it's monday already, again

the crescent moon was very nice this evening when i took ketzl for his night-time walk. there is the soft fragrance in the air, perhaps some freesias that are blooming now. and yesterday, i saw some fritillary butterflies cavorting in the bushes when we walked in the afternoon sunlight. spring is here.

the re-do of the landscaping seems to be stalled. i wrote to the designer today to find out what is up. new trees is not what is up. looking forward to getting two new fruit trees this year ... plums!!

tonight was support group. one more before the two week break. one man is back after hernia surgery. he was surprised at the warm welcome. one other man, in addition to the death of his wife, has had 4 more deaths in the last 3 weeks, two family members, two close friends. that is an amazing hit. otherwise, we are fine and we laugh together most of the time.

the fog continues to lift, most days. sometimes, when i think i'm doing fine, then someone asks "how are you doing?" and that could easily set me off.

still preparing for april 10, when Linda's name will be read for the first time in the synagogue on the approximate anniversary of her death. it will not be easy but i keep hearing from people who will be there, and some of whom will be baking special Passover things for the Oneg Shabbat after services.

getting more organized about making plane reservations. got 3 more to LA and also great deal on jetblue to NY in May. now the planning can start in earnest.

not sure what i think about Obama's calling for the ouster of the General Motors CEO. but gee, it certainly is still wonderful to listen to a president who can speak in complete sentences, with conviction and understanding. and the silly republicans trying to paint Obama as some kind of socialist.

passover is coming. i've volunteered to bring the charoseth (mixture of nuts and apples); and i may branch out to an additional one with dried apricots...more middle eastern style than my traditional eastern european recipe which i learned from my mother. i am convinced that this can only be made by chopping by hand, and i use the old stainless steel chopping blade that i inherited from my mother, along with her recipe. there is something amazingly comforting about chopping walnuts in the wooden bowl, turning every few chops. sort of like kneading dough. (it's ok to use a food processor if you are doing 20 pounds of apples. then it's ok not to hand chop, imho.)

now Liz Smith is saying that Washington DC is the new Hollywood. well, ok.

i need to go change the load from the washer to the dryer. and then think about heading to bed. tomorrow is another busy day.

but wait, there's Facebook

so i put a link to the blog on my facebook page
and got quick replies from two women i've known for more than 10 years.
so i'm making a connection between this older part of me, the part that is connected to Linda...and the new fb me, which is more contemporary (and still connected because it is still me but not a lot of discussion of Linda)... amazing this new world.

just when you think it can't get any more difficult...

of course it does.

several days ago i went out and on the front porch was one of Linda's business cards from Silicon Valley Securities. i wondered what that was about. maybe she is just stopping by to say hi. saying she's still there. i guess it must have fallen out of a pocket or purse when i went for my keys. or something.

then today as i was turning the corner to take a bulk mailing to the post office, a business card (this one from the synagogue) flew out of the visor pocket and landed on the floor of the car. saying hi again. we used to take mailings together to the post office, even before Linda moved to California. i told earle, my favorite clerk, about her.

this last month is hitting me much harder than i thought it would. and continues to do so. i'm planning to host the social hour after services on april 10. where i will be surrounded by friends and family. many of my friends are my family. and i value them all. i am truly blessed.

before going out to take the cat for his walk (the ritual when i get home from work) i put on one of Linda's overshirts. of course it is way too large. but warm and comforting. i am feeling in need of that protection. i didn't realize that there are pockets down low on the side. omg i just reached in. this is the shirt Linda wore when we were in San Francisco with Aud, seeing an exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor on March 19, 2008. i have the other tickets in one of my coat pockets. i love finding things in pockets. that was the date when we went to the museum, then ate dinner at Ton Kiang and raced home to meet Angela, the hospice intake nurse. wow. that was a momentous day. Angela is fabulous. i remember the entire sequence so clearly. Angela saw how much discomfort Linda was experiencing and phoned in an order for pain meds before she finished the discussion, so that they could be delivered that night. wow. 3/19/2008.

i remember the year that we spent traveling back and forth (16 visits over 10 months) and linda would bring more clothes to leave here, hanging in the closet. when she was back in ohio, i would go into the closet to smell the shirts. smell is very evocative. at the time Linda wore YSL's champagne. delicious. powerful. later she changed to Sung by alfred sung. so i just got back from a trip to the closet. and i am inconsolable. after almost a year most everything has been washed...or has been so long away from any perfume or touch that there is no smell there. i think i really knew for a while that this was the case. but nothing quite like the stark reality staring me in the face or in the nose, as it were, to make it clear. first year. so many firsts. a variety of finalities that are not yet over. i have not yet finished the toothpaste with the roll-up clip. and speaking of passover, as i was, there is still a box of velveeta from last year, waiting to be spread on matzo.

it's gonna be a long couple of weeks.

