>spraying sung, linda's fragrance, on the pillow
>at costco, buying a new camera and then eating an entire chocolate dipped toasted almond covered ice cream bar all by myself (the traditional meal was two hotdogs and sodas, followed by the ice cream, but i skipped the hotdog as i was going out to dinner.
not sure if it the humidity or the barometric pressure, but the cat is definitely affected by something. the forecast is for big storms tomorrow. amazing. last night he was doing crazy circles on the bed. on tonight's walk he saw something and got fluffy tailed. i picked him up and he bit me. out comes the antibiotic ointment and then i can pack it. his claws need clipping. i guess that's tomorrow.
the auxiliary suitcase of things to be donated in africa weighs only 38 pounds. lots of space for more. not sure if i'll reach weight or volume limitation first. bunches of shoes, sox, underwear, pillowcases and more. i think there are paper goods coming too cuz i have room.
and yet....
there is still much to do.
fortunately the cat has settle down so maybe i will get some sleep.
according to blogger's faithful counter, this is post #299. wow. time flies.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
when is lavender a neutral color?
well, if it's in my wardrobe, i guess. just ask my sister.
the biggest news is that my father, well, elinor's father, also, died peacefully on Tuesday night, October 6, 2009. while it was not totally unexpected, and he had been failing rather dramatically of late, the finality of it all is a tad overwhelming. this makes 4 in a row since march 2007 when my mother died.
it was pretty interesting how he choreographed it, in a sense. he told the cleaning lady that he had a dream in which my mother appeared and told him it was time. he got to see daniel and elinor and tom last weekend. he saw his doctor, his yoga teacher. and he waited until elinor and i got down to LA. (but only about 3 hours). amazing story.
the funeral was friday, 10/9 at noon. here is the obituary from the LA Times:
Jack Levine
Born in Lithuania, son of Freda and Rabbi Lipman Levine, he was raised in Brownsville, Brooklyn.
A long-time Santa Monica resident, Jack died peacefully at home. Jack and Ann came to California in the '40s where he first worked as a longshoreman. A graduate of UCLA law school and labor lawyer, he represented many unions and was the attorney for the committee that worked to save the Watts Towers in the '60s.
Jack loved classical music, especially symphonies and string quartets, and had a great appreciation for art. He will be remembered for his strong sense of ethics and social justice, and great kindness.
Predeceased by his wife, Ann, survived by daughters Deborah and Elinor, and grandsons Jeremy and Daniel. Services will be held at Hillside Memorial Park, 6001 W. Centinela, on Friday, October 9 at noon.
A celebration of Jack's life will be held at a later date.
or with the photo here:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/latimes/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=134140408
we are all doing pretty well ok. i came home to sj in time for simchat torah service and a lot of hugs. this morning's service was pretty amazing also. there is a yizkor (memorial) service as part of this week's shabbat morning service and it was so quiet when the words of the mourner's kaddish were recited. everyone there was thinking of particular individuals and could hardly get the words out.
then replaced the car battery (original equipment) which had drained as i had the cell phone in to charge while i was on a long distance call. ah well. i was close to the mechanics and it was really easy.
ah yes. so what's that about the neutral color?
elinor's flight was sooner than mine and she had not a lot of time at home to pack so she called requesting that i bring sox, thin ones. i grabbed several pairs. two of which were kind of lavender ... elinor is like linda in that there are palettes, grey, brown, black, blue. fortunately there was a pair of blue sox that went with the shirt, inside the black shoes of mine that elinor was able to wear. so yeah, lavender can be neutral, in my closet.
probably only need to do one load of laundry. took the packing list in. clothing is almost done. easy squeezy. so far. leaving on wednesday. that's the plan.
the biggest news is that my father, well, elinor's father, also, died peacefully on Tuesday night, October 6, 2009. while it was not totally unexpected, and he had been failing rather dramatically of late, the finality of it all is a tad overwhelming. this makes 4 in a row since march 2007 when my mother died.
it was pretty interesting how he choreographed it, in a sense. he told the cleaning lady that he had a dream in which my mother appeared and told him it was time. he got to see daniel and elinor and tom last weekend. he saw his doctor, his yoga teacher. and he waited until elinor and i got down to LA. (but only about 3 hours). amazing story.
the funeral was friday, 10/9 at noon. here is the obituary from the LA Times:
Jack Levine
Born in Lithuania, son of Freda and Rabbi Lipman Levine, he was raised in Brownsville, Brooklyn.
A long-time Santa Monica resident, Jack died peacefully at home. Jack and Ann came to California in the '40s where he first worked as a longshoreman. A graduate of UCLA law school and labor lawyer, he represented many unions and was the attorney for the committee that worked to save the Watts Towers in the '60s.
Jack loved classical music, especially symphonies and string quartets, and had a great appreciation for art. He will be remembered for his strong sense of ethics and social justice, and great kindness.
Predeceased by his wife, Ann, survived by daughters Deborah and Elinor, and grandsons Jeremy and Daniel. Services will be held at Hillside Memorial Park, 6001 W. Centinela, on Friday, October 9 at noon.
A celebration of Jack's life will be held at a later date.
or with the photo here:
http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/latimes/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=134140408
we are all doing pretty well ok. i came home to sj in time for simchat torah service and a lot of hugs. this morning's service was pretty amazing also. there is a yizkor (memorial) service as part of this week's shabbat morning service and it was so quiet when the words of the mourner's kaddish were recited. everyone there was thinking of particular individuals and could hardly get the words out.
then replaced the car battery (original equipment) which had drained as i had the cell phone in to charge while i was on a long distance call. ah well. i was close to the mechanics and it was really easy.
ah yes. so what's that about the neutral color?
elinor's flight was sooner than mine and she had not a lot of time at home to pack so she called requesting that i bring sox, thin ones. i grabbed several pairs. two of which were kind of lavender ... elinor is like linda in that there are palettes, grey, brown, black, blue. fortunately there was a pair of blue sox that went with the shirt, inside the black shoes of mine that elinor was able to wear. so yeah, lavender can be neutral, in my closet.
probably only need to do one load of laundry. took the packing list in. clothing is almost done. easy squeezy. so far. leaving on wednesday. that's the plan.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Yom Kippur is past, gardening, packing and more...
facebook takes a lot of time. i am neglecting the blog. apologies to the loyal readers out there, esp. those not on facebook.
yom kippur went well. lots of good reviews of the entire series. glad that part is over. for this year. there was a sense of calm that was so nice, thanks to the interim exec director. team effort, and all.
i'm working with the therapist who was the facilitator for the monday night partner loss grief support group. she calls it transition coaching. working to figure out where i am and where i want to go. not a lot of dwelling on the past. it seems to be going well. i really like her a lot.
today was very accomplishful, which is an indication of how well things are going. up early, bkfst with the boys, drive daniel to airport for his visit to santa monica. at home i cleaned out the car, took it for a vacuum and wash in the open bays of self-service, stopping at the farmers market on the way for a last foray into summer stone fruit (white nectarines, plums) for the next 10 days before i leave for africa. yes africa. there are people who do not know this. now you do. questions invited. kenya, 2 wks, with walking buddy who is africa specialist (this is her 23rd trip). great clip on 60 minutes tonite on the wildebeest migration. getting me ready.
started packing (actually putting stuff in suitcase, may have to adjust up one size) from the stuff i had set aside after washing laundry from israel trip. also taking some clothing to leave in africa. underwear. pants from thrift stores for me that don't fit. and leave the suitcase there.
then i went outside to check on the cat and my neighbors were out working in the front, replacing some plants by the sidewalk. i took this opportunity to work with company to deadhead the agapanthus (last year for this boring job) and take out a dead bush at the corner of the lot.
i really felt like i had earned my dinner, and also the shower that will be later.
reconnecting with linda's friend from law school, who has as her FB profile photo a picture with linda. very sweet. thank you. it is really lovely.
ketzl is playing with a piece of carrot stem on the kitchen floor. it is pretty funny. and probably better than plastic coffee stirrers, which he tends to chew on and most likely ingest. :( i need to remember this.
yom kippur went well. lots of good reviews of the entire series. glad that part is over. for this year. there was a sense of calm that was so nice, thanks to the interim exec director. team effort, and all.
i'm working with the therapist who was the facilitator for the monday night partner loss grief support group. she calls it transition coaching. working to figure out where i am and where i want to go. not a lot of dwelling on the past. it seems to be going well. i really like her a lot.
today was very accomplishful, which is an indication of how well things are going. up early, bkfst with the boys, drive daniel to airport for his visit to santa monica. at home i cleaned out the car, took it for a vacuum and wash in the open bays of self-service, stopping at the farmers market on the way for a last foray into summer stone fruit (white nectarines, plums) for the next 10 days before i leave for africa. yes africa. there are people who do not know this. now you do. questions invited. kenya, 2 wks, with walking buddy who is africa specialist (this is her 23rd trip). great clip on 60 minutes tonite on the wildebeest migration. getting me ready.
started packing (actually putting stuff in suitcase, may have to adjust up one size) from the stuff i had set aside after washing laundry from israel trip. also taking some clothing to leave in africa. underwear. pants from thrift stores for me that don't fit. and leave the suitcase there.
then i went outside to check on the cat and my neighbors were out working in the front, replacing some plants by the sidewalk. i took this opportunity to work with company to deadhead the agapanthus (last year for this boring job) and take out a dead bush at the corner of the lot.
i really felt like i had earned my dinner, and also the shower that will be later.
reconnecting with linda's friend from law school, who has as her FB profile photo a picture with linda. very sweet. thank you. it is really lovely.
ketzl is playing with a piece of carrot stem on the kitchen floor. it is pretty funny. and probably better than plastic coffee stirrers, which he tends to chew on and most likely ingest. :( i need to remember this.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
wicked was great
of COURSE it was.
with Patty Duke playing Miss Morrible. she was fantastic too.
understudy for Elphaba was terrific. it is a great show. costumes, music, story. linda was a huge fan of Stephen Schwartz. it was so much fun to share it with Audrey. and then a lovely dinner with Fran at her house on the way home. perfect timing. then back to the house to pick up Aud's bags and then to the airport. she had the trifecta returning home: no a/c in the building, no hot water, and a rodent of some kind in her apartment. yikes.
and Cheech and Chong were seriously on my flight home from LA. one of the gate agents took a photo with them but otherwise pretty unassuming. they did not sit together. Cheech was in the row ahead of me on the aisle.
i now let people bring down my suitcase from the overhead bin. always.
with Patty Duke playing Miss Morrible. she was fantastic too.
understudy for Elphaba was terrific. it is a great show. costumes, music, story. linda was a huge fan of Stephen Schwartz. it was so much fun to share it with Audrey. and then a lovely dinner with Fran at her house on the way home. perfect timing. then back to the house to pick up Aud's bags and then to the airport. she had the trifecta returning home: no a/c in the building, no hot water, and a rodent of some kind in her apartment. yikes.
and Cheech and Chong were seriously on my flight home from LA. one of the gate agents took a photo with them but otherwise pretty unassuming. they did not sit together. Cheech was in the row ahead of me on the aisle.
i now let people bring down my suitcase from the overhead bin. always.
woo hoo, 4 of 4 over and it wasn't too hot!
things went very well. smoothly. calm. etc. wonderful.
on my way home from break-the-fast, with a torah in the back of my car, i drove on capitol expwy and was reminded of an early conversation with Linda. she had taken her car to the dealership and i was to come pick her up. she didn't have the exact address so i said, how will i know where you are? and she looked out the window and said, "it's the one with the big american flag." the joke here is that EVERY dealership on capital expwy has a huge american flag. what was then Bob Lewis hyundai took good care of her car. and we had some nice meals at a handmade noodle shop nearby, including mango chicken i recall.
adam broke his fast with wonton soup, spareribs and general tsao's chicken with brocolli. yum. a meal linda would have enjoyed.
so the high holy days are almost behind us. rabbi points out that there are still sukkot and simchat torah to come. but the large piece, involving LOTS of bodies, is pretty much over except for the debriefing. phew.
now can i start getting excited about going to Africa? not quite sure yet, tho i have begun setting aside things to pack. which is good.
ketzl is such a good fellow. he is up by my side instead of the usual toward the bottom of the bed. just licked my hand around the corner of the computer. silly guy. there are asparagus on his breakfast menu.
on the schedule in the time before i go: mammogram and bone density test. i am taking care of myself.
on my way home from break-the-fast, with a torah in the back of my car, i drove on capitol expwy and was reminded of an early conversation with Linda. she had taken her car to the dealership and i was to come pick her up. she didn't have the exact address so i said, how will i know where you are? and she looked out the window and said, "it's the one with the big american flag." the joke here is that EVERY dealership on capital expwy has a huge american flag. what was then Bob Lewis hyundai took good care of her car. and we had some nice meals at a handmade noodle shop nearby, including mango chicken i recall.
adam broke his fast with wonton soup, spareribs and general tsao's chicken with brocolli. yum. a meal linda would have enjoyed.
so the high holy days are almost behind us. rabbi points out that there are still sukkot and simchat torah to come. but the large piece, involving LOTS of bodies, is pretty much over except for the debriefing. phew.
now can i start getting excited about going to Africa? not quite sure yet, tho i have begun setting aside things to pack. which is good.
ketzl is such a good fellow. he is up by my side instead of the usual toward the bottom of the bed. just licked my hand around the corner of the computer. silly guy. there are asparagus on his breakfast menu.
on the schedule in the time before i go: mammogram and bone density test. i am taking care of myself.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
high holidays and hosting Audrey
yes it has been another long gap. no quite so long. no other writing yet. busy. someone tonight said i had the busiest social schedule of anyone he knows. really?
so we are now 2 of 4. rosh hashanah was last week. yom kippur coming up on sunday night. things are smoothly moving along. it's all good.
balancing activities, different people, well most of the usual suspects. and of course the food. it revolves around foodings. after services, before services. (not during) so far: sonoma chicken coop, outback, aqui, and the two major dinners, tonight at merit vegetarian and sunday at mandarin gourmet. plus movies: julie and julia (excellent) and the informant! (fun, fluffy, nice cameos with the smothers brothers; matt damon in an ill=fitting toupee, etc.). and manicures. some of this was done as seeking air conditioning even tho it didn't get nearly as hot as it was supposed to, which was great and totally fine by me.
but tomorrow: matinee of WICKED. great tickets purchased today. grateful to my work for allowing me to take an extra half day off in this slightly crazed time. i am really excited!
a vacation stuck in amongst the busy time.
not quite doing all the official work that is supposed to be accomplished in this 10 day period. but making progress. that's important.
from a slide show someone sent recently where there were some nice quotes (i should go back and check for accuracy, but the gist is here):
try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
each morning figure out what your purpose is for that day.
iife is too short to waste energy hating someone.
life isn't fair but it is good.
ok here's the link to the full set
http://www.lshs64.com/enjoytheride.html
having to get up early in the morning
this is all i have brains for tonight.
so we are now 2 of 4. rosh hashanah was last week. yom kippur coming up on sunday night. things are smoothly moving along. it's all good.
balancing activities, different people, well most of the usual suspects. and of course the food. it revolves around foodings. after services, before services. (not during) so far: sonoma chicken coop, outback, aqui, and the two major dinners, tonight at merit vegetarian and sunday at mandarin gourmet. plus movies: julie and julia (excellent) and the informant! (fun, fluffy, nice cameos with the smothers brothers; matt damon in an ill=fitting toupee, etc.). and manicures. some of this was done as seeking air conditioning even tho it didn't get nearly as hot as it was supposed to, which was great and totally fine by me.
but tomorrow: matinee of WICKED. great tickets purchased today. grateful to my work for allowing me to take an extra half day off in this slightly crazed time. i am really excited!
a vacation stuck in amongst the busy time.
not quite doing all the official work that is supposed to be accomplished in this 10 day period. but making progress. that's important.
from a slide show someone sent recently where there were some nice quotes (i should go back and check for accuracy, but the gist is here):
try to make at least 3 people smile each day.
each morning figure out what your purpose is for that day.
iife is too short to waste energy hating someone.
life isn't fair but it is good.
ok here's the link to the full set
http://www.lshs64.com/enjoytheride.html
having to get up early in the morning
this is all i have brains for tonight.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
how do i pick up after so long a break?
someone noticed and commented offline that there have not been any updates for a while now. i also saw someone else who expressed concern about how difficult it is to decide what to include after such a hiatus. while the break was nice, i realize that i really need to be doing more writing ... whether here or in a handwritten journal or in another electronic format.
part of the reason for not posting is the approach of the high holy days and the return of the rabbi from sabbatical. things have been "crazy-busy" at work. it will all come together and we will be fine, but there are another 5 days to go. yoiks.
so what's been going on, besides the work?
it is related to the coming time of introspection. i'm trying to do it pretty rigorously this year. more than ever before. it is supposed to be a time of examining oneself, one's actions over the past year. making serious plans to change and do things differently in the coming year. to return to the proper path. there's lots about forgiveness. between rosh hashanah and yom kippur, we are supposed to go to each person we think we have harmed in some way, consciously or unconsciously, with our words or actions, by acts of commission or omission... so i'll be in touch with a lot of people in the next 10 days.
we are all works in progress. and there is the possibility for change and redemption. cf the life of Senator Edward Kennedy. but one needs to be actively aware of the need to make adjustments when things are not working. there was a nice study session with a couple of interesting checklists to work on as we approach the coming "days of awe." today was kever avot, visiting our ancestors, a small service at the cemetery, starting in the chapel and then moving down to Home of Peace, owned by Temple Emanu-El and a clear piece of Jewish land. i have lots of friends who are there, along with the founders of the synagogue. it is always comforting to me to be there, walking around, cleaning up a bit, finding people i was looking for, and others i didn't know i would find. i said hello for people who might not have been able to come visit today. it feels important to do this annually, at least at kever avot.
i have started seeing privately the facilitator of the monday night group. she bills herself as a transition coach, with a limited time frame (interrupted by the holidays and the trip to africa 2nd half of october, but it felt more important to start sooner than waiting until november).
