activity.

i brought down stuff from the farmers market: carrots, fuyu persimmons (the crunchy ones), plums and apples. so delicious. it will be sad not to have that market any more.

taking advantage of free weekend minutes to talk with Trish (recovering slowly), Mimi and Shelley. IM with Barb before the stoopid system crashed.
and now it's time to sleep, without cat wake up call. side benefit of these trips. not to disparage ketzl, but i really do like to sleep uninterrupted when i can.


and on to Sunday....
today was nice. cousin Michal and her older daughter Anina came for a short visit. Luli had a sniffly nose and stayed home. at the end, we all walked down to the car and then halfway around the block. a good outing. after lunch my father and i went down to the pool area and i read two interesting articles from New Republic. one on how the myth of "small town America" hasn't been true for many years. another on Palin. i brought home the older issue to share with friends. there was a great picture, a take-off on northwest indian totem art, but with Palin hair and glasses. very striking. lots of information in both issues on how she rose up (as it were) through local Alaska politics, and who she dumped along the way, and how she really is limited in vision and understanding. because the tv is in my father's bedroom, i didn't get to see Palin on SNL, but there was a clip on a CNN show during the day.

we got to talk to my aunt Shoshana in Florida, the wife of my last remaining uncle on my father's side. every one is old and feeble in one way or another.

there was a large race this morning on Ocean Avenue. the west lane is coned off and people run for i'm not sure how far. people running with strollers, some with the tell-tale iPod white strings. after the race, a (homeless) man stretched out in a triangle of grass, with his large shopping basket of possessions. dogs were happily out on walks, some barking. a small flock of pigeons swarmed between trees and took turns alighting on the vertical bars of the street lights. there was a bit of pollution in the air, which meant that sunset had a nice golden orangey-pink hue. not so good for breathing but nice to see.

home late...the long term parking is a shlep to get to and then home and of course Ketzl wanted to go out.

now it's monday morning and i need to scamper to leave the house.

ok it's been a while and there's lots to say

i'll try to get it done quickly because someone told me tonight that i often am posting really late.

sunday was a wonderful half day meditation retreat with two really really sweet teachers from Santa Clara University. it continued today and 3 more weds. evenings. it is so much fun and i think maybe there is a relationship between the classes and my energy level and accomplishment around the house.

sunday night i forget i had theatre tickets. that involved several phone calls to readjust and make sure that jackie could come along to the new dates as well.

monday was erev sukkot, the festival of booths. i picked up the lulav and etrog from Alef Bet Judaica where Nurit is the proprietor (i am 3 days older than she is!). the lulav is the collection of the palm (for spine), myrtle (for eyes) and laurel (lips) plus the etrog (a citron) are used for some blessings ins the sukkah, an open structure which reminds us that the Israelites wandered in the desert living in temporary housing.

tuesday was a work holiday (the joys of working for a synagogue) but i went to the sukkot morning service. it was a small but dedicated group (i got 10 extra points for calling that the John and Yvonne would attend). service was fun and a bit silly and we all went for breakfast, to Bill's, one of Linda's favorites.

in the afternoon i got a lot done around the house in terms of laundry, sheets, getting to the post office, faxing final estimates to the insurance company to complete the homeowner's claim...it felt very good.

today was first staff meeting in a long time. overall it went well. got a lot done overall but it felt busy because we are down one staff person the rest of this week. then the meditation class where we did some sitting, some eating of chocolate, some reading of Thich Nhat Hanh, and then we rummaged in the kitchen because the teachers really hadn't had dinner. the orange salad with candied walnuts and pomegranate seeds was totally fabulous!!

home late and ketzl is now outside for a bit.
the weather is amazing...cold in the morning but it's been warming up so nicely.

tonight is also the Presidential debate. it is difficult for me to watch. i'm listening to the rerun on PBS in the background. one candidate is so distorting things. guess who?

