thursday, thursday

so today i picked up a bunch of nectarines that had fallen. at first i thought there weren't many but as they ripened it is clear that Daphne has done it again...there are huge numbers, still with the weird scaly white stuff but peeled, these are fabulous. at the risk of being repititious, nectarines were Linda's favorite. i so clearly remember August 19, 1999 on Linda's second day in California, she picked one from the tree and called her mother to tell her "Mom, I can't believe this -- I'm eating a nectarine that I just picked off the tree!" it was the first of many, for 8 years. so this is the first summer that Linda is not sharing in the harvest. i have to eat (and share) a lot to keep up.

tonight as i was taking out the garbage, the sun was setting and the east foothills wore that wonderful golden glow. that's one of the reasons why i love living near the hills. remember, Lisa, how nice it is? oh, i forget: you have quite a view out your back deck...it's just further away....

today on the drive home, i thought i could get through an entire CD of Tret Fure songs without tears...but i was wrong. almost though. and i am hearing new things in the words, enjoying the power of the music, hearing fingers slide on the strings...and i can smile. "you are there, when i least and most expect it, you are always there..." wish you could hear the music. probably there are sound clips on her website, www.tretfure.com give a listen. she's amazing.

i'm so glad i put out the word about the Diane Sawyer show on Randy Pausch on Tuesday night. many were not aware of it. there's still time to watch it, i hope, at abc.com

i have faith that eventually i will be able to put in links and even photos here. something else i could have learned from Linda.

but in the meantime, i will do my best on the nectarines. summer is a good time.

Partners in Kindness...an email that comes periodically

every once in a while you need something a bit mushy.
these posts fit that bill, but often are really pretty good.
i share with you something from today. what appears below is so obvious, simple, truthful. really harkens back to what Randy Pausch said: "tell the truth." "all the time."

"Every Time…"
From Kindness: Making a Difference in People's Lives: Formulas, stories, and insights
By Zelig Pliskin
Printed with Permission of Shaar Press

Every time you act kindly, the world has more kindness.

Every time you are compassionate, the world has more compassion.

Every time you smile to someone, the world is a more cheerful place.

Every time you help transform someone’s worry into serenity, the world is a more serene place.

Every time you calm someone who is angry, the world is a more pleasant place.

Every time you give money to charity, the world is a more charitable place.

Every time you encourage someone to do something for others, you are creating a partner to make a better world.

Some people spend way too much time complaining about the awful state the world is in. There is too much aggression and violence. There is too little kindness and compassion. There is too much anger and depression and too little serenity and joy.

If someone complains and complains, the world is still full of whatever it is the person is complaining about and now more complaining has been added. Conversely, if someone spreads compassion and kindness, the world improves. The ripple effect can spread these positive qualities. A little positive action is more beneficial than a mountain full of complaints.

Every time you visit someone who is ill, you are making the world a kinder place to live in.

Every time you comfort a mourner, you are making the world a kinder place to live in.

Every time you judge someone favorably, you are making the world a kinder place to live in.

Every time you lend one of your possessions to someone, you are making the world a kinder place to live in.

Every time you help a stranger find his way, you are making the world a kinder place to live in.

What comes out from all of this is that there is no such thing as an insignificant kind act. Because every time you do an act of kindness you are elevating the world we live in.

-----------------------------------------------------------------



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Although the content of these e-mails contains copyrighted material, Partners in Kindness allows users who register at our website to reprint them in print, on a website, or on an e-mail distribution list at no cost.

If you have permission to reprint this e-mail, please ensure that you reprint the entire e-mail (including this notice).

Names of people, places, and other details mentioned in these stories may have been changed to protect privacy.

Kindness is like music, art, sports or any other discipline -- it can only be mastered with practice, training, and lots and lots of encouragement. That is what PartnersInKindness.org is trying to promote.

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success and interesting experiences

Audrey called to report a success on finding a cloth flower for the suit jacket, and a silver purse. Woo hoo!

Tonight I went back to the Great Mall and had a disappointing time.
Except that -- hold onto your hats, boys and girls --
I actually tried on Manolos at Neiman Marcus Last Chance.
wow. there was one pair that really would go with the blue dress but the fit was weird. there was one pair of Manolos, small heel, brown, less than 1 sq. inch of leather, some plastic beads, plastic chain. list price $750. much less on sale. you are paying for the name. omg. i also tried on some pink flats but also a strange fit. so Sarah Jessica Parker and I share something...except she probably owns hers and i tried some on. oh well.

listening to Tret Fure's music in the car.
one lovely lyric: "how in the world do we find each other?" made me smile.

so back to the beginning. it was really pretty amazing that one woman in Ohio could find one woman in California when the woman in California wasn't even completely out to herself. and, given all the horror stories of online romances that fizzle, get scary or are just weird, that the relationship should last for almost 9 years....that, too, is amazing.

so, through the tears, i am incredibly grateful that Linda found me and was so convinced that we were meant to be together...orchestrating the visits back and forth for the first ten months (15 trips total between the two of us) before she moved out in May 2000, that our families got along and felt connected, and still do...

Ketzl is out front, on the rock by the sidewalk, sitting on the rock, in the cool night air.

i hope that anyone who didn't see the ABC special on Randy Pausch last night will be able to catch it online. uplifting, inspiring and touching. yup.

ABC Prime Time show on Randy Pausch was really great

Hope many people got a chance to watch. I'm sure it can be found on abc.com later. Diane Sawyer did a wonderful job, both with the interview portions and staying composed. It was as I anticipated both poignant and uplifting. A lot of good messages on how to live our lives. Tell the truth. All the time. Problems are meant to be solved. What was the best thing that happened today?...it's the question he asked when he tucked his children into bed, and he couldn't answer that when posed by Sawyer because "the day isn't over and something really good could still happen." I think maybe i need to break down and get the book.

Ketzl does love that asparagus. and this laptop computer.
Tomorrow I think I'll leave him a paper bag (without handles) to play with during the day. He is being really rambunctious tonight.

Carrie Fisher was wonderful (second time)

Accompanied by friends, Audrey and I saw "Wishful Drinking" the one woman show of Carrie Fisher's. Even though I knew some of what to expect, it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening, starting with fabulous dinner at House of Siam. We told them we would be back for dessert after the show, and we did.

Sitting in the front row, our group was prime targets for audience participation. Linda F. got to smell the clove cigarette (and got one to keep, which she gave to me) and Susan B. was the respondent who answered "divorce" during Hollywood Inbreeding 101. She got a plastic medal (which she gave to me). Carrie even mentioned Linda's name out loud during the show. Woo hoo!

Before the curtain went up, a staffer said he would check to see if "we" could go backstage afterwards. At intermission he said Aud and I could go. So we did. Carrie was again very gracious and fun, tired after two shows, but welcoming. She is going through electroshock therapy for her bipolar condition, and one side effect is loss of visual memory. She had noticed our sticker badges with Linda's face on them. We talked a bit, about David and Julia getting married, repeated the story of how Aud & Lida are related, and thanked her for her kindness, and get nice warm hugs in return. The show plays through August 2nd.