Passover really is my favorite Jewish holiday

and it's not just the food. it's the symbolism. how it celebrates release from bondage. and each year as Passover, we have an opportunity to examine our lives and find out what is keeping us in a place of constriction. in fact Mitzrayim, the Hebrew word for Egypt, means narrowness. so on this holiday (april 8-9 this year) i will acknowledge that this first year of mourning was my constriction. and i am almost ready to be liberated from this bondage. i will also mark this occasion with my first visit to the mikvah, the ritual bath that is used to mark special occasions. i'm doing some reading about the tradition and how i might personalize the experience. interestingly, i am on the committee for the mikvah at the JCC in Los Gatos, and we are planning a fun opening celebration in June.

monday night group continues to be good. just found out (via facebook of course) that one of the new members shares my birthday. that makes 4 of us in my group of 100* friends. amazing. Linda's yahrzeit will be read on friday april 10 which is Good Friday. a lot of the group and other friends are Catholic and so will be otherwise occupied. but they will be with us in spirit.

today i challenge myself to deal with my desk at work. maybe not completely but to make a serious difference. i need to get back to using the mug with the built-in To Do list. that really helped, silly as that might sound.

i think ketzl deserves a morning walk. don't you?

sunday ruminations

the long four days are now over.
lots of activity, including a one=day flight to LA. not the preferred way, but it does work ok. it was a very productive one day including a trip to the best farmers market and then out after lunch to get pedicures for all of us, and i got a mini-manicure as well. lots of fun but a bit ticklish when they file the callouses on the heels.

dinner tonight at Merit Vegetarian, a wonderful place not too far from J&R's house in sunnyvale. they do "chicken" and "beef" from meat substitutes but it does not taste fake. the spicing is wonderful and they have vegan desserts. wow. we got one each cheesecake and mocha layer cake to share among five and it was fine. totally yummy.

my arm is healed and so i took a nice soak in the tub before dinner. that plus clean sheets. what a wonderful combination. now if the cat will only let me sleep in, it will be a complete deal.

so glad this weekend is over. onward and upward. a busy week ahead. and drawing closer to the one year anniversary. almost everyone i speak with has the same reaction: how can it be a year already? it feels at the same time both a much shorter time and a much longer. time is strange. that's all i can conclude. reminders about friday april 10 service at 7:30 PM, and dinner monday april 13 for thai. have to figure out how to do this thai food during passover. technically. i should not have rice. however, one of the key ingredients in sticky rice with mango is (duh) rice. on the "do not eat" list for most. ah well. some things transcend the normal religious rules. imho.

#250

this is post #250. in not quite a year. that's pretty amazing all by itself.

tonight is the night that President Obama makes an appearance on Jay Leno. wow. what have we come to in this modern age. well, i guess if i can be on facebook and have a g-phone, anything is possible.

this is a ridiculously busy weekend. i hope i survive until Monday. friday is open house shabbat, always a challenge. down to LA for the day on Saturday. sunday is mitzvah day at the synagogue. just keep putting one foot in front of the other. and remember to breathe. good start.

i have put out the invitation to a host of folks to be with me on April 10 when Linda's name will be read for the first time. we'll see who shows up. and then food on monday the 13th. i know i won't be alone. these are not closed events. even if specific invites were not received, all are welcome.

i'm tired, as usual. at work we have started getting up from behind our desks and doing stretches, a few yoga postures. it is a lot of fun. but more fun is the electronic remote control whoopee cushion. that is really a bucket of laffs. it was really painful when the rabbi commandeered it for Purim. but we are back in business.

facebook continues to amaze me.

i guess i'm not quite there yet

i guess i'm not quite there yet

i'm looking for the balance point
between remembering and letting go
between keeping the shared experiences, the stories, the life we shared
as a present part of my self
and being able to step into the future
as the new me.

i have been told
more than once
that i will know it when it happens
finding the balance point

when it feels too hard to go on alone
i'm not there yet
when i worry that i will forget
and i don't want to
i'm not there yet
sometimes when i look at photographs
or any of the multitude of things that still connect me to Linda
and feel her love wrapped around me so tenderly
then i don't want to move forward
for fear of losing it altogether

but at least i know that out there
in the future
there is a balance point

i guess i'm not quite there yet

but i will know.