my sister-in-law arrives on wednesday evening for a week. that will be fun, to have someone here. i enjoy my time here and am not uncomfortable being alone in the house, but it is quiet and i will welcome the company.
my wonderful cat let me clip most of his front claws today. good kitty.
so not sure if this qualifies as a good catch-up. the best i can do at the moment.
part of the reason for not posting is the approach of the high holy days and the return of the rabbi from sabbatical. things have been "crazy-busy" at work. it will all come together and we will be fine, but there are another 5 days to go. yoiks.
so what's been going on, besides the work?
it is related to the coming time of introspection. i'm trying to do it pretty rigorously this year. more than ever before. it is supposed to be a time of examining oneself, one's actions over the past year. making serious plans to change and do things differently in the coming year. to return to the proper path. there's lots about forgiveness. between rosh hashanah and yom kippur, we are supposed to go to each person we think we have harmed in some way, consciously or unconsciously, with our words or actions, by acts of commission or omission... so i'll be in touch with a lot of people in the next 10 days.
we are all works in progress. and there is the possibility for change and redemption. cf the life of Senator Edward Kennedy. but one needs to be actively aware of the need to make adjustments when things are not working. there was a nice study session with a couple of interesting checklists to work on as we approach the coming "days of awe." today was kever avot, visiting our ancestors, a small service at the cemetery, starting in the chapel and then moving down to Home of Peace, owned by Temple Emanu-El and a clear piece of Jewish land. i have lots of friends who are there, along with the founders of the synagogue. it is always comforting to me to be there, walking around, cleaning up a bit, finding people i was looking for, and others i didn't know i would find. i said hello for people who might not have been able to come visit today. it feels important to do this annually, at least at kever avot.
i have started seeing privately the facilitator of the monday night group. she bills herself as a transition coach, with a limited time frame (interrupted by the holidays and the trip to africa 2nd half of october, but it felt more important to start sooner than waiting until november).
my sister-in-law arrives on wednesday evening for a week. that will be fun, to have someone here. i enjoy my time here and am not uncomfortable being alone in the house, but it is quiet and i will welcome the company.
my wonderful cat let me clip most of his front claws today. good kitty.
so not sure if this qualifies as a good catch-up. the best i can do at the moment.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
baseball update -- go Giants
so yes there was polenta at siena
then last night 18 of us gathered at SJ Municipal Stadium to watch (mostly) the giants defeat Visalia Rawhide. the giants are way out in front. dinners were yummy, i brought unsalted peanuts that got demolished nicely. highlight of the evening (besides the cake i brought from the ballpark, required) was when four of us competed in the "musical chairs" event down on the field. rochelle was the winner!! it was a great evening. good choice to buy the cake. they have a big knife. but no candles. i had matches. we improvised (last year was the french fry menorah) with one toothpick in paper wrapper. worked pretty well. that was the only really difficult part, singing happy birthday to linda. but we did it. new faces. mostly old faces. good to be together.
today was cpr training at the office. first time for me. ok now. not sure i want ever to use it.
i'm tired. need to shower before getting into clean sheets. it was good being home this weekend. but then i won't be here this weekend. it's a pretty amazing cycle. if i'm here, then i won't be next weekend. very simple. santa monica is still beautiful but the visits are getting a tad more difficult for both me and elinor.
Ted Kennedy has died. what a loss. a true liberal champion.
then last night 18 of us gathered at SJ Municipal Stadium to watch (mostly) the giants defeat Visalia Rawhide. the giants are way out in front. dinners were yummy, i brought unsalted peanuts that got demolished nicely. highlight of the evening (besides the cake i brought from the ballpark, required) was when four of us competed in the "musical chairs" event down on the field. rochelle was the winner!! it was a great evening. good choice to buy the cake. they have a big knife. but no candles. i had matches. we improvised (last year was the french fry menorah) with one toothpick in paper wrapper. worked pretty well. that was the only really difficult part, singing happy birthday to linda. but we did it. new faces. mostly old faces. good to be together.
today was cpr training at the office. first time for me. ok now. not sure i want ever to use it.
i'm tired. need to shower before getting into clean sheets. it was good being home this weekend. but then i won't be here this weekend. it's a pretty amazing cycle. if i'm here, then i won't be next weekend. very simple. santa monica is still beautiful but the visits are getting a tad more difficult for both me and elinor.
Ted Kennedy has died. what a loss. a true liberal champion.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
290 posts, but who's counting?
well, blogger is. counting.
so monday is the 3rd annual Linda B. Klein Birthday Baseball Bash. I've decided to order a cake. the garlic fries were less than satisfactory last year. some of the regulars won't be with us physically. we may need to resort to cell phones for connection. it will have some new elements in the group as well as the same old reliable faces. weekday night is not so great.
tomorrow night i'm going out to dinner to a place that Linda and I used to frequent. that will be nice. hoping for polenta. yum. or mushroom soup. double yum. not wanting to be alone on Linda's actual birthday, i solicited a dinner invitation, and it worked. woo hoo.
had a long phone conversation this morning with a very old friend (well he is older than i am) whose wife is now pretty actively dying after being sick for more than 10 years. it was an interesting and pretty far-reaching conversation.
i am looking forward to a lot of things, and that feels good:
dinner tomorrow; writing in silence workshop saturday; dinner in bkly sunday; monday baseball game ... keeping busy.
on the to-do list beside the regular maintenance things: find a drumming class; do more writing; maybe find a tai chi class (or xi gong as some call it). a personal recommendations would be nice. i think i need to put those out there more and see if anyone has had good experiences.
smoothly. i like when things go mostly smoothly.
there is an unruffledness that feels good even as the panic begins to rise briefly. elements of the high holy days are coming together nicely and that is excellent.
garbage is more than taking the barrels out of the garage. cleaning the litter box is on the agenda tonight as well. there are critters back in the garage and overhead. not good. not liking that part. maybe i'll find someone to do a variety of small tasks around here: new shower head, critter traps (and retrieval?), deadheading the agapanthus in front. a list. no time.
fresh tofu is so delicious. maybe that's the after garbage snack tonight!
so monday is the 3rd annual Linda B. Klein Birthday Baseball Bash. I've decided to order a cake. the garlic fries were less than satisfactory last year. some of the regulars won't be with us physically. we may need to resort to cell phones for connection. it will have some new elements in the group as well as the same old reliable faces. weekday night is not so great.
tomorrow night i'm going out to dinner to a place that Linda and I used to frequent. that will be nice. hoping for polenta. yum. or mushroom soup. double yum. not wanting to be alone on Linda's actual birthday, i solicited a dinner invitation, and it worked. woo hoo.
had a long phone conversation this morning with a very old friend (well he is older than i am) whose wife is now pretty actively dying after being sick for more than 10 years. it was an interesting and pretty far-reaching conversation.
i am looking forward to a lot of things, and that feels good:
dinner tomorrow; writing in silence workshop saturday; dinner in bkly sunday; monday baseball game ... keeping busy.
on the to-do list beside the regular maintenance things: find a drumming class; do more writing; maybe find a tai chi class (or xi gong as some call it). a personal recommendations would be nice. i think i need to put those out there more and see if anyone has had good experiences.
smoothly. i like when things go mostly smoothly.
there is an unruffledness that feels good even as the panic begins to rise briefly. elements of the high holy days are coming together nicely and that is excellent.
garbage is more than taking the barrels out of the garage. cleaning the litter box is on the agenda tonight as well. there are critters back in the garage and overhead. not good. not liking that part. maybe i'll find someone to do a variety of small tasks around here: new shower head, critter traps (and retrieval?), deadheading the agapanthus in front. a list. no time.
fresh tofu is so delicious. maybe that's the after garbage snack tonight!
Monday, August 17, 2009
i am getting way behind here
so the home weekend was very productive. i miss that already. i need more.
so this weekend was another short visit to santa monica. things are declining a lot lately, which is difficult. both physically and mentally, my father is getting weaker. we are so fortunate to have the caregivers we do. they are so sweet and gentle with him.
saturday before i flew down was my first ever visit to Filoli Gardens in Woodside, with our tour guide being an old (literally) friend who has been a docent there for more than 20 years. he is 5 days younger than my father. that is sometimes difficult because he has all his marbles, charles does. the comparison is tough.
talking last night with someone about last year's high holy days and then this year's coming up and i realized (well i knew already) that it starts in less than a month. o dear o dear o dear. panic may set in now in full bloom.
last night on the walk with ketzl after i got home from the airport, the lawn sprinklers were on next door. ketzl alternately batted at and tried to drink from them. it was pretty hysterical.
this coming saturday, i'm taking a post-grief writing workshop with the woman who was the facilitator for the partner loss support group. that should be very interesting. i need to get back to writing.
and tomorrow is a significant date: it was my parents' wedding anniversary, from 1940. wow. and it is the day that Linda arrived in California for her first visit, ten years ago: August 18, 1999. also wow.
so this weekend was another short visit to santa monica. things are declining a lot lately, which is difficult. both physically and mentally, my father is getting weaker. we are so fortunate to have the caregivers we do. they are so sweet and gentle with him.
saturday before i flew down was my first ever visit to Filoli Gardens in Woodside, with our tour guide being an old (literally) friend who has been a docent there for more than 20 years. he is 5 days younger than my father. that is sometimes difficult because he has all his marbles, charles does. the comparison is tough.
talking last night with someone about last year's high holy days and then this year's coming up and i realized (well i knew already) that it starts in less than a month. o dear o dear o dear. panic may set in now in full bloom.
last night on the walk with ketzl after i got home from the airport, the lawn sprinklers were on next door. ketzl alternately batted at and tried to drink from them. it was pretty hysterical.
this coming saturday, i'm taking a post-grief writing workshop with the woman who was the facilitator for the partner loss support group. that should be very interesting. i need to get back to writing.
and tomorrow is a significant date: it was my parents' wedding anniversary, from 1940. wow. and it is the day that Linda arrived in California for her first visit, ten years ago: August 18, 1999. also wow.
Friday, August 7, 2009
more on the blog
so there was a reminder in LBK821's yahoo inbox that may have been prompted by Aud's poking around. but i think i also successfully downloaded the entire blog in compressed form. that's the hope. i know Aud got it also. nice to know. i spent about an hour cleaning out some irrelevant stuff in the inbox. i need to figure out a way to get linda's calendar reminders to come to me. not sure that will be possible but i've missed a LOT of birthdays in july. for those of you i missed, i do apologize.
so this is my first weekend home in 5 weeks. amazing. so much needs to be done. it will be nice to have concentrated chunks of time. laundry, vacuuming, letting ketzl in and out at will and other mundanities. he will like that a lot. laid in some nice foodstuffs from trader joes. ketzl likes honeydew melon as well as cantaloupe. woo hoo.
so this is my first weekend home in 5 weeks. amazing. so much needs to be done. it will be nice to have concentrated chunks of time. laundry, vacuuming, letting ketzl in and out at will and other mundanities. he will like that a lot. laid in some nice foodstuffs from trader joes. ketzl likes honeydew melon as well as cantaloupe. woo hoo.
linda's blog
thx to my sister for alerting me to the fact that yahoo360 where linda's blog was hosted is no longer functioning. but thanks to Jeff for pulling all the data off beforehand. i have until aug 19 to move it myself to a different location. i'll see if i can make that work.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
how powerful is the sense of smell...
tonight as i was driving home, i was struck by the sweet smell of kettle corn. there is a man who lives a block away with a kettle in his garage. i think he sells it at farmers markets and similar places. the smell is so distinctive. and it makes me miss Linda a lot. she was the queen of kettle corn (well, the queen of f**king everything, according to the magnet on the fridge, and now according to the mug which was brought to me from england!) but definitely the master of regular popcorn and more recently kettle corn. i would be completely unable to stop eating it. a bag or a bowl would simply sit there in my lap, and my right hand would move, reflexively, back and forth, from bowl to mouth, until it was all gone. many times Linda would make a batch on the stove (after she got used to the differences with an electric burner) and we would contentedly munch the slightly salty, slightly sweet kernels. yum.
tonight on NPR there was a Radio Lab broadcast on choice. and a small snippet with Malcolm Gladwell on his new book "The Outliers," people who are successful. the show on choice was very interesting. i learned that the part of the brain which registers warmth (temperature) is right next to the part which registers trust. this goes back to our infancies, where we need to trust that which keeps us warm, as in survival. psychologists have done studies where someone who holds a warm cup of coffee is more likely to have a positive view of a photograph or description of someone, than a person who holds (even momentarily) a cup of iced coffee. another snippet was about choice: if we have to describe why we chose something, it affects the choice process itself (we choose differently and possibly less sophisticated) than if we can make the choice without explanation. very interesting stuff. researchers ask intriguing questions.
this weekend will be my first at "home" in 5 weeks. wow. that in itself is remarkable. hopefully i will have something to show for that. i have goals.
tonight on NPR there was a Radio Lab broadcast on choice. and a small snippet with Malcolm Gladwell on his new book "The Outliers," people who are successful. the show on choice was very interesting. i learned that the part of the brain which registers warmth (temperature) is right next to the part which registers trust. this goes back to our infancies, where we need to trust that which keeps us warm, as in survival. psychologists have done studies where someone who holds a warm cup of coffee is more likely to have a positive view of a photograph or description of someone, than a person who holds (even momentarily) a cup of iced coffee. another snippet was about choice: if we have to describe why we chose something, it affects the choice process itself (we choose differently and possibly less sophisticated) than if we can make the choice without explanation. very interesting stuff. researchers ask intriguing questions.
this weekend will be my first at "home" in 5 weeks. wow. that in itself is remarkable. hopefully i will have something to show for that. i have goals.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
time flying by revisited
wow. another week flew. lots going on. at work we are getting ready for things that i will not mention lest i get terrified.
nice meal at Xanh in Mt. View: mostly vietnamese, excellent modern presentations (ahi tartare over dry ice, very steamy). yum. got recommendations from the waiter for the next two meals.
back in santa monica. right now there is someone blaring from a car stereo i think. wonder how long it will take before someone calls the cops. i know it is partly how sound moves up to the 5th floor, but it is LOUD. perhaps it is from the building lower down? i can't tell. but it is loud.
so in the last two weeks i have given away 3 business cards on airplanes. let's look at the similarities of the recipients. on the return flight from Israel to NY, there were two ultra-orthodox young women, returning from their first trip to Israel. they live in Brooklyn, and now, having graduated from high school, they will begin teaching. one loves chemistry and math. they wear long sleeves, high necks. they have no internet access, and they are OK with it. some of the students in their school come from less observant homes and they see how much yucky stuff is "out there." i gave them my card and said i would reply if they wrote to me. they were perfectly fine chatting with me, obviously not observant, wearing pants, short sleeves, etc. they were very nice. next: on the flight down to LA there was a group of muslim women who have been at stanford and now coming to play in SoCalif. some of them are younger and not wearing headscarves. they were bouncing to music on an ipod. but the woman i sit next to is a bit older. she wears a head scarf. she lives in riyadh, saudi arabia. she also does not have internet access, no email. she teaches 7-12 year olds. she has 2 sisters and one brother. and lots of nieces and nephews, but she is not married. women do not vote. she is ok with that for now. hopefully one day it will change, she says. i gave her my card as well. so at the poles, ultra=orthodox jews from brooklyn and a muslim from saudia arabia now have cards from a reform synagogue in california. the experience made me feel bold. whatever happens.
things are slowing down here. and i leave early tomorrow (late morning instead of evening) to return to the sj giants jewish heritage evening. keep your fingers crossed cuz it is going to be madness. hopefully we will all survive and live to tell the story, and i'll blog about it later.
nice meal at Xanh in Mt. View: mostly vietnamese, excellent modern presentations (ahi tartare over dry ice, very steamy). yum. got recommendations from the waiter for the next two meals.
back in santa monica. right now there is someone blaring from a car stereo i think. wonder how long it will take before someone calls the cops. i know it is partly how sound moves up to the 5th floor, but it is LOUD. perhaps it is from the building lower down? i can't tell. but it is loud.
so in the last two weeks i have given away 3 business cards on airplanes. let's look at the similarities of the recipients. on the return flight from Israel to NY, there were two ultra-orthodox young women, returning from their first trip to Israel. they live in Brooklyn, and now, having graduated from high school, they will begin teaching. one loves chemistry and math. they wear long sleeves, high necks. they have no internet access, and they are OK with it. some of the students in their school come from less observant homes and they see how much yucky stuff is "out there." i gave them my card and said i would reply if they wrote to me. they were perfectly fine chatting with me, obviously not observant, wearing pants, short sleeves, etc. they were very nice. next: on the flight down to LA there was a group of muslim women who have been at stanford and now coming to play in SoCalif. some of them are younger and not wearing headscarves. they were bouncing to music on an ipod. but the woman i sit next to is a bit older. she wears a head scarf. she lives in riyadh, saudi arabia. she also does not have internet access, no email. she teaches 7-12 year olds. she has 2 sisters and one brother. and lots of nieces and nephews, but she is not married. women do not vote. she is ok with that for now. hopefully one day it will change, she says. i gave her my card as well. so at the poles, ultra=orthodox jews from brooklyn and a muslim from saudia arabia now have cards from a reform synagogue in california. the experience made me feel bold. whatever happens.
things are slowing down here. and i leave early tomorrow (late morning instead of evening) to return to the sj giants jewish heritage evening. keep your fingers crossed cuz it is going to be madness. hopefully we will all survive and live to tell the story, and i'll blog about it later.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
time flying by....
so i'm mostly back. the week went quickly, almost a day off again. lots of changes in the office, which seem to be going smoothly, thank goodness.
and now i'm back in santa monica, where the morning started out with the continuous grey, no line between ocean and sky, and the waves are really huge and crashing. there is a surfing contest in huntington beach and the waves are ten feet. wow. not like the mediterranean, that's for sure.
