A true friend ...

is someone who will brave early morning traffic to arrive at 8:00 AM to help strip the nectarine tree. That would be Jackie. (it's ok for you to blush now, kiddo)

it was a job that i could not have done alone, and Jackie's height and determination really helped. we really did work for an hour and a half, picking more nectarines than you could possibly imagine. and then some. for breakfast, we each ate two that the birds had already sampled (we figured they knew which ones were ripe). so with the ladder, the fruit picking basket, lots of paper bags that Jackie brought... it is now done. you who live elsewhere: i'm so sorry that we cannot share these wonderful fragrant fruits, Linda's favorite, from the tree that she picked them from almost 9 years ago on her first visit to California. just imagine the best nectarine you've ever tasted. yep...that's it! now i have to peel and cut more to freeze and give more away.

tissue alert...

yesterday at my appointment with Laura, my bereavement counselor at Hospice of the Valley (the wonderful band of fluttering angels), she asked (for the first time) if i wanted to light a candle. and then at the end of the session, Laura remarked that just as the flame is extinguished, the smoke, the scent of the candle lingers on, just as memories of Linda continue in our lives. i was totally unaware that the candle was there every week. now i can choose to light it if i wish. oh, and i had brought with me two photos from Linda's FIRST visit to california. there is one (stay tuned, I will learn to scan it and post it here) sitting in the kitchen, white banded collar shirt, leaning forward....she is SOOOOOO adorable in that picture. everyone agrees! that's the one i happened to have with me on Tuesday. so now i will look for a different photo each time i go, and light the candle with memories of the time when the picture was taken. good idea. small ritual.

of course in Judaism, there is the tradition of lighting a candle when someone dies...the seven day candle after the funeral, and then every year on the anniversary of the death. as difficult as things can be, one week at a time, even when i don't go to services and say the kaddish prayer, i cannot imagine what it will feel like next April. oh dear. Linda's family observes the date in the Jewish calendar. i'm not sure which i will do, Jewish or Gregorian. i don't have to decide yet. or maybe i'll do both. and i will light the candle (perhaps the electric, out of concern for Ketzl). you can't see it, but the tears are just rolling down my cheeks.

i will be ok. i always am. but still almost every day i cry. it is good. it is important to release the sadness, to let go of the tears.

today i had a cup of tea (well, green tea frap, thanks for the recommendation, Jeff) with a woman whose son died a year and a half ago. i sent her the names of the books i recommend and a copy of my dvar torah from last week. we talked about stuff and things. i remind myself (by saying to her) that the grief is a container when there is no place to put the love. and it is important to go through it. cuz you can't go around it.

today i wore my Carrie Fisher t-shirt: black with the words
"Instant gratification takes too long"

one foot in front of the other. that's what a journey is.

in the Torah, this week marks the beginning of the book of Deuteronomy. the Hebrew name of the book is Devarim, which means words. here's a small section of the commentary on this week's portion from the Union for Reform Judaism site (http://urj.org/torah/index.cfm?):

"The Book of Deuteronomy presents Moses’s retelling of the Israelites’ journeys, all having led up to their current position: poised on the border of the Promised Land, about to enter an uncertain communal future together. Those who closely study these texts learn that occasionally the details of the stories seem to change from the events recorded earlier in the Torah and Moses’s recounting of them in Deuteronomy. Far from presenting theological difficulties for us, however, these variations reveal the marvelous fractal properties of Deuteronomy: it is essentially a story about a story about a story. And as we add our own stories, the narratives continue to curl in upon each other, coiling like a nautilus."

it's part of what i love about being a Reform Jew...we do add our stories. Torah is a living, changing set of stories. our experience of Torah is informed by our lives as our lives are informed by our understanding and interpretation of Torah.

the nectarines are calling.
there are a lot of new movies coming out
and there is still the 2nd viewing of Mamma Mia yet to do.

Amazing news from Saturday

well it needs to start with Friday. always a bit of a busy day at a synagogue. new exec director starting on Monday. some excitement. i had hoped to go home for a bit to let Ketzl out but that just didn't happen (surprise, not). also needed to do the outside board, something i swear i should never leave for a Friday. and i think every time of how Linda used to help me and really put the letters up straight before she moved to California... so i stayed through to services, since i was participating in the women's summer shabbat by giving the D'var Torah, which is kinda like the sermon portion. i did some explanation and some interpretation, and did just fine as long as i was speaking the words of others (cut and paste works really well). then i had two sentences at the end, and i just lost it. fortunately i was able to regain my composure to read the last sentences. i did it. then dinner with Mim Bloom who is a real character. yummy thai food. yummy.

today Jackie and i went to morning services (to get our Meeka fix) using the new Reform prayerbook, Mishkan Tefillah. i had used it at "camp" in Wisconsin in June and really liked it. this was the first time Meeka was leading since the books arrived, and she was very excited and happy and singing her heart out. it was great.

next on the agenda was lunch with Linda F in Mt. View (mostly half way for both of us). we traded...i brought nectarines (gotta give them away quickly) and she brought a loaf of rosemary bread. which unfortunately i left under my chair and had planned to retrieve tonite but....

daniel called and we did sushi and frozen yogurt for dinner. then i had a copy of "Good Grief" and a lovely photo card for Carrie Fisher that i was going to drop off at the theater and head up to Mt. View. but the house manager and her personal assistant were so touched that i was actually able to stay to see the show tonight, closing night. wow. that was pretty special. i did stay around after people left but was told that she was leaving pretty quickly and was not seeing anyone but expressed appreciation for the card and book. also, i had to get the t=shirt, "instant gratification takes too long!" i also got a few more of the programs.

so i will call the restaurant, ask them to put the bread in the freezer and i'll go up on Monday.

time to pack the nectarines for their trip to Los Angeles, and a few other things. fortunately i looked up my confirmation and found out that the flight is ONE HOUR EARLiER than i had thought. OMG. that changes the morning plan.

thursday, thursday

so today i picked up a bunch of nectarines that had fallen. at first i thought there weren't many but as they ripened it is clear that Daphne has done it again...there are huge numbers, still with the weird scaly white stuff but peeled, these are fabulous. at the risk of being repititious, nectarines were Linda's favorite. i so clearly remember August 19, 1999 on Linda's second day in California, she picked one from the tree and called her mother to tell her "Mom, I can't believe this -- I'm eating a nectarine that I just picked off the tree!" it was the first of many, for 8 years. so this is the first summer that Linda is not sharing in the harvest. i have to eat (and share) a lot to keep up.

tonight as i was taking out the garbage, the sun was setting and the east foothills wore that wonderful golden glow. that's one of the reasons why i love living near the hills. remember, Lisa, how nice it is? oh, i forget: you have quite a view out your back deck...it's just further away....

today on the drive home, i thought i could get through an entire CD of Tret Fure songs without tears...but i was wrong. almost though. and i am hearing new things in the words, enjoying the power of the music, hearing fingers slide on the strings...and i can smile. "you are there, when i least and most expect it, you are always there..." wish you could hear the music. probably there are sound clips on her website, www.tretfure.com give a listen. she's amazing.

i'm so glad i put out the word about the Diane Sawyer show on Randy Pausch on Tuesday night. many were not aware of it. there's still time to watch it, i hope, at abc.com

i have faith that eventually i will be able to put in links and even photos here. something else i could have learned from Linda.

but in the meantime, i will do my best on the nectarines. summer is a good time.