Group photos were taken on the steps in the lobby. While Aud and I were meeting with Carrie, an advance group went back to the restaurant and order 3 desserts. When I got there, I ordered an additional two sticky rice with mango. Razmik doubted that we could finish it (especially since he wasn't eating any)....but WE DID IT!! easily. For many people it was their FIRST sticky rice with mango. Warm sticky rice, with coconut cream on it and a few toasted sesame seeds, with slices of ripe mango around. wow. perfection. There is history to this dessert: on Linda's first night in San Jose (August 18, 1999) we went to a Thai restaurant and that is what we had. Because mango anything is better than almost anything else...it easily became our favorite dessert, which we only skipped when the mangoes weren't ripe enough. I heartily recommend it, and now there are more people who would share in that recommendation.

A joy to share a new restaurant, a new dessert, and a wonderful "show" with friends.

This morning I stayed home and Aud and I packed up some of the boxes that I will be shipping. Lots of bubble wrap and tape. We made it to the airport on time, but the plane was delayed and on her arrival in NY it was a long time getting baggage and a cab before getting home.

On ABC they had something this morning and will on Tuesday morning as well about Randy Pausch. Diane Sawyer is hosting something at 10 PM on Tuesday. Not sure if it is a repeat of her earlier interview. In any case I'm sure it will be worth watching. What a wonderful advocate he was for education about pancreatic cancer. I hope you out in blogland will join me in watching, if you are up that late.

one feature of blogger is a link to "next blog."
a slightly cheesy piece i found a few days ago and wrote down to share:

If you ever feel down and blue
Dry your eyes my friend
Look to your side and I will be there.
Through thick and thin
the good and the bad
I will be there.
Remember the times that we shared.
Think of the laughs we had
and the troubles we beared.
Smile, my friend,
I will be there.

You should hear the sound of Ketzl's run through the house: like a mini-elephant. He goes across the living room, up the chair by the window, up onto the stereo cabinet, and across, delicately in front of the new TV (which sits on top of the old TV), onto the piano where he goes to the end and looks at me. What a romp! He's getting used to sleeping (at least in the beginning) on the grey and white polar fleece blanket here on the love seat in the family room.

The Olympics start soon in Beijing. Tonight there was a small piece on NPR that actually since the games were awarded in 2001, the human rights situation has actually worsened. oh joy. And there is renewed concern about air quality. When Jeremy was there several years ago, he came home with holes in his t-shirts from the air pollution. What was the IOC thinking when they chose China as the host for 2008?

So now I can start planning the baseball game.
Am I keeping too busy?
Still need to do shoe shopping (oh no, not shoe shopping?!).
Need to time my haircut.
Lots to think about.
Tomorrow i have an appt with my favorite (and only) chiropractor. and i get to bring produce.

This morning's harvest included peaches, nectarines, cucumbers and tomatoes. o ye of little faith: the tomatoes are coming in but way too many yellow pairs. i need to get htem earlier wo hopefully they won't be mushy. i remember when i planted the tomatoes and swore off mentioning them until harvest. well, harvest is here!

From "Good Grief: Healing through the Shadow of Loss"

tissue alert perhaps.

I've noted this quote before:
If you want to stop, then stop.
If you are seeking a time when you will be finished,
you will never be done.

Deborah Morris Coryell writes in the epilogue:

"...we never "complete" our grieving. We are never finished with it. Our grief lives as long as we live.

"It changes. It has rhythms. Sometimes it is present in its absence and sometimes it is absence that makes our grief present. Sometimes we are strong and fearless in the face of our grief, and sometimes we are frightened and vulnerable. It is all part of the tapestry of our livlesl and by the very act of weaving our losses into that tapestry, we ensure that our losses are part of our wholeness. And so we heal."

Marking the passage of time:
today is 15 weeks since Linda died.
today is 17 weeks since we saw Carrie Fisher in Berkeley.
today is 10 weeks since the celebration of Linda's life.
today is 9 years and 2 weeks since Linda and I first connected online.
i think that's 470 weeks.
so in the scheme of things, 15 as a fraction of 470 is still pretty small.
15 weeks is still so recent.
it is impossible for me, now, to think in terms of actually using months and then years to measure the passage of time.

Back to page 42 in "Good Grief":
"Healing our grief means continuing to love in the face of loss. The face of loss -- what we see -- is that someone or something is gone. The heart of loss teaches us that nothing -- no thing -- we have every known can be lost. What we have known we have taken into ourselves in such a way that it has become part of the very fabric of our being. It is part of who we are, and as long as we are alive we have the capability to continue to love even that which is no longer a part of our daily reality."

and it is still weird
and sometimes it is still really hard.

ps newspaper retrieved. carrie fisher got a very good review in the lifestyle section.

Sunday, Sunday

Here is where you can find a longer obituary for Randy Pausch, from Carnegie Mellon in Pittsburgh where he taught. Not sure if this will be an actual link because I don't know how to do that. Yet. http://www.cmu.edu/news/archive/2008/July/july25_pausch.shtml

Stoopid cat. Here we thought he would be generous on a Sunday, but no. 6:00 AM he is up and meowing in the bedroom. Not wanting him to wake Audrey, I get up and let him outside. It is before the Sunday paper is delivered. New definition of "too early."

There are squirrels chasing across the roof and onto the apricot tree. If Ketzl were inside, he still wouldn't hear them.

Saturday was pretty accomplishful. Breakfast with Jeremy and Daniel, a massive foray to Valley Fair which had a variety of successes, most important of which was the purchase of suitss for J&D for David and Julia's wedding in SEVEN WEEKS. which means we leave in six weeks. !!!!! Shoe shopping (maybe successful), return one jacket to REI, retrieve glasses left at Maxim's. Then on to the major focal point of the day, an open house at Jeff & Razmik's for Jamie McLeod, who is running for re-election to the Santa Clara City Council. She is very capable, intelligent, well-spoken, etc. Turns out that she grew up in Kenya, and her partner Vanessa was born there. Fortunately, Christine (www.yoursafariexpert.com) was there too to discover this wonderful piece of information and get new connections to the Kenyan community in the South Bay. Christine had brought copies of the brochure for her quickie September safari (two weeks) that is coming up soon. We got a recommendation to a Kenyan restaurant, the story of which will wait for another day. Or not.

On returning home, we found that "Under the Tuscan Sun" was on TV! Wonderful movie in our favorite genre: romantic comedy. Aud and I had discussed this earlier in the week (is it only a week?) because of Kate Walsh's small role as Sandra Oh's girlfriend. We did a bit of research at the end of the movie because it turns out the film is a variation on what actually happened to the author, Frances Mayes. Who coincindentally teaches writing at SF State. Check it out on IMDB.

There was a bit of wind here yesterday (what a relief!) and on the ride home we could actually see the eastern foothills without any smoke haze. What a relief. This morning's fog looks like plain fog, instead of enhanced with smoke particulate matter.

Daphne was right: blasting the hibiscus with strong water streams did get rid of most of the aphids. I'll have to try that again today. Ants continue to wander in to the house in various locations but nothing serious in the kitchen, thank goodness.

If we don't decide to go a movie, today will be the first day that Audrey and I spend around the house. (Just heard the newspaper arrive.) It's been a busy week.

