I realize that my posts lately have been less reflective than some earlier ones. A new stage perhaps. I keep hearing that there is no road map for grieving. Whatever happens is fine. I'm OK with that, I guess. I stopped reading the books for a while. I did pick up "Going Solo" again last night and it had some nice resonances. It follows ten women who "lost" their husbands. Well, spouses. Same diff. A note about "losing" someone later.
So one of the questions asked toward the end of this very small book is "Who am I?" So I'm still Deborah. But for 8+ years, I was Deborah of Deborah and Linda, or Deborah of Linda and Deborah. We were a couple. Sharing all the stuff of life. And now the couple part is gone, at least physically. So I need to find out who I am now. Still Deborah. Deborah changed by the 8 years of relationship with Linda. Deborah changed by the death of Linda. Deborah taking steps on the journey each day. Deborah crying some almost every day, different things being triggers on different days. Very unpredictable. So the woman in "Going Solo" figured out that the answer to "who am I?" is "who I am." And the answer to "who am I now?" is "who I am now." It's about being in the present and accepting it for what it is.
There are some pretty detailed exercises in the book "Mourning and Mitzvah," which is a book focusing on some of the Jewish aspects of the grief process. I don't think I'm quite there yet, able to focus on writing exercises, though I have promised myself I will start some kind of journal. I have the book in which to write. Not started. Yet.
I'm still having trouble getting out of the house on time. It is problematic. And needs to get fixed as the administrator is leaving end of the month, and I'll be on vacation June 19-30. If I really consider how much I need to get done by the 18th, I'll probably freak out. I'm really good at "head in the sand."
So back to the question of "lost." Many people come up to me and say the standard greeting to a mourner, "I'm so sorry for your loss." What does that mean? I'm rarely one for euphemisms. I really don't like "passed." A person dies. Linda died on April 13, 2008. That is a reality. Her body stopped living on that day. That's not lost. And yet, a friend whose father died recently said that she, too, felt uncomfortable with the "losing" terminology. But then at one point, she realized that in fact that her dear sweet father was in fact "lost" to her in a very real sense, even if she didn't do the "losing."
Another small point in "Going Solo" was about memory. "Remembering is a tricky business. The coin of memory is like any other. Flip it in the air and you take your chances, heads or tails. Happy or sad. In the end what is most important is that you have that coin -- and that is always a blessing."
I read in the books that the relationship with the deceased does not end. Dialogue can continue. The love does not stop. I'm still grappling with these. Mostly, I still take one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, on this continuing journey.
Ketzl just ate a strawberry and is looking to settle on my lap, so i think i need to get rid of the laptop and get the cat instead!
