81 degrees is never an appropriate indoor temperature

ok so this day will be filed among those with too much excitement.

starting with the 2nd day in a row of the 8 allowable days when we who do not have air conditioning deeply wish we did. and the temp in the house was 80 degrees when i got home but it was 84 degrees outside. it is cooler now. and the fan is on, drawing the hot air up to the attic, and cool air from the outside through the house. i trained with the Queen of Airflow. and "they" promise that things are going to cool off by 15 degrees in the next day or two, and even possibly rain. wow. exciting times in California. but in Moscow there was snow on sunday. woo hoo.

then on the walk, i (and ketzl) saw what at first i thought was a cat on the curb across the street. but then it moved and dropped into a sewer drain. that's not cat behavior. needless to say, we went home, even with the critter out of sight.

home. set up laundry. washed sheets and towels. transferred the load to the dryer. reached over to push the "sensor dry" button and OMG ... 5 inches away from my hand was a dead rat.

ok that's enough excitement for the day. done. no more. please. thank you.

the phone deed is done at long last

this afternoon on the way home i stopped in the t-mobile store and ported my old cell phone number to the g-phone. i'm giving up the entire att account which means that linda's cell number is history. it is what it is. now i am a family member on jeremy's account and am actually using the full variety of features, well maybe not full but more than before. now to set up my voicemail etc. so if you don't have the 425 number, email me offline and i'll send it to you.

maybe i needed to be in the 2nd year. which is where i am now. very big sigh.
put on earrings for the first time today to attend a wonderful b'not mitzvah (two sisters, not twins). other than that i'm still jewelry-free. interesting.

jeremy is on his way back home from 2nd 5-day trip to North Carolina. tim transferred out of ICU last night after 2+ weeks. jeremy is very happy to have been there for this milestone. things are looking MUCH better.

ok ketzl wants to go for his afternoon walk. time to boogie!

i'm really much closer and maybe almost there...

so for months i've wrestled with the issue of the cell phones. since jeremy gave me the android (google phone, for which thank you so much; i'm not scared of it anymore ...) i have been unwilling to port my "old" phone number over because we could not retrieve linda's voice from the ATT airwaves. we've tried. various people have gotten the two phones to turn on; i got my contacts off one SIM card. but there will be a finality hopefully tomorrow or this weekend when i go back to my old 425 number. maybe i've been obsessing just a bit (moi?) about this. rochelle has a tape recording of linda giving her brisket recipe. now that's going to be a keeper.

so passover is over. jews are eating pizza and pasta and bagels once again. i may still make eggs and matzo because i love it so. i did not attempt the matzo meal pancakes that were Linda's trademark, with cottage cheese, cinnamon/sugar, fresh blueberries, bananas and strawberries on top. there's still time. i have the matzo meal ready.

wow it is mikvah season. two dear friends in Florida, one a classmate of Linda's from white plains high school, are preparing for the mikvah on Sunday, as part of their becoming jews on May 1. this is very exciting. Hannah and Elisheva are the Hebrew names they have chosen. i am so excited, and sorry i cannot be with them as they take this wonderfully important step together. that's even more wonderful!

so since last saturday, when i prepared here at home for my immersion, i have not worn any jewelry. none. not even one small piece. it is interesting. i'm kinda liking it. plain. not fancy. elemental. personal. bare bones, kinda. my sister commented that with my hair longer now, my new skinnier self and no jewelry and smiling, she recognized a Deborah from years ago. that felt really nice.

and to top it off, my reserve pair of orange keen clogs arrived today. happy feet!

i am open to the world in a way i have not experienced before. not sure how it relates to the mikvah and no jewelry, if at all. i'm really ready to go back, but this is not the time yet.

i've been thinking also about the screen names on my AIM buddy list. so the ones who are online are in black, with their relevant available or away messages, sometimes a comment on the music they are listening to...they are present in real time. those who are not signed on are in grey. not quite there, but lurking. with the possibility of being there. there are a lot of names on that list that probably should be pruned but i'm not ready to do that. perhaps they are screen names that people have changed or just don't use any more. there are several who are no longer living, in different categories. i think it goes back to vickie's description of people on our "bus," where you don't see them all the time, but they are there. and so i take comfort in the names in grey, even though they are not directly available to me at any given moment. but they are still there. my mother. Linda. someone in texas. my aunt in florida, a friend of jeremy's now in new jersey. several names that jeremy used to use. i'm not sure why it is comforting, but it is.

so getting closer to resolution on the phone issue. after a full year, it's time to stop paying for the extra line that i don't use. let go of trying to capture an outgoing message. it's ok. it will be ok. i will be ok. really. and i know that. really i do. with or without any messages.

it's been nice the last few days. i've seen two Hyundai Sonatas, similar to Linda's. one was the same dark green but wasn't the GLS V6. the other was black and was the V6, including the same nice tasteful rear spoiler that really improves the look, imho. and butterflies are around and a lot of hummingbirds.

and yes it is still weird. but the first year is over.

the immersion experience

i've decided to wait for a bit to see how things feel in the next few days. at one level i don't feel any different. it was a step, another step on the journey. rabbi leslie alexander was my guide and she had a few readings from the large binder. there are three "dunks" after each is a different blessing. it was very comforting and i could feel some stress being lifted, but i want to hang out with the experience for just a bit.

today is David's birthday.
happy birthday, David in London.

post 262 a palindromic number

this post will be in two parts.
first will be two pieces that i wrote last night in the quiet of the empty house. i had been thinking quite a bit about the kinds of things that i wanted to say, and one came out as an adaptation on the Shehechayanu, a blessing said at significant times. the other is a reflection on how my mikvah experience occurs during Passover. more later on the mikvah experience itself.