some interesting insights from the readings and discussion at class tonight:
when one works hard to confront a negativity or sadness, it has more power. we give it more power. if one says, as one teacher explained we could have a conversation: good morning, my little sadness. you are my friend. we will have a cup of tea and spend the day together.....when you do that, it leaves more room to appreciate the good things that are not the sadness or the pain. we are all grieving something...one of the teachers had debilitating repetitive stress like having barbed wire covering her arms. when she appreciated the small steps in which she could start doing new things, she was not so focused on the ongoing limitations. it's about the balance and perspective on what is going on. pain/loss/suffering is all part of life. it is not their existence but how we react to them...and when we do with mindfulness and awareness and breath, it changes their grip on us and allows us to heal where we are able.

i'm looking forward to the coming week, to next week's class and to sharing "Mindful Grieving" with them.

tomorrow is the havurah gathering in the sukkah at Shir Hadash. i hope it's fun. this weekend is "No on 8" in a lot of places. 3 weeks from yesterday is election day. and we continue to watch the markets going rather wacky. we live in interesting times, that's for sure.

tissue alert

at this very moment, friends and family of Judith Steinbaum Wachs, my wonderful cousin, are gathering in Massachusetts for her funeral. silly me, i went back to Linda's blog to see what the last few weeks were like. pretty similar to what Gilda was posting on Judy's blog. surrounded by family and friends, hospice, at home. so now there is no more Big PeeWee, only me as Little PeeWee (names Judy and I had for each other since we were much younger, reintroduced as we started corresponding by email). her loss is great, not only to her family but also to the musical community where she was a scholar of early Jewish music and the Ladino musical tradition. she would combine trips to visit family in Israel with research forays and recording sessions with Ladino speakers. she was the director of Voice of the Turtle, and i have almost all of their recordings. someone said that one who dies between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the soul goes straight to heaven.

also from Linda's blog April 13 (yes 6 months ago tomorrow), a portion of what Kaaren read...(i may have already posted it here but it bears repeating)

We who suffer the loss of a loved one
still give thanks that we were privileged to have known her.
That for a time, she graced our lives and enriched our spirits.
Let us not grieve the loss but give thanks for the gift.

The weather is turning. I brought out my purple winter jacket, and in one pocket were the museum ticket stubs from March 19th, when Linda and Audrey and I went to SF to see Dr. Tempero, followed by the museum (Annie Liebowitz photographic exhibit) and a delicious Chinese dinner at Ton Kiang (right near the museum, so we always planned it that way) before rushing home to meet the hospice intake worker.

a lifetime ago and yet as if it were last week.
so many mileposts along the way in the last 6 months.

there is a bit of warmth on the sun. ketzl is in the back, dozing in a cardboard box. he is such a wonderful beast, with a big purr to match his size. i know hs companionship meant so much to Linda, she who had never before been a cat person.

jeremy came for breakfast yesterday (french toast with leftover challah) and we talked about cell phone transition and a lot of other things. i have a lot to do today before leaving for the meditation retreat this afternoon at temple.

Another week has flown by....well, sorta flown

It's the busy time of year at a synagogue. Since last Sunday, we have had Kol Nidre (which is the night before Yom Kippur, actually the start of the observance) and Yom Kippur itself (on Weds/Thurs).

Nath and Jackie were there again on Yom Kippur day for the memorial and concluding service. Thank you both again for your support. It was a pretty difficult afternoon. It was not easy for Rabbi either. He reads a list of names of those members, relatives, friends who have died since the last Rosh Hashanah. Linda's name was on the list. It will be the only time her name is read in that way. I thought Rabbi did a great job, with a difficult list. It seemed that he went right along but in talking afterward, he said saying Linda's name hit him a few names down the road. It was quite a list. Including the man who sliced the challah after Friday night services for 20 years. and Linda. So I was worried how I would handle it, and it was hard, but it is over and we made it through. It was the first service that I actually sat down for. Working for a synagogue, I don't get a chance to actually experience the services very much. We need to figure out how to change that a bit for next year.

I talked to Audrey. She went to the cemetery on Yom Kippur Day. Also hard.

When I came home on Thursday, there was an email from my cousin Mike, telling me that his sister Judy had died that morning, almost one year after diagnosis with inoperable pancreatic cancer. Very sad. She had promised her 9 grandsons that they would spend time in Vermont (where she had a house) in the summer. And they did.

Tomorrow is a Zen meditation retreat in the afternoon, part of Adult Ed at the temple. I'm looking forward to it and the 4 followup weekly sessions. I think I can really use the relaxation and renewal.

