i know that my vulnerability these last few days are the result of the return home, and being sick on top of the jet lag and general fatigue after a trip ... to the reality that lives here. the reality of me and ketzl alone in the house, but with a security system installed, which is good.
it really was a vacation in so many ways. spending time with jeremy and daniel was wonderful. it was fun to be there for jeremy's first visit to europe (it feels like disneyland, he said) with wonderful weather, great views, lots of really old things (remember i live in california) and of course The Wedding of the Century.
there were so many special times associated with the wedding. three times a year, the kuhrhaus is opened for wedding ceremonies, performed by a commissioner. we all filed into a room, and david and julia sat down while she spoke. it was all in german. but later we got a sense of what she said. there was a small reception with food, of course, and a heart-shaped tart covered with fresh raspberries. about 2.5 feet wide heart. imagine. small potato halves filled with sour cream. salmon on skewers. meat balls with potato salad. a few other items. and champagne. and cake and coffee. oh and chocolate cake. then the afternoon was free time until the bus picked us up to take us to the party, in a castle... part of which is now a restaurant. we were in the round main floor but there were other parties and diners upstairs and down hallways. after dinner, some of the tables in the center were removed for dancing. dessert buffet upstairs including cheese, crepes, brownies, mousse, fruit platters, panna cotta, and more.
jeremy got my photos loaded onto the laptop. when i use the "send this photo" function, it opens the mail program. which means that all of my yahoo mail is now downloaded here as well. i was rummaging around in the past, back to October 2005 where Linda was planning the Hawaii trip for my 60th birthday. how amazingly thorough she was, researching options, variations, possibilities, keeping me informed as things went along. i found old jokes. then we started getting into the political season. old maxine comics. plans to see Elliot in Bent. our trip to Santa Rosa to see Carole King and go to the Charles Schulz museum (I have her two t-shirts from that visit). there is so much past gathered there in the electronic record.
then i went back to revisit Linda's blog. looking at the last weeks through the posts after she died. phew. it's not easy.
david was online this morning. today is julia's father, michael's, birthday. i am 8 months older than he is. it was nice, as always, to chat via skype and see his smiling face and julia's too. we really didn't have a lot of time together during the week of wedding. there were a lot of people with whom to interact. i am grateful for the concern and affection from both adam and david. oh, last night adam and livi saw the Carrie Fisher show, completing the cycle. no report yet on whether he was able to go backstage afterwards. he called during intermission.
lots of rambling. today i went to the farmers market and then to costco. needed fresh stuff in the house. got fresh dill and lemon pepper lox (!), toward the end of the season white peaches, nectarines (!) and pluots. raspberries and flowers, too. gas at costco ($3.67 wow) and blueberries. and the hotdog for lunch. and Pat Carter was my "lunch date" on the phone while i ate, she recuperating from vein repair surgery.
i know that being still "snoofy" and tired makes me more sensitive to the small things, like making the decision about phone service, cable options, keep the extra line? would a different carrier give me better cell coverage in the house? should i upgrade for $5 more a month to faster internet connection? these are the things that linda used to handle. already i'm tired of this part of reality. where are q-tips on sale, as i ponder using up things that linda had bought. in the last 5 months i don't think i have looked at a drugstore ad, so maybe i will start tomorrow.
it comes and goes. i asked linda feldman what she does when she gets a major bout of missing Robert. looks at pictures and remembers the good times, she said. that's a good thing. i'm glad i have all around the house the photos from the celebration of linda's life. they are in all the rooms so i see them all the time. actually, when you think about it, almost 9 years is a pretty long time for two people to be together. i need to keep putting that into perspective. and 4+ years after diagnosis with pancreatic cancer is really much longer than most. so while i will continue to miss linda every day -- her physical presence, her energy, her love and consideration ... i will also continue to be grateful for all the time and fullness of life we shared. thanks for listening.
