A variety of things...

Happy Birthday, Audrey Blauner. My favorite sister-in-law. Have a safe trip to Florida. Dubious distinction of first family "event" without Linda. :~(

Tomato progress report:
Bed half dug tonight, with Ketzl tethered under the apple tree so he could keep an eye on me. Tomorrow's assignment: buy soil amendments and get them in. If there's time, plant.

One person makes a difference.
Being one person makes a difference.
Less garbage (back to one bag per week).
Fewer dishes (especially when eating dinners out a lot).
Less hot water (wow, the PG&E bill was big, heating water for 7 people).
Not sure if it will make sense to keep the Costco Executive membership. Fewer purchases there.

Today looking in my desk drawer at work I found a few old valentine's cards...when Linda worked at Temple, she bought a whole pack of kid's cards and left them around. Of course I saved them. When I told Audrey about it, she said her father started that tradition. And the singing birthday songs. David said he and Julia left a singing message for Audrey today. Nice touch.

Jeremy got up late today (lack of backup alarms) and we are both pretty tired. Hopefully Ketzl will let me sleep in. Not sure if I'll be up at 6:45 when he leaves in the morning. Christine promised to be over again to walk (we are extending the time each day). Tomorrow my goal is to make it to the office by 10 AM for staff meeting. A first since I'm back to work. I have been pretty slow in the mornings...one thing and another. Not pushing, just trying. Plans set for going to LA this weekend. That will be good. It's been a while.

Ketzl is looking around...maybe he thinks it's time for bed. And maybe he's right.

So what's up with the tomatoes?

I've written a lot about the tomatoes recently, and it got me thinking. What are tomatoes a metaphor for? (wow, that's an awkward sentence...let's try again...) What's up with the tomatoes?

I'm thinking that tomatoes are about process, work and order. There are a lot of steps involved before one actually gets to pluck the first sun-warmed fruit and eat it right there in the garden. (I have a great photo of Daniel, probably 16 months old, with a tomato in his hand, juice dripping from his mouth and down his arm.) Waiting isn't easy, but then, one day, there it is, the first ripe fruit. (That's why to plant cherry tomatoes... smaller and ripen more quickly. I hope.)

So the process includes
(1) Deciding to plant this year (not always a given)
(2) Selecting the varieties (based on previous experience and recommendations)
(3) Finding/purchasing the plants (organic, if possible)
(4) Preparing the garden plot (pulling out the old stuff, turning the soil...should have been done months ago)
(5) Adding soil amendments (chicken poop compost is good...lighten the soil)
(6) Planting the seedlings, in the afternoon or early evening (so they don't dry out in the sun)
(7) Watering them thoroughly (and press out the air from around the roots)
(8) Staking the plants and caging them soon after
(9) Watering them again...not too often (you want the soil on top to dry out a bit and force the roots to go deeper in search of water)
(10) Pinching off some of the side shoots so that more energy goes into fruiting than leafing
(11) Hoping tomato hook worms don't ever come back (large, nasty critters)
(12) More watering and trimming and fertilizing
(13) The day arrives when the first tomato is ready to eat...so eating!!

There is logic, purpose, and effort involved. Some things can be a little less cautiously accomplished, but the order cannot be re-arranged. You can't water before they are planted, you can't buy them if you haven't yet decided to grow tomatoes this year.

Organization is something I could learn from Linda. She would often get so focused on a task that she would completely lose track of time. A drive to completion second to none! Now I need to see how much I've really taken in. It's pretty easy to apply it to tomatoes.

Another lesson from Linda: When traveling, don't keep all your cash in one place in your purse/backpack or carry-on.

Measuring in days and weeks

Yesterday, Saturday, was the last day of Passover (for Reform Jews). There was a Shabbat morning service combined with a special service for Passover, and Yizkor (remembering). It was the first time I heard Linda's name read at my synagogue. It was important that I be there, and it was also not so easy. Bringing tissues and a friend really helped. Got more hugs (always welcome), especially from two dear congregants, one of whom had lost her husband six years ago, and the other just a few months ago. "Time does not heal," said the first. I remember what someone else said: "It doesn't get better; it just gets different."