Sunday, Sunday ...

from a friend, who took this from a High Holy Day prayerbook used at a nursing home (pointing out that even those who do not believe in God can relate to the rest):

We find holiness in our struggle to be the best we know how to be.
We find holiness in our acts of kindness where there is no thought of reward.
We find holiness in the sharing and caring of our daily lives.
We find holiness in the joys of friendship and love.
We find holiness in the joyous spontaneity of children at play.
We find holiness when we unleash the child within ourselves.
We find holiness in the shared gifts of our laughter and personal triumphs.
We find holiness when we comfort a friend at a time of loss or in a sense of defeat.
We find holiness in the recognition and acceptance of our own brokenness.
We find holiness when we strive to fashion the strength to meet life with good cheer.
We find holiness in our precious memories and quiet reflections tempered through the years.
We find holiness when we work to grow toward tomorrow.
And we find holiness when we gather together to pray to God who, in holiness, gives us the power of prayer and deed.

Thanks, Ruth, for sharing at this time.

So today was the Kever Avot service. I arrived just a tad late and there were Nath and Jackie sitting together. They live not too far from each other and turns out they were driving one behind the other (unplanned) to the service. After the official words, many of us went down to Home of Peace, a wholly owned piece of Jewish land that is the oldest Jewish cemetery in San Jose. Meeka and Dana did a small prayer and song on behalf of Linda, with the five of us (me, Jackie, Nath, Meeka and Dana) standing by the grave of our dear friend Lynn Glass and her husband Harry. that was pretty special.

a week from Monday is 6 months since Linda died. Dana asked if it feels short or long or both and i said yes. which is true. both terribly recent and far away. it's been so busy lately that i haven't had a lot of time to miss Linda directly, or even time to cry. well today at the cemetery fixed that. always bring tissues.

things are funky with the computer today, so i will copy the content of this post in case. i remember the times when Linda would spend hours on a blog entry, only to have it go poofy when she tried to save. and hey, it worked the first time!! woo hoo!!

it's definitely getting colder, and darker earlier. we had some rain over the weekend (first in 202 days if you can believe that) including one downpour when Ketzl was outside. he got a bit wet but toweling was fine. he doesn't mind the hairdryer when i need to use it. the air is so nice and clear after a rain. also went to the farmers market. it really is the end of the summer. many of the vendors said this was the last weekend for white peaches, nectarines and plums. so i got a bunch to last the next few weeks. we are so spoiled. i went out and did the best i could to strip the last of the tomatoes and there are still some apples on the tree. (thx Daphne).

the ohio state buckeyes beat the wisconsin badgers yesterday. it's a divided family. adam is a buckeye and i'm a badger now (with the shirt to prove it...oh that's why they lost -- i didn't wear the shirt yesterday!)....adam wrote to say that he thought of last year when Linda and I went up to San Francisco to a bar where they were grilling bratwurst and drinking lots of beer and all the badger fans were age 22-27 and doing the "jump around" which they do in the stadium as well. what incredible engineering to hold 60,000 people jumping up and down! i hope i can get to a badger game some time this season. big ten football is incredible!

not sure how to get ready for this week. when Dana reads the list of people who have died this year and Linda's name will be on it. one more thing to be done, some for the first time, some for the only time. next year her name will not be on the list.

i still cannot hear Linda's voice. which is both strange and frustrating to me. i need to check with others to see if this is unusual or not. also, i think i need to get more pictures around. Shelley suggested getting a copy of one of the photographs from Linda's first visit, in a trademark banded collar white shirt, sitting on a chair in the kitchen. one of my favorites. so adorable.

this is an important time as i prepare to enter the new year with a clean slate. time to forgive and ask forgiveness. time to reflect and to appreciate the almost 9 years Linda and i had together, to be grateful that we found each other, and to remember the good times and the love we shared.

thank you Nath and Jackie for today. i know some of it is for yourselves as well as for me, but/and i appreciate your company. always. and i know many of you not physically in our company are totally with us in spirit and will be on Thursday as well.

may the coming year be one of sweetness, joy and growth for all of us.
Shanah Tovah!