We are all prepared (well, mostly) for tonight's outing to the Carrie Fisher show. I have the stickers ready (thanks, Christine) as "badges" with Linda's picture, and the purple PanCAN ribbon pins. I did send a fax (Marcy you are so smart!) to Carrie c/o the SJ Rep so she knows we will be there. I am remembering to bring tissues, not knowing at all how this will feel. Fortunately, I will be in the company of dear friends.

The squirrels are chittering in the tree and on the fence behind me as I sit on the floor of the family room typing. They must miss the pepper tree from out front. I know I do.

And of course, I miss Linda deeply.

Randy Pausch -- r.i.p.

Excerpts from the AP obituary for Randy Pausch, who died today from pancreatic cancer at the age of 47. He is survived by his wife, Jai, and three very young children, Dylan, Logan and Chloe.

Randy Pausch said obstacles serve a purpose: They "give us a chance to show how badly we want something." Confronted with incurable cancer, he devised a last lecture that became an Internet sensation, a best-selling book and a celebration of a life spent achieving his dreams.

Ten months after giving the lecture, Pausch died Friday at his home in Chesapeake , Va. , said Jeffrey Zaslow, the Wall Street Journal writer who co-wrote Pausch's book "The Last Lecture." Pausch was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in September 2006. A year later, he gave the popular 76-minute speech titled "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams."

A professor of computer science, human-computer interaction and design, Pausch was recognized as a pioneer of virtual reality research and became known on campus for his flamboyance and showmanship as a teacher and mentor. In April, the book "The Last Lecture" was published and leaped to the top of the nonfiction best-seller lists, where it remained this week. … Pausch said he dictated the book to Zaslow by cell phone. "It was the most fun 53 days of my life because it was like a performance," Zaslow told The Associated Press. "It was like getting 53 extra lectures."

The speech last fall was part of a series Carnegie Mellon previously called "The Last Lecture," where professors were asked to think about what matters to them most and give a hypothetical final talk…. Only in Pausch's case, the popular professor really was facing death -- and he talked about what his childhood dreams had taught him about life. "It's not about how to achieve your dreams, it's about how to lead your life," Pausch told the audience. "If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself, the dreams will come to you."

Pausch's lecture began with him standing before a screen beaming down chilling CT images of the tumors in his liver under the title "The Elephant in the Room." He said he had recently been told he had no more than six months of good health left. "I'm in really good shape. In fact, I am in better shape than most of you," Pausch said, dropping to the floor to do push-ups.

His childhood dreams included writing an article in the World Book encyclopedia ("I guess you can tell the nerds early"), winning big stuffed animals at the amusement park, being Captain Kirk of "Star Trek," and playing in the NFL. He did write for World Book, on virtual reality; talked his way into a flight on the NASA "vomit comet" plane that simulates the effect of weightlessness; and amassed a herd of jumbo stuffed animals. He met William Shatner, who played Kirk on "Star Trek." He recalled applying to be a Disney imagineer, and getting back "the damn nicest go-to-hell letters I've ever gotten." But the rejection didn't discourage him and he wound up, indeed, doing design work for Disney.

"The brick walls are not there to keep us out, the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something," he said. "Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They're there to stop the OTHER people."

May his memory be a blessing. May the publicity and awareness brought about by his activism bring more research and more effective forms of treatment.

thank heavens for sisters and sisters-in-law

today when i got home, Elinor had been down from Berkeley for about 3 hours and she and Audrey had accomplished some major damage with regard to the freezer (empty) and cupboards (seriously thinned), getting rid of things that were past their "best by" dates. what a major undertaking. thank you thank you thank you.

we are heading into the last 3 full days of Audrey's visit, finding boxes in which to pack the photos and other items that are returning to New York. Ketzl is so spoiled now, having Audrey at his beck and call for much of the day. in and out. back and front. and again. we will both miss her a lot.

maybe we will see a movie tomorrow night: Wall-E is high on the list. anyone care to share movie suggestions with us?

many happy returns

when i got home yesterday, we took off to Burlington Coat Factory to return...coats. two jackets that were rejected by my father. so i got this gift card. on our way up to the customer service registers, we had stopped at the home decorating department and loaded up: two vases including one lightweight metal one which now goes near the new mask and holds the pussywillows and looks FABULOUS. got a really pretty crystal vase for less than $10 (because intermediate markdowns were not noted on the price tag). cool. two strands of dragonfly lights. it was fun and things look great. even Jackie says so, along with Christine, who will now try to get there to look at some of their stuff from Africa.

tonite was an OK trip to Trudy's..which is really a bridal store but also has "mother of the bride" or in this case "other mother of the groom" dresses. one was sort of OK but not great. we need to be in touch with David and Julia to see how dressy we should get for the ceremony in the morning. that's next.

we walked all the way around the Pruneyard...a one story outdoor mall...and ended up at Outback. Bloomin' Onion and ribs. wow. we are stuffed. completing the circle we hit an ATM (well, not "hit" exactly) and Trader Joe's for ice cream bites. it's all part of the adventure.

tomorrow Elinor is coming down. it's a whirlwind still.

this marks post #101: MAMMA MIA!!

the movie is really delightful. Meryl Streep is a wonderful presence; so Pierce Brosnan doesn't have such a strong voice. but it is toe-tapping, hum-along delightful entertainment, which is why some of us go to the movies. Jackie and I want to go again. maybe Razmik and Jeff and maybe Billy and Eric will be available.

dessert afterwards at The Flames on Winchester. I remember that Jackie and Linda and I went out for dessert after "Mona Lisa Smile," starring Julia Roberts. thanks, guys, for indulging me. it extended the evening and we could sit and talk, as opposed to listening to Christine almost falling out of her seat with laughter.

i'm confused about the numbering on the number of posts. i was going to note the 100th post yesterday. but then it said it was 97, not 100. so i didn't say anything last night. i'm confused. bear with me. keep reading til the next 100, if you wish.

Audrey's schedule is getting filled. anyone who wants in on the lunch/dinner card better sign up soon. we want to see Wall-E also this week, and maybe The Dark Knight. lots of things to do. she suggested that while she's in the house during the day, i should call a locksmith and have installed the deadbolt i have been talking about. that happens tomorrow, and hopefully they will be able to key it to the regular house key. good idea.

good news re photos

thank you Christine!! for saving ALL the 1033 photos to a CD and offering to help me get them downloaded to the laptop so i can then organize them to folders. that's going to be a LOT of work. i resolve not to wait until there are so many pictures. hopefully the new card reader will work directly to the computer.

sunday report

ketzl is eating cantaloupe and all is good.

so audrey is here, we are having a great time and it's been a productive couple of days.

saturday included picking up jackets and sox at REI, going over to the Home Consignment store just down the parking lot. score! a herman miller aalto suspension chair, laced with black linen. awesome. marked down almost a month ago to a bargain $149, 10% of retail price. amazing. now Razmik has a place to sit in the family room. tried on a lot of rings but didn't get anything. then, when it came time to play, i noticed a mask hanging on the wall above the office door. i had to buy it. from africa we think, almost 5 feet tall! black background with small dots creating the pattern. really small dots. will do more research and see if we can track down the origins.
dinner at Mimi's and then home.