musings on a cold walk with the cat

so ketzl is deaf, and while i talk to him (fruitlessly) when we are at home (ok, we're going to get some asparagus for you now) when we walk, i tend to be completely silent. and let ketzl set the pace, and sniff and explore at his leisure. tonight when i got home, we set right out. i forgot that when the sun goes down and the wind comes up, that i should have grabbed a jacket to go over my light wool sweater. over a shirt with purple, black and GREEN stripes. so it was cold and even though ketzl found some things of interest that caught his attention, we were back home in 20 minutes.

i've been doing a fair amount of writing recently in a variety of places. poems. letters to Linda. other small pieces.

today i wrote to friends and family, inviting them to services at the synagogue for Linda's yahrzeit. and to thai food on April 13, the actual anniversary of her death.

it is all still quite strange. talking in past tenses. using the words "died," "death," "passing." and yet there are the joyful times, looking at picture albums of trips, remembering doing puzzles together, competing in Jotto, enjoying meals in favorite haunts. a lot of joy.

who am i now? i'm still very much The Deborah (as my children are wont to call me). and yet how changed i am, from before i knew Linda. from before she got sick. from while she was sick. from since she died. (there's that word again). all of these have the underlying sameness of me and yet in each "incarnation," there is such difference.

and i'm getting ready. watching as this last month draws to a close. living it as fully as i can, knowing that "now is all we ever really have." it makes each "now" all the more precious, doesn't it? i'm getting ready. ready to be able to say "YES!" and mean it. i'm not quite there yet, which is the subject of a poem i wrote that i will post here forthwith.

it's still difficult

as i go to the thumbnail in the right column over there...
"I started this blog on April 21, 2008. On April 13th, my sweet Linda died after battling pancreatic cancer for 4 years. I had been composing her blog since October 2007 when we returned from England. It was time for that to end, and my new journey to begin."

as i enter the final month of this first year, this incredible year of firsts....i can feel so much welling up to the surface. most days i've been doing really "well," whatever that means. but as this anniversary approaches, i'm feeling pretty vulnerable. i will, as always, continue to rely on my friends for love and support. with much gratitude for all the blessings in my life, new and old.

despite dire predictions...

there seem to be a LOT of apricots setting now. maybe half an inch long. clusters of them. apricots alternate heavy and lighter fruiting years. and 2007 was heavy, so given the best information, last year should have been light. it wasn't. so the prediction was in that this year would be light, and i was worried about the wind and the rain. but timing seems to have been ok. i know, i know, some of them may fall off before they mature. but as of this morning, i am cautiously optimistic.

today seems to be the day of Deborah doing transportation. i have a date with a key volunteer from the synagogue, who arranged tickets to see Carol Channing this afternoon. in the evening i will be taking another friend to a concert of lovely music by Symphony Silicon Valley with chorales (his wife is singing) and his new car is not quite ready yet. so i have a lot to get done before i take off. like folding towels. and cleaning the car.

i am pondering. i have written two poems recently. one is still a bit too new to post here but i'm thinking about it. part of the transition.

got a note yesterday from the grief group facilitator, who commented that she hadn't yet shared the bus analogy with us. we are on a bus. everyone dear to us is on the bus, including those who pre-decease us. but they stay on the bus. particularly with spouses, at first they sit next to us. later they might move to the row ahead. toward the back. across the aisle. but they never leave our bus. sometimes they come back to sit next to us. always there somewhere in the realm. that's a good way of looking at things. not in view but still there. close.

The LindAlphabet

With thanks to everyone who contributed. Herewith an edited version of all the words.
If anyone has any questions about the references, feel free to inquire. Additional suggestions also welcome.

The LindAlphabet

A argyle, archivist, Akron, Audrey, Adam

B butterfly, brilliant, Bubbles, brisket, Badgers, Blauner, bargain hunter, banded collar shirts

C chocolate, completion, courage, computer, California, camping, camp (Owaissa), Chinese food (New York), carnivore

D dancer, (attention to) detail, driver, Deborah, David, Daniel, (the) Diner

E encyclopedic knowledge, eggs (scrambled well in butter), elegance,

F friends, fighter, foodie, fresh flowers, friend, Florida, fun, funny

G generous, guitar, grin

H historian, handkerchiefs, hats, Halloween costumes and candy, humor, hugs

I independence, Inga, inspirational, I-80

J jotto, Jewish, Julia, joy, Jeremy, jokes, John Sieberling, Juris Doctor

K Ketzl, Klein, kisses, knives

L Learned, lively, Linny-Pinny, laugh, lox, lawyer, love, leather

M motorcycle, meticulous, matzo meal pancakes, Mom, Mommy, masters degree in taxation, master futzer, Marc's, movies, music, musicals

