OK so i'm starting to feel overwhelmed with what needs to get done in 2 weeks.
between the allergies and being kinda teary some of the time, i'm doing a lot of sniffing. drives my co-worker nuts and she keeps offering me a tissue. sometimes i accept.
ketzl is outside again at night. i take pity on him being cooped up all day and he likes the cool night air and seems to be chasing bugs for a while. he didn't finish the strawberry i left this morning.
susan and i had set aside tonight to do dinner at her house, but changed our plans in order to see "Hair." ate first at Tee Nee Thai (is that a play on words of Teeny cuz it is a small restaurant, or does Tee Nee mean something in Thai?) the food was again fabulous, with the veggie appetizer combo with related sauces to start including an egg roll, a spring roll and wonderful sweet potato fries...that could be a dinner for me if i weren't sharing. and mango with sticky rice for dessert, which susan had never had before. it was the first dessert linda and i shared at a now-defunct Thai restaurant the night she flew into San Jose: August 18, 1999. the presentation here was so wonderful, i wish i'd had my camera!
Hair was a lot of fun. remember that i lived on Haight Street in 1968! i was there! one amazing thing about linda's encyclopedic knowledge of shows was that she knew what songs came from which show. many songs make it into the general repertoire but i rarely know the context in which they were set. many of the voices tonight were really good, and this made it a 2-Kristin Schmitz week for me, and i was able to bring the flowers from rochelle and kaeli that stayed home on Monday night. kristin was very appreciative, and we got to see stefan too before we sat down. proud papa, and rightfully so!
so tonight would have been a night that linda would have enjoyed. the food, especially the sticky rice with mango, and a decent college production of an old favorite. it's nights like this, doing things that linda would have enjoyed, that i most deeply feel her absence. susan lifted a forkful of mango and rice and said "here's to linda!" that was nice...
ketzl finished the strawberry and now is chowing down on cantaloupe. such an indulged creature he is. i really wish he would learn to fetch. i get tired of tossing balls, only to have him run after them and leave them there...
another book beside the bed is "Transcending Loss: Understanding the Lifelong Impact of Grief and How to Make It Meaningful." talking about the first anniversary, and then the second, and the fifth and the twentieth. sheesh and i'm still counting in weeks!
one comment in some book or article or another...things don't ever go back to being the same as they were before. that's true of almost anything, i guess. i will never be the same as before i met linda. i will never be the same as before she died. this is the new (not necessarily improved) model of deborah. who sniffs a lot with allergy and teary eyes.
in addition to my purple PanCAN ribbon that i wear most days, i also try to wear a piece of jewelry that linda had worn. to keep her close. to take her with me on trips and experiences. sounds silly but it helps.
and now i need to think "what would Linda do?" approaching these next two weeks. i know. make a list. maybe by categories, like what around the house, what errands, what phone calls, pay bills, what to pack (i found an old packing list!) and keep it handy on a clipboard, and add to it as new items come to mind. that way, all in one place, i can keep better track of things that need doing, and check them off as they get done. for instance, cleaning the fridge. i made extra spaghetti more than a week ago. the leftovers never got eaten.
i know i've written before about "keeping linda in my heart," but i think, i'm not sure, that i had an experience of feeling her essence nestled in my heart. it was brief and after i got what it was, i think i was smiling. stay tuned.