today was equally successful. brunch with Fran (who has walls full of masks, so maybe she can help with my new one's location), meet Linda F in SF to check out the Goodwill Boutique. both Aud and I got something: she got a lovely black beaded/sequined dress, silk, very lovely. i got a suit (le suit) that looks like chanel. dark pink, white and black textured fabric with white and black outlines. need to get the sleeves shortened but what else is new? fabulous deals esp when the casher asked if we qualified for the sunday senior discount. 20% off in addition to great prices to start with. oh my. then to the deYoung museum to see the Chihuly exhibit. crowded. i need to go back again. it was great. stuff new to me (the basket collection) and old favorites like the overhead installation above a clear ceiling. oh my ...then we wandered elsewhere ... Elinor told us about the Turkmen rugs (great), the strange items constructed by Timothy Horn, inspired by ornate 18th century chandeliers, a carriage, other items, made out of wood, shellac, sugar crytals...and the photos of the inspiration are there in black and white. fascinating. dinner at the favorite Ton Kiang, including Chinese donuts!! it was really pretty cool in San Francisco. then we dropped Linda F off and had a brief visit with her sister Deb and the kitties.
the drive home on 280 was great, with some really impressive fog rolling in from the west over the hills.

we are trying to get a group together to see Mamma Mia tomorrow night. stay tuned.

Audrey is coming, Audrey is coming!

Plans are getting finalized for our 9 days together, starting Saturday.
JetBlue conveniently changed their schedules to accommodate our preferences. Thanks, JetBlue! There's still a lot to do around here to get ready.

Tonight I don't feel so stupid about the photo thing. We tossed one card reader stick in the garbage at the Bird House where i went after dinner. Jeremy became a remote administrator on my computer (woo hoo!) and still we couldn't get things to work. I feel so much better now.

I called the SJ Giants because my credit union statement included the note that Aug 23 (the day we are going) is a customer appreciation night. I found out that if I purchase 15 tix (for admission and BBQ) we can reserve a table. Plus a cake. One more piece of information, but one more thing to do. Mark your calendars for that date, 7:15PM game, but I'll get there earlier to stake out the table. Bittersweet birthday celebration.

Did anyone else see Kristin Chenoweth and Doogie Howser (aka Neil Patrick Harris) announcing the primetime Emmy nominees? They were really terrific!

dinner was lovely with Nyle and Kathie. thanks guys for a pleasant evening. it's nice when you know the owner/chef of a restaurant!

it's much easier to get the garbage cans out with only one car in the driveway.
but guess what? i'd rather have the car, and Linda, back. no surprise there. don't worry, Shelley. i'm not going to do a backsies.

a big argh for this weekend.
sunday is the SF AIDS walk, in Golden Gate Park. i need to check on what the timing is, because that will impact our visit to the deYoung Museum and the Chihuly glass exhibit. oh dear.

and did you hear that Sarah Silverman and Jimmy Kimmel have split after 5 years? is that at all interesting?

a year of firsts, thinking of lasts

i'm thinking of a future time. when it comes to the last of something. like when i use the last of the paper plates that Linda bought. or the variety of shampoos, the supply of which waits in what we call the storage area.

it feels weird. i don't want to think about that time. i don't want to have that level of closure, that kind of finality.

ketzl

measures 24 inches when he stretches out in a reubenesque pose on the kitchen counter, waiting for the asparagus to cook. and then when it was done and i was cutting it into the bowl, he was right there eating it right next to the knife. i even moved the bowl over but he came along. he had a good time outside tonight, and watched me bring the two barrels of vines out to the front. i'm trying to train him to go back to sleep in the mornings when i'm not ready to get up at 5:45 AM.

[;''] (that's from ketzl, who loves this laptop...he rubs up against the top corner of the screen.) i realize that a lot of the time i'm home, ketzl is outside on the tether. so now it's nice to be sitting on the loveseat, with him on the blanket, his head on my arm. purring quietly.

the power of music

last night coming home from the joint birthday celebration for Susan and Rochelle, i popped in a new CD. i had taken out a few Tret Fure disks, and inside the cases were the tickets from when we saw her at The Savoy (maybe 2001) and more recently at The Little Fox in Redwood City. both times, we were disappointed that the women's community in the south bay didn't come out in greater numbers to hear who i believe is one of this generation's most creative songwriters, also a totally amazing guitarist, and she looks really hot in her black sleeveless shirts. that doesn't hurt one bit!

on the way home the music really hit me. not sure if it was the lyrics or just the sound and remembering having seen the concerts with Linda.

i need to keep both CDs in the car and listen to them closely. in my new situation, i am hearing the words with new ears. the road home, flying to the sky, i took you for granted, i am willing to try, remember that moonlight is just sunlight a different way. (these are approximations of lyrics; i'll verify them soon)

the other CD set i brought out to the car is Debbie Friedman's "In the Beginning," a compilation of her first cassettes. it's where i learned my liturgy...when i would read stuff in the prayerbook, i said "hey i know those words from the songs!" it was so cool. i only had time to listen to one song before i got home.."Sing Unto God," and while the language is a bit dated, the joy is wonderful. a nice complement to the solidness of Tret. we'll see how that goes.

the promise of photos

Jeremy is offering to help show me upload my pictures from the camera/card/reader etc. this is exciting news. after dinner tomorrow night with Nyle and Kathie from John Marshall High School. we're going to Siena, which had become Linda's favorite special occasion restaurant, and it's near the Bird House, the name for the condo (on Bird Avenue) where Jeremy and Daniel live. maybe i can even learn how to upload them to this blog. woo hoo!

monday monday

The Mamas and Papas play some of the best car driving music ever. But we didn't listen to it on the way back to San Jose.

But today is Monday.

I checked. Linda's cell phone has a 3 digit speed dial on my phone. There must be a one-button dial that I hit when I opened the phone last night. Must be.

Today I had a conversation with Deborah Morris Coryell, she who wrote "Good Grief," and runs an organization in San Luis Obispo. Some of the things I remember are from her book. I wish I had been able to take notes. I have to rely on my memory (fading at times) to recapture some of the important pieces.

It's all about me. I need to be gentle with myself. After all, I am like a baby... only 3 months into "this" ...this journey, this transformation. Not unlike when a caterpillar turns into a butterfly. Transforming inside. I was kicked out of my cocoon, the routines, the known, the comfort of my relationship with Linda. Into this. The new Deborah. The Deborah without Linda physically present on a daily basis. So I need to remember to take it easy, not ride myself too hard, don't feel guilty or regret. (Side note: sometimes the guilt is a mechanism that covers the helplessness, the inability to do anything in the situation...because with guilt comes the sense that there could have been something else that could have been done).

She also said that within this new Deborah are all the pieces of all the Deborahs that came before. There is the Deborah who just met Linda, the Deborah who shared a life with Linda, the Deborah who has memories of all the trips with Linda. And of course, all the moments before Linda as well. We are all the sum of all the moments that make up our lives.

So today I went into Linda's black purse (the one that weighed maybe 10 pounds) and looked through her wallet. Seeing small notes she had written. A few fortunes from Chinese restaurants. The small blue pouch with bandaids, tubes, important things to carry. A hankerchief from her father. The original metal gum holder. It made me both sad and happy to be handling the purse and its beloved contents. There is comfort there as well.