random noticings: on the freeway on friday i saw a bright blue tesla car. wow. on the taxi ride from the airport, i saw a bright sign "open 24 hours" except there was a fence at the street, so not open at all. the nectarines from the tree in the front look blotchy again this year, but when peeled taste really yummy. i'm still pretty darn tired and should probably go to sleep now so i can get up early and go to the ocean. as always, it's important to remember the blessings in my life.
and now i'm back in santa monica, where the morning started out with the continuous grey, no line between ocean and sky, and the waves are really huge and crashing. there is a surfing contest in huntington beach and the waves are ten feet. wow. not like the mediterranean, that's for sure.
random noticings: on the freeway on friday i saw a bright blue tesla car. wow. on the taxi ride from the airport, i saw a bright sign "open 24 hours" except there was a fence at the street, so not open at all. the nectarines from the tree in the front look blotchy again this year, but when peeled taste really yummy. i'm still pretty darn tired and should probably go to sleep now so i can get up early and go to the ocean. as always, it's important to remember the blessings in my life.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
very briefly...
for some unknown reason, i was unable to access the blog while on the trip in Israel. maybe because all the computers i know there speak only in hebrew to blogger? who knows.
anyway, i am physically back though confused as to why i was often one day off on my calculations (not always in the same direction). i thought i was getting back on tuesday, but it was monday (well it started very early) and i made it after the usual drama of short delay in take-off, long wait for bags which needed to be retrieved and gone through customs, released to the airline so they could transfer, airtrain to the other terminal, back through security again, and home. phew.
ketzl is happy to see me, i think, tho a bit frisky this morning. maybe i should take him for a walk. not sure if anyone did while i was gone. i also need to clip his claws.
short version of the trip:
the first two weeks were organized tour with rabbi and his family, a total of 19. good size group. excellent tour guide and driver. the last 5 days were with family and friends, and happily included one more dunk in the mediterranean, making nice bookends from the first day in tel aviv when we arrived. lots of pictures, lots of stories. we did some of the same things as daniel and i had done 12 years ago like Tel Dan and rafting on the Jordan River. visited Tel Aviv, Haifa, Caesarea, kibbutzim up north near the Lebanon and Syrian borders, Jerusalem and the obligatory trips to Masada, the Dead Sea and Ein Gedi spring. pretty busy scheduling but time for meals on our own which we often did in groups, and shopping. there was a running joke that i was trying to rescue the economy of israel single-handedly. well, i did my best, and the proof was that i needed to purchase a new 28" suitcase (at ACE hardware of all places) to bring it all home.
so i'm home, welcoming emails and phone calls for anyone who wants more detail.
it will take a while for me to be really back.
anyway, i am physically back though confused as to why i was often one day off on my calculations (not always in the same direction). i thought i was getting back on tuesday, but it was monday (well it started very early) and i made it after the usual drama of short delay in take-off, long wait for bags which needed to be retrieved and gone through customs, released to the airline so they could transfer, airtrain to the other terminal, back through security again, and home. phew.
ketzl is happy to see me, i think, tho a bit frisky this morning. maybe i should take him for a walk. not sure if anyone did while i was gone. i also need to clip his claws.
short version of the trip:
the first two weeks were organized tour with rabbi and his family, a total of 19. good size group. excellent tour guide and driver. the last 5 days were with family and friends, and happily included one more dunk in the mediterranean, making nice bookends from the first day in tel aviv when we arrived. lots of pictures, lots of stories. we did some of the same things as daniel and i had done 12 years ago like Tel Dan and rafting on the Jordan River. visited Tel Aviv, Haifa, Caesarea, kibbutzim up north near the Lebanon and Syrian borders, Jerusalem and the obligatory trips to Masada, the Dead Sea and Ein Gedi spring. pretty busy scheduling but time for meals on our own which we often did in groups, and shopping. there was a running joke that i was trying to rescue the economy of israel single-handedly. well, i did my best, and the proof was that i needed to purchase a new 28" suitcase (at ACE hardware of all places) to bring it all home.
so i'm home, welcoming emails and phone calls for anyone who wants more detail.
it will take a while for me to be really back.
Monday, June 29, 2009
counting down...one more work day...
and it's still really too hot inside. fans working hard, windows open appropriately (remember i trained with the Queen of Airflow).
things are pretty much packed except for toiletries in the suitcsse. carryon is mostly ready. i'm a bit daunted by the 'one last day' thing that is tomorrow. paperwork in order. cell phone won't be happening ... but i will have some access to email. i have two small books in which to write. a list of things to bring home. i have batteries for the camera all charged up. i need to find the small soft case with a drawstring that holds the camera and stuff. plus the battery charger and adapter plug. and phone cord because i will take it as backup camera and alarm. is that silly?
and then there was the special request from Elyse...kraft macaroni and cheese. not annie's shells with white cheddar. the regular stuff. the cheesiest. perhaps we chalk it up to pregnancy cravings but she says it's just the normal one for her. so there are 5 boxes packed now. happy to help.
house/cat-sitter came by tonite to check on things. things are ok. key still works. it's all good. except for the one last day at work thing. things will be fine, i know. important to get accustomed to me not there, i think. in some ways it's good to be part of the woodwork, and in others a bit of a burden. balance. balance is good.
how am i progressing in this second year? well, i think. ready to start thinking about (is that oblique enough?) maybe looking for someone to be with. it is lonely being alone. i don't mind being alone, just not all the time. by nature i am a very social being (a social butterfly, even). and not having someone to share day to day as well as special times is not my preference...at least not in the long run. i still feel very supported by all my friends "out there" but it is not the same, y'all know that.
well, ketzl has been most patient but i think he's ready for a walk. he must have slept all day because the cantaloupe was not finished when i got home. it was 83 degrees inside when i got home. not an acceptable indoor temperature. but i'm working on fixing that with airflow (see above).
things are pretty much packed except for toiletries in the suitcsse. carryon is mostly ready. i'm a bit daunted by the 'one last day' thing that is tomorrow. paperwork in order. cell phone won't be happening ... but i will have some access to email. i have two small books in which to write. a list of things to bring home. i have batteries for the camera all charged up. i need to find the small soft case with a drawstring that holds the camera and stuff. plus the battery charger and adapter plug. and phone cord because i will take it as backup camera and alarm. is that silly?
and then there was the special request from Elyse...kraft macaroni and cheese. not annie's shells with white cheddar. the regular stuff. the cheesiest. perhaps we chalk it up to pregnancy cravings but she says it's just the normal one for her. so there are 5 boxes packed now. happy to help.
house/cat-sitter came by tonite to check on things. things are ok. key still works. it's all good. except for the one last day at work thing. things will be fine, i know. important to get accustomed to me not there, i think. in some ways it's good to be part of the woodwork, and in others a bit of a burden. balance. balance is good.
how am i progressing in this second year? well, i think. ready to start thinking about (is that oblique enough?) maybe looking for someone to be with. it is lonely being alone. i don't mind being alone, just not all the time. by nature i am a very social being (a social butterfly, even). and not having someone to share day to day as well as special times is not my preference...at least not in the long run. i still feel very supported by all my friends "out there" but it is not the same, y'all know that.
well, ketzl has been most patient but i think he's ready for a walk. he must have slept all day because the cantaloupe was not finished when i got home. it was 83 degrees inside when i got home. not an acceptable indoor temperature. but i'm working on fixing that with airflow (see above).
Saturday, June 20, 2009
busy week means no blogging
it is really hitting me that (as of today) i have 7 work days before i leave for israel. that means a lot of head down/hunkering to get stuff done. at work and at home. progress is being made. also working on the physical body (chiropractor and acupuncture) to deal with some misalignments etc. more next week. in the meantime, ice and ibuprofen.
back in santa monica where things are ok. tomorrow is father's day. how lovely that i get to spend it here.
the group that planned the dedication of the mikvah (ritual bath) at the JCC in Los Gatos had a dinner to celebrate and debrief. it was lovely. this week dinner plans include jeremy and daniel on thursday (working around jeremy's soccer commitments). last night was the hysterical show of silicon valley gay men's chorus and kinsey sicks, "america's favorite dragapella beautyshop quartet," of which there is nothing like it/them. ever. fortunately the people i had brought with me did not feel i had oversold KS. omg. wonderful, as always. and we were in the second row, on the right. www.kinseysicks.com or www.svgmc.org if you are interested in more. it was wonderful to see jeff and razmik. we have been out of touch of late and there is too much drama to relate. everyone is ok now, mostly.
hopefully, my 2nd cousin is coming over tomorrow morning with her two adorable girls. even a brief visit will be nice. then maybe the deli for lunch. that seems to be one place where we can reliably go. then perhaps to the co-op health food store where i can get stuff to take with (they have the new blueberry blast luna bar, and hopefully some tofu jerky and energy nuggets).
in the second year now
i have still not gone back to as much jewelry as i used to wear... taking it all off for the mikvah was interesting. i've found some nice new rings (different colors, nice stones) which i have started wearing. it is a much more conscious thing now.
our fearless leader from the monday night group reminded me of her bus analogy. i've related this before but i think it bears re-telling. people we lose who are dear to us are passengers on our bus. at first, soon after the death, they sit beside us. we are aware of their presence at all times. but later, they move around. sometimes in front, across the aisle, or maybe a few rows back. sometimes we see them, other times they are out of sight. but they never get off our bus. they are always there. so maybe it just takes tuning in to find out where they are located at any given point in time.
tuesday is a bocce ball celebration of the one year anniversary of the death of the husband of someone from group. we will be there to support CC, of course accompanied by food, along with bocce. i'm looking forward to it.
the apricot tree is in full harvest mode. i brought maybe 4 pounds down with me, along with the 4 boxes of Aussie bites which apparently are not available at Costco down here. i'm doing my best to keep people happy.
back in santa monica where things are ok. tomorrow is father's day. how lovely that i get to spend it here.
the group that planned the dedication of the mikvah (ritual bath) at the JCC in Los Gatos had a dinner to celebrate and debrief. it was lovely. this week dinner plans include jeremy and daniel on thursday (working around jeremy's soccer commitments). last night was the hysterical show of silicon valley gay men's chorus and kinsey sicks, "america's favorite dragapella beautyshop quartet," of which there is nothing like it/them. ever. fortunately the people i had brought with me did not feel i had oversold KS. omg. wonderful, as always. and we were in the second row, on the right. www.kinseysicks.com or www.svgmc.org if you are interested in more. it was wonderful to see jeff and razmik. we have been out of touch of late and there is too much drama to relate. everyone is ok now, mostly.
hopefully, my 2nd cousin is coming over tomorrow morning with her two adorable girls. even a brief visit will be nice. then maybe the deli for lunch. that seems to be one place where we can reliably go. then perhaps to the co-op health food store where i can get stuff to take with (they have the new blueberry blast luna bar, and hopefully some tofu jerky and energy nuggets).
in the second year now
i have still not gone back to as much jewelry as i used to wear... taking it all off for the mikvah was interesting. i've found some nice new rings (different colors, nice stones) which i have started wearing. it is a much more conscious thing now.
our fearless leader from the monday night group reminded me of her bus analogy. i've related this before but i think it bears re-telling. people we lose who are dear to us are passengers on our bus. at first, soon after the death, they sit beside us. we are aware of their presence at all times. but later, they move around. sometimes in front, across the aisle, or maybe a few rows back. sometimes we see them, other times they are out of sight. but they never get off our bus. they are always there. so maybe it just takes tuning in to find out where they are located at any given point in time.
tuesday is a bocce ball celebration of the one year anniversary of the death of the husband of someone from group. we will be there to support CC, of course accompanied by food, along with bocce. i'm looking forward to it.
the apricot tree is in full harvest mode. i brought maybe 4 pounds down with me, along with the 4 boxes of Aussie bites which apparently are not available at Costco down here. i'm doing my best to keep people happy.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
a productive day...
started out with the SJ Pride Parade... a much much smaller and less significant event than the northern cousin in SF. ah well. we had fun. only took about a half hour (after the walking actually started...). got a cup of coffee while waiting for it to start. on the way back to my car, i found a 10" tall gauze butterfly ornament that someone had lost. i need to figure out a way to attach it somehow inside the car. Linda stopped by to say hello.
i shopped a bit at the japantown farmers market on the way home and got more white nectarines, PLUMS, berries...oh YUM.
then, with a nice stretch of time at home (woo hoo!) i made significant dents in a variety of piles. more sorting, lots of stuff for the giveaway stack (which involved trying some things on first).
the major accomplishments (tissue alert)
a good start on Linda's side of the double sink in the master bathroom.
some things made me laugh as i tossed them: a can of mousse from Marc's (Linda's favorite discount store in Akron, so it was at least 10 years old), marked 3 for $1. ok. some lotions smelled a little off, and i have plenty of others. what do i do with the two lighters that have fluid but no longer work because the mechanism is broken? also what do i do with the bottles of oil in the kitchen that are past their prime ... i'm opting for just tossing the whole bottles in the trash rather than clogging up the sink with old oil. some things just can't re recycled as much as i'd like to.
in the bedroom was able to move the pillows that were on the side table. i remember clearly getting them at Bed Bath & Beyond when her level of discomfort rose and we were trying to fix that. they had been sitting there since a year ago April. also on that table was the water filter and tubing that had been connected to the oxygen concentrator. that was difficult. not tossed. not quite yet.
in the closet i found 3 generations of camp laundry bags, including (get this) a striped one that my mother (of blessed memory) had made, marked "Debbie Levine." wow. that's a keeper too.
in one of the laundry baskets i found Linda's traveling shorts... a pair of lightweight light blue denim...the ones she wore on that amazing 3 day trip from Ohio to California in May 2000. they had since been trimmed to remove some of the more unraveled edges. also a keeper. that was difficult too.
i think this was one of the longest concentrated periods of time i have spent at home in AGES. between going to los angeles and so many activities here when i am in town, i'm always on the run. it was nice for the time to be so productive.
much is yet to be done.
planning to go up to San Francisco for the parade on June 28. we'll see if that works out. depends on how comfortable i am with trip preparations.
i shopped a bit at the japantown farmers market on the way home and got more white nectarines, PLUMS, berries...oh YUM.
then, with a nice stretch of time at home (woo hoo!) i made significant dents in a variety of piles. more sorting, lots of stuff for the giveaway stack (which involved trying some things on first).
the major accomplishments (tissue alert)
a good start on Linda's side of the double sink in the master bathroom.
some things made me laugh as i tossed them: a can of mousse from Marc's (Linda's favorite discount store in Akron, so it was at least 10 years old), marked 3 for $1. ok. some lotions smelled a little off, and i have plenty of others. what do i do with the two lighters that have fluid but no longer work because the mechanism is broken? also what do i do with the bottles of oil in the kitchen that are past their prime ... i'm opting for just tossing the whole bottles in the trash rather than clogging up the sink with old oil. some things just can't re recycled as much as i'd like to.
in the bedroom was able to move the pillows that were on the side table. i remember clearly getting them at Bed Bath & Beyond when her level of discomfort rose and we were trying to fix that. they had been sitting there since a year ago April. also on that table was the water filter and tubing that had been connected to the oxygen concentrator. that was difficult. not tossed. not quite yet.
in the closet i found 3 generations of camp laundry bags, including (get this) a striped one that my mother (of blessed memory) had made, marked "Debbie Levine." wow. that's a keeper too.
in one of the laundry baskets i found Linda's traveling shorts... a pair of lightweight light blue denim...the ones she wore on that amazing 3 day trip from Ohio to California in May 2000. they had since been trimmed to remove some of the more unraveled edges. also a keeper. that was difficult too.
i think this was one of the longest concentrated periods of time i have spent at home in AGES. between going to los angeles and so many activities here when i am in town, i'm always on the run. it was nice for the time to be so productive.
much is yet to be done.
planning to go up to San Francisco for the parade on June 28. we'll see if that works out. depends on how comfortable i am with trip preparations.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
a few more items i left out earlier
so today at the puny pride festival, i did purchase a narrow rainbow cling stripe for the inside of the back window of my car. i'd been looking for a cling rainbow star of david but couldn't find any online. the last time i had one was about 9+ years ago, right around the time when Linda moved in. daniel was still riding in my car and it was offensive to him and he removed it. ah well. times have changed since then. and now i have a rainbow there. i also got the Human Rights Commission yellow equal sign on the navy blue square bumpersticker. i think it is important to have these in view. i remember when i was first coming out how reassuring i found it to see these small tokens of commonality on someone's car. "you are not alone" they said to me. "i'm like you" they indicated. so it's the least i can do, for anyone out there who is looking at my car.
got a nice phone call from elly. she found online the blessing for affixing a mezzuzah and they put up the one i sent them. a lovely metal woven one, an oxidized copper blue=green color. i am honored to have been able to help create a part of their jewish home. hannah and elisheva. a lovely couple.
i'm a little out of order, reading "The Stuff of Thought" by Steven Pinker. it is actually the 3rd in his series on language. very well written. dense and yet playful. been through a discussion on verbs. now onto nouns. language is very important. our use of words was one of the things that brought me and linda together 10 years ago.
got a nice phone call from elly. she found online the blessing for affixing a mezzuzah and they put up the one i sent them. a lovely metal woven one, an oxidized copper blue=green color. i am honored to have been able to help create a part of their jewish home. hannah and elisheva. a lovely couple.
i'm a little out of order, reading "The Stuff of Thought" by Steven Pinker. it is actually the 3rd in his series on language. very well written. dense and yet playful. been through a discussion on verbs. now onto nouns. language is very important. our use of words was one of the things that brought me and linda together 10 years ago.
it's been quite a week...
running, dashing, darting, fixing, calling, typing, buying, meeting. and so on.
first of all facebook is a real timesuck. anyone who is on already knows that. so i sometimes forget that some are not connected in that way and i need to create more reflective pieces here on the blog.