It is now two weeks since Linda left this earthly plane. Much of the time, things are OK, I'm OK. And then I realize that, in large part, the blur continues. The surreality of this entire situation (for want of a better term) has not left. So much the same, so much fundamentally different. I know I'm repeating myself. Linda's big black purse sits on a chair by the dining room table. One of her overshirts is on the back of the chair, with a purple PANCAN pin on the collar. I'm not ready to move them yet. There is a comfort in that sameness, having things in the places where they ought to be. Keys in one pocket of the purse, cell phone in another.

To every thing, there is a season. This is the season for planting for summer harvest. Today at the farmers market and OSH, I got most of the tomato plants I wanted. The fritillary butterflies are enjoying the flowers on the fence between our house and Carl and Hannah's. Linda is the one who researched and found out what they were. The stargazer lilies in the bouquet that Hannah brought have opened to an incredible 9" span, and their scent fills the kitchen.

Today also included attending an Eagle Scout ceremony (impressive) and dinner with Jeff and Razmik, Charlie and Christine, Jeremy and Daniel (delicious).

Next weekend, I will go down to Santa Monica for a long overdue visit with my father. That's another area where Elinor took on more than her share over the last few months, for which I am very grateful. I think I will get to take him to a breakfast meeting of Ameinu, formerly known as the Labor Zionist Alliance. It's nice for him to get out and socialize with old friends, and I will be happy to be part of it.

I'm finally getting around to reading some of the materials left for me by the Hospice workers and Rabbi Alexander. Some of them are no longer relevant. One section in a small pamphlet titled "Taking the Time You Need to Mourn Your Loss" stood out: Trust that there will be valuable lessons in grief. It is hard to imagine that something as unbearable as grief can be valuable. But the lessons involved in coming to terms with loss provide essential instruction in making sense of being human.

In Linda's woven checkbook wallet, in the proper pocket inside the purse, is a card that is visible from behind a plastic window. Two small bears sit in a crescent moon in the lower left corner. There is a leafy border. So many times I had seen the card, noticed the border, and it wasn't until yesterday that I really read the words:
"In the daytime we can't see the stars, yet they exist. In the nighttime we can't see the sun, yet it exists. When we're apart, you can't see my love, yet it is there always."

The end of a week

Friday at a synagogue, Linda always used to say, is a busy day. So don't expect me to come home early. In addition to the regular items, there was the May bulletin to label, bundle by zip code, and take to the post office. Since the main post office is on my side of town, it's something I've usually done. By the time I was done and got home, it was past 7 PM. I was happy to heat a portion of the casserole that our next-door neighbor Toni brought over before they drove to LA. Yum.

So today (noon) was an improvement over yesterday, when I got in to the office closer to 2 PM. It feels definitely OK to be there. The folks are happy to see me. I get lots of extra hugs, which is always nice.

Last night: OMG my first trip to visit Jeremy at Google and dinner. OMG OMG OMG
Slammin (salmon), teriyaki flank steak, couscous pilaf, arugula salad with pine nuts, almonds and small vegan chocolate chips. Their own home-made kombucha!! crispy cauliflower with minted yogurt sauce. and more salads to make yourself. and more food. Desserts OMG a small freezer with individual scoops of chocolate and persimmon cardamom sorbet, and cake batter ice cream (a bit weird); bread and butter pudding with whipped cream; individual banana cream pie tartlets. I know, it wasn't kosher for Passover. Oh well. THEN Jeremy took me to the other building where there is a food court with 6 different specialties. And the tea and coffee areas everywhere. Juice refrigerators with individual pint bottles; healthy sodas, etc etc etc.