N nectarine, New York, night owl

O Ohio, orange juice, organized, onion bagels

P photographer, passionate, planner, puzzles, piano

Q Queen of F*#@ing Everything, Q-tips

R roses, Rummikub, road trips

S smile, swimmer, self-taught, Scrabble, singing/singer, SoInKleined Enterprises

T tennis, Tamiami Trail, traveler, Tovah Leah

U uncompromising, University of Akron, University of Wisconsin

V vibrant, validating

W wonton soup, White Plains, wit, words, Wisconsin, warrior

X eXacting, xoxoxoxox

Y young at heart

Z zest for life, Zips (Univ of Akron mascot)

today i got a notice from the office

well, the desk around the corner where the volunteer folds such things...
it was telling me that Linda's name will be read at services on Friday, April 10. Even though i know that today is 11 months, and next month will be a full year, seeing that in print is very difficult.

and yet the sun is shining. there will be great music for Rock Shabbat tonight. my pants fit better (or the bigger ones don't fit anymore). so things are looking up in many ways.

and yet ...
how incredible it is that almost a full year has gone by...months filled with individual counseling and now the grief support group. people in many areas of my life who have been so supportive, helpful, etc.

but so many things have not moved in that almost year. maybe it is time to think about spring cleaning with a vengeance, now that there is daylight later and it will continue to get better in that regard.

but it did hit me hard to see things in black and white. i'm not much of a black and white kinda person. but there is that letter. the name of your dear departed loved one will be read at services on Friday, April 10. services will be at 7:30 pm. there it is.

another first and a second

this morning i changed the bulbs in the overhead light/fan combo in the bedroom. there are three things hanging from the screws which hold the glass shade in place: two lacquered ornaments...a bee (dvora) and a butterfly (linda), and the threecolor nylon windsock (i know it should be outside) that we got in big sur. so i removed each of them, took the shade off and washed it. replaced the bulbs. have to research to see if you can use CFL's with a dimmer switch. don't think so. but the dimmer works well in here. so then put everything back up. voila. done. not so hard. even i can reach from standing on the end of the bed. no biggie. another first.

seconds: today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of Ann Levine, my dear sweet mother. it's still pretty much a blur.

no walking this morning so i'll take advantage of the time to clean up the kitchen. not eating a lot keeps things pretty manageable.

i'm getting close to posting the LindAlphabet. it won't be the complete version with everyone's full lists...selected. this friday is eleven months. that is also pretty hard to comprehend.

silly cat. he got up on the top of the glass shelves in the bathroom, and then meowed to get down. hadn't been up there in ages. but he figured out how to do it by himself. i think i'll let him be outside for a while as i work in the kitchen.

things are progressing re gardens front and back. choosing new plum trees for the mini-orchard! plums!! and nice stuff for the area in front of the house now that the huge camellia is gone. deck is gone and the ground was rototilled with compost yesterday. keeping fingers crossed that cold and wind and rain do not deplete the apricot crop. weather is an iffy thing. looking forward to a new fence in the back, too. that will be a major improvement.

back from Santa Monica again

a fairly successful visit, all in all.
yoga, out to lunch at Fromin's, a wonderful deli with corned beef on rye with cole slaw.
i don't remember my father ever eating french fries as i was growing up. (in fact there is a story that we went out to a diner once when my sister was about 6 or 7 years old, and the waitress asked if she wanted french fries and she asked, "what's french fries?" she literally had never had them...we didn't do fast food.) so i gather that he is making up for lost time. and yummy soup and a visit to the counter to pick up other stuff to take home, like rugelach and blintzes. and rye bread. yum.

the cat was not satisfied with the walk, which i did first thing. so he is outside on the tether while i type, unpack, do laundry and get ready for the week. i also remembered to reset all the clocks. i think i'm pretty quick at remembering how each one works. phew. one of the drawbacks to being away on the day/night that daylight savings time begins.

tomorrow is the adult purim evening. i need a costume. i'm drawing a blank. oh i just realized that it conflict with monday night group. so i'll split the difference. no costume then.

so i did make it down to the ocean. i promised adam that if i'm there for two days, i'll go to the shore. audrey suggested that i take down an old pair of sneakers to leave in the closet. great idea!! i'll do that in two weeks then. take the oldest.

things are just slowing down down there. it's hard in some ways. not so hard in others.

this friday is 11 months, for those of us who are counting. that would include me.