today was Pride Shabbat at Temple Emanu-El. things went well. not as large a turnout as i had hoped but that's the way it goes. it's a busy weekend, lots of graduations, etc. lunch after was fun, then i went down to Discovery Meadow (i think that's what it's called) for the Family Festival. they charge admission tomorrow and i don't need to hear the louder music than today. in comparison to SF or Santa Cruz (never been but assume it's good), Boston, Long Beach...ANYWHERE... San Jose is really puny. the jewish contingent will be in the parade tomorrow. the parade is about half an hour. not sure if it is because we are so close to SF and so much more energy goes there... oh well.
what that will do, however, is make it possible for me to return home and continue the work around the house... laundry, floors, etc. i've begun packing for the israel trip, july 1-20. even have my plane ticket. woo hoo. because next weekend, after seeing the silicon valley gay men's chorus perform on friday night with Kinsey Sicks (they do rate first letter capitals!) i head down to santa monica again.
i hope the alignment in my spine is holding. i have an appt with julie the most amazing chiropractor on tuesday. i've had some tingling in the arm. not sure if that is a good thing or not. her suggestion: no heavy lifting, pushing, etc. til she can see what is going on. already most likely one couple is pulling out of the trip because we think he had a disc rupture. ow. major ow with lots of colorful words spraying out.
there is so much to do, here at home and at work, in the next two weeks. it will get done, somehow.
ahah almost forgot. last night i saw Tim Lincecum (also rates capital letters) win his 2nd no-hitter. thanks, Linda F. for inviting me. Lincecum is amazing to watch. only 23. and his hit played a crucial role in the 3-run giant 5th inning. very fast game. he threw only 110 pitches. amazing. lots of fun. except getting lost in hunters point on the way home was less than exciting. i promise never to do that again. i did make it home safely. that's what's important.
there is a new fence in the backyard. almost completely done. ketzl has had a great time climbing the old wood stacked on the driveway. he is part mountain goat, i think. tonight there is a cat outside in the back. ketzl is racing around to different windows trying to see who it is. and it's almost apricot season. i had 3 as appetizers before heading out to pho. yum. yum.
so tomorrow is another early morning. i hope i can avoid the 1 AM bedtimes which have been the norm this week, for some unknown reason. it doesn't really matter whether or not i set the alarm. ketzl wakes me up by 6:30 at the latest. tho of course he usually chooses as the day he will sleep in the one day when i have to be up early. murphy's law holds.
first of all facebook is a real timesuck. anyone who is on already knows that. so i sometimes forget that some are not connected in that way and i need to create more reflective pieces here on the blog.
today was Pride Shabbat at Temple Emanu-El. things went well. not as large a turnout as i had hoped but that's the way it goes. it's a busy weekend, lots of graduations, etc. lunch after was fun, then i went down to Discovery Meadow (i think that's what it's called) for the Family Festival. they charge admission tomorrow and i don't need to hear the louder music than today. in comparison to SF or Santa Cruz (never been but assume it's good), Boston, Long Beach...ANYWHERE... San Jose is really puny. the jewish contingent will be in the parade tomorrow. the parade is about half an hour. not sure if it is because we are so close to SF and so much more energy goes there... oh well.
what that will do, however, is make it possible for me to return home and continue the work around the house... laundry, floors, etc. i've begun packing for the israel trip, july 1-20. even have my plane ticket. woo hoo. because next weekend, after seeing the silicon valley gay men's chorus perform on friday night with Kinsey Sicks (they do rate first letter capitals!) i head down to santa monica again.
i hope the alignment in my spine is holding. i have an appt with julie the most amazing chiropractor on tuesday. i've had some tingling in the arm. not sure if that is a good thing or not. her suggestion: no heavy lifting, pushing, etc. til she can see what is going on. already most likely one couple is pulling out of the trip because we think he had a disc rupture. ow. major ow with lots of colorful words spraying out.
there is so much to do, here at home and at work, in the next two weeks. it will get done, somehow.
ahah almost forgot. last night i saw Tim Lincecum (also rates capital letters) win his 2nd no-hitter. thanks, Linda F. for inviting me. Lincecum is amazing to watch. only 23. and his hit played a crucial role in the 3-run giant 5th inning. very fast game. he threw only 110 pitches. amazing. lots of fun. except getting lost in hunters point on the way home was less than exciting. i promise never to do that again. i did make it home safely. that's what's important.
there is a new fence in the backyard. almost completely done. ketzl has had a great time climbing the old wood stacked on the driveway. he is part mountain goat, i think. tonight there is a cat outside in the back. ketzl is racing around to different windows trying to see who it is. and it's almost apricot season. i had 3 as appetizers before heading out to pho. yum. yum.
so tomorrow is another early morning. i hope i can avoid the 1 AM bedtimes which have been the norm this week, for some unknown reason. it doesn't really matter whether or not i set the alarm. ketzl wakes me up by 6:30 at the latest. tho of course he usually chooses as the day he will sleep in the one day when i have to be up early. murphy's law holds.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
i had no idea it was going to be so difficult this afternoon
having read aloud my words for the mikvah dedication, with no real trouble, it was surprising to me that it was a tissue moment, all three times when i spoke them for the assembled groups. fortunately i had tissues, enough to share with a few weepy people in each group. (anyone who has not yet seen the poems i wrote, or if anyone would want to see roughly the "speech" send an email, please.) overall the event was very successful and i'm sorry i don't have the email list of the committee, so it will have to wait for tomorrow to write to them all, congratulating us on a wonderful afternoon program. almost in every room, i sort of stunned people into silence. the other presenters were about using mikvah for monthly purity (which some people think of as "the" reason), for leadership, recovery from illness, a milestone birthday, and conversion. there were not really a lot of questions, but there was some discussion in each group. and then everyone took the small ribbons i had cut into 18" lengths, and in each room tied them together and then when we got downstairs, the sections were connected until all of our individual pieces were part of a whole that represented all of our personal experiences into the larger whole. it was lovely. and then we heard the blessing for affixing a mezzuzah, heard the shofar and did a mini-tour of the facility. it was wonderful. and then i went to greek dinner with steve and lois. including chocolate lava cake (the special) for dessert.
so it's full of surprises.
and now the Tony Awards.
so it's full of surprises.
and now the Tony Awards.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
the view from the apartment in santa monica etc.
is always wonderful. the waves are really rolling in. the wind is blowing more now. the beach is almost cleared at 7:00 pm. dinner is almost ready. we went to the movies "The Brothers Bloom" which had some great moments and a few wonderful lines. ("i think what you have is constipation of the soul.") Adrien Brody is wonderful as is Rachel Weisz.
tomorrow i return to SJ early to be part of the dedication of the community mikvah. that will be a lot of fun (i hope). i will be one of the presenters, on using the mikvah to mark the end of a year of mourning.
moving right along is next week's Pride Shabbat (10 AM Saturday the 13th at Temple Emanu-El), followed by the Pride Parade on Sunday, for which i seem to be the organizer of the jewish contingent because no one else was doing it and we need to be there.
and airplane ticket for israel. yes urgently. cat/house-sitter arranged for most of the trip which is wonderful.
and to use one of my father's phrases, "and so it goes."
tomorrow i return to SJ early to be part of the dedication of the community mikvah. that will be a lot of fun (i hope). i will be one of the presenters, on using the mikvah to mark the end of a year of mourning.
moving right along is next week's Pride Shabbat (10 AM Saturday the 13th at Temple Emanu-El), followed by the Pride Parade on Sunday, for which i seem to be the organizer of the jewish contingent because no one else was doing it and we need to be there.
and airplane ticket for israel. yes urgently. cat/house-sitter arranged for most of the trip which is wonderful.
and to use one of my father's phrases, "and so it goes."
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
so it's june now
and all of the May stuff is behind me, behind us.
now that i have formally committed to going to Israel on the synagogue trip in July, i am starting to really panic about how much i need to get done before then. couple that with the changes in the office and we are a bit freaked. so i am taking good care of myself including chiropractor, acupuncture and chinese herbs, massage and all kinds of good stuff like that.
jeremy is in good spirits, starting his first internship at google in about two weeks. daunted by the size of the task but he has this great small smile that lets me know he is really excited and holding it in. i saw him last night on my way home from group...first time in a month since he had been gone to NCarolina for 3 weeks. daniel will head east in July when school is done.
pieces coming together.
moving on.
this weekend is the opening celebration of the mikvah (community ritual bath) at the JCC. i will be speaking on using the mikvah to mark the end of a period of mourning. it will be good to share.
now that i have formally committed to going to Israel on the synagogue trip in July, i am starting to really panic about how much i need to get done before then. couple that with the changes in the office and we are a bit freaked. so i am taking good care of myself including chiropractor, acupuncture and chinese herbs, massage and all kinds of good stuff like that.
jeremy is in good spirits, starting his first internship at google in about two weeks. daunted by the size of the task but he has this great small smile that lets me know he is really excited and holding it in. i saw him last night on my way home from group...first time in a month since he had been gone to NCarolina for 3 weeks. daniel will head east in July when school is done.
pieces coming together.
moving on.
this weekend is the opening celebration of the mikvah (community ritual bath) at the JCC. i will be speaking on using the mikvah to mark the end of a period of mourning. it will be good to share.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
the mantra is: wait til june ...
it's still busy at home and at work. being away 3 wkends in a row was important but a tad brutal. it will be nice to be home all the way through next week. things are shaking out a bit at work: rabbi goes on sabbatical; we enter the last few days of the holiday of Shavuot (bring on the blintzes, 8 AM on Friday morning). an all night (well 10 pm - 1 am) study session at Congregation Sinai tomorrow. gotta go to that. i miss text study and intellectual engagement a lot. there is rarely time.
the fence is starting to be rebuilt. need to leave a note for the across the fence neighbors because it will require getting on to their property and i promised i would do the advance work. i can drop it off on the walk tomorrow morning. and i have a salad garden: 4 kinds of tomatoes, red peppers and japanese cucumbers. 70 days from now call to see if things are being harvested. apricots are nuts again this year but the designer confirmed: no peaches or nectarines at all in the back. hmmmmmm.
well plenty late. tomorrow is another busy day and then there are the blintzes on friday.
catch the sliver of the moon. it is really lovely.
i'm a bit concerned about the nighttime walks, having read in the paper about two attacks at the major intersection near here. and then i heard helicopters last night. better to be cautious.
the fence is starting to be rebuilt. need to leave a note for the across the fence neighbors because it will require getting on to their property and i promised i would do the advance work. i can drop it off on the walk tomorrow morning. and i have a salad garden: 4 kinds of tomatoes, red peppers and japanese cucumbers. 70 days from now call to see if things are being harvested. apricots are nuts again this year but the designer confirmed: no peaches or nectarines at all in the back. hmmmmmm.
well plenty late. tomorrow is another busy day and then there are the blintzes on friday.
catch the sliver of the moon. it is really lovely.
i'm a bit concerned about the nighttime walks, having read in the paper about two attacks at the major intersection near here. and then i heard helicopters last night. better to be cautious.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
my father's library contains such a wide range of books...
i can always pick one up and find something very interesting. lately i've been bringing home one book each trip. today i picked up "Full Catasrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn, Ph.D. The first page I opened was 161:
"Wholeness and connectedness are what are most fundamental in our nature as living beings. No matter how many scars we carry about from what we have gone through and suffered in the past, our intrinsic wholenss is still here: what else contains the scars? None of us has to be a helpless victim of what was done to us or what was not done for us in the past, nor do we have to be helpless in the face of what we may be suffering now. We are also what was present before the scarring, our original wholeness, what was born whole. And we can reconnect up with our intrinsic wholeness at any time because its very nature is that it is always present. So when we make contact with the domain of being in the meditation practice, we are already beyond the scarring, beyond the isolation and fragmentation and suffering we may be experiencing. This means it will always be possible to trascend fragmentation, fear, vulnerability and insecurity, even despair, if you come to see differently, to see with eyes of wholeness. ...
Feeling whole, even for brief moments (as in meditation) nourishes us on a deep level. It is a source of healing and wisdom when faced with stress and pain. ... You probably won't be too surprised to learn that the very word "health" itself means whole. Whole implies integration, an interconnectedness of all parts of a system or organism, a completeness. The nature of wholeness is that it is always present."
So I thought I would share that excerpt.
Have not yet been to the ocean. Need to leave in 90 minutes to take Daniel back to the airport (he is down for the day). The beach is pretty full (it is Memorial Day weekend, after all, even if it is not really toasty and warm). People are at the water, but not a lot in the water. The sailboats are having a wonderful time in the wind, tho.
"Wholeness and connectedness are what are most fundamental in our nature as living beings. No matter how many scars we carry about from what we have gone through and suffered in the past, our intrinsic wholenss is still here: what else contains the scars? None of us has to be a helpless victim of what was done to us or what was not done for us in the past, nor do we have to be helpless in the face of what we may be suffering now. We are also what was present before the scarring, our original wholeness, what was born whole. And we can reconnect up with our intrinsic wholeness at any time because its very nature is that it is always present. So when we make contact with the domain of being in the meditation practice, we are already beyond the scarring, beyond the isolation and fragmentation and suffering we may be experiencing. This means it will always be possible to trascend fragmentation, fear, vulnerability and insecurity, even despair, if you come to see differently, to see with eyes of wholeness. ...
Feeling whole, even for brief moments (as in meditation) nourishes us on a deep level. It is a source of healing and wisdom when faced with stress and pain. ... You probably won't be too surprised to learn that the very word "health" itself means whole. Whole implies integration, an interconnectedness of all parts of a system or organism, a completeness. The nature of wholeness is that it is always present."
So I thought I would share that excerpt.
Have not yet been to the ocean. Need to leave in 90 minutes to take Daniel back to the airport (he is down for the day). The beach is pretty full (it is Memorial Day weekend, after all, even if it is not really toasty and warm). People are at the water, but not a lot in the water. The sailboats are having a wonderful time in the wind, tho.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
back home...it's quiet outside at 12:15 AM
yeah, walking the cat. he was anxious to go out. ate some grass. smelled some bushes. same old, same old, but he doesn't get tired of it.
uneventful flight home. sat next to a young indian couple who had gotten married in california in september but went to her parents home in upstate new york for the formal family weekend of parties and celebration. almost 300 people. wow. just like in the bollywood movies. her hands were still painted with henna.
back to the ny experience:
monday was the day to romp in manhattan. we drove into the city in adam's truck and stopped at aud's apartment. he parked the car and we took cabs up to jean georges. omg omg omg. the best deal in manhattan. $25 prix fixe lunch. two items plus dessert. i had cod (with spinach and something else) and tenderloin (with potatoes and something else). plus the chocolate/ginger ice cream with a small dollop of lychee frozen yogurt. other fabulous items at the table: snapper cooked with small sprigs of lavender. tuna tartare with shaved radishes and sesame soy ginger vinaigrette. shrimp salad with avocado, tomato, greens, truffle oil. omg omg omg. and as we were leaving, Gordon Ramsey, of "hell's kitchen" walked out of the other dining room, not 15 feet away from us.
after lunch we wandered to the Time Warner Center, browsed around. the museum of art and design bookstore. several watch stores. ending up back at aud's. the boys went down to the village, we rested. aud and i met my cousin nancy and her husband stan for dinner at the Centro Cafe in grand central station, which was good because we needed to take the train back up to white plains because the kids were staying in the city. more food. i had cold pea soup and bastilla (moroccan chicken in phyllo pastry, with raisins and cinnamon. yum. and a chocolate lava cake for the table for dessert. yum. it is all about the food (and the shoes).
strange day at work started with my keyboard not working on the computer. it went ok but there is so much to do.
uneventful flight home. sat next to a young indian couple who had gotten married in california in september but went to her parents home in upstate new york for the formal family weekend of parties and celebration. almost 300 people. wow. just like in the bollywood movies. her hands were still painted with henna.
back to the ny experience:
monday was the day to romp in manhattan. we drove into the city in adam's truck and stopped at aud's apartment. he parked the car and we took cabs up to jean georges. omg omg omg. the best deal in manhattan. $25 prix fixe lunch. two items plus dessert. i had cod (with spinach and something else) and tenderloin (with potatoes and something else). plus the chocolate/ginger ice cream with a small dollop of lychee frozen yogurt. other fabulous items at the table: snapper cooked with small sprigs of lavender. tuna tartare with shaved radishes and sesame soy ginger vinaigrette. shrimp salad with avocado, tomato, greens, truffle oil. omg omg omg. and as we were leaving, Gordon Ramsey, of "hell's kitchen" walked out of the other dining room, not 15 feet away from us.
after lunch we wandered to the Time Warner Center, browsed around. the museum of art and design bookstore. several watch stores. ending up back at aud's. the boys went down to the village, we rested. aud and i met my cousin nancy and her husband stan for dinner at the Centro Cafe in grand central station, which was good because we needed to take the train back up to white plains because the kids were staying in the city. more food. i had cold pea soup and bastilla (moroccan chicken in phyllo pastry, with raisins and cinnamon. yum. and a chocolate lava cake for the table for dessert. yum. it is all about the food (and the shoes).
strange day at work started with my keyboard not working on the computer. it went ok but there is so much to do.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
greetings from white plains, ny
it's been a busy week, getting ready to fly here on Thursday night (with 45 min delay etc). but i arrived chez Audrey in time on Friday morning, and we went for breakfast and purchased 2 dzn assorted bagels for the weekend. yum. we took a cab to grand central station, bought a sourcream and apple pie and took the train up here. we had several shopping stops like costco to lay in other provisions. food is important.
today was the unveiling of Linda's headstone. Audrey had a wonderful job done. it reads Linda Terry Blauner Klein
aug 21, 1984 - apr 13, 2008
beloved mom
sister, daughter
granddaughter, partner
the order is just right.
we had a minyan (10 people) including Rabbi Gordon Tucker, from the conservative synagogue a half block away from the house. linda's cousin Ellen was there, and also uncle Murray and his wife, along with audrey, elinor, david and julia, adam and me. it was only half an hour. rabbi read from psalms, sang "el malei rachamim," a few people spoke, and then kaddish. it was not easy. but now it too is passed.
i wrote a haiku this morning:
the first year has passed.
you bring us all together.
we are family.
