of course it does.
several days ago i went out and on the front porch was one of Linda's business cards from Silicon Valley Securities. i wondered what that was about. maybe she is just stopping by to say hi. saying she's still there. i guess it must have fallen out of a pocket or purse when i went for my keys. or something.
then today as i was turning the corner to take a bulk mailing to the post office, a business card (this one from the synagogue) flew out of the visor pocket and landed on the floor of the car. saying hi again. we used to take mailings together to the post office, even before Linda moved to California. i told earle, my favorite clerk, about her.
this last month is hitting me much harder than i thought it would. and continues to do so. i'm planning to host the social hour after services on april 10. where i will be surrounded by friends and family. many of my friends are my family. and i value them all. i am truly blessed.
before going out to take the cat for his walk (the ritual when i get home from work) i put on one of Linda's overshirts. of course it is way too large. but warm and comforting. i am feeling in need of that protection. i didn't realize that there are pockets down low on the side. omg i just reached in. this is the shirt Linda wore when we were in San Francisco with Aud, seeing an exhibit at the Palace of the Legion of Honor on March 19, 2008. i have the other tickets in one of my coat pockets. i love finding things in pockets. that was the date when we went to the museum, then ate dinner at Ton Kiang and raced home to meet Angela, the hospice intake nurse. wow. that was a momentous day. Angela is fabulous. i remember the entire sequence so clearly. Angela saw how much discomfort Linda was experiencing and phoned in an order for pain meds before she finished the discussion, so that they could be delivered that night. wow. 3/19/2008.
i remember the year that we spent traveling back and forth (16 visits over 10 months) and linda would bring more clothes to leave here, hanging in the closet. when she was back in ohio, i would go into the closet to smell the shirts. smell is very evocative. at the time Linda wore YSL's champagne. delicious. powerful. later she changed to Sung by alfred sung. so i just got back from a trip to the closet. and i am inconsolable. after almost a year most everything has been washed...or has been so long away from any perfume or touch that there is no smell there. i think i really knew for a while that this was the case. but nothing quite like the stark reality staring me in the face or in the nose, as it were, to make it clear. first year. so many firsts. a variety of finalities that are not yet over. i have not yet finished the toothpaste with the roll-up clip. and speaking of passover, as i was, there is still a box of velveeta from last year, waiting to be spread on matzo.
it's gonna be a long couple of weeks.
