is someone who will brave early morning traffic to arrive at 8:00 AM to help strip the nectarine tree. That would be Jackie. (it's ok for you to blush now, kiddo)
it was a job that i could not have done alone, and Jackie's height and determination really helped. we really did work for an hour and a half, picking more nectarines than you could possibly imagine. and then some. for breakfast, we each ate two that the birds had already sampled (we figured they knew which ones were ripe). so with the ladder, the fruit picking basket, lots of paper bags that Jackie brought... it is now done. you who live elsewhere: i'm so sorry that we cannot share these wonderful fragrant fruits, Linda's favorite, from the tree that she picked them from almost 9 years ago on her first visit to California. just imagine the best nectarine you've ever tasted. yep...that's it! now i have to peel and cut more to freeze and give more away.
tissue alert...
yesterday at my appointment with Laura, my bereavement counselor at Hospice of the Valley (the wonderful band of fluttering angels), she asked (for the first time) if i wanted to light a candle. and then at the end of the session, Laura remarked that just as the flame is extinguished, the smoke, the scent of the candle lingers on, just as memories of Linda continue in our lives. i was totally unaware that the candle was there every week. now i can choose to light it if i wish. oh, and i had brought with me two photos from Linda's FIRST visit to california. there is one (stay tuned, I will learn to scan it and post it here) sitting in the kitchen, white banded collar shirt, leaning forward....she is SOOOOOO adorable in that picture. everyone agrees! that's the one i happened to have with me on Tuesday. so now i will look for a different photo each time i go, and light the candle with memories of the time when the picture was taken. good idea. small ritual.
of course in Judaism, there is the tradition of lighting a candle when someone dies...the seven day candle after the funeral, and then every year on the anniversary of the death. as difficult as things can be, one week at a time, even when i don't go to services and say the kaddish prayer, i cannot imagine what it will feel like next April. oh dear. Linda's family observes the date in the Jewish calendar. i'm not sure which i will do, Jewish or Gregorian. i don't have to decide yet. or maybe i'll do both. and i will light the candle (perhaps the electric, out of concern for Ketzl). you can't see it, but the tears are just rolling down my cheeks.
i will be ok. i always am. but still almost every day i cry. it is good. it is important to release the sadness, to let go of the tears.
today i had a cup of tea (well, green tea frap, thanks for the recommendation, Jeff) with a woman whose son died a year and a half ago. i sent her the names of the books i recommend and a copy of my dvar torah from last week. we talked about stuff and things. i remind myself (by saying to her) that the grief is a container when there is no place to put the love. and it is important to go through it. cuz you can't go around it.
today i wore my Carrie Fisher t-shirt: black with the words
"Instant gratification takes too long"
one foot in front of the other. that's what a journey is.
in the Torah, this week marks the beginning of the book of Deuteronomy. the Hebrew name of the book is Devarim, which means words. here's a small section of the commentary on this week's portion from the Union for Reform Judaism site (http://urj.org/torah/index.cfm?):
"The Book of Deuteronomy presents Moses’s retelling of the Israelites’ journeys, all having led up to their current position: poised on the border of the Promised Land, about to enter an uncertain communal future together. Those who closely study these texts learn that occasionally the details of the stories seem to change from the events recorded earlier in the Torah and Moses’s recounting of them in Deuteronomy. Far from presenting theological difficulties for us, however, these variations reveal the marvelous fractal properties of Deuteronomy: it is essentially a story about a story about a story. And as we add our own stories, the narratives continue to curl in upon each other, coiling like a nautilus."
it's part of what i love about being a Reform Jew...we do add our stories. Torah is a living, changing set of stories. our experience of Torah is informed by our lives as our lives are informed by our understanding and interpretation of Torah.
the nectarines are calling.
there are a lot of new movies coming out
and there is still the 2nd viewing of Mamma Mia yet to do.
Showing posts with label Carrie Fisher. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carrie Fisher. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Amazing news from Saturday
well it needs to start with Friday. always a bit of a busy day at a synagogue. new exec director starting on Monday. some excitement. i had hoped to go home for a bit to let Ketzl out but that just didn't happen (surprise, not). also needed to do the outside board, something i swear i should never leave for a Friday. and i think every time of how Linda used to help me and really put the letters up straight before she moved to California... so i stayed through to services, since i was participating in the women's summer shabbat by giving the D'var Torah, which is kinda like the sermon portion. i did some explanation and some interpretation, and did just fine as long as i was speaking the words of others (cut and paste works really well). then i had two sentences at the end, and i just lost it. fortunately i was able to regain my composure to read the last sentences. i did it. then dinner with Mim Bloom who is a real character. yummy thai food. yummy.