it is wonderful being around the brothers klein. they are in good form.
after the ceremony we ate way too much yummy food, came back to the house, went for a long walk in the amazing neighborhood and are now kinda hanging out. it is drizzly and grey, contrast to Friday when it was sunny and close to 70 degrees, i think.
that's about it for now.
with appreciation to those of you who were able to write letting me know you were thinking of us. :-) lots of love all around.
today was the unveiling of Linda's headstone. Audrey had a wonderful job done. it reads Linda Terry Blauner Klein
aug 21, 1984 - apr 13, 2008
beloved mom
sister, daughter
granddaughter, partner
the order is just right.
we had a minyan (10 people) including Rabbi Gordon Tucker, from the conservative synagogue a half block away from the house. linda's cousin Ellen was there, and also uncle Murray and his wife, along with audrey, elinor, david and julia, adam and me. it was only half an hour. rabbi read from psalms, sang "el malei rachamim," a few people spoke, and then kaddish. it was not easy. but now it too is passed.
i wrote a haiku this morning:
the first year has passed.
you bring us all together.
we are family.
it is wonderful being around the brothers klein. they are in good form.
after the ceremony we ate way too much yummy food, came back to the house, went for a long walk in the amazing neighborhood and are now kinda hanging out. it is drizzly and grey, contrast to Friday when it was sunny and close to 70 degrees, i think.
that's about it for now.
with appreciation to those of you who were able to write letting me know you were thinking of us. :-) lots of love all around.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
happy mothers day etc.
from santa monica where it was another grey day. no clear line between the ocean and the sky. a few sailboats out. lots of people in the water, though.
today was "take care of deborah day," which included yoga, a massage, a swim in the pool and a bit of hot tub. not too bad. kinda made up for not getting to the ocean, which i think i must do in the morning which means setting the alarm. there is nothing quite like being right there, seeing, smelling, tasting and hearing the ocean.
happy mothers day, to everyone who is a mother or has a mother.
today was "take care of deborah day," which included yoga, a massage, a swim in the pool and a bit of hot tub. not too bad. kinda made up for not getting to the ocean, which i think i must do in the morning which means setting the alarm. there is nothing quite like being right there, seeing, smelling, tasting and hearing the ocean.
happy mothers day, to everyone who is a mother or has a mother.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
stuff and things
ketzl is such a boy. he likes taking a pish out of doors. we walked tonight and it had gotten cooler.
i'm laffing at the people here who think what we experienced today was humidity. well, it is more than we are used to here, but seriously, folks. try wisconsin in july. or ohio or new york. lots of places have real humidity. and the bugs that go with it.
starting to think about the logistics of flying three weekends in a row. it is beginning to get to me, of course with the emotional overlay of seeing Linda's family and going to the graveside for the unveiling of her headstone. yet another concrete evidence that she has been gone a year. thunk.
and there is so much to do in the way of packing and organizing and getting ready, 3 times. ok. off to start for this weekend. and set up laundry. another never-ending cycle.
i'm laffing at the people here who think what we experienced today was humidity. well, it is more than we are used to here, but seriously, folks. try wisconsin in july. or ohio or new york. lots of places have real humidity. and the bugs that go with it.
starting to think about the logistics of flying three weekends in a row. it is beginning to get to me, of course with the emotional overlay of seeing Linda's family and going to the graveside for the unveiling of her headstone. yet another concrete evidence that she has been gone a year. thunk.
and there is so much to do in the way of packing and organizing and getting ready, 3 times. ok. off to start for this weekend. and set up laundry. another never-ending cycle.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
measuring progress
i'm not there yet, but things are changing.
i'm not reading the obituary pages any more. well i did a few days ago, and found that the ex-husband of a high school classmate had died. but for a while there i was reading them almost every day, looking for others who died from pancreatic cancer. being frustrated when sometimes it would say simply "cancer" and not specify. i certainly don't check the grief/mourning sections of bookstores any more, and i'm ready to part with a number of books that i've collected over the past year. i thought when i first got them that i would keep them forever. there are 3 or 4 that i will keep but the rest i'm happy to pass along to the group or the library at Hospice of the Valley.
so sometimes the progress is measurable, and sometimes not.
at least there is a clear direction.
i'm not reading the obituary pages any more. well i did a few days ago, and found that the ex-husband of a high school classmate had died. but for a while there i was reading them almost every day, looking for others who died from pancreatic cancer. being frustrated when sometimes it would say simply "cancer" and not specify. i certainly don't check the grief/mourning sections of bookstores any more, and i'm ready to part with a number of books that i've collected over the past year. i thought when i first got them that i would keep them forever. there are 3 or 4 that i will keep but the rest i'm happy to pass along to the group or the library at Hospice of the Valley.
so sometimes the progress is measurable, and sometimes not.
at least there is a clear direction.
Monday, May 4, 2009
4/30/09
the turning of the page
...
the month really doesn't exist yet until the calendar page has turned.
the new days early on startle us as things which were "coming up"
are now fully upon us.
surprise, they say.
we are not the future; we are the now.
and the suddenness of the approach knocks us off balance.
plans made eons ago suddenly require implementation.
things which were future are now on today's to do list.
what was "not quite here yet" is now today's details.
the onslaught of time
starts with the turn of the calendar page.
the turning of the page
...
the month really doesn't exist yet until the calendar page has turned.
the new days early on startle us as things which were "coming up"
are now fully upon us.
surprise, they say.
we are not the future; we are the now.
and the suddenness of the approach knocks us off balance.
plans made eons ago suddenly require implementation.
things which were future are now on today's to do list.
what was "not quite here yet" is now today's details.
the onslaught of time
starts with the turn of the calendar page.
post from April 26, santa monica
things have been wacka wacka at work. not even time to post this from the previous weekend. nor to write anything new. starting to breathe now, but 3 weekends of travel approach. so here's what i wrote on the 26th of april.
another weekend in santa monica.
things are slowing down. there is a lot of sleeping going on. but we did do two walks today. yesterday was really incredibly windy and when we returned from the farmers market (yum yum) we just stayed in. actually watched some basketball and a fabulous baseball game between the Red Sox and Yankees. 16-12 was, i believe, the final score, in favor of the Sox, which was good cuz they were at home. home runs, going through the full line-up between the 7th and 8th innings. more than 4 hours of baseball, and by the looks of the stands, very few people left.
tonight i had my first mongolian taxi driver. perhaps the first mongolian i had ever met. his first name Dash (well there is another syllable) is actually tibetan, he said, because his family and many mongolians became buddhists and incorporated a lot of tibetan words and names. he has two cousins here, but his mother and brothers are still in mongolia. he would like to be able to return home. we talked a bit about the change in political/economic situations after the fall of communism. problem was, there was no infrastructure. he was a mining engineer i think. that is one of the few areas where things could develop. we talked about the difference in weather. he compared mongolia to the colorado rockies, for a more familiar reference. i think i'd like to go to mongolia one day. on the list of places left to visit.
the shampoo i used today is 9 years old. i know the hotel where we got it. outside the cleveland airport, i think, on one of my 6 trips to ohio during 1999-2000. one of the earlier ones. i think when we stayed in Cleveland for a night too. maybe to see the bob fosse play in a fabulous old theatre. not sure of the specifics. i suppose i could look it up somehow. but it is not important. but i know where the shampoo came from. origins are somehow important.
more beach rocks, this time separated out in a small plastic bag outside any backpack, still caught the eye of the screener, who called his superior, who came over and held up the bag of rocks. and pronounced them to be okay. better than last time when they were inside the suitcase, causing them to take them out and re-screen everything, making me incredibly late for the plane. so this is better, except that the plane is delayed at least an hour tonight. the guy at the podium announced that the plane had not actually left san jose to come here. so it's a good thing i'm not picking daniel up. thank you jeremy.
tim is doing much much better as his nose and throat are healing and general strength is improving. moved friday to a rehab facility (actually the 7th floor of the Duke Univ Hospital) where he should be for the next 2-3 weeks, doing 6 hrs of OT/PT daily. that's a pretty brutal schedule but it will be worth it.
{update from North Carolina: jeremy is there now, making a move to a larger 1st floor apartment. tim is doing very well in rehab, working hard. should be back to the new apartment end of the week.}
more later.
another weekend in santa monica.
things are slowing down. there is a lot of sleeping going on. but we did do two walks today. yesterday was really incredibly windy and when we returned from the farmers market (yum yum) we just stayed in. actually watched some basketball and a fabulous baseball game between the Red Sox and Yankees. 16-12 was, i believe, the final score, in favor of the Sox, which was good cuz they were at home. home runs, going through the full line-up between the 7th and 8th innings. more than 4 hours of baseball, and by the looks of the stands, very few people left.
tonight i had my first mongolian taxi driver. perhaps the first mongolian i had ever met. his first name Dash (well there is another syllable) is actually tibetan, he said, because his family and many mongolians became buddhists and incorporated a lot of tibetan words and names. he has two cousins here, but his mother and brothers are still in mongolia. he would like to be able to return home. we talked a bit about the change in political/economic situations after the fall of communism. problem was, there was no infrastructure. he was a mining engineer i think. that is one of the few areas where things could develop. we talked about the difference in weather. he compared mongolia to the colorado rockies, for a more familiar reference. i think i'd like to go to mongolia one day. on the list of places left to visit.
the shampoo i used today is 9 years old. i know the hotel where we got it. outside the cleveland airport, i think, on one of my 6 trips to ohio during 1999-2000. one of the earlier ones. i think when we stayed in Cleveland for a night too. maybe to see the bob fosse play in a fabulous old theatre. not sure of the specifics. i suppose i could look it up somehow. but it is not important. but i know where the shampoo came from. origins are somehow important.
more beach rocks, this time separated out in a small plastic bag outside any backpack, still caught the eye of the screener, who called his superior, who came over and held up the bag of rocks. and pronounced them to be okay. better than last time when they were inside the suitcase, causing them to take them out and re-screen everything, making me incredibly late for the plane. so this is better, except that the plane is delayed at least an hour tonight. the guy at the podium announced that the plane had not actually left san jose to come here. so it's a good thing i'm not picking daniel up. thank you jeremy.
tim is doing much much better as his nose and throat are healing and general strength is improving. moved friday to a rehab facility (actually the 7th floor of the Duke Univ Hospital) where he should be for the next 2-3 weeks, doing 6 hrs of OT/PT daily. that's a pretty brutal schedule but it will be worth it.
{update from North Carolina: jeremy is there now, making a move to a larger 1st floor apartment. tim is doing very well in rehab, working hard. should be back to the new apartment end of the week.}
more later.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
81 degrees is never an appropriate indoor temperature
ok so this day will be filed among those with too much excitement.
starting with the 2nd day in a row of the 8 allowable days when we who do not have air conditioning deeply wish we did. and the temp in the house was 80 degrees when i got home but it was 84 degrees outside. it is cooler now. and the fan is on, drawing the hot air up to the attic, and cool air from the outside through the house. i trained with the Queen of Airflow. and "they" promise that things are going to cool off by 15 degrees in the next day or two, and even possibly rain. wow. exciting times in California. but in Moscow there was snow on sunday. woo hoo.
then on the walk, i (and ketzl) saw what at first i thought was a cat on the curb across the street. but then it moved and dropped into a sewer drain. that's not cat behavior. needless to say, we went home, even with the critter out of sight.
home. set up laundry. washed sheets and towels. transferred the load to the dryer. reached over to push the "sensor dry" button and OMG ... 5 inches away from my hand was a dead rat.
ok that's enough excitement for the day. done. no more. please. thank you.
starting with the 2nd day in a row of the 8 allowable days when we who do not have air conditioning deeply wish we did. and the temp in the house was 80 degrees when i got home but it was 84 degrees outside. it is cooler now. and the fan is on, drawing the hot air up to the attic, and cool air from the outside through the house. i trained with the Queen of Airflow. and "they" promise that things are going to cool off by 15 degrees in the next day or two, and even possibly rain. wow. exciting times in California. but in Moscow there was snow on sunday. woo hoo.
then on the walk, i (and ketzl) saw what at first i thought was a cat on the curb across the street. but then it moved and dropped into a sewer drain. that's not cat behavior. needless to say, we went home, even with the critter out of sight.
home. set up laundry. washed sheets and towels. transferred the load to the dryer. reached over to push the "sensor dry" button and OMG ... 5 inches away from my hand was a dead rat.
ok that's enough excitement for the day. done. no more. please. thank you.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
the phone deed is done at long last
this afternoon on the way home i stopped in the t-mobile store and ported my old cell phone number to the g-phone. i'm giving up the entire att account which means that linda's cell number is history. it is what it is. now i am a family member on jeremy's account and am actually using the full variety of features, well maybe not full but more than before. now to set up my voicemail etc. so if you don't have the 425 number, email me offline and i'll send it to you.
maybe i needed to be in the 2nd year. which is where i am now. very big sigh.
put on earrings for the first time today to attend a wonderful b'not mitzvah (two sisters, not twins). other than that i'm still jewelry-free. interesting.
jeremy is on his way back home from 2nd 5-day trip to North Carolina. tim transferred out of ICU last night after 2+ weeks. jeremy is very happy to have been there for this milestone. things are looking MUCH better.
ok ketzl wants to go for his afternoon walk. time to boogie!
maybe i needed to be in the 2nd year. which is where i am now. very big sigh.
put on earrings for the first time today to attend a wonderful b'not mitzvah (two sisters, not twins). other than that i'm still jewelry-free. interesting.
jeremy is on his way back home from 2nd 5-day trip to North Carolina. tim transferred out of ICU last night after 2+ weeks. jeremy is very happy to have been there for this milestone. things are looking MUCH better.
ok ketzl wants to go for his afternoon walk. time to boogie!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i'm really much closer and maybe almost there...
so for months i've wrestled with the issue of the cell phones. since jeremy gave me the android (google phone, for which thank you so much; i'm not scared of it anymore ...) i have been unwilling to port my "old" phone number over because we could not retrieve linda's voice from the ATT airwaves. we've tried. various people have gotten the two phones to turn on; i got my contacts off one SIM card. but there will be a finality hopefully tomorrow or this weekend when i go back to my old 425 number. maybe i've been obsessing just a bit (moi?) about this. rochelle has a tape recording of linda giving her brisket recipe. now that's going to be a keeper.
so passover is over. jews are eating pizza and pasta and bagels once again. i may still make eggs and matzo because i love it so. i did not attempt the matzo meal pancakes that were Linda's trademark, with cottage cheese, cinnamon/sugar, fresh blueberries, bananas and strawberries on top. there's still time. i have the matzo meal ready.
wow it is mikvah season. two dear friends in Florida, one a classmate of Linda's from white plains high school, are preparing for the mikvah on Sunday, as part of their becoming jews on May 1. this is very exciting. Hannah and Elisheva are the Hebrew names they have chosen. i am so excited, and sorry i cannot be with them as they take this wonderfully important step together. that's even more wonderful!
so since last saturday, when i prepared here at home for my immersion, i have not worn any jewelry. none. not even one small piece. it is interesting. i'm kinda liking it. plain. not fancy. elemental. personal. bare bones, kinda. my sister commented that with my hair longer now, my new skinnier self and no jewelry and smiling, she recognized a Deborah from years ago. that felt really nice.
and to top it off, my reserve pair of orange keen clogs arrived today. happy feet!
i am open to the world in a way i have not experienced before. not sure how it relates to the mikvah and no jewelry, if at all. i'm really ready to go back, but this is not the time yet.
i've been thinking also about the screen names on my AIM buddy list. so the ones who are online are in black, with their relevant available or away messages, sometimes a comment on the music they are listening to...they are present in real time. those who are not signed on are in grey. not quite there, but lurking. with the possibility of being there. there are a lot of names on that list that probably should be pruned but i'm not ready to do that. perhaps they are screen names that people have changed or just don't use any more. there are several who are no longer living, in different categories. i think it goes back to vickie's description of people on our "bus," where you don't see them all the time, but they are there. and so i take comfort in the names in grey, even though they are not directly available to me at any given moment. but they are still there. my mother. Linda. someone in texas. my aunt in florida, a friend of jeremy's now in new jersey. several names that jeremy used to use. i'm not sure why it is comforting, but it is.
so getting closer to resolution on the phone issue. after a full year, it's time to stop paying for the extra line that i don't use. let go of trying to capture an outgoing message. it's ok. it will be ok. i will be ok. really. and i know that. really i do. with or without any messages.
it's been nice the last few days. i've seen two Hyundai Sonatas, similar to Linda's. one was the same dark green but wasn't the GLS V6. the other was black and was the V6, including the same nice tasteful rear spoiler that really improves the look, imho. and butterflies are around and a lot of hummingbirds.
and yes it is still weird. but the first year is over.
so passover is over. jews are eating pizza and pasta and bagels once again. i may still make eggs and matzo because i love it so. i did not attempt the matzo meal pancakes that were Linda's trademark, with cottage cheese, cinnamon/sugar, fresh blueberries, bananas and strawberries on top. there's still time. i have the matzo meal ready.
wow it is mikvah season. two dear friends in Florida, one a classmate of Linda's from white plains high school, are preparing for the mikvah on Sunday, as part of their becoming jews on May 1. this is very exciting. Hannah and Elisheva are the Hebrew names they have chosen. i am so excited, and sorry i cannot be with them as they take this wonderfully important step together. that's even more wonderful!
so since last saturday, when i prepared here at home for my immersion, i have not worn any jewelry. none. not even one small piece. it is interesting. i'm kinda liking it. plain. not fancy. elemental. personal. bare bones, kinda. my sister commented that with my hair longer now, my new skinnier self and no jewelry and smiling, she recognized a Deborah from years ago. that felt really nice.
and to top it off, my reserve pair of orange keen clogs arrived today. happy feet!
i am open to the world in a way i have not experienced before. not sure how it relates to the mikvah and no jewelry, if at all. i'm really ready to go back, but this is not the time yet.
i've been thinking also about the screen names on my AIM buddy list. so the ones who are online are in black, with their relevant available or away messages, sometimes a comment on the music they are listening to...they are present in real time. those who are not signed on are in grey. not quite there, but lurking. with the possibility of being there. there are a lot of names on that list that probably should be pruned but i'm not ready to do that. perhaps they are screen names that people have changed or just don't use any more. there are several who are no longer living, in different categories. i think it goes back to vickie's description of people on our "bus," where you don't see them all the time, but they are there. and so i take comfort in the names in grey, even though they are not directly available to me at any given moment. but they are still there. my mother. Linda. someone in texas. my aunt in florida, a friend of jeremy's now in new jersey. several names that jeremy used to use. i'm not sure why it is comforting, but it is.
so getting closer to resolution on the phone issue. after a full year, it's time to stop paying for the extra line that i don't use. let go of trying to capture an outgoing message. it's ok. it will be ok. i will be ok. really. and i know that. really i do. with or without any messages.
it's been nice the last few days. i've seen two Hyundai Sonatas, similar to Linda's. one was the same dark green but wasn't the GLS V6. the other was black and was the V6, including the same nice tasteful rear spoiler that really improves the look, imho. and butterflies are around and a lot of hummingbirds.
and yes it is still weird. but the first year is over.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
the immersion experience
i've decided to wait for a bit to see how things feel in the next few days. at one level i don't feel any different. it was a step, another step on the journey. rabbi leslie alexander was my guide and she had a few readings from the large binder. there are three "dunks" after each is a different blessing. it was very comforting and i could feel some stress being lifted, but i want to hang out with the experience for just a bit.
today is David's birthday.
happy birthday, David in London.
today is David's birthday.
happy birthday, David in London.
post 262 a palindromic number
this post will be in two parts.
first will be two pieces that i wrote last night in the quiet of the empty house. i had been thinking quite a bit about the kinds of things that i wanted to say, and one came out as an adaptation on the Shehechayanu, a blessing said at significant times. the other is a reflection on how my mikvah experience occurs during Passover. more later on the mikvah experience itself.