When I left on the car trip in June, I put on a gold ring that Linda had worn as a pinky ring because I wanted to have something clearly of Linda's with me, on me. It is more flowy than most of her more traditional, classic styles. I have not taken it off. It goes with the gold bracelets on my right wrist: the one which matches Audrey's (and their mother and grandmother) and the plumeria from several Chanukahs ago. On my left hand is the ring that Linda had made for me before we met face to face. Amazing.

Getting ready for Audrey to come on Saturday. Ketzl is getting a bit antsy. Maybe I'll take out a wand and play with him.

I got home early enough to go out in the backyard and prune the vines that were climbing up the back wall of the house, as well as the wisteria that was covering some of the screen at the bedroom door. It felt really good to do something physical. Now I need to bundle them all up and shlep them to the front. Watered the veggie garden too. Good news: I ate the first few of the cherry tomatoes, and there are actual cucumbers on the two different vines: lemon and armenian. I am so happy!

summer overnight hosted by the Biggams

thanks to Mike and Kaaren Hack for the ride up and to Rochelle and Steve Hall for the ride back ... to and from the "new" house of the Biggams in San Andreas. it's not as far as i thought. and there are several shortcuts that work well. thanks to Scott for letting me sleep in his room (very generous).

in the year of events, the Biggams have traditionally organized the summer event, in recent years a baseball game at Noble School, across the street from their house in San Jose. in November they moved to this wonderful new house with a fabulous view out the back deck. lots of food, lots of drink, lots of good companionship.

a stalwart band of hikers navigated to Natural Bridge, off Parrots Ferry Road, and trekked down the hill (billed at .7 mi) to caves that, had we worn bathing suits, we could have actually done some swimming thru the cavern. i did get some interesting photos of the ceiling. the water was cold. the way back always seems shorter, and i think we all successfully avoided all the poison oak on both sides of the trail.

this morning was a caravan into Murphys, a cute small town with a great sense of history (we visited the museum), good food and the Ironstone Winery, now host to a variety of top name concerts (Bonnie Raitt, Willie Nelson, Boz Scaggs, of that caliber) with a 44 pound piece of crystalline gold, the largest such specimen in the world. a small museum, gift shop, deli and downstairs banquet hall with an incredible pipe organ. thanks to Becky a docent who realized we missed the tour. you can also see the "caves" with fermenting tanks and barrels. quite a place! maybe there is a concert in our future...

tissue alert:

i had given the book of "Linda stories" to Lisa last night, but she put off reading until this afternoon. she read a few of them and couldn't continue. her comment was "this is just wrong!" with Linda not with us (physically). Lisa was especially taken by the comments of Liz Pittel:

"Linda was a force to be reckoned with ... her wonderful beaming smile, her quick wit and undeniable intelligence, her great big loving heart, her fantastic advice, and most of all, her wonderful spirit will ALWAYS be carried in my heart. i think of her often and smile. her phlysical presence shall be missed, but she sahll never be forgotten. she has made her imprint on us all and we are all the better for it."

it was pretty emotional moment. and still is.

in the car on the way home, Rochelle and i were discussing an assignment in one of her classes: what is family? as it turns out, the blood relationship that one might ordinarily assume was the basis of family is important, but far less so than the people we choose to have in our lives. the really important stuff is connection, trust, responsibility, and the love we feel. at several points in the weekend, the group was asked if we were related. after 20 years, i think it's pretty clear that we are family.

thank you all, dear EPPNS friends, for your love and support. this was the best of all possible places to be to mark 3 months, 13 weeks, since Linda left us. and as Lisa pointed out, it just wasn't right without Linda, who had wanted to come visit the new house. so we just needed to experience it all on her behalf: the hummingbirds, the delicious food, the camaraderie, the crossword puzzle and sudoku, the leisurely walk in Murphys. it's all on us now.

found a new book: "The Gift of Grief: finding peace, transformation and renewed life after great sorrow," by Matthew D. Gewirtz. i had seen it referenced in the URJ Torah commentary last week, and this was nice and auspicious. Gewirtz is a rabbi. stay tuned for excerpts.

rivaling the previous phone woo woo?

i am reminded of the time when i saw the blinking antenna light on the bedroom phone, which indicated a message. but the antenna on the kitchen phone was not blinking, nor was the answering machine. it went on for more than 24 hours, blinking only in the bedroom. maybe these are both indications of Linda saying hi.

i don't understand these things. and it's OK.

woo woo. :~)

the woo woo factor

so i get home from the weekend (more later), let Ketzl out for a brief romp in the night air while i bring in my bags, take out the laptop and my cell phone. not sure if the cell phone is on, open it up and what is displayed is as i have made a phone call.

the screen read:

Connected Linda Klein 0:06

i burst into tears, with sheer surprise.
i did not make a phone call. i only opened the phone.
and yes, i am connected to Linda
in a lot of ways, many of which i guess i don't understand.

music music everywhere

tonite after services i went to Mission City Coffee Roasting not far from temple which is the new host to the Fiddling Cricket (mostly) acoustic guitar and folk music scene. very nice stuff they offer. the duo tonite was Kenny Blackwell on mandolin and Dorian Michael on guitars. www.kenny-dorian.com they are amazing, shifting from a Doc Watson tune to Chuck Berry to Brazilian jazz to Irish fiddle tune, seamlessly. and their banter is pretty amazing. i bought one CD, All Dressed Up, which seems to have a nice variety of music. i'd forgotten how nice mandolin is. and Dorian is a total hoot with his commentary, shaved head and walrus mustache.

tomorrow is the trek up to the Biggams (hi, Lisa!! we'll be there soon enough).
the more i thought about things, it makes so much sense to be with this group of devoted and compassionate friends. last night Rochelle got a taste of what things are going to be like for me, at times, this weekend. April 13 - July 13 = 3 months = 13 weeks. a lifetime ago. an eternity ago. and like yesterday. all at the same time. time is weird, flexible, elastic, uncertain and so much more.

note to self: remember to bring tissues.

no camera cable at Fry's. portable USB drive instead. valiantly downloading to the laptop. 1,033 photos total. that's gonna take a while. then the project for the weekend is to sort, delete and file them. woo hoo! that will keep me out of the sun. 993 left. this is going to take all night. not sure how many months this represents...maybe more than a year. serves me right.

the first year is a year of firsts

so today was the first stephen schwartz musical without Linda.
Linda Feldman came down on CalTrain and Steve and Rochelle joined us.
LF had made Open Table reservations for us at Zucca and we walked three long blocks to the Mt View Center for Performing Arts. i went ahead and got the tickets. we were in the balcony and moved to the back row so we could more easily see over the wall. not sure what LBK and i saw (Merrily We Roll Along?) and did the same thing.

excellent show. "Snapshots." wonderful music, some new, some old pieces from other shows, some modified for this show. one set (an attic) and 3 couples: Dan and Sue at different ages of their lives. and they interact between the ages. well conceived. well staged. well sung.

i recognized the two songs from Wicked. and some from Pippin.
but no one had the encyclopedic knowledge of songs and stories as did Linda. as previously noted, Stephen Schwartz was one of Linda's favorites. and tonight did not disappoint. the subtlety of his lyrics is wonderful.