All around are pictures from Burning Man, signs describing how the heating/cooling is green and efficient; how the air quality is maintained. The laundry, postal drop off, and more and more and more. Way too much fun. A good visit. A delicious dinner.

I've been collecting some slightly mushy. perhaps some would say soft-headed quotes that may be worth sharing. If it's not your cup of tea, feel free to skip.

"Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is a way of succeeding."
"With each memory let our hearts be reminded that nothing can ever take away the beauty we have known. For love remains a part of us forever."
"When the way comes to an end, then change -- having changed, you pass through." I Ching

There are more, written on the backs of envelopes, on small pieces of paper that are not easily findable right now. I'll post them as they surface.

Every day small steps. Today included dealing with a credit card company. They were extremely nice and gentle once they understood the situation. Most of the time, I'm OK, and then when I have to say that Linda died on April 13, I start to cry. And that's OK too.

There's the PANCAN walk in the vineyards on June 14, starting at 8 AM on a Saturday. That's pretty ridiculous, unless they have a connection to the local B&Bs to promote business on Friday night. I really don't want to drive 2 hrs on Saturday morning.

I think Ketzl has discovered that I turned the bed heater on, and is settling down for the night. I plan to set the alarm for tomorrow morning. Shabbat services with the Passover Memorial service start at 9 AM, and I would not want to be late. Maybe Ketzl will let me sleep in on Sunday morning.

Turns out there was more cottage cheese in the little outside refrigerator. It's about empty now and almost ready to be unplugged. But I still need eggs to make the matzo meal pancakes. Even if it is after Passover is done. I have to try to make them, and hope they will turn out OK.

it's ok to skip a day...

Well, I skipped yesterday. Somehow it just happened. And it's OK. I give myself permission to skip a day or more, as the mood strikes, or if I just forget. Or do more than one post on a day. Whatever.

Some items of note:
* I figured out how to attached a signature to my outgoing yahoo emails, so I can reference this blog for friends with whom I correspond who may not know I've started my own.
* So far, this is the first Passover without Linda's matzo meal pancakes (which really came from her grandmother, Mina Fleischman Osborn, known as Nana). There is still time (Passover has a few more days to go), but I need to buy more cottage cheese. (They should be served with cottage cheese, bananas, strawberries and blueberries.) And more eggs. Passover is an egg-intensive time. Note that I said "so far," which is kind of like "not yet," as in they both leave room for it to happen. Stay tuned.
* I spent Tuesday night by myself and it was fine.
* I seem to be acquiring new dear friends, from Linda's pre-San Jose lives -- White Plains, Wisconsin, Ohio. It is wonderful...more than just two more sons.
* This blog inspired someone else to start one. Wow.

Today's language lesson:
Futz. (v) to tinker with, to improve on, to fix.
Using the word in a sentence: Yesterday, I futzed with the Shiva candle.
(n) futzer: someone who futzes. In a sentence: Linda was a master futzer.

There was something wrong with the candle which burns for 7 days (the one we lit in White Plains was fine; this one was leaving a lot of wax on the sides, and the flame was drowning). So yesterday I took a regular kitchen knife (often a good futzing tool) and managed to pry away the extra wax, almost a cupful. The flame actually went out once, and I thought maybe I shouldn't re-light it, but I did. End result: burning perfectly nicely now, though the inside of the glass has soot marks from when I tipped the candle to pour out the melted wax.

So, it's good to carry various tools with you at all times, because you never know when you will need to futz something. See Linda's impressive collection of small knives, screwdrivers and various other implements.

Today will be my first day back at the office. For a short time. Or maybe not. We'll see how it feels. Though I must admit, I am really enjoying spending time around the house.

A last day, a first day

This is a variation of what was the last post on Linda's Non-Motorcycle Diary (http://360.yahoo.com/lbk821), keeping Linda's friends up to date on what was going on. The posts were addressed to the blog-reading public. Today, I really start the next step on my journey with a letter to Linda. Over our eight plus year history, we used our Hebrew names for our letters and cards.