Sustaining Us
a blessing of thanks
to the unseen forces of the universe
which sustained me, maintained me
and enabled me to reach this very special moment of now.
(because now is really all we ever have).
i give thanks to the unseen forces of the universe
and also to the very real people in my life
who have sustained me over this incredible first year,
the year of firsts.
sustained is very much how i feel.
i made it through.
and i am feeling again,
which in itself is a blessing.
i am sustained by my connections
to people and to the universe.
the dark clouds have lifted.
i can see the light. i can feel the warmth.
and i know with certainty that i will continue
from this "now" to the next.
with gratitude.
Passover Mikvah
it is not lost on me
that my first immersion is during Pesach.
i know what has enslaved me during the past year.
i am ready to leave behind the endless grey of loneliness.
i am ready to exchange the tears of sadness for the cleansing waters of the mikvah.
i am ready to trade the stifling grip of grief for the warm embrace of my future.
i am ready to step into the waters
and into the next year of my life.
this year i was held in bondage by my grief.
next year, may i be truly free.
both written
april 11, 2009
first will be two pieces that i wrote last night in the quiet of the empty house. i had been thinking quite a bit about the kinds of things that i wanted to say, and one came out as an adaptation on the Shehechayanu, a blessing said at significant times. the other is a reflection on how my mikvah experience occurs during Passover. more later on the mikvah experience itself.
Sustaining Us
a blessing of thanks
to the unseen forces of the universe
which sustained me, maintained me
and enabled me to reach this very special moment of now.
(because now is really all we ever have).
i give thanks to the unseen forces of the universe
and also to the very real people in my life
who have sustained me over this incredible first year,
the year of firsts.
sustained is very much how i feel.
i made it through.
and i am feeling again,
which in itself is a blessing.
i am sustained by my connections
to people and to the universe.
the dark clouds have lifted.
i can see the light. i can feel the warmth.
and i know with certainty that i will continue
from this "now" to the next.
with gratitude.
Passover Mikvah
it is not lost on me
that my first immersion is during Pesach.
i know what has enslaved me during the past year.
i am ready to leave behind the endless grey of loneliness.
i am ready to exchange the tears of sadness for the cleansing waters of the mikvah.
i am ready to trade the stifling grip of grief for the warm embrace of my future.
i am ready to step into the waters
and into the next year of my life.
this year i was held in bondage by my grief.
next year, may i be truly free.
both written
april 11, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
one step at a time
last night's service (and accompanists) was wonderful.
i truly have the most robust support network ever ever.
i was surrounded by friends old and new from so many areas of my life, ranging from almost 20 years ago to someone from the monday night group. we all stood up as Linda's name was read. wow. i wish i could have been up on the bimah (pulpit) to see it from rabbi's perspective. and then the food. omg. so yes i freaked out and then people baked and rabbi even made matzo bark for me!! woo hoo!! and his wife made mini choc chip macaroons, and then i had hired a caterer whose mother made macaroons that were huge and moist...we called them Big Macs! unbelievable. and his pastry chef made mini sponge cake balls, sliced in half with a dollop of whipped cream and a slice of strawberry. omg omg. unbelievably delicious. really really really wonderful. and i brought arnold palmer (half and half ice tea and lemonade, a linda favorite, and mango passion fruit drink. and cheese and nuts and veggies and and and. we ate. people took home small plates. it was all quite wonderful.
so that is done. and we all made it through in good form, i believe. thank you to everyone who was there, with me and for me, etc. i do so appreciate your presence.
one foot in front of the other. that's the journey.
so tomorrow is really the mikvah. i'm excited about that. only a bit nervous. rabbi leslie alexander is a dear friend as well as rabbi; she is the one that linda considered to be "her rabbi." so it will be all good. i need to think about writing something for the morning. something cusp-ish maybe. if it works, i'll post it here.
very big sigh. yup, that's how it goes. one foot in front of the other.
i truly have the most robust support network ever ever.
i was surrounded by friends old and new from so many areas of my life, ranging from almost 20 years ago to someone from the monday night group. we all stood up as Linda's name was read. wow. i wish i could have been up on the bimah (pulpit) to see it from rabbi's perspective. and then the food. omg. so yes i freaked out and then people baked and rabbi even made matzo bark for me!! woo hoo!! and his wife made mini choc chip macaroons, and then i had hired a caterer whose mother made macaroons that were huge and moist...we called them Big Macs! unbelievable. and his pastry chef made mini sponge cake balls, sliced in half with a dollop of whipped cream and a slice of strawberry. omg omg. unbelievably delicious. really really really wonderful. and i brought arnold palmer (half and half ice tea and lemonade, a linda favorite, and mango passion fruit drink. and cheese and nuts and veggies and and and. we ate. people took home small plates. it was all quite wonderful.
so that is done. and we all made it through in good form, i believe. thank you to everyone who was there, with me and for me, etc. i do so appreciate your presence.
one foot in front of the other. that's the journey.
so tomorrow is really the mikvah. i'm excited about that. only a bit nervous. rabbi leslie alexander is a dear friend as well as rabbi; she is the one that linda considered to be "her rabbi." so it will be all good. i need to think about writing something for the morning. something cusp-ish maybe. if it works, i'll post it here.
very big sigh. yup, that's how it goes. one foot in front of the other.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
this is still "the week" and there's more...
so first seder was last night. i was very happy that my minimalist charoset (apples, nuts and wine ONLY, no cinnamon, sugar, lemon juice, etc.) made an Israeli swoon, so much so that at the end, when of course we were all stuffed, she sat down with a bowl and a spoon and continued to eat. that is true devotion. i used my mother's stainless steel chopping blade. it is very comforting. i wish i had had just a bit more time so that the experience would have been not quite so rushed. but it all worked out. potlucks are wonderful because the food is soooooooo yummy.
so another in the year of firsts. i need to try my hand at what i think of as Linda's matzo meal pancakes, which she attributed to her grandmother, but Aud says no. matzo brei for breakfast (like eggs with matzo softened and crumbled in it. delish!)
i freaked out a bit at costco and trader joe's in getting ready for tomorrow's oneg after services. cheese, fruits, nuts, veggies, now drinks (organic arnold palmer, tea with lemonade, and mango-passionfruit drink. i will pick up a flat of strawberries in the morning from the seller on the corner near the house. i need to find out how to make a decent dip for veggies as the ones that come with the platter have (i think) corn syrup as a sweetener and that's not ok.
the wednesday morning service of blessings for the sun was fun. foiled a bit by the failure of someone from the location to unlock the gate but we managed nicely. i'm getting way better at getting up early. part of the liturgy included the mourner's kaddish, kinduva dry run for tomorrow night. note to self: bring tissues, to share.
my hiking poles came. komperdell from austria, courtesy of sierra trading post! this means i can contemplate going for a real hike on mission peak. hopefully next week on sunday.
this sunday is the mikvah. i'm getting pretty excited about that, except there is so much to get through beforehand (tonight's congregational second night seder, tomorrow night, for starters). and then there is the added distraction that my ex is improving but is in the ICU in north carolina. jeremy was there for 5 days and now his sister is there for not sure how long. scary stuff but seems like he is starting to pull through in better form. jeremy did amazing work in the "git 'er done" frame. lots of logistics and practical things. not surprised, but very happy at what he was able to do.
so, one foot in front of the other. decisions to be made. time to toss all my superbaggy pants because (a) they don't fit (b) that style is no longer in and it overwhelms me (c) i like the feel of snug jeans, etc. i don't think i'm done losing weight (do not recommend this weight-loss method, though) so i'm not investing too much in replacements (thrift stores are wonderful resources). i think i'm almost ready to tackle the bathroom counters and other areas where things are pretty much the same as they were a year go. i am still amazed at how amorphous and non-linear time is as a dimension. how this last year can have gone by both so quickly and so slowly.
time to snack before i head to the dinner. it will be a while before we actually eat. chag sameach. bring on the hillel sandwich! (matzo, charoset and horseradish...the BEST thing ever!)
so another in the year of firsts. i need to try my hand at what i think of as Linda's matzo meal pancakes, which she attributed to her grandmother, but Aud says no. matzo brei for breakfast (like eggs with matzo softened and crumbled in it. delish!)
i freaked out a bit at costco and trader joe's in getting ready for tomorrow's oneg after services. cheese, fruits, nuts, veggies, now drinks (organic arnold palmer, tea with lemonade, and mango-passionfruit drink. i will pick up a flat of strawberries in the morning from the seller on the corner near the house. i need to find out how to make a decent dip for veggies as the ones that come with the platter have (i think) corn syrup as a sweetener and that's not ok.
the wednesday morning service of blessings for the sun was fun. foiled a bit by the failure of someone from the location to unlock the gate but we managed nicely. i'm getting way better at getting up early. part of the liturgy included the mourner's kaddish, kinduva dry run for tomorrow night. note to self: bring tissues, to share.
my hiking poles came. komperdell from austria, courtesy of sierra trading post! this means i can contemplate going for a real hike on mission peak. hopefully next week on sunday.
this sunday is the mikvah. i'm getting pretty excited about that, except there is so much to get through beforehand (tonight's congregational second night seder, tomorrow night, for starters). and then there is the added distraction that my ex is improving but is in the ICU in north carolina. jeremy was there for 5 days and now his sister is there for not sure how long. scary stuff but seems like he is starting to pull through in better form. jeremy did amazing work in the "git 'er done" frame. lots of logistics and practical things. not surprised, but very happy at what he was able to do.
so, one foot in front of the other. decisions to be made. time to toss all my superbaggy pants because (a) they don't fit (b) that style is no longer in and it overwhelms me (c) i like the feel of snug jeans, etc. i don't think i'm done losing weight (do not recommend this weight-loss method, though) so i'm not investing too much in replacements (thrift stores are wonderful resources). i think i'm almost ready to tackle the bathroom counters and other areas where things are pretty much the same as they were a year go. i am still amazed at how amorphous and non-linear time is as a dimension. how this last year can have gone by both so quickly and so slowly.
time to snack before i head to the dinner. it will be a while before we actually eat. chag sameach. bring on the hillel sandwich! (matzo, charoset and horseradish...the BEST thing ever!)
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
how do you measure a year?
from "Rent." also a song in the SVGMC show last night.
this is the last week. this is the last week i will be able to say "it's been almost a year since Linda died." and then the first year will be over. for the most part, i think i'm doing pretty much ok. busy at work (Passover etc.), lots of activities. not a lot of eating, which is good.
so how do you measure a year in my life, this past year?
in tissues? in pictures? in plays attended? in family phone calls? in emails? in blog posts? (259 i think this one is). in new shoes? in friday night services attended? in cards and letters? in cups of coffee?
it's been quite a year.
this is the last week. this is the last week i will be able to say "it's been almost a year since Linda died." and then the first year will be over. for the most part, i think i'm doing pretty much ok. busy at work (Passover etc.), lots of activities. not a lot of eating, which is good.
so how do you measure a year in my life, this past year?
in tissues? in pictures? in plays attended? in family phone calls? in emails? in blog posts? (259 i think this one is). in new shoes? in friday night services attended? in cards and letters? in cups of coffee?
it's been quite a year.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Pesach approaches...
it's coming up this week. silly computer just bonked and i lost what i had typed. and i know i had saved it at least once. grrrrr. i'm in santa monica again this weekend. read some Passover stuff to my father, from a book that Linda had ordered and shipped here...one book for each major jewish holiday.
the traffic is abating now and i can hear the sound of the waves. but there is nothing like being right at the shore, seeing the spray after the curls roll down, hearing the crash, repetitive, relentless, rhythmic and soothing. i love the ocean.
i am looking forward to making the charoseth: chopping the apples and walnuts (i got more at the farmers market today) and adding just a bit of wine...my mother was pretty minimalist about these things. i will use her single steel curved chopping blade. it will be a pretty spiritual experience. rotating the wooden bowl 90 degrees. getting the texture right. unless one is chopping 20 pounds of apples, imho a food processor is never allowed.
i am still struck by all the confluence of things...passover celebrating liberation from egyptian slavery (in fact, Mitzrayim, the hebrew word for Egypt, means place of narrowness or constriction. kinda like a birth canal...as the people Israel left egypt for freedom in their own land.) i love matzo and charoseth. mmmmmmm. and horseradish. it's all yummy. and meaningful as i know what has been holding me in bondage this last year. and while i have learned a LOT and grown a LOT, i think i am ready for it to be over. things won't necessarily be different on the other side but it will be over. the missing still goes on. still very difficult to believe that it has been an entire year. or only a year. depending. it was the fastest and the slowest at the same time, and if anyone can explain that to me, i'd welcome the input.
quote from "the gift of grief: finidng peace, transformation and renewed life after great sorrow" by rabbi matthew gewirtz:
faith = belief + doubt + action
more from the book at a later time...
the traffic is abating now and i can hear the sound of the waves. but there is nothing like being right at the shore, seeing the spray after the curls roll down, hearing the crash, repetitive, relentless, rhythmic and soothing. i love the ocean.
i am looking forward to making the charoseth: chopping the apples and walnuts (i got more at the farmers market today) and adding just a bit of wine...my mother was pretty minimalist about these things. i will use her single steel curved chopping blade. it will be a pretty spiritual experience. rotating the wooden bowl 90 degrees. getting the texture right. unless one is chopping 20 pounds of apples, imho a food processor is never allowed.
i am still struck by all the confluence of things...passover celebrating liberation from egyptian slavery (in fact, Mitzrayim, the hebrew word for Egypt, means place of narrowness or constriction. kinda like a birth canal...as the people Israel left egypt for freedom in their own land.) i love matzo and charoseth. mmmmmmm. and horseradish. it's all yummy. and meaningful as i know what has been holding me in bondage this last year. and while i have learned a LOT and grown a LOT, i think i am ready for it to be over. things won't necessarily be different on the other side but it will be over. the missing still goes on. still very difficult to believe that it has been an entire year. or only a year. depending. it was the fastest and the slowest at the same time, and if anyone can explain that to me, i'd welcome the input.
quote from "the gift of grief: finidng peace, transformation and renewed life after great sorrow" by rabbi matthew gewirtz:
faith = belief + doubt + action
more from the book at a later time...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
very big sigh...
it's been quite a day or so. i lose track. yesterday we found out that Tim, father of Jeremy and Daniel, was in ICU in Durham NC. while the basic procedure went well, and the arteries are cleared, there are breathing issues which means a longer stay with the higher level of care. jeremy is heading back for the weekend, and probably Tim's brother will come in from ohio as well. that pretty much derailed me for the day, but it looks like things are doing better than can be expected. he winked in response to a question and squeezes hands and wiggles toes on request.
just heard on the news that one filipina may be deported because her immigration papers are not in order. after 23 year relationship with another woman, and 12 yr old twin boys. prop 8 sucks. if they had been a man and a woman, it would not have been an issue. the rights are not the same without the legal back-up.
this is my weekend to LA. and now i've added the may 16 trip to NY.
adam called this morning and we had a really wonderful brief chat. he is doing some kind of training yesterday and today, is having fun, doing well, etc etc. it will be good to see him and david and julia and audrey in 6 weeks.
woo hoo! they are appropriating Bernie Madoff's property. that is totally the least the feds can do. now the report is how credit cards are cancelling people's accounts and revoking any earned miles or reward points that have accumulated. so much for loyalty. after 23 years even. omg. this is ridiculous. but perhaps we have not seen the last of shenanigans.
i remembered to make photocopies of some pages from the prayerbook binder to take to group on monday. it is our last session before the 2 week break, conveniently located around passover and easter. i have volunteered to bring massive amounts of charoseth to the seder. i love pesach. and this year, more than any before, is steeped in such meaning and significance. i need to start getting out my books so i can do a modicum of preparation.
ok i can't take any more of the news. time for bed. tomorrow is another day.
just heard on the news that one filipina may be deported because her immigration papers are not in order. after 23 year relationship with another woman, and 12 yr old twin boys. prop 8 sucks. if they had been a man and a woman, it would not have been an issue. the rights are not the same without the legal back-up.
this is my weekend to LA. and now i've added the may 16 trip to NY.
adam called this morning and we had a really wonderful brief chat. he is doing some kind of training yesterday and today, is having fun, doing well, etc etc. it will be good to see him and david and julia and audrey in 6 weeks.
woo hoo! they are appropriating Bernie Madoff's property. that is totally the least the feds can do. now the report is how credit cards are cancelling people's accounts and revoking any earned miles or reward points that have accumulated. so much for loyalty. after 23 years even. omg. this is ridiculous. but perhaps we have not seen the last of shenanigans.
i remembered to make photocopies of some pages from the prayerbook binder to take to group on monday. it is our last session before the 2 week break, conveniently located around passover and easter. i have volunteered to bring massive amounts of charoseth to the seder. i love pesach. and this year, more than any before, is steeped in such meaning and significance. i need to start getting out my books so i can do a modicum of preparation.
ok i can't take any more of the news. time for bed. tomorrow is another day.