today Jackie and i went to morning services (to get our Meeka fix) using the new Reform prayerbook, Mishkan Tefillah. i had used it at "camp" in Wisconsin in June and really liked it. this was the first time Meeka was leading since the books arrived, and she was very excited and happy and singing her heart out. it was great.
next on the agenda was lunch with Linda F in Mt. View (mostly half way for both of us). we traded...i brought nectarines (gotta give them away quickly) and she brought a loaf of rosemary bread. which unfortunately i left under my chair and had planned to retrieve tonite but....
daniel called and we did sushi and frozen yogurt for dinner. then i had a copy of "Good Grief" and a lovely photo card for Carrie Fisher that i was going to drop off at the theater and head up to Mt. View. but the house manager and her personal assistant were so touched that i was actually able to stay to see the show tonight, closing night. wow. that was pretty special. i did stay around after people left but was told that she was leaving pretty quickly and was not seeing anyone but expressed appreciation for the card and book. also, i had to get the t=shirt, "instant gratification takes too long!" i also got a few more of the programs.
so i will call the restaurant, ask them to put the bread in the freezer and i'll go up on Monday.
time to pack the nectarines for their trip to Los Angeles, and a few other things. fortunately i looked up my confirmation and found out that the flight is ONE HOUR EARLiER than i had thought. OMG. that changes the morning plan.
today Jackie and i went to morning services (to get our Meeka fix) using the new Reform prayerbook, Mishkan Tefillah. i had used it at "camp" in Wisconsin in June and really liked it. this was the first time Meeka was leading since the books arrived, and she was very excited and happy and singing her heart out. it was great.
next on the agenda was lunch with Linda F in Mt. View (mostly half way for both of us). we traded...i brought nectarines (gotta give them away quickly) and she brought a loaf of rosemary bread. which unfortunately i left under my chair and had planned to retrieve tonite but....
daniel called and we did sushi and frozen yogurt for dinner. then i had a copy of "Good Grief" and a lovely photo card for Carrie Fisher that i was going to drop off at the theater and head up to Mt. View. but the house manager and her personal assistant were so touched that i was actually able to stay to see the show tonight, closing night. wow. that was pretty special. i did stay around after people left but was told that she was leaving pretty quickly and was not seeing anyone but expressed appreciation for the card and book. also, i had to get the t=shirt, "instant gratification takes too long!" i also got a few more of the programs.
so i will call the restaurant, ask them to put the bread in the freezer and i'll go up on Monday.
time to pack the nectarines for their trip to Los Angeles, and a few other things. fortunately i looked up my confirmation and found out that the flight is ONE HOUR EARLiER than i had thought. OMG. that changes the morning plan.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Carrie Fisher was wonderful (second time)
Accompanied by friends, Audrey and I saw "Wishful Drinking" the one woman show of Carrie Fisher's. Even though I knew some of what to expect, it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening, starting with fabulous dinner at House of Siam. We told them we would be back for dessert after the show, and we did.
Sitting in the front row, our group was prime targets for audience participation. Linda F. got to smell the clove cigarette (and got one to keep, which she gave to me) and Susan B. was the respondent who answered "divorce" during Hollywood Inbreeding 101. She got a plastic medal (which she gave to me). Carrie even mentioned Linda's name out loud during the show. Woo hoo!
Before the curtain went up, a staffer said he would check to see if "we" could go backstage afterwards. At intermission he said Aud and I could go. So we did. Carrie was again very gracious and fun, tired after two shows, but welcoming. She is going through electroshock therapy for her bipolar condition, and one side effect is loss of visual memory. She had noticed our sticker badges with Linda's face on them. We talked a bit, about David and Julia getting married, repeated the story of how Aud & Lida are related, and thanked her for her kindness, and get nice warm hugs in return. The show plays through August 2nd.
Group photos were taken on the steps in the lobby. While Aud and I were meeting with Carrie, an advance group went back to the restaurant and order 3 desserts. When I got there, I ordered an additional two sticky rice with mango. Razmik doubted that we could finish it (especially since he wasn't eating any)....but WE DID IT!! easily. For many people it was their FIRST sticky rice with mango. Warm sticky rice, with coconut cream on it and a few toasted sesame seeds, with slices of ripe mango around. wow. perfection. There is history to this dessert: on Linda's first night in San Jose (August 18, 1999) we went to a Thai restaurant and that is what we had. Because mango anything is better than almost anything else...it easily became our favorite dessert, which we only skipped when the mangoes weren't ripe enough. I heartily recommend it, and now there are more people who would share in that recommendation.
A joy to share a new restaurant, a new dessert, and a wonderful "show" with friends.