Sustaining Us

a blessing of thanks
to the unseen forces of the universe
which sustained me, maintained me
and enabled me to reach this very special moment of now.
(because now is really all we ever have).

i give thanks to the unseen forces of the universe
and also to the very real people in my life
who have sustained me over this incredible first year,
the year of firsts.

sustained is very much how i feel.
i made it through.
and i am feeling again,
which in itself is a blessing.

i am sustained by my connections
to people and to the universe.
the dark clouds have lifted.
i can see the light. i can feel the warmth.
and i know with certainty that i will continue
from this "now" to the next.

with gratitude.


Passover Mikvah

it is not lost on me
that my first immersion is during Pesach.
i know what has enslaved me during the past year.
i am ready to leave behind the endless grey of loneliness.
i am ready to exchange the tears of sadness for the cleansing waters of the mikvah.
i am ready to trade the stifling grip of grief for the warm embrace of my future.

i am ready to step into the waters
and into the next year of my life.

this year i was held in bondage by my grief.
next year, may i be truly free.

both written
april 11, 2009

one step at a time

last night's service (and accompanists) was wonderful.
i truly have the most robust support network ever ever.
i was surrounded by friends old and new from so many areas of my life, ranging from almost 20 years ago to someone from the monday night group. we all stood up as Linda's name was read. wow. i wish i could have been up on the bimah (pulpit) to see it from rabbi's perspective. and then the food. omg. so yes i freaked out and then people baked and rabbi even made matzo bark for me!! woo hoo!! and his wife made mini choc chip macaroons, and then i had hired a caterer whose mother made macaroons that were huge and moist...we called them Big Macs! unbelievable. and his pastry chef made mini sponge cake balls, sliced in half with a dollop of whipped cream and a slice of strawberry. omg omg. unbelievably delicious. really really really wonderful. and i brought arnold palmer (half and half ice tea and lemonade, a linda favorite, and mango passion fruit drink. and cheese and nuts and veggies and and and. we ate. people took home small plates. it was all quite wonderful.

so that is done. and we all made it through in good form, i believe. thank you to everyone who was there, with me and for me, etc. i do so appreciate your presence.

one foot in front of the other. that's the journey.
so tomorrow is really the mikvah. i'm excited about that. only a bit nervous. rabbi leslie alexander is a dear friend as well as rabbi; she is the one that linda considered to be "her rabbi." so it will be all good. i need to think about writing something for the morning. something cusp-ish maybe. if it works, i'll post it here.

very big sigh. yup, that's how it goes. one foot in front of the other.

this is still "the week" and there's more...

so first seder was last night. i was very happy that my minimalist charoset (apples, nuts and wine ONLY, no cinnamon, sugar, lemon juice, etc.) made an Israeli swoon, so much so that at the end, when of course we were all stuffed, she sat down with a bowl and a spoon and continued to eat. that is true devotion. i used my mother's stainless steel chopping blade. it is very comforting. i wish i had had just a bit more time so that the experience would have been not quite so rushed. but it all worked out. potlucks are wonderful because the food is soooooooo yummy.

so another in the year of firsts. i need to try my hand at what i think of as Linda's matzo meal pancakes, which she attributed to her grandmother, but Aud says no. matzo brei for breakfast (like eggs with matzo softened and crumbled in it. delish!)

i freaked out a bit at costco and trader joe's in getting ready for tomorrow's oneg after services. cheese, fruits, nuts, veggies, now drinks (organic arnold palmer, tea with lemonade, and mango-passionfruit drink. i will pick up a flat of strawberries in the morning from the seller on the corner near the house. i need to find out how to make a decent dip for veggies as the ones that come with the platter have (i think) corn syrup as a sweetener and that's not ok.

the wednesday morning service of blessings for the sun was fun. foiled a bit by the failure of someone from the location to unlock the gate but we managed nicely. i'm getting way better at getting up early. part of the liturgy included the mourner's kaddish, kinduva dry run for tomorrow night. note to self: bring tissues, to share.

my hiking poles came. komperdell from austria, courtesy of sierra trading post! this means i can contemplate going for a real hike on mission peak. hopefully next week on sunday.