Monday, March 30, 2009
it's monday already, again
the crescent moon was very nice this evening when i took ketzl for his night-time walk. there is the soft fragrance in the air, perhaps some freesias that are blooming now. and yesterday, i saw some fritillary butterflies cavorting in the bushes when we walked in the afternoon sunlight. spring is here.
the re-do of the landscaping seems to be stalled. i wrote to the designer today to find out what is up. new trees is not what is up. looking forward to getting two new fruit trees this year ... plums!!
tonight was support group. one more before the two week break. one man is back after hernia surgery. he was surprised at the warm welcome. one other man, in addition to the death of his wife, has had 4 more deaths in the last 3 weeks, two family members, two close friends. that is an amazing hit. otherwise, we are fine and we laugh together most of the time.
the fog continues to lift, most days. sometimes, when i think i'm doing fine, then someone asks "how are you doing?" and that could easily set me off.
still preparing for april 10, when Linda's name will be read for the first time in the synagogue on the approximate anniversary of her death. it will not be easy but i keep hearing from people who will be there, and some of whom will be baking special Passover things for the Oneg Shabbat after services.
getting more organized about making plane reservations. got 3 more to LA and also great deal on jetblue to NY in May. now the planning can start in earnest.
not sure what i think about Obama's calling for the ouster of the General Motors CEO. but gee, it certainly is still wonderful to listen to a president who can speak in complete sentences, with conviction and understanding. and the silly republicans trying to paint Obama as some kind of socialist.
passover is coming. i've volunteered to bring the charoseth (mixture of nuts and apples); and i may branch out to an additional one with dried apricots...more middle eastern style than my traditional eastern european recipe which i learned from my mother. i am convinced that this can only be made by chopping by hand, and i use the old stainless steel chopping blade that i inherited from my mother, along with her recipe. there is something amazingly comforting about chopping walnuts in the wooden bowl, turning every few chops. sort of like kneading dough. (it's ok to use a food processor if you are doing 20 pounds of apples. then it's ok not to hand chop, imho.)
now Liz Smith is saying that Washington DC is the new Hollywood. well, ok.
i need to go change the load from the washer to the dryer. and then think about heading to bed. tomorrow is another busy day.
the re-do of the landscaping seems to be stalled. i wrote to the designer today to find out what is up. new trees is not what is up. looking forward to getting two new fruit trees this year ... plums!!
tonight was support group. one more before the two week break. one man is back after hernia surgery. he was surprised at the warm welcome. one other man, in addition to the death of his wife, has had 4 more deaths in the last 3 weeks, two family members, two close friends. that is an amazing hit. otherwise, we are fine and we laugh together most of the time.
the fog continues to lift, most days. sometimes, when i think i'm doing fine, then someone asks "how are you doing?" and that could easily set me off.
still preparing for april 10, when Linda's name will be read for the first time in the synagogue on the approximate anniversary of her death. it will not be easy but i keep hearing from people who will be there, and some of whom will be baking special Passover things for the Oneg Shabbat after services.
getting more organized about making plane reservations. got 3 more to LA and also great deal on jetblue to NY in May. now the planning can start in earnest.
not sure what i think about Obama's calling for the ouster of the General Motors CEO. but gee, it certainly is still wonderful to listen to a president who can speak in complete sentences, with conviction and understanding. and the silly republicans trying to paint Obama as some kind of socialist.
passover is coming. i've volunteered to bring the charoseth (mixture of nuts and apples); and i may branch out to an additional one with dried apricots...more middle eastern style than my traditional eastern european recipe which i learned from my mother. i am convinced that this can only be made by chopping by hand, and i use the old stainless steel chopping blade that i inherited from my mother, along with her recipe. there is something amazingly comforting about chopping walnuts in the wooden bowl, turning every few chops. sort of like kneading dough. (it's ok to use a food processor if you are doing 20 pounds of apples. then it's ok not to hand chop, imho.)
now Liz Smith is saying that Washington DC is the new Hollywood. well, ok.
i need to go change the load from the washer to the dryer. and then think about heading to bed. tomorrow is another busy day.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
but wait, there's Facebook
so i put a link to the blog on my facebook page
and got quick replies from two women i've known for more than 10 years.
so i'm making a connection between this older part of me, the part that is connected to Linda...and the new fb me, which is more contemporary (and still connected because it is still me but not a lot of discussion of Linda)... amazing this new world.
and got quick replies from two women i've known for more than 10 years.
so i'm making a connection between this older part of me, the part that is connected to Linda...and the new fb me, which is more contemporary (and still connected because it is still me but not a lot of discussion of Linda)... amazing this new world.
just when you think it can't get any more difficult...
of course it does.
several days ago i went out and on the front porch was one of Linda's business cards from Silicon Valley Securities. i wondered what that was about. maybe she is just stopping by to say hi. saying she's still there. i guess it must have fallen out of a pocket or purse when i went for my keys. or something.
then today as i was turning the corner to take a bulk mailing to the post office, a business card (this one from the synagogue) flew out of the visor pocket and landed on the floor of the car. saying hi again. we used to take mailings together to the post office, even before Linda moved to California. i told earle, my favorite clerk, about her.
this last month is hitting me much harder than i thought it would. and continues to do so. i'm planning to host the social hour after services on april 10. where i will be surrounded by friends and family. many of my friends are my family. and i value them all. i am truly blessed.
before going out to take the cat for his walk (the ritual when i get home from work) i put on one of Linda's overshirts. of course it is way too large. but warm and comforting. i am feeling in need of that protection. i didn't realize that there are pockets down low on the side. omg i just reached in. this is the shirt Linda wore when we were in San Francisco with Aud, seeing an exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor on March 19, 2008. i have the other tickets in one of my coat pockets. i love finding things in pockets. that was the date when we went to the museum, then ate dinner at Ton Kiang and raced home to meet Angela, the hospice intake nurse. wow. that was a momentous day. Angela is fabulous. i remember the entire sequence so clearly. Angela saw how much discomfort Linda was experiencing and phoned in an order for pain meds before she finished the discussion, so that they could be delivered that night. wow. 3/19/2008.
i remember the year that we spent traveling back and forth (16 visits over 10 months) and linda would bring more clothes to leave here, hanging in the closet. when she was back in ohio, i would go into the closet to smell the shirts. smell is very evocative. at the time Linda wore YSL's champagne. delicious. powerful. later she changed to Sung by alfred sung. so i just got back from a trip to the closet. and i am inconsolable. after almost a year most everything has been washed...or has been so long away from any perfume or touch that there is no smell there. i think i really knew for a while that this was the case. but nothing quite like the stark reality staring me in the face or in the nose, as it were, to make it clear. first year. so many firsts. a variety of finalities that are not yet over. i have not yet finished the toothpaste with the roll-up clip. and speaking of passover, as i was, there is still a box of velveeta from last year, waiting to be spread on matzo.
it's gonna be a long couple of weeks.
several days ago i went out and on the front porch was one of Linda's business cards from Silicon Valley Securities. i wondered what that was about. maybe she is just stopping by to say hi. saying she's still there. i guess it must have fallen out of a pocket or purse when i went for my keys. or something.
then today as i was turning the corner to take a bulk mailing to the post office, a business card (this one from the synagogue) flew out of the visor pocket and landed on the floor of the car. saying hi again. we used to take mailings together to the post office, even before Linda moved to California. i told earle, my favorite clerk, about her.
this last month is hitting me much harder than i thought it would. and continues to do so. i'm planning to host the social hour after services on april 10. where i will be surrounded by friends and family. many of my friends are my family. and i value them all. i am truly blessed.
before going out to take the cat for his walk (the ritual when i get home from work) i put on one of Linda's overshirts. of course it is way too large. but warm and comforting. i am feeling in need of that protection. i didn't realize that there are pockets down low on the side. omg i just reached in. this is the shirt Linda wore when we were in San Francisco with Aud, seeing an exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor on March 19, 2008. i have the other tickets in one of my coat pockets. i love finding things in pockets. that was the date when we went to the museum, then ate dinner at Ton Kiang and raced home to meet Angela, the hospice intake nurse. wow. that was a momentous day. Angela is fabulous. i remember the entire sequence so clearly. Angela saw how much discomfort Linda was experiencing and phoned in an order for pain meds before she finished the discussion, so that they could be delivered that night. wow. 3/19/2008.
i remember the year that we spent traveling back and forth (16 visits over 10 months) and linda would bring more clothes to leave here, hanging in the closet. when she was back in ohio, i would go into the closet to smell the shirts. smell is very evocative. at the time Linda wore YSL's champagne. delicious. powerful. later she changed to Sung by alfred sung. so i just got back from a trip to the closet. and i am inconsolable. after almost a year most everything has been washed...or has been so long away from any perfume or touch that there is no smell there. i think i really knew for a while that this was the case. but nothing quite like the stark reality staring me in the face or in the nose, as it were, to make it clear. first year. so many firsts. a variety of finalities that are not yet over. i have not yet finished the toothpaste with the roll-up clip. and speaking of passover, as i was, there is still a box of velveeta from last year, waiting to be spread on matzo.
it's gonna be a long couple of weeks.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Passover really is my favorite Jewish holiday
and it's not just the food. it's the symbolism. how it celebrates release from bondage. and each year as Passover, we have an opportunity to examine our lives and find out what is keeping us in a place of constriction. in fact Mitzrayim, the Hebrew word for Egypt, means narrowness. so on this holiday (april 8-9 this year) i will acknowledge that this first year of mourning was my constriction. and i am almost ready to be liberated from this bondage. i will also mark this occasion with my first visit to the mikvah, the ritual bath that is used to mark special occasions. i'm doing some reading about the tradition and how i might personalize the experience. interestingly, i am on the committee for the mikvah at the JCC in Los Gatos, and we are planning a fun opening celebration in June.
monday night group continues to be good. just found out (via facebook of course) that one of the new members shares my birthday. that makes 4 of us in my group of 100* friends. amazing. Linda's yahrzeit will be read on friday april 10 which is Good Friday. a lot of the group and other friends are Catholic and so will be otherwise occupied. but they will be with us in spirit.
today i challenge myself to deal with my desk at work. maybe not completely but to make a serious difference. i need to get back to using the mug with the built-in To Do list. that really helped, silly as that might sound.
i think ketzl deserves a morning walk. don't you?
monday night group continues to be good. just found out (via facebook of course) that one of the new members shares my birthday. that makes 4 of us in my group of 100* friends. amazing. Linda's yahrzeit will be read on friday april 10 which is Good Friday. a lot of the group and other friends are Catholic and so will be otherwise occupied. but they will be with us in spirit.
today i challenge myself to deal with my desk at work. maybe not completely but to make a serious difference. i need to get back to using the mug with the built-in To Do list. that really helped, silly as that might sound.
i think ketzl deserves a morning walk. don't you?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
sunday ruminations
the long four days are now over.
lots of activity, including a one=day flight to LA. not the preferred way, but it does work ok. it was a very productive one day including a trip to the best farmers market and then out after lunch to get pedicures for all of us, and i got a mini-manicure as well. lots of fun but a bit ticklish when they file the callouses on the heels.
dinner tonight at Merit Vegetarian, a wonderful place not too far from J&R's house in sunnyvale. they do "chicken" and "beef" from meat substitutes but it does not taste fake. the spicing is wonderful and they have vegan desserts. wow. we got one each cheesecake and mocha layer cake to share among five and it was fine. totally yummy.
my arm is healed and so i took a nice soak in the tub before dinner. that plus clean sheets. what a wonderful combination. now if the cat will only let me sleep in, it will be a complete deal.
so glad this weekend is over. onward and upward. a busy week ahead. and drawing closer to the one year anniversary. almost everyone i speak with has the same reaction: how can it be a year already? it feels at the same time both a much shorter time and a much longer. time is strange. that's all i can conclude. reminders about friday april 10 service at 7:30 PM, and dinner monday april 13 for thai. have to figure out how to do this thai food during passover. technically. i should not have rice. however, one of the key ingredients in sticky rice with mango is (duh) rice. on the "do not eat" list for most. ah well. some things transcend the normal religious rules. imho.
lots of activity, including a one=day flight to LA. not the preferred way, but it does work ok. it was a very productive one day including a trip to the best farmers market and then out after lunch to get pedicures for all of us, and i got a mini-manicure as well. lots of fun but a bit ticklish when they file the callouses on the heels.
dinner tonight at Merit Vegetarian, a wonderful place not too far from J&R's house in sunnyvale. they do "chicken" and "beef" from meat substitutes but it does not taste fake. the spicing is wonderful and they have vegan desserts. wow. we got one each cheesecake and mocha layer cake to share among five and it was fine. totally yummy.
my arm is healed and so i took a nice soak in the tub before dinner. that plus clean sheets. what a wonderful combination. now if the cat will only let me sleep in, it will be a complete deal.
so glad this weekend is over. onward and upward. a busy week ahead. and drawing closer to the one year anniversary. almost everyone i speak with has the same reaction: how can it be a year already? it feels at the same time both a much shorter time and a much longer. time is strange. that's all i can conclude. reminders about friday april 10 service at 7:30 PM, and dinner monday april 13 for thai. have to figure out how to do this thai food during passover. technically. i should not have rice. however, one of the key ingredients in sticky rice with mango is (duh) rice. on the "do not eat" list for most. ah well. some things transcend the normal religious rules. imho.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
#250
this is post #250. in not quite a year. that's pretty amazing all by itself.
tonight is the night that President Obama makes an appearance on Jay Leno. wow. what have we come to in this modern age. well, i guess if i can be on facebook and have a g-phone, anything is possible.
this is a ridiculously busy weekend. i hope i survive until Monday. friday is open house shabbat, always a challenge. down to LA for the day on Saturday. sunday is mitzvah day at the synagogue. just keep putting one foot in front of the other. and remember to breathe. good start.
i have put out the invitation to a host of folks to be with me on April 10 when Linda's name will be read for the first time. we'll see who shows up. and then food on monday the 13th. i know i won't be alone. these are not closed events. even if specific invites were not received, all are welcome.
i'm tired, as usual. at work we have started getting up from behind our desks and doing stretches, a few yoga postures. it is a lot of fun. but more fun is the electronic remote control whoopee cushion. that is really a bucket of laffs. it was really painful when the rabbi commandeered it for Purim. but we are back in business.
facebook continues to amaze me.
tonight is the night that President Obama makes an appearance on Jay Leno. wow. what have we come to in this modern age. well, i guess if i can be on facebook and have a g-phone, anything is possible.
this is a ridiculously busy weekend. i hope i survive until Monday. friday is open house shabbat, always a challenge. down to LA for the day on Saturday. sunday is mitzvah day at the synagogue. just keep putting one foot in front of the other. and remember to breathe. good start.
i have put out the invitation to a host of folks to be with me on April 10 when Linda's name will be read for the first time. we'll see who shows up. and then food on monday the 13th. i know i won't be alone. these are not closed events. even if specific invites were not received, all are welcome.
i'm tired, as usual. at work we have started getting up from behind our desks and doing stretches, a few yoga postures. it is a lot of fun. but more fun is the electronic remote control whoopee cushion. that is really a bucket of laffs. it was really painful when the rabbi commandeered it for Purim. but we are back in business.
facebook continues to amaze me.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
i guess i'm not quite there yet
i guess i'm not quite there yet
i'm looking for the balance point
between remembering and letting go
between keeping the shared experiences, the stories, the life we shared
as a present part of my self
and being able to step into the future
as the new me.
i have been told
more than once
that i will know it when it happens
finding the balance point
when it feels too hard to go on alone
i'm not there yet
when i worry that i will forget
and i don't want to
i'm not there yet
sometimes when i look at photographs
or any of the multitude of things that still connect me to Linda
and feel her love wrapped around me so tenderly
then i don't want to move forward
for fear of losing it altogether
but at least i know that out there
in the future
there is a balance point
i guess i'm not quite there yet
but i will know.
i'm looking for the balance point
between remembering and letting go
between keeping the shared experiences, the stories, the life we shared
as a present part of my self
and being able to step into the future
as the new me.
i have been told
more than once
that i will know it when it happens
finding the balance point
when it feels too hard to go on alone
i'm not there yet
when i worry that i will forget
and i don't want to
i'm not there yet
sometimes when i look at photographs
or any of the multitude of things that still connect me to Linda
and feel her love wrapped around me so tenderly
then i don't want to move forward
for fear of losing it altogether
but at least i know that out there
in the future
there is a balance point
i guess i'm not quite there yet
but i will know.
musings on a cold walk with the cat
so ketzl is deaf, and while i talk to him (fruitlessly) when we are at home (ok, we're going to get some asparagus for you now) when we walk, i tend to be completely silent. and let ketzl set the pace, and sniff and explore at his leisure. tonight when i got home, we set right out. i forgot that when the sun goes down and the wind comes up, that i should have grabbed a jacket to go over my light wool sweater. over a shirt with purple, black and GREEN stripes. so it was cold and even though ketzl found some things of interest that caught his attention, we were back home in 20 minutes.
i've been doing a fair amount of writing recently in a variety of places. poems. letters to Linda. other small pieces.
today i wrote to friends and family, inviting them to services at the synagogue for Linda's yahrzeit. and to thai food on April 13, the actual anniversary of her death.
it is all still quite strange. talking in past tenses. using the words "died," "death," "passing." and yet there are the joyful times, looking at picture albums of trips, remembering doing puzzles together, competing in Jotto, enjoying meals in favorite haunts. a lot of joy.
who am i now? i'm still very much The Deborah (as my children are wont to call me). and yet how changed i am, from before i knew Linda. from before she got sick. from while she was sick. from since she died. (there's that word again). all of these have the underlying sameness of me and yet in each "incarnation," there is such difference.
and i'm getting ready. watching as this last month draws to a close. living it as fully as i can, knowing that "now is all we ever really have." it makes each "now" all the more precious, doesn't it? i'm getting ready. ready to be able to say "YES!" and mean it. i'm not quite there yet, which is the subject of a poem i wrote that i will post here forthwith.
i've been doing a fair amount of writing recently in a variety of places. poems. letters to Linda. other small pieces.
today i wrote to friends and family, inviting them to services at the synagogue for Linda's yahrzeit. and to thai food on April 13, the actual anniversary of her death.
it is all still quite strange. talking in past tenses. using the words "died," "death," "passing." and yet there are the joyful times, looking at picture albums of trips, remembering doing puzzles together, competing in Jotto, enjoying meals in favorite haunts. a lot of joy.
who am i now? i'm still very much The Deborah (as my children are wont to call me). and yet how changed i am, from before i knew Linda. from before she got sick. from while she was sick. from since she died. (there's that word again). all of these have the underlying sameness of me and yet in each "incarnation," there is such difference.
and i'm getting ready. watching as this last month draws to a close. living it as fully as i can, knowing that "now is all we ever really have." it makes each "now" all the more precious, doesn't it? i'm getting ready. ready to be able to say "YES!" and mean it. i'm not quite there yet, which is the subject of a poem i wrote that i will post here forthwith.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
it's still difficult
as i go to the thumbnail in the right column over there...