tissue alert

this was the first musical. i had no idea how difficult it would be. not only because of the subject matter, a poignant story of a relationship falling apart, reconnecting over the photos through different stages in their lives, how they related as kids, after college, into the "present."

and then the overlay of being without Linda.
it was a very emotional evening for me.

how the heck am i going to get through the Carrie Fisher show?

i was gone ALL day. ketzl came outside while i took out garbage. then came in to dinner of kitty tuna and fresh tomato. now he has joined me on the loveseat and is marking the edge of the computer screen with the side of his face. now he's cleaning himself and kneading the clean blanket.

somehow his purple collar with bell is missing. it must have slipped off somewhere in the house. so now he can be a stealth cat. we'll see how that goes or if i feel the need to replace the collar so i can hear him when he's moving around the house.

i end with a line from one of the songs
from "Children of Eden" (a show i know nothing about)

"The hardest thing about love is the letting go."

another happy memory

i remember with a smile sharing the best $5 dinner for two:
hot dog and soda, one each (with soda refill)
and dessert to share:
vanilla ice cream bar, dipped in chocolate, rolled in toasted almonds.
yup...at Costco.
not so great for the cholesterol,
but it was a wonderful dinner many a time.
and you can't beat the price.

remembering the good times

it's interesting that one thing leads to another and then another and another link still further.

the nephew of a member of Temple Emanu-El just died from ALS. his name was Ben Byer and he made a film about the last five years of his life, "Indestructible." I googled Ben, and linked to his sister's myspace page. From there to the ALS Warrior Poets, and came across something very nice. i thought i'd share it. took a while to find it. factoid: 17 people die every day from ALS. maybe every hour. yup -- 411 each day, which is 17 each hour. amazing. terminal illnesses abound. too many different forms. all of our lives are touched.

anyway, not sure of the origin of this, but the point is, remember the happy times...the times with Linda that make us smile:

(it's a little trite, maybe, and a possible tissue alert...i did promise)

Forevermore…

The days have become numbered for me.
Soon I will be launched forever out to sea.
All I ask is those of you that would remember me.
Think of the fun times and laughs that we shared --
Those are the memories I ask you to be spared.
That is the way I would like you to remember me.
Remember the happiness and all of the cheers.
Not the sadness and all those so many tears.
Understand that I lived life, now you must live yours.
But know I’m not gone but high above, there I’ll soar.
Watching over you, I will be there Forevermore...

So today, the happy time I want to share is an image from one of Linda's first visits to California. It was August 1999. So it was warm. Linda was wearing a white banded-collar shirt (a favorite style) and sitting on the front step, playing the small acoustic guitar that was the only one here at the time. Her hair was shiny, she was smiling. In the time before digital photos but I know there is a picture of that moment. If I can find it, I'll post it. These are the moments to remember.

What's your happy moment for today?

OK time to cook asparagus for Ketzl, and cut it up and leave some tasty treats and head out to dinner.

big sur fire and hummingbirds

there is ash all over my car again.
this time it must be the big sur fire. these is scary because that is such wonderful wilderness down there. i worry about bixby canyon, where Dewie's mom used to live. that's the really wonderful big bridge that shows up in so many pictures; it's over that canyon and we played on the beach there. wonderful memories.

the blue/teal/purple windsock that hangs over the bed from the ceiling fan/light is from a trip Linda and I took to the Big Sur area maybe 5 years ago. and she and Aud drove down there in the last year. Nepenthe restaurant, Esalen retreat center...all very important places.

this morning on our walk, Christine and I saw a hummingbird, feeding on some nice slender purply blue blossoms. he looked at us, and kept feeding. she may bring her camera tomorrow. it was pretty special. very close.

time, temperature and tomatoes

time is irrelevant sometimes. it is a continuum. what matters is that you get where you are going in a timely manner. tonight that is dinner with Jeff, Razmik and Jackie at 8 PM. DishDash, a wonderful mediterranean place in Sunnyvale.

temperature: it's too darn hot. 84 degrees is NOT an acceptable indoor temperature. and it's too hot outside to open windows. that will have to wait until i get home from dinner. it's too hot and ketzl doesn't want to be outside. front, back, in, back.

tomatoes: so much for labels. first of all, the stickers fell off the ledges of the veggie garden. i don't think i got any real early girls. i bought several at the farmers market and others from the hardware store. but what they said they were and what they are turning out to be appears to vary quite a bit. there seems to be an additional yellow pear that i thought was sweet 100. one "early girl" is clearly a cherry tomato variety. the green zebra seems to be doing well (heat agrees with these guys) and i'm happy for that...they were delicious. and Oregon spring in the back corner has the most...but it is a determinate variety. not the best for the back row. ah well. no cucumbers have set on either vine. i will not panic.

hummingbirds and airflow

yesterday i was outside talking with our neighbor Carl and a pretty large hummingbird was drinking from the agapanthus. he flitted around, landed on a small branch, then on a horizontal stem. got Ketzl's attention, too. then he flew over and passed by my arm with only about 10 inches clearance. that was pretty amazing.

Linda's title of "queen of fucking everything" included clearly "queen of airflow." i'm working on my princess of airflow certificate. it was warm today and promises to be even hotter the next few days. it got to 83 degrees in the house (not an appropriate inside temperature if you ask me) so now the sliding door in the bedroom is open and the fan up to the "attic" and the fan out the dining room window are both running. i think i've got it right, drawing the air through the house. i can feel the cool air flowing. let's see how long it takes for the degrees to drop. see, we don't have a/c in a lot of houses in northern california.

so the collection continues. the book "good grief: healing through the shadow of loss" is by Deborah Morris Coryell. i am now in touch with her via email. then i found out that "good grief" is also the name of a bereavement center in the Pittsburgh PA area. they have a lot of good information on their website. one of their pages is 20 tips. see them here: http://www.goodgriefcenter.com/help/twenty_tips.php i'm not sure if that will show up correctly as a link. and i need to learn how to put pictures up here. like buffaloes and flowers and pictures of the Tovah car and Shelley and Liz from the trip. i learned a lot but there is still so much to learn.

i don't know exactly how to set the timers on just about anything in the house. but i can learn. i don't yet know where the camera cables are. i need to learn more how to do stuff to completion. get the sink cleaned out tonight because of the heat. ketzl just walked across the keyboard but i didn't leave his contribution.

from "good grief"
'when we are involved in the process of remembering, we are learning how to put ourselves, our "members," back together. we are reconfiguring ourselves in such a way that includes what is no longer physically present in our lives. with thought and intention and time, we begin to manage what seemed impossible at the beginning. we are weaving this loss into the tapestry of our lives as we discover the relationship is not lost. the "other" is no longer separate from us but eternally part of our physical being.'

so i remember. and thank you out there in blogland for also remembering Linda. say her name. tell stories. enjoy your food with a smile. do a crossword or sudoku puzzle. appreciate a flower or a butterfly. think of how Linda would handle something, what her response to a situation would be. appreciate a well-tuned joke. be extra considerate of someone. make the stranger feel welcome. the recipients of your kindness will not necessarily know that is is Linda you are channeling, but that won't matter. you will know, and your kindness will not be forgotten. just remember to keep tissues handy.

and the temperature has dropped 2 degrees! it's working! the princess of airflow rules! consultations available at a nominal fee. :~) it's not going to be a fun next few days.

me and John McEnroe

have never seen such a fabulous tennis match as today's mens final at Wimbledon. i know, i know, the grammar police would say "John McEnroe and I" but what the heck.