this sunday is the mikvah. i'm getting pretty excited about that, except there is so much to get through beforehand (tonight's congregational second night seder, tomorrow night, for starters). and then there is the added distraction that my ex is improving but is in the ICU in north carolina. jeremy was there for 5 days and now his sister is there for not sure how long. scary stuff but seems like he is starting to pull through in better form. jeremy did amazing work in the "git 'er done" frame. lots of logistics and practical things. not surprised, but very happy at what he was able to do.

so, one foot in front of the other. decisions to be made. time to toss all my superbaggy pants because (a) they don't fit (b) that style is no longer in and it overwhelms me (c) i like the feel of snug jeans, etc. i don't think i'm done losing weight (do not recommend this weight-loss method, though) so i'm not investing too much in replacements (thrift stores are wonderful resources). i think i'm almost ready to tackle the bathroom counters and other areas where things are pretty much the same as they were a year go. i am still amazed at how amorphous and non-linear time is as a dimension. how this last year can have gone by both so quickly and so slowly.

time to snack before i head to the dinner. it will be a while before we actually eat. chag sameach. bring on the hillel sandwich! (matzo, charoset and horseradish...the BEST thing ever!)

how do you measure a year?

from "Rent." also a song in the SVGMC show last night.

this is the last week. this is the last week i will be able to say "it's been almost a year since Linda died." and then the first year will be over. for the most part, i think i'm doing pretty much ok. busy at work (Passover etc.), lots of activities. not a lot of eating, which is good.

so how do you measure a year in my life, this past year?
in tissues? in pictures? in plays attended? in family phone calls? in emails? in blog posts? (259 i think this one is). in new shoes? in friday night services attended? in cards and letters? in cups of coffee?

it's been quite a year.

Pesach approaches...

it's coming up this week. silly computer just bonked and i lost what i had typed. and i know i had saved it at least once. grrrrr. i'm in santa monica again this weekend. read some Passover stuff to my father, from a book that Linda had ordered and shipped here...one book for each major jewish holiday.

the traffic is abating now and i can hear the sound of the waves. but there is nothing like being right at the shore, seeing the spray after the curls roll down, hearing the crash, repetitive, relentless, rhythmic and soothing. i love the ocean.

i am looking forward to making the charoseth: chopping the apples and walnuts (i got more at the farmers market today) and adding just a bit of wine...my mother was pretty minimalist about these things. i will use her single steel curved chopping blade. it will be a pretty spiritual experience. rotating the wooden bowl 90 degrees. getting the texture right. unless one is chopping 20 pounds of apples, imho a food processor is never allowed.

i am still struck by all the confluence of things...passover celebrating liberation from egyptian slavery (in fact, Mitzrayim, the hebrew word for Egypt, means place of narrowness or constriction. kinda like a birth canal...as the people Israel left egypt for freedom in their own land.) i love matzo and charoseth. mmmmmmm. and horseradish. it's all yummy. and meaningful as i know what has been holding me in bondage this last year. and while i have learned a LOT and grown a LOT, i think i am ready for it to be over. things won't necessarily be different on the other side but it will be over. the missing still goes on. still very difficult to believe that it has been an entire year. or only a year. depending. it was the fastest and the slowest at the same time, and if anyone can explain that to me, i'd welcome the input.

quote from "the gift of grief: finidng peace, transformation and renewed life after great sorrow" by rabbi matthew gewirtz:
faith = belief + doubt + action
more from the book at a later time...

very big sigh...

it's been quite a day or so. i lose track. yesterday we found out that Tim, father of Jeremy and Daniel, was in ICU in Durham NC. while the basic procedure went well, and the arteries are cleared, there are breathing issues which means a longer stay with the higher level of care. jeremy is heading back for the weekend, and probably Tim's brother will come in from ohio as well. that pretty much derailed me for the day, but it looks like things are doing better than can be expected. he winked in response to a question and squeezes hands and wiggles toes on request.

just heard on the news that one filipina may be deported because her immigration papers are not in order. after 23 year relationship with another woman, and 12 yr old twin boys. prop 8 sucks. if they had been a man and a woman, it would not have been an issue. the rights are not the same without the legal back-up.

this is my weekend to LA. and now i've added the may 16 trip to NY.

adam called this morning and we had a really wonderful brief chat. he is doing some kind of training yesterday and today, is having fun, doing well, etc etc. it will be good to see him and david and julia and audrey in 6 weeks.

woo hoo! they are appropriating Bernie Madoff's property. that is totally the least the feds can do. now the report is how credit cards are cancelling people's accounts and revoking any earned miles or reward points that have accumulated. so much for loyalty. after 23 years even. omg. this is ridiculous. but perhaps we have not seen the last of shenanigans.

i remembered to make photocopies of some pages from the prayerbook binder to take to group on monday. it is our last session before the 2 week break, conveniently located around passover and easter. i have volunteered to bring massive amounts of charoseth to the seder. i love pesach. and this year, more than any before, is steeped in such meaning and significance. i need to start getting out my books so i can do a modicum of preparation.

ok i can't take any more of the news. time for bed. tomorrow is another day.