"I started this blog on April 21, 2008. On April 13th, my sweet Linda died after battling pancreatic cancer for 4 years. I had been composing her blog since October 2007 when we returned from England. It was time for that to end, and my new journey to begin."
as i enter the final month of this first year, this incredible year of firsts....i can feel so much welling up to the surface. most days i've been doing really "well," whatever that means. but as this anniversary approaches, i'm feeling pretty vulnerable. i will, as always, continue to rely on my friends for love and support. with much gratitude for all the blessings in my life, new and old.
"I started this blog on April 21, 2008. On April 13th, my sweet Linda died after battling pancreatic cancer for 4 years. I had been composing her blog since October 2007 when we returned from England. It was time for that to end, and my new journey to begin."
as i enter the final month of this first year, this incredible year of firsts....i can feel so much welling up to the surface. most days i've been doing really "well," whatever that means. but as this anniversary approaches, i'm feeling pretty vulnerable. i will, as always, continue to rely on my friends for love and support. with much gratitude for all the blessings in my life, new and old.
despite dire predictions...
there seem to be a LOT of apricots setting now. maybe half an inch long. clusters of them. apricots alternate heavy and lighter fruiting years. and 2007 was heavy, so given the best information, last year should have been light. it wasn't. so the prediction was in that this year would be light, and i was worried about the wind and the rain. but timing seems to have been ok. i know, i know, some of them may fall off before they mature. but as of this morning, i am cautiously optimistic.
today seems to be the day of Deborah doing transportation. i have a date with a key volunteer from the synagogue, who arranged tickets to see Carol Channing this afternoon. in the evening i will be taking another friend to a concert of lovely music by Symphony Silicon Valley with chorales (his wife is singing) and his new car is not quite ready yet. so i have a lot to get done before i take off. like folding towels. and cleaning the car.
i am pondering. i have written two poems recently. one is still a bit too new to post here but i'm thinking about it. part of the transition.
got a note yesterday from the grief group facilitator, who commented that she hadn't yet shared the bus analogy with us. we are on a bus. everyone dear to us is on the bus, including those who pre-decease us. but they stay on the bus. particularly with spouses, at first they sit next to us. later they might move to the row ahead. toward the back. across the aisle. but they never leave our bus. sometimes they come back to sit next to us. always there somewhere in the realm. that's a good way of looking at things. not in view but still there. close.
today seems to be the day of Deborah doing transportation. i have a date with a key volunteer from the synagogue, who arranged tickets to see Carol Channing this afternoon. in the evening i will be taking another friend to a concert of lovely music by Symphony Silicon Valley with chorales (his wife is singing) and his new car is not quite ready yet. so i have a lot to get done before i take off. like folding towels. and cleaning the car.
i am pondering. i have written two poems recently. one is still a bit too new to post here but i'm thinking about it. part of the transition.
got a note yesterday from the grief group facilitator, who commented that she hadn't yet shared the bus analogy with us. we are on a bus. everyone dear to us is on the bus, including those who pre-decease us. but they stay on the bus. particularly with spouses, at first they sit next to us. later they might move to the row ahead. toward the back. across the aisle. but they never leave our bus. sometimes they come back to sit next to us. always there somewhere in the realm. that's a good way of looking at things. not in view but still there. close.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The LindAlphabet
With thanks to everyone who contributed. Herewith an edited version of all the words.
If anyone has any questions about the references, feel free to inquire. Additional suggestions also welcome.
The LindAlphabet
A argyle, archivist, Akron, Audrey, Adam
B butterfly, brilliant, Bubbles, brisket, Badgers, Blauner, bargain hunter, banded collar shirts
C chocolate, completion, courage, computer, California, camping, camp (Owaissa), Chinese food (New York), carnivore
D dancer, (attention to) detail, driver, Deborah, David, Daniel, (the) Diner
E encyclopedic knowledge, eggs (scrambled well in butter), elegance,
F friends, fighter, foodie, fresh flowers, friend, Florida, fun, funny
G generous, guitar, grin
H historian, handkerchiefs, hats, Halloween costumes and candy, humor, hugs
I independence, Inga, inspirational, I-80
J jotto, Jewish, Julia, joy, Jeremy, jokes, John Sieberling, Juris Doctor
K Ketzl, Klein, kisses, knives
L Learned, lively, Linny-Pinny, laugh, lox, lawyer, love, leather
M motorcycle, meticulous, matzo meal pancakes, Mom, Mommy, masters degree in taxation, master futzer, Marc's, movies, music, musicals
N nectarine, New York, night owl
O Ohio, orange juice, organized, onion bagels
P photographer, passionate, planner, puzzles, piano
Q Queen of F*#@ing Everything, Q-tips
R roses, Rummikub, road trips
S smile, swimmer, self-taught, Scrabble, singing/singer, SoInKleined Enterprises
T tennis, Tamiami Trail, traveler, Tovah Leah
U uncompromising, University of Akron, University of Wisconsin
V vibrant, validating
W wonton soup, White Plains, wit, words, Wisconsin, warrior
X eXacting, xoxoxoxox
Y young at heart
Z zest for life, Zips (Univ of Akron mascot)
If anyone has any questions about the references, feel free to inquire. Additional suggestions also welcome.
The LindAlphabet
A argyle, archivist, Akron, Audrey, Adam
B butterfly, brilliant, Bubbles, brisket, Badgers, Blauner, bargain hunter, banded collar shirts
C chocolate, completion, courage, computer, California, camping, camp (Owaissa), Chinese food (New York), carnivore
D dancer, (attention to) detail, driver, Deborah, David, Daniel, (the) Diner
E encyclopedic knowledge, eggs (scrambled well in butter), elegance,
F friends, fighter, foodie, fresh flowers, friend, Florida, fun, funny
G generous, guitar, grin
H historian, handkerchiefs, hats, Halloween costumes and candy, humor, hugs
I independence, Inga, inspirational, I-80
J jotto, Jewish, Julia, joy, Jeremy, jokes, John Sieberling, Juris Doctor
K Ketzl, Klein, kisses, knives
L Learned, lively, Linny-Pinny, laugh, lox, lawyer, love, leather
M motorcycle, meticulous, matzo meal pancakes, Mom, Mommy, masters degree in taxation, master futzer, Marc's, movies, music, musicals
N nectarine, New York, night owl
O Ohio, orange juice, organized, onion bagels
P photographer, passionate, planner, puzzles, piano
Q Queen of F*#@ing Everything, Q-tips
R roses, Rummikub, road trips
S smile, swimmer, self-taught, Scrabble, singing/singer, SoInKleined Enterprises
T tennis, Tamiami Trail, traveler, Tovah Leah
U uncompromising, University of Akron, University of Wisconsin
V vibrant, validating
W wonton soup, White Plains, wit, words, Wisconsin, warrior
X eXacting, xoxoxoxox
Y young at heart
Z zest for life, Zips (Univ of Akron mascot)
Friday, March 13, 2009
today i got a notice from the office
well, the desk around the corner where the volunteer folds such things...
it was telling me that Linda's name will be read at services on Friday, April 10. Even though i know that today is 11 months, and next month will be a full year, seeing that in print is very difficult.
and yet the sun is shining. there will be great music for Rock Shabbat tonight. my pants fit better (or the bigger ones don't fit anymore). so things are looking up in many ways.
and yet ...
how incredible it is that almost a full year has gone by...months filled with individual counseling and now the grief support group. people in many areas of my life who have been so supportive, helpful, etc.
but so many things have not moved in that almost year. maybe it is time to think about spring cleaning with a vengeance, now that there is daylight later and it will continue to get better in that regard.
but it did hit me hard to see things in black and white. i'm not much of a black and white kinda person. but there is that letter. the name of your dear departed loved one will be read at services on Friday, April 10. services will be at 7:30 pm. there it is.
it was telling me that Linda's name will be read at services on Friday, April 10. Even though i know that today is 11 months, and next month will be a full year, seeing that in print is very difficult.
and yet the sun is shining. there will be great music for Rock Shabbat tonight. my pants fit better (or the bigger ones don't fit anymore). so things are looking up in many ways.
and yet ...
how incredible it is that almost a full year has gone by...months filled with individual counseling and now the grief support group. people in many areas of my life who have been so supportive, helpful, etc.
but so many things have not moved in that almost year. maybe it is time to think about spring cleaning with a vengeance, now that there is daylight later and it will continue to get better in that regard.
but it did hit me hard to see things in black and white. i'm not much of a black and white kinda person. but there is that letter. the name of your dear departed loved one will be read at services on Friday, April 10. services will be at 7:30 pm. there it is.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
another first and a second
this morning i changed the bulbs in the overhead light/fan combo in the bedroom. there are three things hanging from the screws which hold the glass shade in place: two lacquered ornaments...a bee (dvora) and a butterfly (linda), and the threecolor nylon windsock (i know it should be outside) that we got in big sur. so i removed each of them, took the shade off and washed it. replaced the bulbs. have to research to see if you can use CFL's with a dimmer switch. don't think so. but the dimmer works well in here. so then put everything back up. voila. done. not so hard. even i can reach from standing on the end of the bed. no biggie. another first.
seconds: today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of Ann Levine, my dear sweet mother. it's still pretty much a blur.
no walking this morning so i'll take advantage of the time to clean up the kitchen. not eating a lot keeps things pretty manageable.
i'm getting close to posting the LindAlphabet. it won't be the complete version with everyone's full lists...selected. this friday is eleven months. that is also pretty hard to comprehend.
silly cat. he got up on the top of the glass shelves in the bathroom, and then meowed to get down. hadn't been up there in ages. but he figured out how to do it by himself. i think i'll let him be outside for a while as i work in the kitchen.
things are progressing re gardens front and back. choosing new plum trees for the mini-orchard! plums!! and nice stuff for the area in front of the house now that the huge camellia is gone. deck is gone and the ground was rototilled with compost yesterday. keeping fingers crossed that cold and wind and rain do not deplete the apricot crop. weather is an iffy thing. looking forward to a new fence in the back, too. that will be a major improvement.
seconds: today is the 2nd anniversary of the death of Ann Levine, my dear sweet mother. it's still pretty much a blur.
no walking this morning so i'll take advantage of the time to clean up the kitchen. not eating a lot keeps things pretty manageable.
i'm getting close to posting the LindAlphabet. it won't be the complete version with everyone's full lists...selected. this friday is eleven months. that is also pretty hard to comprehend.
silly cat. he got up on the top of the glass shelves in the bathroom, and then meowed to get down. hadn't been up there in ages. but he figured out how to do it by himself. i think i'll let him be outside for a while as i work in the kitchen.
things are progressing re gardens front and back. choosing new plum trees for the mini-orchard! plums!! and nice stuff for the area in front of the house now that the huge camellia is gone. deck is gone and the ground was rototilled with compost yesterday. keeping fingers crossed that cold and wind and rain do not deplete the apricot crop. weather is an iffy thing. looking forward to a new fence in the back, too. that will be a major improvement.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
back from Santa Monica again
a fairly successful visit, all in all.
yoga, out to lunch at Fromin's, a wonderful deli with corned beef on rye with cole slaw.
i don't remember my father ever eating french fries as i was growing up. (in fact there is a story that we went out to a diner once when my sister was about 6 or 7 years old, and the waitress asked if she wanted french fries and she asked, "what's french fries?" she literally had never had them...we didn't do fast food.) so i gather that he is making up for lost time. and yummy soup and a visit to the counter to pick up other stuff to take home, like rugelach and blintzes. and rye bread. yum.
the cat was not satisfied with the walk, which i did first thing. so he is outside on the tether while i type, unpack, do laundry and get ready for the week. i also remembered to reset all the clocks. i think i'm pretty quick at remembering how each one works. phew. one of the drawbacks to being away on the day/night that daylight savings time begins.
tomorrow is the adult purim evening. i need a costume. i'm drawing a blank. oh i just realized that it conflict with monday night group. so i'll split the difference. no costume then.
so i did make it down to the ocean. i promised adam that if i'm there for two days, i'll go to the shore. audrey suggested that i take down an old pair of sneakers to leave in the closet. great idea!! i'll do that in two weeks then. take the oldest.
things are just slowing down down there. it's hard in some ways. not so hard in others.
this friday is 11 months, for those of us who are counting. that would include me.
yoga, out to lunch at Fromin's, a wonderful deli with corned beef on rye with cole slaw.
i don't remember my father ever eating french fries as i was growing up. (in fact there is a story that we went out to a diner once when my sister was about 6 or 7 years old, and the waitress asked if she wanted french fries and she asked, "what's french fries?" she literally had never had them...we didn't do fast food.) so i gather that he is making up for lost time. and yummy soup and a visit to the counter to pick up other stuff to take home, like rugelach and blintzes. and rye bread. yum.
the cat was not satisfied with the walk, which i did first thing. so he is outside on the tether while i type, unpack, do laundry and get ready for the week. i also remembered to reset all the clocks. i think i'm pretty quick at remembering how each one works. phew. one of the drawbacks to being away on the day/night that daylight savings time begins.
tomorrow is the adult purim evening. i need a costume. i'm drawing a blank. oh i just realized that it conflict with monday night group. so i'll split the difference. no costume then.
so i did make it down to the ocean. i promised adam that if i'm there for two days, i'll go to the shore. audrey suggested that i take down an old pair of sneakers to leave in the closet. great idea!! i'll do that in two weeks then. take the oldest.
things are just slowing down down there. it's hard in some ways. not so hard in others.
this friday is 11 months, for those of us who are counting. that would include me.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
balancing act
balance is not necessarily moderation. on the ride home tonight after a yummy birthday dinner with daniel (happy 23 tomorrow) i listed to Bart Erhman on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. very interesting. his path led from fundamentalist christian to agnostic. he has written a book on the inconsistencies within the New Testament, who wrote which gospels, etc. he realized at one point that he did not need belief in order to be a good person. that we are hard wired to treat others as we would wish to be treated. so once he accepted that he would not turn into a person without ethics or values, he changed his approach. teaches in the dept of religious studies (so these issues still matter to him) at UNC Chapel Hill. that's not an easy place necessarily to be an avowed agnostic.
i forget if i wrote here some of the slightly cute tidbits from Noah Ben Shea's PBS lecture. i flipped past him again tonight, and he was at the point of: don't let the past determine your future. we have only two arms. if we are holding tight onto the past, we can't embrace our future.
so that's the balance. finding out how to remember the past. honor the past. celebrate what was. without being stuck there. it must be doable. others before me have done it. doesn't only apply to spousal loss. relevant really to everyone. balance is also between work and home. i have to be careful not to seek too much refuge in the structure, people and activities of work. not to use it as an escape. but i realize that i need that connection. but it is something of which to be aware.
one other snippet that sticks:
the only mistake you can make is not learning from the last one. i'll have to keep that in mind when i make a mistake next.
trying to work out a date for the unveiling of Linda's headstone at Valhalla Cemetery just outside of White Plains NY. takes some negotiating. we'll get there.
so happy birthday, younger son. my gift to you, as promised, is not to call at 7:30 in the morning to sing happy birthday.
i forget if i wrote here some of the slightly cute tidbits from Noah Ben Shea's PBS lecture. i flipped past him again tonight, and he was at the point of: don't let the past determine your future. we have only two arms. if we are holding tight onto the past, we can't embrace our future.
so that's the balance. finding out how to remember the past. honor the past. celebrate what was. without being stuck there. it must be doable. others before me have done it. doesn't only apply to spousal loss. relevant really to everyone. balance is also between work and home. i have to be careful not to seek too much refuge in the structure, people and activities of work. not to use it as an escape. but i realize that i need that connection. but it is something of which to be aware.
one other snippet that sticks:
the only mistake you can make is not learning from the last one. i'll have to keep that in mind when i make a mistake next.
trying to work out a date for the unveiling of Linda's headstone at Valhalla Cemetery just outside of White Plains NY. takes some negotiating. we'll get there.
so happy birthday, younger son. my gift to you, as promised, is not to call at 7:30 in the morning to sing happy birthday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)