This morning I stayed home and Aud and I packed up some of the boxes that I will be shipping. Lots of bubble wrap and tape. We made it to the airport on time, but the plane was delayed and on her arrival in NY it was a long time getting baggage and a cab before getting home.
On ABC they had something this morning and will on Tuesday morning as well about Randy Pausch. Diane Sawyer is hosting something at 10 PM on Tuesday. Not sure if it is a repeat of her earlier interview. In any case I'm sure it will be worth watching. What a wonderful advocate he was for education about pancreatic cancer. I hope you out in blogland will join me in watching, if you are up that late.
one feature of blogger is a link to "next blog."
a slightly cheesy piece i found a few days ago and wrote down to share:
If you ever feel down and blue
Dry your eyes my friend
Look to your side and I will be there.
Through thick and thin
the good and the bad
I will be there.
Remember the times that we shared.
Think of the laughs we had
and the troubles we beared.
Smile, my friend,
I will be there.
You should hear the sound of Ketzl's run through the house: like a mini-elephant. He goes across the living room, up the chair by the window, up onto the stereo cabinet, and across, delicately in front of the new TV (which sits on top of the old TV), onto the piano where he goes to the end and looks at me. What a romp! He's getting used to sleeping (at least in the beginning) on the grey and white polar fleece blanket here on the love seat in the family room.
The Olympics start soon in Beijing. Tonight there was a small piece on NPR that actually since the games were awarded in 2001, the human rights situation has actually worsened. oh joy. And there is renewed concern about air quality. When Jeremy was there several years ago, he came home with holes in his t-shirts from the air pollution. What was the IOC thinking when they chose China as the host for 2008?
So now I can start planning the baseball game.
Am I keeping too busy?
Still need to do shoe shopping (oh no, not shoe shopping?!).
Need to time my haircut.
Lots to think about.
Tomorrow i have an appt with my favorite (and only) chiropractor. and i get to bring produce.
This morning's harvest included peaches, nectarines, cucumbers and tomatoes. o ye of little faith: the tomatoes are coming in but way too many yellow pairs. i need to get htem earlier wo hopefully they won't be mushy. i remember when i planted the tomatoes and swore off mentioning them until harvest. well, harvest is here!
Sitting in the front row, our group was prime targets for audience participation. Linda F. got to smell the clove cigarette (and got one to keep, which she gave to me) and Susan B. was the respondent who answered "divorce" during Hollywood Inbreeding 101. She got a plastic medal (which she gave to me). Carrie even mentioned Linda's name out loud during the show. Woo hoo!
Before the curtain went up, a staffer said he would check to see if "we" could go backstage afterwards. At intermission he said Aud and I could go. So we did. Carrie was again very gracious and fun, tired after two shows, but welcoming. She is going through electroshock therapy for her bipolar condition, and one side effect is loss of visual memory. She had noticed our sticker badges with Linda's face on them. We talked a bit, about David and Julia getting married, repeated the story of how Aud & Lida are related, and thanked her for her kindness, and get nice warm hugs in return. The show plays through August 2nd.
Group photos were taken on the steps in the lobby. While Aud and I were meeting with Carrie, an advance group went back to the restaurant and order 3 desserts. When I got there, I ordered an additional two sticky rice with mango. Razmik doubted that we could finish it (especially since he wasn't eating any)....but WE DID IT!! easily. For many people it was their FIRST sticky rice with mango. Warm sticky rice, with coconut cream on it and a few toasted sesame seeds, with slices of ripe mango around. wow. perfection. There is history to this dessert: on Linda's first night in San Jose (August 18, 1999) we went to a Thai restaurant and that is what we had. Because mango anything is better than almost anything else...it easily became our favorite dessert, which we only skipped when the mangoes weren't ripe enough. I heartily recommend it, and now there are more people who would share in that recommendation.
A joy to share a new restaurant, a new dessert, and a wonderful "show" with friends.
This morning I stayed home and Aud and I packed up some of the boxes that I will be shipping. Lots of bubble wrap and tape. We made it to the airport on time, but the plane was delayed and on her arrival in NY it was a long time getting baggage and a cab before getting home.
On ABC they had something this morning and will on Tuesday morning as well about Randy Pausch. Diane Sawyer is hosting something at 10 PM on Tuesday. Not sure if it is a repeat of her earlier interview. In any case I'm sure it will be worth watching. What a wonderful advocate he was for education about pancreatic cancer. I hope you out in blogland will join me in watching, if you are up that late.
one feature of blogger is a link to "next blog."
a slightly cheesy piece i found a few days ago and wrote down to share:
If you ever feel down and blue
Dry your eyes my friend
Look to your side and I will be there.
Through thick and thin
the good and the bad
I will be there.
Remember the times that we shared.