Nadal vs. Federer. 5 sets. 6-4, 6-4, 7-5, 7-5, 9-7. Oh yes, Nadal won. his first. when asked after the awards ceremony if he felt he was the number one player, he said, Roger has won 5 in a row, I just won one. They were both so gracious, acknowledging the skill and tenacity of the other. the way tennis and athletics generally should be. two stoppages for rain. the longest final match ever played. almost delayed again on account of darkness. "epic" was the way it was just described by the announcer for the track and field Olympic trials. John McEnroe was speechless (almost) and that takes a lot! it was really wonderful, and Audrey and I spoke several times, with great excitement, during the match. it was especially poignant because we went to Wimbledon in October on our trip to London. Linda was too weak at that time to do the walking tour, but she got the full treatment at the museum, which is excellent, while Aud, David, Julia and I hiked around. Center court was closed for renovation in preparation for today so we got to see the media center which is not normally on the tour.

thing i don't need to do: look at what's on sale at Target for Linda.
thing i need to find: cable for my camera to connect it to my laptop.
small reminders of Linda all around: my luggage tags, the lights with dimmer switches, the light-up wall switches, all the small containers/bags/pouches/wallets filled with plugs, lights, cords, rechargers, and so much more.

thanks to Elinor, i was away Fri/Sat and home today. how nice to have the time and attention to put away laundry, change sheets, sweep floors, and maybe even vacuum while it is still daylight. all this after walking and going to the local farmers market with Christine. and of course Ketzl appreciated the leisurely pace. i brought home a couple of new toys/scratchers for him, to help him pass the time during the day and get his stretches out.

had a nice chat with David today, while wimbledon was on. he found a mug with the words "queen of fucking everything" which made him think of Linda...it was her motto and i have it on a magnet on the fridge that came from Akron.

i'll say it again: i'm tired of coming home to a quiet, empty house.
still tired. already tired. get used to it.

Saturday night and all's well

Back home from a quick trip to Santa Monica to visit my 90 year old father.
Got only minor glimpses of fireworks but the airports were empty for the Fri morning and Sat evening flights. Nice. I brought down a lot of fruit and saw that apricots were selling for $3 a pound at the farmers market today. Good move!

OK I'll say it again. I don't like flying by myself. I don't like coming home to an empty quiet house. I now get what Adam said a month or so ago: it is weird not having Linda to call to say "I've landed" or "I'm at the airport." It all just sucks.

And that's about all I have to say tonight.

oh, and there are ants in the kitchen.

small pieces/maybe a tissue alert

Today's activities included updating the "outside board" at Temple. We are a bit old-fashioned, using the white plastic letters that fit into grooves on the black board. This was poignant for me because even before Linda moved to California, she would help me (especially reaching the top of the board). Today also I worked on the bulletin for August a bit. One of the things I contribute is the list of yahrzeits, the listing of the anniversary of deaths of relatives of members in the congregation which are read each week. In August we will remember Shirley Blauner, mother of Linda Blauner Mirth. We found out before LBK moved out that there already was a Linda Blauner here in San Jose, who is actually related to the Blauner clan.

I'm taking a break from stripping almost all the fruit off the apricot tree. It kills me how much is on the ground. I've taken a lot in to the office and will pack as much as I can (very carefully) to take to Santa Monica tomorrow, and put the rest in the fridge. Then maybe I can make some apricot sauce and freeze some halves for later. Ketzl is enjoying having me outside in the back. He's not getting much time lazing in the boxes in the afternoon sun on the deck. There will be some time on Sunday.

I'm figuring out what Jackie was saying ... not in terms of how much any one of us misses Linda, but how it is different for me. OK, I'll buy that. It's not a difference of "quantity" per se. But because Linda was so much a part of my daily life, for eight years and more, and you out there in blogland have more other parts of your lives to give balance.

I got a small xeroxed card yesterday from Hospice of the Valley's Bereavement Services. I will bring their attention to a small grammatical error (Linda was always a good grammar policewoman). But I will share here their suggestions for ways to cope:
* Ask for help and let others help you. It will help them in their grief process too.
* Allow yourself to cry. You are wounded and this is nature's way of helping you begin to heal.
* Find safe people who will listen to you. Tell your story repeatedly.

Well, I think I'm pretty much doing all of that. I tell the story constantly, and as I mentioned yesterday, still pretty weepy and sniffy, at least a bit every day. Like now.

"The presence of that absence is everywhere." Edna St. Vincent Millay

I guess that's a good way to capture what Jackie meant: Linda's absence from this house and my life is everywhere. The black slipper that holds the bedroom door partly closed so the light doesn't come in in the morning. The cup of various scissors, tweezers, files, etc. on the bathroom sink. The pots and pans brought from Akron. The clothing in the closet. The papers and books, and maps and travel guides retrieved from shelves at travel information centers. Plants. Folger's coffee (drip and instant). Still a few bags of movie candy.

Also from the Hospice piece: "The finality of death is nearly impossible for us to understand. Absorbing the reality that our loved one has died and will never return is a difficult task." That's certainly true!

There's a nice bio of Natalie Wood on PBS in the background. Very nice job. Now it's West Side Story.

Well, Farmer Deb needs to go retrieve a ladder from the garage to finish the apricot task. And water the tomatoes before I leave. LOTS of blossoms there.

Overall today was a pretty good day.

Happy Fourth. Happy Independence Day. I hope we can see fireworks on the Santa Monica pier from my father's balcony.

An olio of small tidbits

I had forgotten that I really like sheets with patterns. Thanks, Liz, for the sunny yellow set with lovely big freeform flowers.

Ketzl comes to join me on the loveseat. He actually wants to walk across the keyboard. He is kneading the blanket now and I can feel that his claws need trimming. He's really purring now, with his head on my ankle. I think he's happy to have me back. I came home for a while so he could go outside before dinner.

Tonight was a fun time at Il Fornaio. Yes, it's a chain but far better than the Pasta Pomodoro Jeremy had suggested. They make the BEST ravioli di zucca (butternut squash with browned butter and crisp sage leaves...absolutely wonderful).

Especially evocative was the roasted beet salad. One year at the High Holidays, when services were held at the San Jose Civic Auditorium a block away from the restaurant, staff spent the night of Rosh Hashanah at the hotel. Linda was waiting for me after the service, and she had ordered up a meal for me, including this fantastic salad that "had Deborah written all over it": beets, nice greens, toasted walnuts, shaved pecorino cheese and a wonderful lemony vinaigrette. It was delicious then and it was delicious tonight. Leftovers went home to Daniel who is taking two math classes in summer school and is therefore chained to the desk doing problem sets.

The flip side of coming home from vacation is the quantity of laundry that needs to be done (all done now) and then put away (not yet done).