balancing act

balance is not necessarily moderation. on the ride home tonight after a yummy birthday dinner with daniel (happy 23 tomorrow) i listed to Bart Erhman on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. very interesting. his path led from fundamentalist christian to agnostic. he has written a book on the inconsistencies within the New Testament, who wrote which gospels, etc. he realized at one point that he did not need belief in order to be a good person. that we are hard wired to treat others as we would wish to be treated. so once he accepted that he would not turn into a person without ethics or values, he changed his approach. teaches in the dept of religious studies (so these issues still matter to him) at UNC Chapel Hill. that's not an easy place necessarily to be an avowed agnostic.

i forget if i wrote here some of the slightly cute tidbits from Noah Ben Shea's PBS lecture. i flipped past him again tonight, and he was at the point of: don't let the past determine your future. we have only two arms. if we are holding tight onto the past, we can't embrace our future.

so that's the balance. finding out how to remember the past. honor the past. celebrate what was. without being stuck there. it must be doable. others before me have done it. doesn't only apply to spousal loss. relevant really to everyone. balance is also between work and home. i have to be careful not to seek too much refuge in the structure, people and activities of work. not to use it as an escape. but i realize that i need that connection. but it is something of which to be aware.

one other snippet that sticks:
the only mistake you can make is not learning from the last one. i'll have to keep that in mind when i make a mistake next.

trying to work out a date for the unveiling of Linda's headstone at Valhalla Cemetery just outside of White Plains NY. takes some negotiating. we'll get there.

so happy birthday, younger son. my gift to you, as promised, is not to call at 7:30 in the morning to sing happy birthday.

we walked between the raindrops this morning

but tonite ketzl wasn't so lucky. but he really insisted on going out in the rain. return to the hair dryer, tuna and tomatoes.

tonight was a mikvah committee meeting. mikvah is the ritual bath that everyone can use (not limited to women) and there is one out at the JCC in los gatos. i'm on the committee planning the gala opening scheduled for june 7. fun times. great women. but it's another night out.

more rain and more rain. good for the water table and snow pack.
staff meeting in the morning. better get some sleep.

is it enough rain yet?

i'm worried about the blossoms on the apricot tree. when i drove daniel home from the airport, there were trees there (not apricots) whose blossoms were all over the ground and the cars.

"I Am My Own Wife," playing at the San Jose Stage Company through Sunday, was wonderful. Very good to see it again, in a much more intimate setting (5 rows deep) than i had in San Francisco with Linda. the story of Charlotte von Mahlsdorf, who survived in Germany, collecting furniture, artifacts, an entire bar was in her basement, despite being born Lothar and living as a transvestite. a one man (one woman) show with the actor doing the voices of every character. amazing. powerful. everyone in San Jose who can, should go see it. good company at the leisurely early dinner that followed at Il Fornaio. polenta. beet and arugula salad. yum. i remember one high holy days, when the synagogue paid for staff to stay overnight at the hotel, Linda had food delivered waiting for me to get back from services. it included the beet salad. my favorite.

lots of laundry done over the weekend. not a lot else. sometimes it still feels like a fog.

we got two (possibly 3) new people in monday group. nice. they both lost their spouses much more recently but i don't think we scared them off. we are good people. they need us.

it was dark outside when i looked. i can't tell if it is raining. yesterday christine and i took advantage of a brief break in the drops to go walking. it always feels so good to be out there. we really have picked up the pace. we are both accustomed to walking with people whose legs are much longer than ours!

as we were preparing to walk yesterday, adam called from dc. he was walking to yoga and it was 22 degrees and snowing. so we in california should just be quiet with our weather mewling. doncha think?

i need to leave treats for the cat today. i have a night meeting starting at 7:30 pm and it's not worth it to come home to feed him so i'll be back closer to 9:30 pm. maybe i can sneak home during the day? or do i need to remember that he is "just a cat" even tho he is so much more, and if i leave food and water available, he will be fine til i get home. really.

yesterday morning ketzl woke me up when he brought a twist-tie on to the bed. that is one of his favorite toys. he drops it, catches it in his mouth. tosses it with a paw. leaps after it. drops it on the floor. retrieves it. brings it back up. quite a sight. i only wish it has been a bit later. last night he was out and got a bit rained on. so i brought him in, toweled him off and then used the hairdryer. it is a very old loud one, but he's deaf so he doesn't run from it like many cats do. for him, it's all about the warmth. good cat.

in addition to the lavender oil i'm using on the burn on my arm (which is almost healed a week later), now i'm using tea tree oil. with one dose (!) it cleared up a canker sore in my mouth, as promised. now i'm trying it on the itchy patches on the other arm. we'll see. the strength of homeopathy. i'm willing to see if it makes a difference.

if it is raining and we're not going to walk, i'm up early enough that i could actually vacuum this morning. that had been on the agenda for the weekend. it is still a struggle sometimes to get things completely done.