April 22, 2008

My sweet Tovah:

Very first thing: You are absolutely correct: New York Chinese food is way better than California. No question about it. We went for dinner at Seven Woks and it was fabulous, including spareribs as they are meant to be. And all the fortunes were good -- not trite. Mine says: "Many possibilities are open to you -- work a little harder."

And I will have to work harder. Because now it's up to me to do all the large and small things that you have always done. Like Ketzl's fountain, all the laundry, checking inventory of plastic bags, soap and shampoo, paper plates, etc.

I remember on more than one occasion you commenting on why it was so much easier for me to pack, getting ready for one of our trips. Because all I had to take care of was my own clothing and toiletries. You always handled "the other stuff" -- the variety of ointments, meds, moist towelettes and bandaids; the adapters for European current; the battery charger and extra batteries and memory cards for the cameras; the clothespins and clotheslines (came in handy on the QM2); utensils (as long as it's not knives brought to England) for picnics; extra toiletries; night lights; cups ... the list is long. Fortunately, somewhere on your computer are the packing lists from which I can work.

So over these amazing eight years, I've learned a lot from you (and I hope you learned some things from me as well). Here's just a beginning:

* Not to be redundant, but New York Chinese food really IS better.

* There is a correct way to load a dishwasher.

* Everything has a place. If you take something out, put it back. Always. Really.

* Save the receipts on significant purchases, and keep them with the instruction manuals and warranties (and possibly the original box). In a file.

* Make folders at the beginning of each year for credit card and bank statements, tax deductible items, medical expenses, etc. This will save a LOT of time come next April.

* Take time to smell the roses ... and admire all other flowers as well.

* Appreciate the butterflies, too.

* Take lots of photographs, especially in this digital age when the pix can be edited or deleted.

* Be thoughtful and sensitive to people's needs.

* Be generous with cards and gifts. People will always remember the kindness.

* Consider the consequences of any particular course of action.

* Don't be intimated by mechanical things -- they are only things and can be figured out.

* Pay attention to when things go on sale: almost everything will go on sale at some point.

* There's no such thing as too much (gold) jewelry.

* Say "I love you" to those you love.

Here's a slightly mushy quote that came through recently:

"Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy; they just promised it would most likely be worth it."

I know it was worth it for me. You took a chance. It changed our lives. And we let it.

Thank you for finding me and coming in to my life.

Thank you for loving me so fully.

Thank you for bringing me two more wonderful sons.

Thank you for showing me how to live with courage and conviction.

Thank you for bringing so many movies and so much music into my life.

Thank you for teaching me so many things. There are still so many more things to learn.

Thank you for almost nine wonderful years.

Thank you for your wonderful smile.

Thank you for your gentle touch.

Thank you for being you, and allowing me to be me.

The sun rises each morning, the days get longer. The fruits on the apricot, apple, nectarine and peach have set and are growing nicely. It's time to get the tomatoes planted.

So as I set out on the next stage of my journey, if ever I get stuck, I will ask myself: "What would Linda do?"

I hope that you realize how important you were, not just to me but to everyone whose lives you touched, from White Plains HS class of 66 to Jayson Camps, to people in Ohio and here in San Jose.

I will miss you. I love you and will keep you in my heart forever.

XOXOXOX

your dvora

One foot in front of the other

Each journey begins with one step. And then another. One foot in front of the other.

For those of you who are following me from Linda's blog, welcome. I'm glad you are here. It was an honor to write there for the last several months, but the time came when the Non-Motorcycle Diary needed to end, and I needed to begin this next stage of my journey on my own. So the journey is mine, but I am glad to have company along the way. That's what it's about: family, friends and connections.

This is about all I have energy for tonight. But something needed to be here for people to find. So here it is. The first post for the rest of my journey.