I still haven't done a crossword puzzle on my own yet. I looked at the Sunday Chicago Tribune puzzle that Liz was working on. In ink of course.

Did you look up "olio"? A good crossword puzzle world.

I purposely kept lunches and dinners to a minimum this week,just to get back into the routines more gradually. There are a lot of phone calls out and probably next week will be full of food.

I'm really tired, still. Again. Maybe this will be the night to catch up.

OK next time there will be a warning

I promise to suggest tissues be brought along when reading the blog.

I'm doing much better today.

Going Solo

My sweet Tovah:

This is my first letter to you here.

My world is empty without you.
It's not just a song.
A voluntary solo is one thing.
This is something else.
I dearly love your friends who are standing with me.
You did a fabulous job of keeping wonderful people connected to you.
Forever friends. It's not a cliche when you look at relationships of 40 years.
But I want you here.
I want to share a nectarine with you.
I want to feel your touch.
I'm tired of leaking tears and sniffing every day,
keeping a tissue in my pockets at all times.
I want to fly with you again, instead of remembering airports of times past.
I want to hear your voice, talking, singing, laughing.
I want to see your smile in person, not in two dimensions from a photograph.
I want to smell your perfume.
I miss seeing your towel on the rack in the bathroom.
I want to go to shows with you.
Chorus Line and Avenue Q are coming again.
I have the CD's but it's not the same.
Nothing is the same.

I didn't choose this solo.
This wasn't the plan.
I want backsies.

But that's not the plan either.
Maybe there is no plan.

So I guess that's my current job:
to discover the non-plan.
And remember to keep tissues handy
on the journey.

Probably one of the reasons it's so hard tonight
is because my fatigue is catching up with me.
But that doesn't matter either.

So I'll keep reading, looking for more help,
more resources, more connections.
Finding out who I am now.

It's still one foot in front of the other.
And while it is my solo journey,
you are with me, every step of the way.

with all my love,
yr dvora

the summary of the workshop weekend

though not as originally billed "Six texts that support a spiritual life," the weekend with Rabbi Karyn Kedar went very well. the product was our "thesis statement" of principles to live by. i'm working on how to present it here in blogland. Karyn gave us a copy of the book, "God in All Moments: Mystical and Practical Spiritual Wisdom from Hasidic Masters," edited by Or Rose, Jewish Lights Publishing. These are recently translated from 18th century texts and presented very nicely with context on the left page. at the end, there are two sets of more modern texts, from Hillel Zeitlin who died in the Warsaw Ghetto, and Rabbi Arthur Green, a contemporary Jewish theologian. These small writings are called "Hanhaggot." We read them aloud and discussed them, shared personal experiences, and had several timed writing assignments. Karyn is quite an enthusiastic teacher. She brought her iPod and dock to play us several pieces (Barbra Streisand, India Arie, Stacey Beyer). She also shared some of the exciting work going on to create a new building for her congregation Bnai Jehoshua Beth Elohim (BJBE) and what the new synagoguge will be like.

one of the members of the group wrote some small sentences. that looked good. crisp, concise. i tried to get it even crisper.

we also discussed the morning blessings that traditional Jews say...one that appreciates being awake (having the soul returned), one for the body (that things work .. things that are supposed to be open are open and things that are supposed to be closed are closed( because without a body one cannot act in the world, and my favorite, "Elohai," the soul that God has given me is pure.... So the weekend dealt with the physical, emotional, spiritual aspects of life. there is one more but it escapes me at the moment.

more later. very late. i'm wired but tired.

home at last

luggage retrieval tonight was ridiculous. at least the traffic folks didn't chase the waiting cars away, at almost midnight.

when we got home, Deb and Deb, Ketzl came bombing thru the kitchen and almost out the front door because the screen was open to get the suitcase in. i let him out front for a little bit and now he's in, having eaten cantaloupe and is snuggling up to me here on the loveseat with him on the polarfleece blanket. it's all good. i brushed him a lot until he ran out of patience. got out a lot of underfur. back to schedule tomorrow with me gone all day at work. Ketzl has been spoiled because Coach Deb is on vacation and has been around the house a lot. he's sitting here, doing a good job of grooming.

didn't come thru the garage. lots of laundry. i tend to wash everything to get rid of the airplane smell. that's tomorrow.

airports are still very evocative for me. i've only flown by myself a few times now. and i remember as if it were yesterday: August 18, 1999, the day that Linda arrived in San Jose for her first visit to California. she pulled a switch on me and i punched her in the arm. write me if you want to hear more of the story. the lavender shirt she wore that day is still in the closet. i remember the many trips to and from the San Jose airport over those 9 months.

these last 10 days have been really wonderful. but one thing distinguished them: i was with people all the time, every day. that was good, but makes it a trifle weird right now, when it's just me and Ketzl. gonna take some getting used to.

i think the cat is asleep now, here on the couch, so it might be a good time for me to get into bed. the alarm will be going off early so Christine and i can walk! yippee!! and Ketzl can be outside for a little bit before i leave.

here's what i wrote at the airport

So now I know how to open a text document. This is for when I don't have wifi access, which i am supposed to have here in Terminal 3 but it's not working or i'm not able to make it work. whatever. thanks, jeremy. so even though i can't log on, at least i can write, save and copy later...a good thing.

Today was a nice walk in Liz's neighborhood, and to the bank, gas station and then into Chicago to pick up her daughter Lauren for a few errands. Then a yummy lunch at Zen. Lauren is a vegan, which presents a few complications, but this was fine. Yummy sweet potato tempura sushi!! and tom ka gai (?) Thai coconut soup with tofu and chili oil. Yum indeed. I doubt that they will be feeding us at all on this flight.

Apparently Ketzl was pissed that Deb was out for the evening a few days ago and he evidenced a variety of behaviors indicating his displeasure. I can only imagine what his attitude will be with me after being gone for 10 days.

Where is my head, you might ask. Or even if you didn't. Attached to my neck, on top of my shoulders. A good start. I'm not totally sure.

What are my thoughts on this trip? It was very necessary. It was a lot of fun. It was very sad in spots, as this was (remember) the trip that Linda wanted to take, and even though we had Linda with us in our hearts and minds, and the photos of Linda (thanks again, Charlie), it clearly wasn't the same at all. And while it was very nice to meet Liz face to face, and her brother Anthony and his partner Tony, and her daughter Lauren....the reason I am here in the first place is because Linda is gone. i'm still pretty tired of hearing "i'm so sorry for your loss" but what else are people supposed to say?

ok the squirrel is taking over now and distracting me. back to the question at hand. it was a good trip. very necessary to get away from california. lots of fun to spend the week with Shelley, gratifying that the Tovah car is going to a good home, good to have the weekend as a way-station in Wisconsin, and the 2 days here in Chicago. each stop brings its own realities, its own tears. Tony had a lot of questions which i was happy to answer. i think i have a new set of friends, and should i ever return to chicago, i have some willing hosts and tour guides.

i am daunted by what will be facing me in San Jose.
Audrey and i are working on plans for later in the month, when she will come out, what we hope to accomplish. that too will bring its own difficulties. and now i need to make reservations to go to LA next weekend. at least this is only a 3-day week. one good thing, a small piece of respite in a sea of complications.