Think of the laughs we had
and the troubles we beared.
Smile, my friend,
I will be there.
You should hear the sound of Ketzl's run through the house: like a mini-elephant. He goes across the living room, up the chair by the window, up onto the stereo cabinet, and across, delicately in front of the new TV (which sits on top of the old TV), onto the piano where he goes to the end and looks at me. What a romp! He's getting used to sleeping (at least in the beginning) on the grey and white polar fleece blanket here on the love seat in the family room.
The Olympics start soon in Beijing. Tonight there was a small piece on NPR that actually since the games were awarded in 2001, the human rights situation has actually worsened. oh joy. And there is renewed concern about air quality. When Jeremy was there several years ago, he came home with holes in his t-shirts from the air pollution. What was the IOC thinking when they chose China as the host for 2008?
So now I can start planning the baseball game.
Am I keeping too busy?
Still need to do shoe shopping (oh no, not shoe shopping?!).
Need to time my haircut.
Lots to think about.
Tomorrow i have an appt with my favorite (and only) chiropractor. and i get to bring produce.
This morning's harvest included peaches, nectarines, cucumbers and tomatoes. o ye of little faith: the tomatoes are coming in but way too many yellow pairs. i need to get htem earlier wo hopefully they won't be mushy. i remember when i planted the tomatoes and swore off mentioning them until harvest. well, harvest is here!
Sunday, July 27, 2008
From "Good Grief: Healing through the Shadow of Loss"
tissue alert perhaps.
I've noted this quote before:
If you want to stop, then stop.
If you are seeking a time when you will be finished,
you will never be done.
Deborah Morris Coryell writes in the epilogue:
"...we never "complete" our grieving. We are never finished with it. Our grief lives as long as we live.
"It changes. It has rhythms. Sometimes it is present in its absence and sometimes it is absence that makes our grief present. Sometimes we are strong and fearless in the face of our grief, and sometimes we are frightened and vulnerable. It is all part of the tapestry of our livlesl and by the very act of weaving our losses into that tapestry, we ensure that our losses are part of our wholeness. And so we heal."
Marking the passage of time:
today is 15 weeks since Linda died.
today is 17 weeks since we saw Carrie Fisher in Berkeley.
today is 10 weeks since the celebration of Linda's life.
today is 9 years and 2 weeks since Linda and I first connected online.
i think that's 470 weeks.
so in the scheme of things, 15 as a fraction of 470 is still pretty small.
15 weeks is still so recent.
it is impossible for me, now, to think in terms of actually using months and then years to measure the passage of time.
Back to page 42 in "Good Grief":
"Healing our grief means continuing to love in the face of loss. The face of loss -- what we see -- is that someone or something is gone. The heart of loss teaches us that nothing -- no thing -- we have every known can be lost. What we have known we have taken into ourselves in such a way that it has become part of the very fabric of our being. It is part of who we are, and as long as we are alive we have the capability to continue to love even that which is no longer a part of our daily reality."
and it is still weird
and sometimes it is still really hard.
ps newspaper retrieved. carrie fisher got a very good review in the lifestyle section.
I've noted this quote before:
If you want to stop, then stop.
If you are seeking a time when you will be finished,
you will never be done.
Deborah Morris Coryell writes in the epilogue:
"...we never "complete" our grieving. We are never finished with it. Our grief lives as long as we live.
"It changes. It has rhythms. Sometimes it is present in its absence and sometimes it is absence that makes our grief present. Sometimes we are strong and fearless in the face of our grief, and sometimes we are frightened and vulnerable. It is all part of the tapestry of our livlesl and by the very act of weaving our losses into that tapestry, we ensure that our losses are part of our wholeness. And so we heal."
Marking the passage of time:
today is 15 weeks since Linda died.
today is 17 weeks since we saw Carrie Fisher in Berkeley.
today is 10 weeks since the celebration of Linda's life.
today is 9 years and 2 weeks since Linda and I first connected online.
i think that's 470 weeks.
so in the scheme of things, 15 as a fraction of 470 is still pretty small.
15 weeks is still so recent.
it is impossible for me, now, to think in terms of actually using months and then years to measure the passage of time.
Back to page 42 in "Good Grief":
"Healing our grief means continuing to love in the face of loss. The face of loss -- what we see -- is that someone or something is gone. The heart of loss teaches us that nothing -- no thing -- we have every known can be lost. What we have known we have taken into ourselves in such a way that it has become part of the very fabric of our being. It is part of who we are, and as long as we are alive we have the capability to continue to love even that which is no longer a part of our daily reality."
and it is still weird
and sometimes it is still really hard.
ps newspaper retrieved. carrie fisher got a very good review in the lifestyle section.
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